Good advice from Dear Abby?

[TechBear_Seattle]

I'm not sure what to make of this bit from Dear Abby: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20060906/lf_ucda/fianceeisreadytobreakupwithsoldieronextendedtour

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to break an engagement with my fiance, whose tour of duty in Iraq has been extended four more months. He has been there eight months, and during his absence, I met someone else I would like to start dating.

I didn't want to stress out my fiance, and I wanted to wait until he returned to talk to him, but now I feel too guilty, so I need to address it soon. Please help me. -- FEELING GUILTY, MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: It's time to grow up and think about someone other than yourself. There is something more important right now than assuaging your guilt. It's making sure that nothing distracts your fiance from the job he is doing -- and will be doing until he is safely back home.

Under no circumstances should you write him a "Dear John" letter or tell him anything that could unnerve or depress him. If you feel guilty now, how do you think you would feel if he was injured or killed after you dumped that kind of news on him? I can't stress strongly enough how important it is that you put his feelings first right now. What you have in mind can wait until his tour of duty is behind him.

Good advice, or just the standard "Why do you hate America?" crap from an unusual source?

[meegbear]

1. I thought she was dead ...

who knew? :shrug:

[CBGLuthier]

5. daughter took over (mom still alive)

Unlike her cousin who had the good graces to start her own column she just took over the family business.

Oh and no, she isn't dead. That was her sister Ann Landers. I believe she is an Alzheimer's victim.

[meegbear]

7. Thank you for clearing that up ...

:hi:

[CBGLuthier]

2. Stupid woman

A few weeks ago she said that a father should not sleep in a bed with his ten year old daughter. Now, I agree with that but she said it would be too stimulating.

The nerve of the woman to imply that all fathers would be sexually stimulated by close proximity to their daughters made me ill. She is a stupid woman who does not have half the sense her mother had.

As for this specifically, I can see her point some what but she is still full of shit.

[TornadoTN]

6. Sounds like a puritanistic fundy to me

What's next? She probably thinks that men and women should sleep in "bundling bags" to keep the impure thoughts about sex from entering their fragile little psyche.

[peace13]

9. I love your post!!!

[JuniperLea]

3. Why does that sound like Rovian Speak to me?

Catapulting the propaganda...

I've never seen a Dear Abby letter that advised a person to live a lie.

[TornadoTN]

16. That was my first thought

She is basically advising this woman to live a lie, be unhappy and "suck it up for the country". It sounds suspiciously like a "with us or against us" type of ideology, even though I feel for the soldier to some degree.

[TechBear_Seattle]

18. That was the vibe I was getting, too

It most certainly is not up to the standards of the current Abbey's mom, who did the column for more than 40 years.

[JuniperLea]

31. I feel for the soldier too... no doubt about that

That whole "Dear John" scenario is stuff that sad songs and movies are made of to be sure. A real heart-breaker without question. Still, in putting myself in the soldier's place, I'd be double pissed to be lied to... and what if I'd given a pass at a girlie show or a real girlie because I wanted to remain true to the girl at home? Biotch. haha! And I'm a woman... I wonder if the male perspective would be close.

[ananda]

4. They're both assholes,

in my not so humble opinion.

One's whiny and wimpy, the other is
judgmental and moralistically sexist.

[snappyturtle]

8. This situation wouldn't be coming up if.....

we weren't sending our young off to war! I guess it's just another peril of war. Meantime, the soldier could be hurt with bad news from the homefront and the young lady has to lie to her fiance OR stop her life from moving forward 'til the war is over....years?

[Ilsa]

12. Bingo!

This is the response I was waiting for. "Abby's" statement was pure crap, but I can understand her point in going that route.

I guess the gal should go ahead and lie. But what if the guy is having sex with someone over there or could have started a relationship with someone he is serving with?

My attitude: don't get serious with someone with a foot out the door. Been there. It didn't work.

[deadparrot]

10. I don't know, I think there's a middle ground.

I can see both points. She doesn't deserve to be miserable, and if she continues to act faithful while not being so, I think that's also a dangerous situation; however, I think the guy (as her fiance) deserves better than a break-up over the phone, especially when he's in the middle of the hell that is Iraq.

It's a tough situation. :shrug:

[lukasahero]

11. Good advice

Breaking up with someone via phone or mail is just plain rude. Not to mention this isn't her "boyfriend", it's her fiance. Add to that the fact that this young man IS fighting in a war. Whether we agree with the reasons he's there or not, his life is in jeopardy and truly does not need this kind of bullsh*t distraction.

She needs to just grow up and deal with the fact that she either has to wait to date the new guy or cheat on her fiance and deal with how that makes her feel about herself. Her guilt, potentially his life. Yeah, I say she loses this one.

For those who think she should just dump him via the mail because he's over there fighting an unjust war in the first place so who cares what happens to him, think instead about the Iraqis who might have to deal with another soldier pissed off at war, Iraqis and women. Pretty explosive combination, no?

