***DUzy Awards for week ending January 5, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring merciless merriment, malicious mirth and magnificent madness from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

Feel free to add your own choices. The potentially-prestigious DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

OP by specimenfred1984:

      I'm confused, was Gerald Ford hanged?
LOL, I guess my propaganda headlines are all mixed up!

response #4 by tanyev:

      Yeah, I don't think he should have pardoned Nixon, but to hang
him for doing that, that's just not right.

response #5 by JohnnyRingo:

      Though they say that was Saddam with a noose around his neck....
I saw him fly a jet into the World Trade Center a few years ago, and he walked away from that, so don't count him out.

GD, December 30, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3006304

On a thread by DeepModem Mom:

      "Finally, it appeared that Saddam Hussein would die during 'Larry King Live.'"

response #3 by stopbush:

      "Tonight, Saddam's execution. Tomorrow night, Paris Hilton & Tammy Faye
will visit. Then, for the new year, we'll talk to William Hung about how it feels to have that name this week. All on Larry King Live!"

GD, December 30, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3006653

OP by Bozita:

      Is this the night when Condi says, "You've got the biggest one ever, Georgie"?
Any and all interpretations welcome.

response #7 by johnfunk:

      "Ah do NOW, Condih -- they cut it off Suddamn an' grafted it on me!"

GD, December 30, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3002907

OP by Commie Pinko Dirtbag:

      Memo to RW lurkers:
Hanging Saddam won't get you the House or the Senate back. Sorry to piss on your parade. No, wait, I'm not.

GD, December 30, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3004847

OP by Godlesscommieprevert:

      I WOULD go see the Chimperor's body lying in state
Just to make sure the bastard was dead.

response #7 by Hekate:

      Someone should bring a mallet and wooden stake. nt

GD, December 30, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3009022

On a thread by MazeRat7:

      FT Article: Cheney faces troubled new year

response #3 by Cocoa:

      maybe Cheney can get a deferment from 2007

GD, December 31, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3006790

On a thread by Erika:

      Where is OBL?

response #5 by NNadir:

      He's working in a 7/11 just outside of Topeka, Kansas.
He's been there for years, although he recently took a vacation in Argentina with the Bush twins, not exactly two "virgins" in heaven, but fun anyway.

response #6 by Monkeyman:

      Under Rove's Bed waiting for 2008

response #14 by TahitiNut:

      Enjoying the new LCD TV at Kennebunkport, while tossing down a few brewskis?
:shrug:

GD, December 31, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3010871

On a thread by Bluebear:

      Theologian in a major lather over "African American Xmas Dinner"

response #8 by charlie:

      Good grief
What does he think an ethnic dinner is, but a chance to show others how it's done back home? What does he imagine goes on...

"Welcome to the 2006 African American Christmas Dinner! And, as promised.... HERE ARE THE NEGROES! Give 'em a big hand, show your appreciation. Alright! Alright, take a bow guys, thanks for coming. Now, I know the rest of you are raring to tuck into those turkey loaves and jello molds, so... dig in. ENJOY!"

No, wait. He's probably thinking it's an all-black affair. Bereted, bandoliered Black Panthers sitting down to a meal of Solidarity Squash and Class Struggle Cabbage. No Whitey allowed.

Whatta loon.

GD, December 31, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3011753

OP by grace0418:

      "Good thing Cheney wasn't in charge of the 21 gun salute!"
That, my friends, was the comment my dear husband made in front of his very conservative family tonight as we watched part of the funeral procession...

response #4 by Old and In the Way:

      And what if Cheney had been in charge and there was an accident?
He'd say..."Pardon me!"

GD, December 31, 2006: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3011281

OP by MGD:

      Saddam Hussein spotted in Buenos Aries. Massive Conspiracy unfolding.
It's true and you heard it here first.

response #34 by novalib:

      He's in Buenos ARIES!!!!!
Hussein is with all the other Buenos ARIES!!!!

He is not with any of the Malos ARIES!!

(I didn't even realize that Hussein was an Aries. I thought he might be a Pisces.)

