Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

[kurth]

Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse
September 13, 2006

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The Malthusian Institute. Despite "more than ample warning" for the most likely means of worldwide destruction, less than one million American households have taken even the simplest precautions against nuclear shockwaves, asteroid impact, or a host of angels bearing swords of fire, the study concluded.

"Our survey of households in seven U. S. regions demonstrated that few citizens have bothered to equip themselves with fireproof suits and extinguishers to deal with volcanic upheaval, solar flares, or the Lord's purifying flame," Malthusian Institute director James Olheiser said. "Almost no one is prepared for a sudden shift in the Earth's polarity or the eating of the Sun and moon by evil wolves Skol and Hati during Ragnarok." Olheiser added: "All in all, America gets an 'F' for end-of-the-world preparedness."

The study examined nearly 1,200 doomsday scenarios and detailed the most glaring gaps in average Americans' ability to survive them. One of the few survival measures that fulfills the Institute's recommendations for most catastrophes — natural, manmade, or spiritual — is a mile-deep, lead-lined subterranean vault built to shield a pre-selected breeding group of humans until they can safely return to the planet's surface. However, only two American citizens, both in Idaho, were found to have begun even the most cursory planning stages of this kind of race-preserving chamber...

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff sharply disagreed with the report's findings. "This study is inaccurate and misleading," Chertoff told reporters on Tuesday. "Americans are a resilient, can-do people. We are more prepared than ever to survive a gigantic tsunami, a major gravitational disruption, or any other heretofore non-prophesied calamity." Chertoff added: "As for Armageddon borne out of God's heavenly wrath, I can say with assurance that this nation has never seen a presidential administration that has given more thought to this very scenario."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52708

[madrchsod]

1. my jr college history told us

if the bomb hits chicago just get a lawn chair , something to drink,and face east to enjoy the light. i guess i`m one a the few who is prepared!

[Flirtus]

2. Gosh, he (*) IS trying to make it happen

"As for Armageddon borne out of God's heavenly wrath, I can say with assurance that this nation has never seen a presidential administration that has given more thought to this very scenario."


(edit for (*))

[Nikki Stone 1]

3. Oh no! Quick! Do your nails!

:)

[jayfish]

4. The Report Is Correct.

I've been planning to get myself in shape for the Apocalypse for quite some time now. I'm just not motivated enough.

Jay

[don954]

5. the sad thing is...

i didn't realize this was satire until i had read it, thought about it, and THEN saw the source...! :freak:

[stubtoe]

6. I'm not even prepared for a power outage at the moment

let alone the Four Horsemen
:)