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American interpretation of table manners must be clarified, and I call upon the United States Congress to do so. If we do not, our professional men and women in the CIA won't be able to chew with their mouth open, talk with their mouth full, or break wind at the table without excusing themselves. That would be a blow to our ability to protect America. Our country needs new, post-911 table manners if we are to continue to successfully deal with the terrorist threat.
I am also asking for clarification on pre-911 regulations preventing astronomers from parking in handicapped spaces and for an exemption allowing seismologists to smoke at gas stations. This is the only way my administration can continue its six-year record of success in saving Americans from asteroid collisions and earthquakes.
Let me make it clear, if I can't get these laws changed, then I will stop breaking them. Some think that would be a good thing for America. They think that it would be a good idea to leave America vulnerable to a sudden change in Pluto's orbit setting it on a course to destroy civilization. No one should doubt that this failed planet means America harm. We must not appease Pluto, and we won't. Not on my watch.
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