[Avalux]

13. I think it's good advice.

Our troops stuck in Iraq are going through horrible things we can't even imagine. I personally feel it would be wrong to send him a Dear John letter as it could untimately destroy his life.

If she cares about him (even if she's not in love with him anymore), she should delay her plans to actively date someone else until this guy gets home and she can tell him face to face. It's not his fault he's not around to give her what she needs and he shouldn't be dumped on. Acting selflessly in this case would be a very good thing.

[bleedingheart]

21. they aren't married.

She is not his property.

She can make her own decisions.

I understand the concern for his mental state, but would his family not tell him if his mother died because it might make him less of a "fighting machine".. I don't think so.

In fact, it might be better for her to notify his commanding officer and him so that they can get him help in Iraq...they do have mental health personnel in the service to help with this stuff.

[Avalux]

22. Being married has nothing to do with it.

Of course she can make her own decisions, but if I were in her place, I would not send a letter. Personal experience.

[warrens]

37. There's no need to send one now, IMO

She's trying to make it easy on herself. But it's extraordinarily cruel, since there's nothing he can do about it. It's not about making him a better fighting machine, it's just the wrong time and the wrong place to drop a bomb like that.

[LynneSin]

14. Tennessee - why am I not surprised (note - disclaimer inside)

Yes, I know that Tennessee has some amazing progressive thinkers who hail from this state, most notably Al Gore, but the problem with Tennessee is unfortunately there are too many like the woman who wrote this letter who dominate the voting population.

BTW, Dear Abby absolutely ROCKS!!

About 2-3 months ago, a mother wrote about finding out her son was gay and wonder what she could have done to have him turn out this way and what could she do to change him back. Abby was pretty much "Homosexuality is not a choice but who the person is" and suggested the mother get counselling.

She has also recommend Planned Parenthood many times, NOT for Abortion but as an option for young girls who were too eager to get sexually active for the hopes they'd get some birth control and common sense from PP

[TornadoTN]

17. We're getting there though

Yeah, we've gotten a bad rap for some of the company we've kept collectively as a state since 1994 (Frist, et. al.), but things are changing and a new tide of Tennessean is coming to the forefront. Sure, we have a good distance to go before we rejoin the mainstream of society, but I think you will be impressed this November with our state.

[LynneSin]

19. I'm looking forward to change in Tennessee

I know there are plenty of great people in that state but alot of people who give a black eye to your state too :cry:

[Clark2008]

28. And it's only a "rap."

Because I know very few women in Tennessee who fit the condescending remark just made here.

There are a few women who fit that condescending remark all over the country - they're not clustered in the South or the mid-West or the North or the West. There are a few in any given city, state or town.

I guess the poster doesn't remember that it was the Tennessee General Assembly who voted to ratify the 19th Amendment - the final state needed to have a 2/3s majority. The poster doesn't remember Dolly Parton or Dinah Shore or Oprah Winfrey (techincally from Mississippi, but grew up outside of Nashville). She doesn't know about Civil Rights activists like Diane Nash or Septema Clark. Or about sports pioneers like Wilma Ruldolph and Pat Head Summitt.

I think we're already THERE - Tennessee women are NOT doormats, as the poster suggested.

[JuniperLea]

33. I have family in Tennessee

And they are very liberal! Even my 70+ year old great aunt! She was in hospital recently and the first concern I heard from her is that she needed to get home so she could "keep an eye" on the government. Love her!

[Clark2008]

27. I'm so fucking sick and tired of biased, ignornant South bashing

You Yankees SUCK sometime.

Particularly when you don't live here, don't know any Tennessee women and have a chip on your shoulder about the South (when it's not even the most red voting area of the country - THAT would be the mid-West).

Fucking sick of it, I am!! :grr:

Edited to add two things:

1. My husband is a Yankee, so, obviously, I'm not biased against people of the Northern persuasion and;

2. Most of the women that I know in Tennessee, whether they are Republican or Democratic, are the strongest, most able-bodied, down-to-earth realists on the face of the planet. This includes my mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother and myself - all Tennessee women who don't fit that stupid, biased, idiotic mold you just drew for Tennessee women. How 'bout I say that all women from Delaware are uptight and ugly? Are they? "Some say" they are. :eyes:

This letter could have easily been written by any very young woman anywhere within the United States and you know it.

[warrens]

15. That sounds like decent advice to me

It's going to suck for him either way, but it would be far kinder to wait until he is back home. His life is total hell right now; why take away one of the few good things in his life?

[Lisa]

35. if the new boyfriend really loves her, he'd wait ...

Every person I know who's had a relationship with someone who simply cannot hold on for a few months until the "loose ends" are resolved, has ended up having serious regrets. Most recently, one of my co-workers impulsively left town with someone who unexpectedly died a few weeks later -- her husband was pretty decent about things, but she now feels so guilty and miserable that she had to quit her job, sever work and social relationships with the people she knew "before", and move to a different part of the country.

