"What Republicans Believe" (oldie but goodie)

[Rick Myers]

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

[TechBear_Seattle]

1. How about some excerpts from the RR dictionary?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x1937580

[karlrschneider]

2. Here's a little story that meshes: A day in Joe Conservative's life

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare
his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some
tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first
swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe
to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety
and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's
medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid
medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs.
Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal
fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his
shampoo.

His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents
because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was
putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and
takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some
environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries and government from
polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his
government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and
transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation,
which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.


Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay,
medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy
liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's
employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.
Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills.


Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's
money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan
because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was
educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his
father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car
is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal
fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third
generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't
want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until-some big-government liberal
stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

Joe is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and
a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take
care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host
keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that Joe's
beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his
day. Joe agrees. "After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of
themselves, just like I have."

[indepat]

3. The number of Joe Conservative cousins I have is utterly mind-boggling, sense-

numbing, and sanity-defying. :crazy: