Local boy makes it big; leads US back to Allah; conversions in thousands

[Bucky]

"Al-Qaeda in Iraq" leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri and his "Number Two" SoCal hero Adam Gadahn

Following the inspirational words of Californian Adam Gadahn, thousands of Americans have begun immediately converting to Islam--most choosing to convert to the conservative Wahhabist tradition championed by most al-Qaeda activists (or "liberators" as CBS News anchor Fatimah al-Qurik now refers to them).

"At first, I was, like, 'ohmyga-a-ahd, whateverrr'," reports Jihad al-Lohan , also of California, "But then Brother Adam was all, 'We invite all Americans and unbelievers to Islam,' and he is such a hottie, like my first bf, Fez, and I'm so, 'f'real, like'? But it's totally there in that video. And now I'm totally into it, although my hijab needed like drastic alterations, y'know?"

Now in cities, small towns, and suburban shopping malls across the continent, Americans are responding in droves to Gadahn's call for conversion to the messege of Mohammed, may his name be blessed by a thousand angels. In Minneapolis at the Mall of America, new converts gathered outside the Macy's outlet and chanted, in apparent confusion, "Death to Carter! Death to the Shah!" before heading inside and decapitating the giant Snoopy from atop the indoor roller coaster.

Included in Gadahn's widely heralded plea for conversion of the unbelievers was a special call for American troops in Iraq to leave their posts, convert to Islam, and join the Jihad to free the Arabian peninsula of foriegn occupiers.

"You know that if you die as an unbeliever in battle against the Muslims, you're going straight to hell without passing Go," Gadahn said on the video, addressing American soldiers. "You know you're considered by Bush and his bunch of warmongers as nothing more than expendable cannon fodder."

Now-AWOL American Sergeant Hayim bin-Fayed says he understood Gadahn's message immediately. "Used to be these al-Qaeda types would make their videos, y'know, and say infidel this and jihad that and just go on and on about Allah-knows-what. But this Gadahn guy, he talks to us like normal people. Me and my buddies were sitting around our Green Zone barracks watchin Lost when Brother Gadahn's video pops on and we all go, 'He said "straight to hell without passing Go"? Holy shit, that's a reference to the Parker Brother's beloved family board game, Monopoly!' It was like a light bulb just went off.

"I think most of us converted right there on the spot," adds Sergeant bin-Fayed, formerly known as Vincent Peterson of Decatur, IL. "Now we're all bookin' it to the Holy Land to praise Mohammed, may he rest in paradise with a thousand Gameboys."

"It's like a ghost town around here," says American CentCom commander John Abizaid. "I go down to the PX to get me a roll of Mentos and a Mountain Dew... and the place is utterly deserted. Later I found one cashier back in the stock room kneeling to pray towards Mecca. I had to wait till he was finished, but at least I could get my Dew on."

While the security situation remains uncertain in occupied Iraq, it is clear that al-Qaeda came up with a master stroke in placing a young hip American on it's latest come-to-Allah videos, resulting in massive spontaneous conversions based solely on the hip street lingo of this charming young Cali-born jihadist, Adam "Azzam the American" Gedahn.

"Instead of killing yourself for Bush . . . why not surrender to the truth (of Islam), escape from the unbelieving army and join the winning side? Time is running out, so make the right choice before it's too late," Gedahn says in his July 7th video release--now enjoying constant looping replay on the recently reformatted MTV, a network which still retains its old name, but insists the M no longer stands for "music".

Americans, most of whom once supported leaving the Middle East, now seem to want to stay over there, but switch sides in the fight. And it's all due to this sexy young genius of Allah-fearing manhunk, Adam Gedahn.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

1. Like, fer shure.

:rofl:

[hedda_foil]

2. OMG, this is Hilarious!!

K&R

[tanyev]

3. I think they'd be sorry if Americans did convert to Islam.

Just look at what so many Americans have done to Christianity.

[muryan]

5. American majority islam would make the the ME version

look like pacifists.

[Bucky]

6. Actually...

The biggest influence on Islam that America Muslims are having right now is the upsurge in interest in women's rights, the fight for legal and spiritual equality, and the loosening of social and dress restrictions that conservative Muslims want to place on women. America is liberalizing Islam just like it liberalized Christianitiy in the 1910s and 1920s.

Of course viewed from our perspective today, the liberalization of religion usually isn't the end of the story, is it?

[Vogon_Glory]

7. Agreed. If They'd Studied History, They'd Be Very Nervous

I agree. If the majority of Americans converted to Islam, the Middle East would have considerable cause to regret it. Leaving the matter of Israel/Palestine aside, the US would revert to a mindset something much like that of its Nineteenth Century attitude--chauvinistic, bellicose, and even more likely to go to war than the fire-breathers who set off the War of 1812 and the Mexican--American War.

What makes the swollen heads and conceited minds of al-Qaeda think that an Islamicized USA would think that the Wahabbis of Saudi Arabia or the Sunnis of other Middle Eastern countries are worshiping Allah the right way?

Whoops! Another jihad is on the way! Here come the planes, tanks, and troops!

The nit-wit thinking shown by al Qaeda's "Best and Brightest" shows very clearly that Americans aren't the only population suffering from cultural ethnocentrism and religious chauvinism.

[Bucky]

8. The thing is, these Wahhabist fundies are so inept, they should be toast.

Should be. It wouldn't take a terribly imaginative foriegn policy to leave them marginalized and irrelevant. The should be treated like bandits. Instead half of Islam regards them as rebels fighting a worthy fight. The war in Iraq has given street cred to losers who used to be regarded as misfits and drop outs. Afghanistan, which was mostly pacified by mid-2002, is now heating up again. Some days I'm just stunned by how inept Bush and his cronies are.

[acmavm]

4. That is just so, well, sooooo California. It always takes a year or so for

us here in HeeHawville to catch up.

[Scurrilous]

9. Al-Qaida terrorist has Jewish roots

<snip>

"A man who starred in a video released by al-Qaida's deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri on Saturday, inviting Americans to convert to Islam, has been identified as Adam Yehiye Gadahn, an American with Jewish ancestry.

According to Wikipedia, he was born Adam Pearlman on September 1, 1978, the grandson of a prominent Jewish surgeon and the son of musician Phil Pearlman, who converted to Christianity and changed his named to Gadahn (apparently derived from the Biblical figure Gideon.) He grew up in Santa Ana, California, converted to Islam and, in 1995, posted an essay on the USC Web site describing his conversion. According to his parents, Gadahn moved to Pakistan in 1998, where he married an Afghani refugee.

The FBI believes he attended al-Qaida training camps in Pakistan and served as an al-Qaida translator and English spokesman.

It was the second time Gadahn has appeared in the same video with Zawahri. In a July 7 video marking the one-year anniversary of bombings against the London transit system, Gadahn said no Muslim should "shed tears" for Westerners killed by al-Qaida attacks."

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1154525995106&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

[LeftHander]

10. Onion worthy.....nt

[Bucky]

11. Why thanks.But these fundies (in all their flavors) make satire kinda easy

[Lilith Velkor]

12. they sure do

Still, this shit is awesome, so i'm kickin it