My mom just had a bad fall. She's had back surgery...my dad is taking her

[xultar]

do the doctor.

If she dies should I be shocked? Her health hasn't been the greatest over the last couple of years.

This whole thing reminds me of a post I saw yesterday...that Ford's family shouldn't have been shocked when he died because he was 93 years old and they shouldn't have been shocked. I don't know about y'all but that's fucked up.

Should I be shocked if my mom dies? Some people here would say no. They'd also want to talk about all the all bad things/not so great stuff my mom has done in her life within the days after her death in stead of thinking of her positively.

I don't know ya'll. I just can't do it. Regardless of what happens to my mom I'll always be shocked when she goes. I love her. She's my mom. I could never imagine and be prepared for her death, my dads or anyone in my family or friends sphere.

I'd want people to respect me and my family and not diss her until we have her buried. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

Anyway...hearing that my mom fell caused me to have some reflection on all the stuff I've been seeing on DU.

I want you to know no matter who croaks I wouldn't disrespect their death. Death is the great equaliser no matter what petty bullshit anyone pulls out when it is your family and friends you'll want your grief respected. What's so bad about wanting to pass that on? None of us are perfect and most of us have screwed up in some MAJOR ways in our own realm of realities.

I'm done on the subject of death and respect. Apparently some of us got home-trained and some didn't. Real life has called me and I'm hopin my mom is alright. I expect to get a call from my dad in a couple of hours. I pray my mom is o.k. God help anyone who fucks with her or talks about her either. Whether she is alive or dead...because if they do...IT. IS. FUCKING. ON!

[Virginia Dare]

1. Forgive me, but...

it seems like you are trying to personalize something that shouldn't be personal, i.e., one has nothing to do with the other.

P.S. I hope your mom will be okay, too.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

2. Geez Louise.

If somebody is ninety three years old and has had a series of strokes and lingers near death for months in and out of critical condition, is it shocking when they die? I wouldn't think so.

Comparing Ford's condition to a sudden accident is a bit disingenuous.

[zanne]

44. Even if it doesn't make sense, it's shocking

My mother died at the age of 86 after a ten-year bout with Alzheimer's. For the last two years, she couldn't speak, understand anything or even turn herself over in bed. I thought I had already said goodbye to her and figured that when her body died it would just make it official. She died last spring and I'm still trying to get over the fact that I don't have to tiptoe past her room anymore. I still find myself crying when I think about how much I miss her.

[Maat]

56. I went through a similar situation.

Only it was Dad, he was 77 years old, and the dementia he suffered for nine years (virtually completely psychotic or totally unaware) was caused by his decades of alcoholism. I lost him this past September 7th.

Take care!

[Kurovski]

68. It's always a shock to lose anyone we know to death, particularly

a close family member. Part of the mind simply doesn't let the reality in prior to the event.

At least that has been my experience.

I agree with Xultar. Reporting on what the man did in history is one thing, expressing contempt and hatred is another, and might better be reserved for a week from now--If only out of a sense of respect for those fellow DUers who are themselves feeling some sadness at this time over Ford's death.

[pecwae]

70. Having worked with Hospice

for several years I can tell you that the majority of those with loved ones lingering on a death bed even at an old age are still not prepared for the transition emotionally. As ridiculous as it may sound to you many hold out hope for a miracle. And not every Hospice patient is ready to check out just because the doctor says his/her time is near. Many of those hoping to live to 95 are 94 years old.

[madokie]

3. Real life has called me and I'm hopin my mom is alright.

I'm in your corner, I hope she's going to be ok too.

[Midlodemocrat]

4. Whether sudden or expected, loss still causes grief.

I hope your mom will be okay.

[originalpckelly]

5. How often we forget that we want the world to be a more compassionate place.

The world starts with us. If we expect other people to let bygones be bygones and settle their differences, is it so much to ask that we ourselves should do that?

[Behind the Aegis]

6. I hope she recovers quickly and well!

I would imagine her death, no matter when, would come as a shock. While old age and injury (on occasion) may be precursors to death, it doesn't change the fact that the person is no longer there physically, and it is that change that most affects us.

I hope she recovers soon. Tell Mr. Sprinkles to say a special doggie prayer...everyone knows G-d favors dogs over us because of the spelling of their name. :)

:hug:

[xultar]

60. Thanks BtA. My mom is doing fine. Onyx got neutered today too.

His gigantic chihuahua balls are gone. He's resting comfortably. Mr Sprinkles is in his play pen so he doesn't mess up the stitches.

