Path to 9/11 script extracts

[nxylas]

DISCLAIMER: The following is a spoof written by me. I feel it necessary to point this out, because attributing words to Cyrus Nowrasteh that he never actually wrote would be slander, and slander is morally wrong ;)

PART 1

INT – THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

BILL CLINTON is sitting at his desk wearing a tie-dye kaftan, smoking a joint and surrounded by nubile, scantily-clad women. CONDOLEEZA RICE enters, brandishing a piece of paper.

CONDI
Mr President. I’ve just received a disturbing briefing from our intelligence agents called “Saddam Hussein Determined To Strike in US”. There could be a major terrorist attack imminent.

CLINTON
Gimme that paper, baby. I need it to skin me up another doobie. Say, Condi, you’re a fine looking chick. Wanna join the party?

CONDI
I’m sorry, Mr. President. I have to do…a thing.

(she leaves)

INT – OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

CONDOLEEZA storms out in disgust. JESUS is in the corridor, waiting for her.

CONDI
Did you see that?

JESUS
I see everything. You behaved honorably, my child.

(he gives the sign of peace and vanishes in a shower of twinkling stardust)

PART II

EXT – CRAWFORD - DAY

PRESIDENT BUSH is chopping logs manfully at his ranch. An aide rushes in.

AIDE
Mr. President! Mr. President! Saddam Hussein has crashed two passenger jets into the World Trade Center. Over three million Americans and a couple of foreigners are dead!

BUSH
I feel terrible. Isn’t there anything I could have done to prevent it?

AIDE
Don’t beat yourself up, Mr. President. We wanted to give you the information, but Bill Clinton threatened to have us killed if we did, just like his mother-in-law’s chiropractor and all them other people that were vaguely connected to him in some way.

(BUSH rips off his shirt, decisively).

BUSH
Then get Air Force One fueled up. I have work to do.

INT – SADDAM HUSSEIN’S SECRET VOLCANO BASE – NIGHT

The base resembles Blofeld’s lair in You Only Live Twice, but is dominated by a huge statue of Saddam, who sits at a desk, stroking a white cat.

SADDAM
Excellent! My plan to destroy America has succeeded. The Americans will be cowering in their bunkers now, like the dogs they are.

(suddenly, Air Force One comes crashing through the roof of the base and into the statue, toppling it over).

BUSH (leaping from the plane)
Sand-nigga, please! Americans cower before no-one. These colors don’t run!

SADDAM
Men! Seize him!

(henchmen come at Bush from all sides, and he dispatches them one by one in hand-to-hand combat)

BUSH
Bring it on! You sands are going to see what a bit of American military training does for a man!

SADDAM
Uh-oh, time to make my escape.

(he pushes a button and a capsule closes around him, shooting up into the air)

BUSH
Damn, he got away! Better hope I can find him before November, otherwise, the Democrats might control the House and stop me from going after him.

THE END…FOR NOW.

[baldguy]

1. Neocon masturbatory fantasies

After 9/11 gets washed a few more times through the Ministry of Truth, this is exactly how it'll play.