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“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” Douglas Adams
Human History, a correction of Conservative Revisionism
Contrary to the opinions of some Conservative scholars who see the rise of Conservatism and Liberalism as a result of the invention of beer and the wheel, the division of humanity into two distinct political groups actually began about 400,000 years earlier with the discovery of fire. While beer, and the wheel used to fetch it back to the cave, is an important development it is, in reality, only a result of the conquest of fire and the societal changes wrought by it.
Prior to the discovery and harnessing of fire proto-humanoids were almost exclusively herbivores. The presence of salmonella tended to discourage the consumption of raw meat, so virtually every waking moment was taken up in gathering nuts and berries. Besides, the beasts that would someday provide us with Steak Diane and Baby Back Ribs could be pretty hard on someone without even a pointy stick, an invention which would come much later.
With the discovery of fire two things happened. First, diet could change to a more protein oriented cuisine giving early man time to do more than gather food and second, waking time could be extended by the use of fire for light after sunset. These two factors gave rise to the separation of Homo Erectus into the two political groups mentioned above.
Once mankind had time to do more than hunt for food, he began to exercise an organ not previously used much, and in many cases is still sadly underutilized: the brain. While one group would use the brain to consider their surroundings discovering cause and effect, developing logic and a host of other epistemological devices the other group tended to use the time squatting in the dirt making drawings and painting on cave walls, an evolutionary stage many children still go through as they mature. One of the great philosophical debates raging today is over which came first, the Crayon or the wall.
The former group contributed much to the good of the clan by implementing such things as sharp pointy sticks with which to hunt, medium rare steaks, and the outdoor barbecue. The latter tended to continue squatting in the dirt, painting scenes on cave walls and using the tools invented by the former. Thus was born Liberalism with the capability of rational thought and ability to change to meet new situations and Conservatism which simply wanted to remain the same. If it was good enough for Ugg, it was good enough for them. Indeed, the Conservative movement continues to gather nuts to this day. Witness Allen Keyes.
Another very important aspect of the discovery of fire was the still. With this wonderful device, developed by Liberals, the ability to distill spirits much finer than the Meade and beer produced by the Conservatives, Liberals took a great leap forward in recreational drugs. Eventually these wonderful inventions gave rise to single malt whiskey, an invention which singularly prevented the Irish from ruling the world.
With the passing of time the two groups developed along increasingly divergent lines. Liberals continued to evolve using logic and reason placing great store in innovation and continued societal development with villages and cities, a trend that continues today with liberals concentrated in the cultural centers and conservative in the hinterlands as shown by the red state/blue state maps. Conservatives continued to evolve at a much slower pace, due largely to their aversion to change and remoteness from culture, developing a very strong sense of egocentricity leading to an "I've got mine and I don't care about anyone else" philosophy. This is a strange development because in many cases that which they have is taken from them without their knowing it. A case in point would be a $600 income tax refund which was replaced by a $1200 property tax increase because No Child Left Behind was under-funded. Physical evidence of arrested evolution can be seen in their excessively heavy bone structure evidenced by the oft repeated phrase “can you get this trough your thick skull?“ Further evidence of Conservative Evolutionary Syndrome is their lack of language skills making it impossible for them to communicate without being abusive and calling names. However, Conservatives have continued to develop the cave painting into other forms of media giving rise to the Wall Street Journal, Fox News and talk radio, all used to bemoan the Liberal Media at increasing volume; a curious symptom in itself: equating volume and/or repetition with truth.
So it was that Liberals using their superior intellect developed such things as government of the clan by the clan and for the clan, business models using incorporation & limited liability partnerships and a judicial system to protect the clan from it's own members while Conservatives developed an increasing loud and vociferous media presence used to rant and rail against all Liberal inventions except the business models which they somehow have come to believe were their own devices. In fact, one of the latest developments in Conservatism is the ability to pick and choose what to accept as reality.
The evolution of Conservatism to it's current level has allowed practicing members to construct their own separate universe devoid of rational thought and logic, hence the tendency for some of them to prattle on about liberal women having more testosterone than liberal men. This is demonstrably incorrect. Just compare the Dixie Chicks to Ann Coulter. The evidence of this strange capacity to suspend reality can be found abundantly on the Internet, a truly wonderful Liberal development, contained in emails such as those blaming Liberals for all of the ills brought on by Conservatives. Further, this unique ability to selectively filter facts and evidence allows them to vote against their own self interest, engendering the headline in the UK Daily Mirror, "How can 59,054, 087 people be so DUMB?"
So it is that Liberals have used their superior thought processes to generate new and exciting industries providing the Conservatives with a place to work, sidewalks to drag their knuckles on, backyards to barbecue in and new electronic media with which to bitch about Liberals while Conservatives have done little over the eons other than bitch about Liberals.
As a Liberal I must admit that in this case we have not acted in our own best interests. By providing Conservatives with retirement, health care, unemployment benefits and the ability to live a comfortable life while they act against their own self interests by electing Republicans who will deceive them, send their children off to war, and take their freedoms we have removed the evolutionary pressure of stupidity and allowed them to proliferate. This is, as history has proven, a self correcting situation .
Lest one believe that Liberals are devoid of any sense of history, let me point out our fondness for aged wine and whisky. While our use of fire has produced such dishes as Chateau Briand for two with mushrooms and burgundy sauce or Grilled Chilean Sea Bass with Salsa Verde we still harken back to the days before fire when we ate raw fish. Conservatives look on Sushi with some disdain perhaps because they order cake for desert -- cake batter is singularly unappetizing when served on nori with wasabi. Sushi chefs don’t cook, okay?
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