Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

[DireStrike]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52708

WASHINGTON, DC—Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The Malthusian Institute.

Despite "more than ample warning" for the most likely means of worldwide destruction, less than one million American households have taken even the simplest precautions against nuclear shockwaves, asteroid impact, or a host of angels bearing swords of fire, the study concluded.

"Our survey of households in seven U. S. regions demonstrated that few citizens have bothered to equip themselves with fireproof suits and extinguishers to deal with volcanic upheaval, solar flares, or the Lord's purifying flame," Malthusian Institute director James Olheiser said. "Almost no one is prepared for a sudden shift in the Earth's polarity or the eating of the Sun and moon by evil wolves Skol and Hati during Ragnarok."

[TAPat]

1. Apocalypse NOW!!1!

I love The Onion :)

[Kikosexy2]

12. I have an...

appointment set up to remove my 666 tattoo from my forehead...I didn't vote for Bush so why would I want his Mark on me?...Other than that, I have Blondie's "Rapture" queued up ready to be taken away into the heavens...are there 72 virgins awaiting me?...can't be, I'm gay..

[knitter4democracy]

2. *snort*

That's funny. I wonder how to deal with the Four Horsemen. Is that on the DHS site? ;)

[Ravenseye]

3. But I bought plastic sheet and duct tape!

Isn't that enough?

[TechBear_Seattle]

16. Uhh... I thought you wanted the duck taped

[Blue_In_AK]

4. If it's a "world-ending scenario"

why do we need to prepare? I would think that "world-ending" means "people ending," as well, or am I missing something here?

ed. Duh - this is satire, right? God, I hope so. I didn't see it was from the "Onion," at first.

[Xenotime]

5. I am prepared for Gozer the Traveler...

He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

[OrangeCountyDemocrat]

9. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man....

[Coexist]

10. .

[BootinUp]

18. My wife hates that movie,

its one of my all-time favs though. lol.

[obreaslan]

21. "This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions..."

"This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions...
What do you mean, "biblical"?...
What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff...Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling....
Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...
The dead rising from the grave...

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!!!"

:rofl:

[aquart]

6. LOL!

I go ten minutes after the plumbing. I am, literally, capable of dying of disgust.

[Benhurst]

7. Of course not. As God's very own, they know they will be

raptured before things start getting nasty.

[BoneDaddy]

8. My head is between my

legs, kissing my arse goodbye

[DUgosh]

11. duck and cover

at least thats what they taught us in school

[shadowknows69]

13. Is there really much point in being ready for

world ending scenarios?

[dogday]

14. It's the end of the world as we know it

How do you prepare for that again? I forgot :shrug:

[TechBear_Seattle]

23. But I feel fine! n/t

[BuyingThyme]

15. That's fake.

[BootinUp]

17. hee hee, just saw it was the onion.

I was going to post something about how stupid the article was.

[eppur_se_muova]

19. WHEN will Americans take on some responsibility ?!?

Malthusian Institute --- *SNARF* :evilgrin:

[Bonhomme Richard]

20. Oh well. I guess God will have to put it off for a few more.........

MILLENNIUM.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

22. Checked my insurance...They're right. No Apocolypse coverage.

I'll have to check around and see what kind of rates State Farm and Allstate offer.

[malaise]

24. WTF

like we don't have better things to do.

[CabalPowered]

25. The Malthusian Insitute

I bet that's a cheery place to work.

[DireStrike]

26. I love to post onion articles without explicitly noting that it's satire

It's funny the way lots of people respond.

[donco6]

27. Darn! I was all prepared with a response . . .

then realized it was just too goofy to be real! Ha! I love the onion.

[Renew Deal]

28. How is this not on the greatest page?

:nuke: