While driving to work this morning I learned that our Congress
is not still on vacation. No, quite the contrary. They are
hard at work passing bills to improve our lives. With all
other legislation at a standstill and the national debt
mounting they managed to outlaw the use of horses as food.
Yes, with everything happening in the world, Congress managed
to temporarily set aside the shredding of the Constitution and
rewarding big contributors. Prohibiting the slaughter of
horses and the exporting of horse meat as food made it to the
top of the priority list. Thank you Bo Derek, successful
crusader against serving up the ninth place finisher in the
5th at Santa Anita on tomorrow's Japanese dinner table.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating eating horses.
It's just that when New Orleans is still a mess, the Middle
East in turmoil, thousands of American service men and women
killed or maimed in Iraq and Afghanistan and who knows how
many tens of thousands of "collateral damage"
victims of the Zany Adventures of Dick & George (and with
the numbers climbing each day) its comforting to know that our
government still finds life sacred, even if its horse life. As
a long-time fan of Mr. Ed, I am relieved.
This sudden interest in the sanctity of equine life has gotten
me to thinking about the perverse ranking of lives that we
value in today's Republican America. After some study, I
believe that I have been able to ascertain the official
Ranking of Life for Modern America. So, without further delay,
I publish the following findings of my research.
CATEGORY I (Life Most Sacred)
Category I includes lives that are of the highest value. Lives
that must be protected at all costs. The most important sparks
of life imparted by the Almighty. The taking of a Category I
life calls for the most severe punishment possible, the death
penalty. Category I includes all right thinking, red-blooded
white Americans, large campaign donors, fetuses, frozen
embryos and brain-damaged people in comas who can be used for
political gain. This is where the missing white girls you've
been seeing so much about on the news fit in.
CATEGORY II (Almost Sacred Life)
Category II lives are important, just not as important as
Category I. They need a high degree of protection and are
highly valued. In Category II you will find Canadian and
British citizens along with cherished house pets. I believe
that horses are now included in this category, especially rich
people's horses.
Category III (Just Plain Life)
Category III includes lives of things that bother you but have
some value that keeps you from killing them. Even though they
may be troublesome at times, you don't kill them because you
know its just plain wrong. However, you don't really worry if
someone else kills them. In Category III you will find
Liberals, the French, Cats and Game fish that are smaller than
the legal limit. Those smarmy French are so aggravating and
untrustworthy but good sex and good food have to count for
something. Also, you think you might remember something from
high school history about them helping us win the revolution
so you will give them a pass for today. No true sportsman
kills an undersized fish.
CATEGORY IV (Indifferent Life)
Category IV is the background noise of life. They're just kind
of out there. The Raccoons and Opossums that you see squashed
on the road. Indeterminate brown people in countries with
funny names that die by the thousands every couple of months
in typhoons, floods or earthquakes. This is where you will
find the people who died or were rendered homeless by Katrina
(on the Louisiana side of things mind you) and your Iraqi
collateral victims of liberation. If they were in your way on
the road you would probably swerve your SUV to miss them but
you just can't get worked up when they die, especially in
large numbers.
CATEGORY V (Lower Forms of Life)
Category V life is not sacred. In fact it should be sought out
and destroyed wherever possible and whatever the cost.
Terrorists, citizens of any country that our Great Decider
decides is a part of the Axis of Evil, Rats, Vermin, Iraqis
and Iranians. Your Lower Forms of Life have value as political
props (and possibly fertilizer) when dead or being
relentlessly and perpetually pursued.
So there you have it folks. The scorecard of life in America
2006. With our busy lives its important to have some shortcuts
that let you know what you should or shouldn't get worked up
over on the evening news. Once you understand what's important
and what isn't our national policies will suddenly make sense.
You can relax and stop worrying because you will realize that
the Great Decider and his minions have everything under
control.
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