The Lounge, January 1, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=6006316

OP by democrank:

      Just figured out how Bush can boost his sagging poll numbers
He should go to Baghdad. Alone. Set up a little table outside the Green Zone with his "BRING IT ON" tee shirts. Sell them for $15.00 each. Use the profits for a giant bronze GWB statue with "The Decider" chiseled on it. Set it up in a busy place. Call up Halliburton Honchos and ask them to oversee the flower petal cleanup so Iraqis will know Bush respects their land and doesn`t want to litter the place. Pay a few journalists to spread the word about his good deeds. Have some Texas body man airbrush a huge sign with...STAY THE COURSE...and cement it right next to the little table. Maybe even light it up at night. Wear his old uniform from the Vietnam War and display a photo of Barb and Jen helping mankind in Argentina.I`m telling you, this is a winning plan. After a couple weeks of the "hard work" he`s famous for, Bush can come on home on a flight overseeing the next group of caskets. That human touch alone will assure a hero`s welcome. Within days, Bush can have an in-depth interview on Fox News and by nightfall Americans will rally round `43. It`s a slam dunk.

GD, January 1, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3019048

On a thread by pstokely:

      What will happen to the fake ranch after 2008?

response #2 by Kutjara:

      It'll be turned into a theme park.
"Dubyah's World O' Bush".

There'll be rides and attractions themed to major events in Shrub's presidency, starting with "Choose the Prez" bingo and "Where's My Medicare" hall of mirrors; moving on to the terrifying "Iraq Fiasco" rollercoaster and "Flume O' Lies" water attraction; before finishing off with a unique ride that combines a hair-raising downhill mountain bike ride with pretzel-eating (and named, somewhat enigmatically, "Imagine.")

response #11 by Vidar:

      "Loaded up the truck and moved to Paraguay."

response #18 by SAXMAR:

      Mr. Haney has arranged sale to Douglas family...
George and Weezie (oops sorry, I mean Laura) will move to a deluxe apartment in the sky!

response #38 by LeftyMom:

      Lacking Dubya to defend it, it'll be overrun by brush, which will expand and overwhelm life on Earth
See, you all had a chance to assist him in his God-ordained mission to save us all from freedom hating mesquite, and you chose instead to make fun.

Too late will you realize your fate, when our brambly overlords gain their rightful place and mulch us all.

GD, January 1, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3017578

On a thread by JonathanChance:

      Citing concerns about theft, Milwaukee area retailers keeping condoms under lock and key.

response #2 by edwardlindy:

      Do the thieves leave a note
saying "bet you didn't see that coming" :)

GD, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3023487#top

OP by Virginia Dare:

      When does the decider pull his head out of his ass...
and figure out the "way forward"? Is it supposed to be sometime this week? :puke: :dunce:

No rush or anything, after all, there's only been a little over 3,000 troops killed, we're way behind Viet Nam right now. :argh: :cry:

response #3 by peekaloo:

      It takes a lot of guts and courage and determination and time AND hard work
to make the wrong decision! :dunce:

response #4 by Deep13:

      Groundhog Day?
That's when Dubya's head comes out of his ass and if he sees failure, he goes back in and it's six more years of war.

response #7 by radfringe:

      he's not going to do that until
he finds those WMDs... they're in there somewhere... :eyes: :evilgrin:

response #8 by Little Wing:

      He doesn't. They made the coke straws longer instead

response #9 by antifaschits:

      tomorrow, but his head remains deeply inserted. Hey, it's warm, soft, dark
just like condi.

GD, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3024155

OP by annabanana:

      Proof there is no God:
Henry Vampire Kissinger wasn't struck by lightning while at the podium. . and the building did not burst into flame.

GD, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3023741

On a thread by leftyladyfrommo:

      Any Predictions for 2007?

response #3 by Sentinel Chicken:

      I predict the following:
Somewhere a Republican pedophile will be caught in 2007.
Somewhere a Republican will be exposed as corrupt.
Somewhere a Republican will resign in disgrace in 2007.
And all of them will blame the Democrats and the media for their problems.

GDP, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3037548

On a thread by sabra:

      Obama press sec: "Though I'd note that the 's' and 'b' keys aren't all that close to each other"

response #6 by NewJeffCT:

      I make similar typos all the time
Every time I try to type out the word BUSH, it usually comes up ASSHOLE. A purely innocent mistake.

So, I can see how anybody could make that error. An innocent mistake.

GD, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3026182

OP by symbolman:

      If the Chicago UFO is True, then it is a serious National Security Issue,
Someone needs to answer this bullshit, these ain't no white trash folks out swigging whiskey in the woods, these are professionals that saw this.

To offer the old excuses of Weather balloons, like someone has authority to release weather balloons over and or near a busy airport, is Ludicrous in the extreme.

