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by U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff
10. People chat on it. And when people chat, they get ideas. And when they get ideas, they don't do what they are told. So we will infiltrate chat with "intelligence fusion centers" to keep their IQs down.
9. People might learn how to make bombs, like the London bombers didn't. They did all their planning in person, but they may have used the internet to buy backpacks or clothes or something.
8. The world is a scary place, and only we have the right to spread moral panic with terrorist alerts. The people are too dumb to understand how scary the world is so they should count on us to know when to be afraid, very afraid.
7. Porn. God and Gore didn't invent the Internets to deliver porn to workers at work. We have lost over 27,000,000,000,000 hours of work time to porn, and that is why the deficit is in the trillions.
6. As my friend Alberto says, downloading child porn is victimizing the child again, as viewing a news report of a murder is murdering again, and viewing a car accident on the news is the same as driving you car into a pedestrian. You have our permission to be very afraid about this.
5. It is too easy for Interneters to debunk propaganda vital to our national security interest. Take gas prices, for example... no, nevermind. Take NSA spying... no, not that one, either. Take... just trust me on this one.
4. There is Hollywood stuff on the Internets and everyone knows Hollywood is a commie plot to destroy America. Take Michael J. Fox, for example. Um, no, trust me on this one, too.
3. Our Secret Service research at Democratic Underground proves that citizens no longer take government announcements seriously. Interneters joke about vitally serious matters. This trivializes the superb intellectual integrity of this administration. After carefully considering producing a Reefer Madness II, we has to dismiss the idea for fear of ridicule. See number 5 above.
2. The Internet drastically interferes with elections. Republicans cannot win an election without carefully controlled information reaching the voters. Take Rush Limbaugh, for example. Scratch that. Take Ann Coulter, please, take her!
And the number one reason to Police State the Internets....
1. We have to stop Democratic Underground!
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