BusinessSpeak

[johnaries]

This may be more appropriate for the lounge, but was thinking about "Political Correctness" and no where is it more evident than in the workplace. Businesses have lots of "code phrases" with meanings that are sometimes the exact opposite of what they say on the surface (KKKarl, are you there?). As a Trainer of new hire employees, I can't help but share some of these with the new hires. If you have some to add, please do!

CorpSpeak: "VP of SuchNsuch Dept John Doe has been allowed to seek new Career Opportunities. We wish him well in his new endeavors".
Translation: "This SOB f*cked up so bad we had to get rid of him before he took the whole company down with him. May he rot in h*ll, and we hope one of our competitors hires him so he can f*ck them up instead of us"
Recommended action: Laugh like h*ll!

CorpSpeak: "We have an opportunity for you...."
Translation: "We have a project that we hope can still succeed, but we realize now that none of us really know what we're doing so we're hoping that you will work your @ss off on unpaid overtime and save our collective @sses."
Recommended Action: RUN! Unless you really think that you're smart enough to negotiate a deal whereas you can actually rescue them out of a bottomless pit in exchange for a hefty salary increase. In which case, be prepared to be "allowed to pursue other career opportunities." Roughly the same odds as playing the Roulette Wheel in Vegas. Not the "honest" one, btw, the one where the Roulette spinner DOESN'T like you....

CorpSpeak: "We have a Challenge for you...."
Translation: "We have a project that Management loved because they are idiots, and now it is so f*cked up because it had no chance in h3ll of succeeding in the first place but management is in such total denial about making the wrong decision that we need a scapegoat to blame the failure of their knee-jerk decisions on..."
Recommended Action Tell them you'll consider it. Update your resume and check out Monster.com. Immediately. Now. Yesterday.


edit to add: Please add your own personal experiences with BusinessSpeak and CorpSpeak. I'm looking forward to hearing them!

[Kutjara]

1. Here are a few.

"Exciting opportunity" - Dead-end assignment that nobody wants to touch with a bargepole. If you do everything right and pull the thing out of the fire, noone'll notice. If you screw up, you're finished.

"Fast track career" - Work every hour God sends to fast track the career of your boss. Burn out after two years then get fired for having a bad attitude. End of career. Now that's fast!

"Key role" - scapegoat.

"Important customer service role" - Corporate waterboarding.

"High-visibility position" - like the tail gunner in a B17.

"Business development role" - Sales job without the commission or bonus. All the thanklessness with none of the upside.

"International business development role" - Exile.

"Turnaround specialist" - corporate assassin.

"New Business Director" - Haven't you gone yet? Jesus, some people can't take a hint.

[johnaries]

2. LOL! Sounds like you've been in it longer than I have!

We need to write a dictionary to go along with all the "how to write a resume" books. We could call it "when to update your resume"....