Tell your guy we've got to make plans to have a Chihuahua play date. I'll bring my 4 Chis and we'll party hearty.

[Behind the Aegis]

69. What a relief.

I hope she continues to do well!

Poor Onyx. :( Voodoo was having his "way" with his stuffed hedgehog...so I won't tell him about Onyx. :)

Keep yourself in good spirits and bask in Chihuahua love!

[lisa58]

7. I hope your Mom is alright...

...if not the transition is really about the grieving process - letting go of what you're used to. Shock is usually reserved for events that you never saw coming, or thought could not happen to you.

Again, I hope your Mom is alright.

[pacalo]

8. So sorry about your mom. I just said a prayer for her.

Your feelings about death say it for me. It doesn't even occur to me to take part in any discussion that disses the dead. I don't even open those threads.

Take care & I'm hoping for the best for your mother.

[goclark]

9. Prayers for your Mom xultar

I totally agree with your post.

I feel the same about my Mom, nobody better ever say a bad word about her!

In turn, I try hard to speak kindly or not speak at all about the departed.

In fact, I try to find something good about everyone, it is easier that way.

Keep us posted about your Mom!

[originalpckelly]

10. Yep same here.

I hope you're mom gets better xultar. :hug:

[CountAllVotes]

18. speaking ill of the dead

is a sin. I guess that is why I don't hate being a Catholic because I remember this much from the teachings of the Church anyway.

Both of my parents are dead. I still grieve their deaths. I will never stop grieving either, as that is part of the picture they never bother to tell you about. We can pray our grief will be short but I find this to be rather unrealistic myself.

You are so very right. If you can't say something decent about a person that has died, keep your damn mouth SHUT is right on.

I hope the OP's mother will be ok. Falls can be very bad, any age after about 50 years.

and to the OP - your mother is in my thoughts and in my prayers. Ask God for help and God will hear you and God will help.

[Rosemary2205]

11. Hugs and prayers

I hope her pain is minimal, her recovery fast.

[xultar]

61. Thanks. My mom is o.k. Black eye, bump on the head and a minor

concussion. It is quite frightening to be in this situation. My mom is frail and it is making me nervous.

Thanks so much for your kind words.
X

[JohnnyLib2]

12. I'm with you and wish the best for your mom.

Said it earlier, I want my children and grandchildren to have proper respect and that starts with my actions. Your mom can be proud of you. Well, maybe not the language, but the thought! Take care.

[xultar]

62. My mom was using the F-word just the other day talking about that Denver

player that got killed.

She wouldn't like me sayin it but she can drop f-bombs like nobody's business.

She's o.k. tonight. Black and blue with a big ole egg sized knot on her head. I'm just glad she didn't fall down the stairs.

[JohnnyLib2]

66. Ha! I like her even better now.

Very thoughtful of you to respond to all of us. Onward....

[Cleita]

13. I hope she's okay and you are right, even though you may

be expecting a family member to die sooner rather than later, it's always a shock when it happens and it's never less devasting.

My prayers for your mother's better health.

[Robbien]

14. Sending good vibes your Mom's way

Why would anyone say anything bad about your mom. She didn't put a nation's soldiers in harm's way based on a lie, nor did she pardon the guy who did such a dastardly deed.

Your mom seems like a right nice person from where I sit.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

15. Hoping your mother is doing all right

As for death and dying, I have, at times, known before someone died that their death was going to occur soon (and this wasn't because of them having a life-threatening condition). It is a very sad feeling, but one that helped me know and get ready for that transition. Personally, I believe that death is merely a portal to the next step in becoming. But it can still be a shock, and is very sad.

[bluerum]

16. My best wishes for her speedy recovery and for strength and peace to

you and your family during the ordeal.

Now, should you be shocked or surprised if she does pass? No. Not if she has been ill, is weak, and is prepared for death.

Should you be saddened and feel a sense of loss? Yes of course. Most people have these feelings when they lose someone close to them.

[xultar]

63. Thanks for your post. She's doin o.k. tonight.

[Warpy]

17. My mother was deaf, blind, with end stage COPD,

unable to walk from spinal cord problems, and a poorly controlled diabetic with all the complications. She spent her last 4 years in bed, wishing for death. I thought it would be a blessing when she went. I was there, and it was still a shock, even though I'd noted the unmistakable signs the night before.

Death did not confer sainthood, however, and she'd made just as many mistakes in life before her death as she had when she left us.

