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"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart
"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and he spent the first hour trying to pronounce Nouri al-Maliki." --David Letterman
"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno
"Did you see the weather map today on the back of USA Today? I have never seen this before, all the states are red. It's like Karl Rove's dream come true." --Jay Leno
"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert
"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno
"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. ....Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart
On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will." --Jon Stewart (Video)
"It's continuing to be hot down there in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact it's so hot, President Bush talked to the NAACP just for the cool reception....He spoke for ten minutes and then he gave back rubs." --David Letterman
"For the first time in his presidency, President Bush addressed the NAACP convention. For five years he was asked to appear at the NAACP, but didn't make it. Well, that's nothing. He was asked to appear at the National Guard for six years and never made any of those." --Jay Leno
"There was one embarrassing moment today for President Bush when they phoned the Pentagon about evacuating Lebanese-Americans. He said, 'I didn't even know Dick Cheney's daughter was over there.'" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war, I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno
"A lot of people are complaining about how long it's taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? We couldn't even evacuate Americans from New Orleans." --Jay Leno
"People still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word." --Jay Leno
"In a speech, Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Either we are serious about this war or we are not.' Of course, people didn't know if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war against people who disagree with him." --Jay Leno
"The Middle East crisis continues right now. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush made a number of gaffes at the G-8 Summit. One of them -- he gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany. So you know what that means? He's drinking again." --David Letterman
"Congratulations, Mr. President. I was getting worried. You had been in office for almost six years and hadn't done the dirty deed yet. Now the first time you do it, it's always a little awkward, so don't feel bad that you end up vetoing a bill that two-thirds of the country supports. But now that the first one is over, you're going to want to do it over and over. You're going to want to put your pen on anything that looks remotely like legislation. I got some good news in that area. You're probably going to have a lot of bills to veto after this November when the Democrats take back Congress." --Stephen Colbert
"A lot of people were offended by President Bush using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit the other day. Were you offended? I was more offended by the way he eats a buttered roll in front of company." --Jay Leno
"White House press secretary Tony Snow says that when President Bush was told he was recorded saying a four-letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off, which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everybody else does." --Jay Leno
"The situation in the Mideast is not looking good. Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney said when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. I don't even know where he stands with those seven deferments. I think it's near the back." --Jay Leno
"More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble, when they start asking our advice on border security." --Jay Leno
"A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S. can stop Israel from getting bombed. Israel, we can't even stop Pete Coors from getting bombed." --Jay Leno
"Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare. To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital. And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." --Jay Leno
"We set an all-time record for power consumption here in California yesterday. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom you may know from such movies as 'Kindergarten Cop,' has been urging Californians to try and conserve energy, which is interesting to hear from a guy who drives a Hummer the size of an elementary school." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So hot today down in Washington, D.C., President Bush said, 'Maybe there is something with the global warming s**t.'." --David Letterman
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