http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2006/11/democratic_thum.aspTHE PRESIDENT: Say, why all the glum faces? You'd think I had single-handedly sent the GOP staggering naked into the political wilderness or something!
Anyhoo, yesterday, the American people went to the polls. And late last night, as I was watching Brit Hume, picking my toejam and munching some Cheetos, the Kennebunkport red phone rang. It was Poppy, and boy was he on a Tanqueray tear! He said we were about to lose BIG in Congress. He was kinda blubbering, and I could hear mom in the background, screaming and smashing plates and kicking the shit out of Millie Jr.
So I asked dad if it was time to call Jeb and our boys on the Supreme Court to fix everything for me. But here's where it gets confusing: He said we couldn't. So I said, "But I want it, Poppy!" Now given how completely effective that line has been throughout my entire life, you can imagine my shock when he replied with, "there's nothing I can do, son." Well I figured this must be like that time in high school when he balked at buying me the "hugger orange" Camaro with a racing stripe, so I balled my fists and scrunched up my face and screamed "BUT IWANTIT IWANTIT IWANTIT IWANT IT IWANTIT… NOW!!!"
Well... Ummm... I didn't get it. Thanks for NOTHING, Dad! You asshole! (Flips bird at camera.)
And so... this morning... (Wipes tear from eye.) I want to remind folks – especially the committee chairmen of the next Congress – how way back in 2000 when I was running for President, I used to recite lines about something called "bipartisanship." Remember that? Well I sure did mean it – the last six years notwithstanding. And... I'm really... looking forward to... (Involuntary gag reflex) working WITH ya'll... on... stuff.
I now... accept... that my bestest pals Dr. Bill and Tom DeLay and Rick Satorum are all gone, and that Nancy Pelosi (Pinches nipples of shirt, pulls outward to simulate breasts.) will be the next Nagger of the House. And that... Harry Reid (Winces.) will lead a... Democratic Senate. And I want to... politely... (Cringes.) suggest to them that they should forget all about how I've spent the past the past six years totally ignoring them – when I wasn't slandering their patriotism or accusing them of treason.
Yes... I want to recommend that Congressional Democrats think of nice, positive things... like rainbows... and kittens... and pathetic sacrificial lambs named Don Rumsfeld who've just been publicly crucified as a cheap olive branch.
And to the soon-to-be committee chairmen... I want to offer a... friendly (Dry heaves.) bit of advice: investigations and subpoenas can't buy happiness. And they can't end my war or bring all those thousands of people I've killed back to life.
So... Umm... Please don't impeach me. Please? Come on by for lunch. Dick and me will introduce you to all our crook friends, and before you know it, you'll be getting so rich so fast, you'll forget all about those loser nobodies who cast votes for you. OK? Do we have a deal? Tell you what - you sleep on it and get back to me. Preferably in two years or so.
As for you boys in the press... I know I haven't been totally neighborly to y'all. And I can see that now, especially the way y'all be gnashing your teeth and smiling like jackals and whatnot. Yes, the GOP got ourselves a "thumpin'". What's that mean, you say? Well if I had to translate it into something Madame Speaker Jane Fonda could understand, it's an "unlubricated anal fisting by a fat Negro with eye glitter."
Well, all that fake, folksy humility wasn't 100% bullshit – I am humbled. This election taught me lots. Yessir. It taught me that Karl Rove isn't infallable. It taught me that sometimes, smug self-satisfaction isn't the same thing as courage of one's convictions. It also taught me that, again, KARL ROVE FUCKED UP MY FUNTIME YOU STUPID POTATO HEAD BVD SHIT WHISKER! Why didn't someone tell me the party was a-endin'? Why didn't someone tell me that the last six years weren't no campaign, they was actually presidentin'?
So congratulations to the Democrats, and may God Bless a Super-Forgiving, Non-Vengeful America.
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