How important is feminism to you in a relationship partner?

[BlueIris]

Poll question: How important is feminism to you in a relationship partner?

I don't necessarily mean a romantic or sexual one; this poll is meant to incorporate platonic friendships or acquaintanceships as well.

[iverglas]

1. number one, of course!

Not that I'd necessarily call a man "feminist", but he's gotta share a feminist analysis.

By the time I met the current co-vivant 12 years ago, we were early-middle-aged. I had no intention of having somebody around the house with whom there were any points of dissension on important matters. I'm a socialist feminist atheist. So is he, with the caveat about "feminist". In fact, we met through my on-line personal thingy that started out "funny feminist, antisocial socialist, atheist ISO soulmate". He'd done a preliminary search of the site for any woman aged 18 to 90 in Ontario who was 5'6 or taller (he's 6'3 and just started out there because of a preference for not stooping) and atheist. I was the result. Lucky I rounded my height up a fraction to 5'6.

Basically we don't discuss things like that much because we just implicitly agree. We both think religion is loony and occasionally mumble about it if the topic arises (I was reared Christian and taught Sunday school, then made my exit at about age 15; he was reared by wolves, so I get to explain the cultural references to him). We both just know what makes the right wing in all its manifestations tick and hate it viscerally. And he knew enough about me from our first contact to know that no sexist/misogynist bullshit would be tolerated for a nanosecond and he has never even made the least effort to hold a chair for me, lucky him; again, more a matter of innate good sense and egalitarianism than analysis.

He gets it though. Back during your primaries, in response to something on the TV, he said out of the blue, about Clinton: "You know why they're doing this to her, don't you? It's because she's a woman, that's why." Mm, yes, I did know that. ;)

Now, for friends, same goes, but it might not be "essential". The analysis isn't crucial, but the attitude is. A few years ago, my contractor, who had become a good friend (I was his confidante during his divorce, and yes, I had a crush), asked one day, also out of the blue, "iverglas, are you a feminist?" I was taken aback; had I done something to suggest otherwise?? He just hadn't run into that kind of stuff in life (I guess a degree in Soviet history, a couple of years in the navy and a stint as an undertaker had left a blank spot there somehow ...), and in the course of his new dating endeavours had encountered an avowed feminist and wasn't sure what this might mean for him, I think. He was 45, gorgeous and in great shape, and was always being hit on at the pool by women young enough to be his daughter. He couldn't understand it; what would he want with a 23-yr-old? He eventually met a Russian doctor his own age on line and married her and sponsored her to Canada and they're very happy. And before that, he decided to find the daughter he'd had when he was in his teens, whose mother had married someone else and forbid him contact from her birth, which he actually wasn't even told about until after the fact. The daughter has a professional career and he's extremely proud of her, and of being a grandfather.

Mind you, I'm also very good friends with a fellow 10 years older than me who comes out of bygone white wealth and privilege in the Caribbean, with an Oxbridge education, and who drives me batshit crazy tripping around behind me to get on the outside of the sidewalk every time we cross a street on the way to lunch. Other than that, our relationship is egalitarian (we both do the same work, which is how we met), so I just treat him like somebody with an annoying tic and sigh. ;)