[bleedingheart]

20. I guess you wouldn't tell John if his mother died, or his sister

got divorced or if his kid brother got cancer?

I guess you wait until they get home from one horrifying situation to enlighten them about all the depressing facts?

Personally I think that facts are friendly, tis better for John to deal with it when it happens.

Hell the worst thing would be for John to come home and find her married and two month pregnant..

[Bunny]

23. I think the young woman should wait four more months and tell

her fiance when he gets home. He's not just a boyfriend, she promised to marry him. If she loved him enough to accept his proposal, she can treat him kindly for the time being. She can write him nice letters for the remainder of his time in Iraq, then let him down gently once he's safely back here.

She can put the other guy on hold for a while - if the other guy is truly interested in her, he'll wait. How desperate and horny is she? She can't hang on for four (4) more months? We're not talking a lifetime here, although I don't doubt she sees it that way.

This kind of stuff bothers me - but I'm old and grumpy and I've seen and done a lot of stupid things myself.

[originalpckelly]

25. I agree, and I am young...

just cannot believe someone would even consider the option. That is so very cruel, he fiance. I'm not religious, but I still believe in morality, and this is immoral.

[Lisa]

39. besides, if it's the other guy who's putting pressure on her ...

... he might be feeling insecure, and worried that she will change her mind about him once her fiance gets back. Something like this happened to me (though minus the overseas fiance). It turned out that I was right to be a bit suspicious of someone who demanded that I marry him immediately, "to prove I loved him" -- he had a lot of stuff in his past which he didn't want me to find out about.

Everyone I've talked to who's had dilemmas like this has said that it works out much better if everyone concerned has some time to think things over, resolve "loose ends", and not act on impulse. And that seems to work whether or not one person is out of the country as all this is happening. As you say, if the new boyfriend is really interested and understanding, he'd be prepared to wait.

Perhaps if the columnist could have worded things a bit more diplomatically, it wouldn't have come out looking like a "support the troops" issue.

[originalpckelly]

24. Excuse me, but the lady (Abby) is RIGHT!

Not as in right-wing, but in the right v. wrong sense.

That chick living here in the states needs to get over herself, does anyone around here think it is ok to leave a fiance at the drop of a hat? Who the hell does that? COME ON!!! Who the hell does that?

There are some really sick people in this world!

Just a clue here, when you feel guilty, it means you're probably doing something wrong. I cannot believe what this world is coming to, and I'm young too.

[Bethany Rockafella]

26. A lot of advice from this "dear abby" person is not up to par, imo.

[graywarrior]

29. I don't believe these letters are real.

And if they are, the people writing them are....well...I have no words.

[newportdadde]

30. I know a woman who cheated on her husband during the first Gulf War.

Guy was over there for like a year. Before leaving town he put his prized new car he had just bought up on blocks, only had like 5k miles on it. Then he heads on over.

He gets back to find his wife pregnant by another man the car no longer on blocks with 45k miles on it and bald tires. Not only was she sleeping with this guy but she lets him drive her husband's car...

Somehow she weasles her way back into this guys good graces and he is raising the child as his own, the kid doesn't know.

I personally find it sick when I hear of a spouse/fiance/girlfriend/boyfriend who can't keep their pants on while their significant other is over risking their life. The best part about all of this is the woman is one of those bible thumping 'proper women' nose in the air types.. ow the irony.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

32. I couldn't imagine worse advice.

But that's Dear Abby.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

38. Can I Request Some More Details From You?

You posted a header implying you had a strong opinion on her being wrong and it seemed to indicate there would be something explaining why inside the post. There wasn't. Can you provide some reasons why this advice was on the level of being so bad you couldn't possibly imagine worse?

Thanks,

OMC

[Qanisqineq]

34. I agree with Abby

When my husband was in Iraq, a guy found out his wife cheated on him. He was going to shoot himself in the head one night while on guard duty. Luckily someone else came along and started talking him out of it.

Better to break it to him when he isn't around guns every day.

(ok, maybe he has them at home but that would be in a less stressful situation.)

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

36. I Agree With Her Advice Completely.

The hurt will be the same to him whether now or later. But at least later it won't have the potential to muddy his focus, which could ultimately cost him his life.

[Missy Vixen]

40. I know someone who sent her former fiance a "Dear John" letter

while he was in Vietnam. She'd met her current husband while he was gone. She, I'm sure, thinks that telling the story makes her seem pragmatic. I was absolutely shocked. I still am. I think even more distasteful than the actual story is her continuing to relate the story. I'm only sorry I don't know the guy's name. I think I'd congratulate him for not marrying her.

I'm with the "tell him when he gets home" side. I must be a Bitter Betty, but the two of them (the fiancee and the new boyfriend,) deserve each other.

Julie