A secret White House memo has been discovered outlining the government's plan to buy out American's interest in their government. USA Inc.'s new chief operations officer, Josh Bolten, when confronted with the documents today, was forced to admit that the federal government, over two hundred years old now, intended to begin offering buyout options to U.S. citizens to divest itself of its social, environmental, and most of its regulatory obligations.
USA Inc. (the country's new corporate name) said Friday that its board and management team is weighing an unsolicited offer by one of its stockholders, Exxon-Mobil and their supporters in the Congress, to buy all of the American citizen's interests in the Alaska National Refuge for a one time lump sum of
$100 an individual.
Oil executives had considered a congressional request to increase production and lower prices for consumers, but administration economists were advising their stockholders not to take action at this time as there may be more opportunity for increased profits as the Bush regime further escalates their militarism against Iran.
USA Inc. also announced last year a cash tender offer to purchase all American's outstanding Social Security shares and sell them back to them for a premium. After the offer was made, USA Inc. indicated that the company board's acceptance of the proposed tender offer depended on several conditions, including either the complete dismantling of the senior income supplement or consent to an undermining of the program by using existing funds to pay for savings accounts for younger, healthier enrollees.
USA Inc. previously announced plans to close 27 unprofitable states and merge the populations into the less populated 'blue' states. The vacant land would be used for the new Christian education camps which will replace the public school system. Americans were reminded of the $100 rebate they recieved last year in return for their relinquishment of their right to a public education.
Americans were also reminded today by USA Inc.'s new director, Bolten, that their citizenship rights, altered in last year's Patriot's Act, were now dependent on the level of their new 'voluntary' contributions to government. To avoid deportation, citizens were urged by USA Inc. to make their payments early and often. Volunteers to the new Imperious Guard were of course, exempt.
With the enactment of the energy buyout, USA Inc. will initiate total divestiture of its obligations to American citizens with an intense campaign of rebate programs and arbitrary eligibility limits. The corporation, in a helpful gesture, reminded citizens to avoid complaining as that right had been purchased away by USA Inc. a couple of years ago in an exchange for a glimpse of the landscape of Mars.
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