Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty

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Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty
October 6, 2006

STRONG ISLAND, NY—With recruitment down sharply, and the prospect of being held back by the nation of millions appearing once again likely, top-ranking Public Enemy officials issued an order Monday for all retired Security Of The First World personnel to return to active duty.

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S1W Chief and Public Enemy Minister Of Information Professor Griff
"In order to come to the aid of the hip-hop nation, we must regrettably ask those men who heroically served the Black Planet to once again don their fatigues and take up their plastic arms," S1W Chief and Public Enemy Minister Of Information Professor Griff said. "We have no more options. It's not as though we can simply call 911. That would be a joke."

"Some see this as a sign of defeat," Griff added. "Don't believe the hype: We will come out triumphant in this Mess Age."

S1W comprised the paramilitary security wing of the Public Enemy forces from the late 1980s to the mid-1990s. Their intimidating martial presence and synchronized dance steps routinely struck fear in the hearts of concertgoers hoping to enjoy a Beastie Boys or Big Audio Dynamite performance.

Although successfully deployed during the ongoing power-fighting that marked much of Public Enemy's existence, doubts have been raised, even among S1Ws themselves, of their current effectiveness.

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S1Ws
"I am proud of my service to Public Enemy," said retired S1W Roger Chillous, 41. "I was right there in the front of the stage for the First London Invasion tour of duty right before I retired. But I can no longer effortlessly execute the complex choreographed maneuvers that were once required of me. I wasn't called up for the East Coast–West Coast conflict, so I don't understand why I was for this."

Others adopted a militant stance evocative of their younger days, claiming that they have already done their fair share of cold lampin'.

"I got a letter from the P.E. the other day," said James Bomb, 46, also a former S1W. "I opened it, and read it, and said they were suckers. They want me for their army or whatever? Picture me giving a damn—I said 'Never.'"

"Then again, I could use the money," Bomb added.

John "Pop" Oliver, 52, said that commitments to his wife and children make returning to the S1W life much more difficult.

"How is my family going to feel when they turn on the news to find out that the Bomb Squad has been sent into action again?" Oliver said. "I'm like, comatose walking around. I just got my life back, I'm not ready to leave it behind."



"Not since we entered the Terrordome have we needed this much support from the S, the S1Ws"

Chuck D

Public Enemy leader Chuck D admitted that he had "greatly underestimated" the strength of the power in the late 1990s, having called it "contained" and discharging all but a small force of S1Ws. Despite numerous campaigns to create a broad, multi-racial coalition in order to increase recruitment, such as joint actions with Anthrax, U2 and Gang of Four, recruitment has been less than half that of pre-1992 levels.

(snip)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53796

[catnhatnh]

1. So,there is SOME use for Ritalin...N/T

[cool user name]

2. Huh?

[htuttle]

3. Sorry, I tried to help you all I can

Now I can't do nuttin' for you man. :shrug:

[catnhatnh]

4. The original post seemed either obscure or obtuse...

not sure of which, I suggested medication...

[htuttle]

6. It's a start, a work of art

To revolutionize make a change -- nothin's strange.

[cool user name]

7. You have to be a Public Enemy fan to get it.

No Ritalin is required, Doc.

[htuttle]

8. Yeeeeaaaaaah, boyyyyyyy!

:)

[cool user name]

11. Super cali fragilistic expiala gooky!

[Rosemary2205]

5. it's the onion.

All their stuff is a bit off.

[SidDithers]

9. It takes a nation of millions...

to hold us back!

Sid

[cool user name]

10. Terminator X ...

Go Go Go Go Go Go
Take A look at his style
Take A check of the sound
Off the record people keep him down
Trick a chick in Miami
Terminator X packs the jams
Whow gives a fuck about a Goddamn Grammy
Anyway and I say the D's defending the mike
Yeah who gives a fuck about what they like
Right the power is bold the rhymes politically cold
No judge can ever budge or ever handle his load
Yes the coming is near and he's about to become
The one and only missionary lord son of a gun
Going on and on back trackin' the whack
Explain the knack y'all for the actual fact, c'mon

Terminator X Go off (4X)
Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go

He goes on and on 'till he reaches the coast
Tired, wired of his own race playing him close
Understand his type of music kills the
Plan of the klan
You know the pack attack the man
With the palm of his hands
Police, wild beasts, dogs on a leash
No peace to reach - thats why he's packin' his black piece
Terminator X yellin' with his hands
Damn almighty rulin ready to jam
But his cuts drive against the belt
Sheet...he's bad by his damn self
Yeah, his one job cold threatens the crowd
The loud sound pound to make brothers proud

Terminator X Go off (4X)
Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go

Gettin' small makin' room for it all
Flavors on the phone so he can...
Make the call
I know you're clockin' the enemy
You should be clockin' the time
Checkin' records I'm wreckin' you
For defecting my rhyme
No provokin', no jokin', you know the stage is set
If you're thinkin' I'm breakin'
He ain't rocked it yet
My education is takin' you for a long ride
I'll have you brain slip and do the slide
Glide into infinity, it's infinite
With your hands in your pockets
I know your money is spent
Like this, like that, butter for the fat
If you kill my dog, I'ma slay your cat
It's like that y'all, can you handle it son
I'm public enemy number one

Terminator X Go off (4X)
Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go