To deny half her life would be to deny her as a human being, IMO, even when that half of her life was the bad one.

If you're complaining about the threads here criticizing some of Ford's decisions, realize they have nothing to do with the man Ford was. Some of his decisions were awful. However, to deny them is to deny part of his life.

You really don't want that, do you?

[xultar]

59. Well let's put it this way..wait till she's buried. That's all I'm sayin.

If people have no class and can't wait till shes buried then I have no use for them.

[stellanoir]

19. Ouch !!! gotchyer back girl

Nobody messes with Xultar's momma !!!

Sending her, your dad, you, and your little dogs too the very best vibes.

Hope she heals up soon.

[xultar]

57. Thanks Stella...Heart ya! X

[lldu]

20. My wife died recently

Although she has been in pretty bad shape from diabetes, arthritis, dialysis for loss of kidney function, leg amputation, as well as a total pelvic sweep, I was not prepared for her death. Two years ago she went in for massive blood loss. I was called in by the ER Dr and told she wouldn't make it thru the night.

I went to her and she had very little blood pressure. She looked back and said "I am going to go see Mom, Pop, and my GrandDaddy." She closed her eyes and I told her goodbye. Two minutes later, she opens her eyes and says "But not yet!" Two days later she was released from the hospital.

She has had so many close calls, you would think I would be prepared for her death. I wasn't. She went in again this last April for massive blood loss again. This was on Monday. She was stable til Wednesday night when she lost consciousness. I was called in and helped her to come around, but surgery was needed. I was still Ok because she was so tough.

She went thru the first surgery Ok, but remained unconscious. They had to take her back in because of complications. This second time, she came out in worse shape and still unconscious. Between both surgeries, she went thru 90 units of blood and used all the platelets in town. They had to get platelets from another town.

I called her family and asked them to come in. 7 hours after they got here, she died.

I was not prepared. You may think you are prepared, but until it happens, you really aren't.

LLDU

[Lars39]

23. I'm so sorry for your loss, lldu.

:hug:

[xultar]

33. I'm sorry for your loss. Man I can understand. I like the "But not yet!" that made me smile.

Your wife sounds like a fighter. I dig her spirit. I dig your spirit. Many close calls would have me on my wits end. I don't think I could do it. I respect your strength and applaud the courage it took to support someone through so many health issues. My mom has Diabetes and arthritis and she is failing at an alarming rate. It is frightening what these diseases do to the human body. I hope you and your family made it through the tough times intact with great memories of her to last a lifetime. I love to remember the funny stuff about lost loved ones. I hope you have funny things to remember @ family gatherings that make people smile and laugh. Those are the best memories!


Right now I'm angry @ my mom. My mom has fallen twice this year and 4 time since her back surgery.
She doesn't do what the doctor says and she's so hard headed. Still though. I'll never be prepared.

I just talked to my dad. He sounds frightened and angry too. They are @ the drs. She wanted to go to the emergency room but my dad took her to his physician I hope it was a good move and not a stupid one.

Thanks for your post. Love ya X

[bobbolink]

39. On such a sad note, welcome to DU, lldu

I warmly welcome you, :hi:, and offer you my hand in friendship and understanding and empathy.

I'm sorry for what you went through, and know that usually we can't be "prepared". It's just how it is.

I'm sure your wife left a hole in your life, and I hope that 2007 brings days of peace for you.

Thank you for sharing with us! :hi:

[ninkasi]

43. I'm sorry for your loss

No, we are never really prepared, are we? You and your wife went through a lot. You say that her death was recent, so I know the pain must still be raw. It will never go away, but will become a little easier in time. :hug: She was a fighter, wasn't she? I think I would have enjoyed knowing her.

[sandnsea]

47. My sympathies

My mother had a long illness. My father died instantly. They were both equally hard. I can't even imagine the sorrow in losing a life partner. :hug:

[babylonsister]

21. My mother was sick/terminal to close to 3 years and when she

died, I was still shocked. Perhaps I wasn't ready to let her go, but death is so final and I didn't want to admit that finality.
So I get what you're saying, xultar. May your mom be okay and recover quickly. :hug:

[Tell Them The Truth]

22. On Death

It's easy for us all( the living, that is) to down play the significance of death. It is easy for us to play with the subject like so many cats with balls of string, but it isn't easy to stare it in the face.

It isn't easy for people to look in the mirror and see there own whithered faces, pale with the oncoming strains of death. More over, it isn't easy for us to look at one of the people that brought us into the world and see those same strains baring down. But there is more to death than the simple loss of life.

