"CEO President" offers National Buyout Plan.

[JohnnyRingo]

WASHINGTON DC
In a restructuring move clearly intended to improve America's competitive position in a global market and steer the United States out of bankruptcy, George Bush announced today the creation of the National Buyout Plan.

The plan will offer lump sums of up to $17,000 to virtually every one of the 300 million residents currently living in the United States. Those who accept the offer would give up citizenship and be expected to leave the country by the end of the year.

According to George W Bush, the country's President and CEO: "This comprehensive plan will help relieve the country of costly obligations to citizens who now hold low wage positions or no job at all." "These people continue to rely on government "entitlement" programs to supply them with ever rising health care costs and housing supplements."

The mass exodus of citizens would likely create a surplus of "jobs Americans aren't doing". Those jobs that can't be outsourced would be filled by what Bush describes as "Guest citizens" at a greatly reduced cost to the business.

These temporary workers will be culled from the very countries expected to accept the bought out former workers. "See, this $17,000 dollars is a lot of money in some countries" Bush said. "The displaced citizens can live like kings for years in their new homes in Costa Rica, or Honduras...where a dollar goes a long way" he joked. "It's a win-win situation."

The initial cost of the program, expected to be in the billions, would be financed through a new round of proposed tax cuts aimed at the very corporations who currently employ these relatively high cost workers. "The companies are expected" says Bush, "to use their savings to pump up the economy". "This influx of money, along with the reduced cost of government, will put this country on the fast track to a balanced budget by the end of the decade."

Going further, Bush declared "This country will begin to see relief and emerge from bankruptcy soon after myself and the Vice President leave office in 2009".

[Kagemusha]

1. No source offered. This an Onion thing?

nt

[gristy]

2. Very funny!

You should give credit with a link, though. If it's yours, then fess up!

[JohnnyRingo]

4. I wrote it

The recent buyouts that threaten to lower the pay of anyone who punches a time clock are a trend that's regulated only by the bounds of corporate greed.

Recent moves by the tech companies and airlines to divorce their higher wage employees show that buyouts aren't confined to the auto industry unions.

As more and more companies shed responsibilities to their workforce the more the rest of America will have their living wages compared to a new "industry average".

The result will be stagnant pay raises in the face of inflation as all employers point to the long line of hopefuls outside the door waiting for our jobs.

[The Backlash Cometh]

3. Very appropriate.

If they had a soul, they'd sell that too.