Texas Daily Terrorism Update (Five Years Later)

[sharonking21]

Terrorism Alert: Sep 22, 2006, 9:54 AM, EDT: Citing an "abundance of caution," the FBI has alerted middle-aged parents that up to four of their adult children may soon ask to come back and live at home. This information is buttressed by economic statistics showing a decline in median income and a slippage of real wages in Texas. Governor Rick Goodhair Perry merely asks “Well, wouldn’t you rather be a chicken-plucker than live with your parents?”

Terrorism Warning: Sep 22, 2006, 10:04 AM, EDT. Information gathered from detainees indicates that resurgent groups of Afghanistani preschoolers with bagfuls of Hershey Kisses will try to infiltrate your freshly cleaned house immediately prior to guests arriving for the Thanksgiving holidays. Be on the alert for rosy cheeks and dirty hands in Texas.

Terrorist Update: Sep 22, 2006, 11:03 AM, EDT. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated today that all travelers entering Texas should be scrutinized carefully by DPS and INS officials, saying that uncorroborated sources suggest that the Attorney-General Alberto Gonzalez will try to break through surveillance and establish torture cells in Houston or Dallas. President Bush says that they will hew to the Geneva Conventions (unless it is inconvenient). Kinky Friedman says he would never make anyone actually read his books.

Code Orange: Sep 22, 2006, 11:24 AM, EDT. NSA heroes have been monitoring the chatter on the party line serving Dime Box Texas and have developed information that Aunt Minnie may be planning a ‘vacation’ to ‘The Holy Land.’ Bush administration officials say that, unlike 5 years ago, the current threat to the country stems mostly from home-grown terrorists like Aunt Minnie. Carole Keeton Rylander Strayhorn objects on the grounds that 'Aunt Minnie’ is roughly analogous to 'One Tough Grandma.'

Government Warning: Sep 22, 2006, 1:15 PM, EDT. U.S. government sources said Tuesday that three cases of the sniffles have been detected in Austin Texas and that CDC epidemiologists are rushing to the area to do field testing on chickens.

Terrorism Fiat: Sep 22, 2006, 1:48 PM, EDT President Bush announced today that in the interests of keeping US citizens safe from Aunt Minnie he will, when necessary, ignore the US Constitution and ”invade any country he damn well pleases!”

Announcement from the Executive Branch: Sep 22, 2006, 2:32 PM, EDT. The powers of the presidency will be expanded, despite the defeatist quibbles of the American Bar Association, by permitting the president to sign bills passed by Congress while crossing his fingers behind his back. Chris Bell says he should be made to at least say “King’s X” where all can hear him.

BOLO from the FEMA Disaster Committee: Sep 22, 2006, 3:46 PM, EDT. After meeting behind closed doors in executive session, the committee released a low-level warning to Houston FEMA staff to be on the lookout for a young, silver-haired CNN News talking-head by the name of Anderson Cooper. Cooper, a well-known Katrina sympathizer and Louisiana fellow traveler has broken with his elitist family, the Vanderbilt's, and has actually been seen consorting with Katrina victims. He is thought to be armed with cameras and is considered to be extremely dangerous.

Terrorist Alert. Sep 22, 2006, 5:55 PM, EDT. As only one piece of a much broader, active investigation and with no established link to reality, Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff today ordered the National Guard to occupy Hippie Hollow near Austin Texas, citing information developed that nudists would strap on covert bombs and try to disrupt celebrations over the weekend. The National Guard says they prefer this duty to serving in Al Anbar Province and that it is even better than being sent to the border.

Code Red: Sep 22, 2006, 7:29 PM, EDT. There is a likelihood almost to the point of certainty that over the next, say, three to five years, that there will be another meeting of the Texas Legislature. "We don't know the specifics, the time and the place, but we have great reason to believe that we could be hit anytime in the next few years and low- to middle-income workers in the area should prepare to bend over."