Death is an inevitability. Without death life would be utterly pointless. Death is the ultimate expression of the old idea that you cannot truly appreciate the good without an understanding of the bad. To simplify: If your mother dies it will in effect negate the bad that she has done in her life. Why? Because those bad things that she may have done (provided she wasn't a serial killer or habitual child rapist or something along those lines) all pale in the shadow of death.

This world, These Politics, This constant struggle to do something -- anything -- to improve the lives we live, and the lives of those around us would be pointless if the X-Factor of Death were removed from the equation.

[xultar]

58. Thanks for your post. She's doin o.k. tonight.

[Pathwalker]

24. I'll be praying for your Mother, Xultar. I'm sorry to hear

about her terrible fall, and I fully agree with your sentiments - it's gotten real ugly here, lately.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

[cali]

25. I hear you xultar, and I hope

for the best for your mom.

[Spirochete]

26. Not a good way

for a new year to start out. I sure hope your mother recovers.

[Mz Pip]

27. I really hope your Mom

will be okay and will return home to live a long and happy life.

I don't think there is one set way to handle to death of a loved one. Some people are shocked, even when it's obvious the end is coming. Others are relieved.

My mom died suddenly 10 years ago. She was 85 so I wasn't really shocked. I'd prepared myself for it, knowing that her high blood pressure would catch up with her eventually. I was surprised because I'd just seen her a couple of hours before. After the initial surprise wore off, I felt some relief because I knew she didn't suffer. SHe never had to go into the hospital or into a nursing home.

Ford was a public figure and one with great power, so his actions while he was alive will be discussed and debated. Goes with the territory. I don't feel any hatred for the man. We've had worse Presidents, that's for sure.

Your mom is lucky to have such a loyal and devoted child.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[xultar]

51. Thanks for your post. My mom is o.k.

[KatieW]

28. xultar, I'll be thinking of you and your mom. I hope it's not as bad as you fear. And you're right,

no matter what the circumstances are, when a love one dies it's a shock. My father died 6 years ago, and though he had been sick the last year or so, his death was still hard to come to terms with. He had been suffering for much of the last year so I tried to say it was a blessing in a way when he died, but I still miss him dearly.

[xultar]

50. Thanks for your post. How's your family doin now? How are you doin

I know you miss him but how are you feeling?

[bobbolink]

29. Best wishes and thoughts for you and your mom.

*You* are known to us, and that makes a big difference.

Clearly, we have concern for you, and, by extension, for your mom.

I hear your anger, and your anxiety, and can understand it. I care.

I don't happen to have the same feeling for Betty.

Peace and best wishes for you and all your family!!

:hug:

[xultar]

49. Thanks for your post. She's doin o.k.

[bobbolink]

65. Thanks for your update! I'm really glad she's doing better.

I know it was a scare for you--that's what I heard in your words.

That big moment when "mortality" takes on a whole new meaning.

Blessings on both of you! :hug:

[PlanetBev]

30. Best wishes to your family, xultar

My 85 year-old father took a fall about four months ago and hit his head. He's alright, but it still scared the shit out of me.

Hope your mom is feeling better soon.

[xultar]

48. A parent falling is FRIGHTENING they seem so vulnerable. I'm so used to

her picking me up from falling not the other way around.

how's your pops? All better?

My mom is fine...black eye, big ole knot on her head and a minor concussion but she's fine.

Thanks for your post.

[demobabe]

31. I'm sorry to hear about your mom...

...and the fact she fell is already a shock.

For folks to argue on the DU about whether or not someone should or shouldn't be shocked, upset, happy, whatever - is not really a valid argument to begin with.

Emotions are that - emotions. They're not rational and aren't logical. Apples and oranges.

I've been torn up over the loss of a pet than over the death of some relatives.

Why should I feel sad if a celebrity I like dies? I don't know them.

My brain tells me these things shouldn't be that way, but that is the way it is.

You love your mother - another emotion, and whatever happens to her, you will have feelings. Neither right or wrong, they just "are." I hope she heals quickly.

:hug:

[AspenRose]

32. It's all a matter of respect

Prayers for your mom....

[xultar]

46. Thanks for your prayers! My mom is o.k. Black eye big ole knot on her head

minor concussion. So we're fine. She's fine. I'm fine.

[DemocratSinceBirth]

34. My Mom Is Eighty Eight Years Old-God Bless Her...

When it's your parent you want them around forever... It's only natural...


God bless you and your mom....

[hashibabba]

35. Xultar, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope she gets

better quickly! You're entitled to any emotions you're feeling right now. I'd be shocked if my father died (not so much my mother because she has never taken care of herself). It doesn't matter how old they get.

Goclark said: In fact, I try to find something good about everyone.

Good policy. It would be different if more people here saw some of what was good about Ford instead of only focusing on the incorrect decisions he made.

Its not sticking your head in the sand to also acknowledge positive things about the dead. Its called compassion.

[Kurovski]

36. A prayer has gone out for your mom.

She raised a good daughter.

[DeepModem Mom]

37. Prayers for your Mom and your family, xultar --

I always hear when there's been a death that it brings out the best in some and the worst in others. You, bless you, are among the former.

[uppityperson]

38. Best wishes to you, my condolences to all and yes.

Just because someone is elderly or sick or in the active process of dying still their death can be a shock and, even if I were to not respect the person who died, their Death I will respect. There is a difference between the person and the Death. Good luck to all.

[xultar]

45. Thanks.

[DarbyUSMC]

40. I'm one of the walking dead, xultar.

We all are, in a way. I call myself that because I've been on life support for twenty years. However, this isn't about me, it's about you and your mom and your family. Death doesn't take holidays. If you don't prepare your mind for it, as it will come inevitably, you're heart will truly break when it occurs. I know I'm much older than most folks here, but I wasn't always old, needless to say. People in my family, including my mother, started the exodus from the planet back in 1969. Had we had stock in the local funeral parlor I'd be doin' OK today. Reality bites but just as birth is a beginning; there has to be an end. It's up to those of us left behind to treasure the days we have with the family and friends who are still here. Especially when there is a close call --- hold them closer yet to your heart..... one day at a time.

I hope your mom will recover and feel better every day.

Picnics in the Cemetery.

http://mockingbirdhill.homestead.com/picnicsinthecemetery.html

The sign welcoming you to my hometown and letting you know that we have two funeral parlors. We are loyal to Martins.

http://mockingbirdhill.homestead.com/myhometown.html

[ninkasi]

41. I'm so sorry, Xultar

I truly hope your mom will recover fully. It's ALWAYS a shock when a loved one dies, always. In some ways, those who live to great ages, and those who continue to live even with poor health, are the ones whose deaths shock us the most, because they seem almost indestructible. My granny died in 1974, at the age of 91. Her health had been poor for years before that, so even though she was very old, in some ways it came as a shock because she had pulled through so many things before.

She is your mother, and brought you into this world. You love her, and are protective of her now. No death ever goes un-mourned, regardless of the circumstances, such as the case with Saddam Hussein. His relatives mourn him, and their grief is genuine. Never, ever let anybody tell you how you should feel about the ones you love. That is nobody else's business, and nobody else's right. Again, I pray that your mother recovers completely. My prayers are with you.

[Karenina]

42. A speedy recovery for your mom

and All Good Things to you and your family.

[Rex]

52. I hope she will be okay.

You're right, falls are very serious. I took care of my grandfather until his dying day and he was a big man like me. He fell down a few times and would have bruises and wounds. I had to watch him close.

I hope your mom recovers quickly.

[xultar]

53. Thanks. She's o.k. since her surgery paralysis has been a huge concern

I don't know what I'm going to do if that happens.

[Rex]

55. Well I can offer you infinite hope and goodwill.

Plus DUrs are here to help and offer hope. :)

[k_jerome]

54. please let us know how things are going...

I hope she will come through this.

[xultar]

71. He's o.k. Concussion, black eye and a huge knot. Sadly this is one of

many falls I found out last night.

I'm not prepared to deal with a paralyzed mom. Her Dr. warned her of falling after her surgery. Plus she's a diabetic who doesn't follow her medication so she's gonna be in a heap o shit if she doesn't get straight.

Tough love is about to land on her this weekend.

[ninkasi]

72. Good for you, Xultar

Sometimes, we older ones get a bit stubborn when our grown children tell us what to do, but you will be helping your mom. My own daughter, 39, does the same to me sometimes, and after I have a chance to think about why she's scolding me, I realize she's doing the same thing I did with her growing up. She, and you, are expressing your love and concern. Your mom has a daughter she must be very proud of!

[GreenPartyVoter]

64. *Hugs, prayers, and good vibes headed your way*

[struggle4progress]

67. Glad to hear she's okay.

[tigereye]

73. good point, Xultar

good wishes for your mom.