The american people deserve to know if we are in DANGER, besides I'd like to see Falewell explain if JESUS DIED for the SINS of some Alien from Space, wouldn't that be fun? :)

But this IS a National Security Issue and needs to be dealt with. One thing for there to be swamp gas where there are swamps, but I was raised in Illinois and there ain't NO SWAMPS near Chicago that I'm aware of.

response #8 by autorank:

      "Take me to your leader...I'm going to kick his ass;)"
Maybe they're here to tell us to get our act together, that the rest of the cosmos, let alone the universe, is fed up with our war-like ways, that we're not suitable to handle advanced technology as long as our main application is to kill each other.

ATTENTION SPACE PEOPLE. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC or Crawford, that ranch with the vinyl siding. Talk some sense into him then you can leave. 10/4

response #11 by omega minimo:

      "Maybe it's an election monitor sent from Mars...."
:rofl:

response #16 by Mythsaje:

      They need to buzz the white house
and set their phasers on "enlighten."

;)

GD, January 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3022238

OP by Tyo:

      War on Easter?
The war on Christmas is on hold for another year, but Easter will be here before we know it. Need some ideas for a good anti-Easter crusade. Gotta drive this one underground before it gets out of control like Christmas did.

response #1 by no_hypocrisy:

      How about: "Easter: A Great Time to Celebrate Capital Punishment!" n/t

response #2 by sfexpat2000:

      "Stop the murder of innocent eggs."
:rofl:

response #7 by rurallib:

      See! See! the pagans have distorted the story of Christ's resurrection!
The true story of Easter is the remembrance of how Christ rose from the dead, saw his shadow and declared winter was over and then went back in the tomb to eat some boiled colored eggs and chocolate bunnies.

response #17 by Az:

      Well if your aim is to offend....
You could always wish people a Happy Dead Guy On A Stick Day.

GD, January 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3031086

On a thread by Mr. Jinx:

      Rumsfeld speaking now (Ford Funeral)- 2:55 EST

response #2 by Buzz Clik:

      Heavens to Betsy!
"There's the death of death, and there's the dead death as well as undead dead. Some of the dead are dead, some are undead. It's the undead dead that we mourn when they die."

GD, January 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3032669

On a thread by Placebo:

      What "nice things" will be said @ George W. Bush's State Funeral?

response #6 by sarge43:

      "Thank God and Greyhound you're gone" ? n/t

response #13(!) by Deep13:

      He's dead. nt

response #15 by BOSSHOG:

      Okay I'll give it a stab
- He honorably deserted his military unit so as not to jeopardize his teammates lives by operating heavy machinery while fucked up on coke.
- He gave peace and solace to people in this country who have no concept of the truth or patriotism.
- He said that we should set aside politics, although a nice gesture, a seemingly strange thing for a politician to say.
- He kept right wing hate radio strong for eight solid years.
- He kept knowledgeable, thoughtful, intellectually curious Americans on their toes.
- Although he profited from insider trading at harken enterprises he did so with fellow shareholders welfare at the forefront of his thoughts during his criminal spree.
- He made "christians" feel all warm and fuzzy about their existence.

response #37 by chimpsrsmarter:

      "My fellow Americans our long national nightmare is over"

response #38 by Ikonoklast:

      He didn't kill more people than
Mao, Stalin, Hitler, or Pol Pot.

But he was working on it.

response #39 by Placebo:

      "He didn't kill more Americans than Osama did on 9/11...."
"....oh wait—DAMMIT!"

And an honorable mention to all the other responses on the thread.

GDP, January 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3039320

OP by IanDB1:

      Well, maybe you'll have better luck. Capitol Hill Switchboard... Oh, well
So, I called the Capitol Hill switchboard and asked for Senator Rick Santorum's office.

I expected they would say, "Rick Santorum is no longer a member of Congress."

After which, I would reply, "I know. I just wanted to hear someone say that."

Instead, the operator just said, "I'm sorry, that line is busy."

Maybe you guys will have better luck?

The Lounge, January 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6016896

OP by Nimrod2005:

      Damn it! I knew it...I am starting to have gay thoughts!!!
Every since Pelosi took over this morning, with her San Francisco values!!!

I am moving to Canada!!!!!!

:rofl:

response #1 by Richardo:

      Don't forget to destroy someone's marriage before you go!
Bon voyah-gee! :hi:

response #4 by verse18:

      And hug a terrorist, too.
:)

response #6 by itsmesgd:

      do you own Birkenstocks?

response #7 by Bluebear:

      I've been craving Rice-a-Roni all day. nt

response #8 by gilpo:

      Step away from the soy milk.... NOW!

GD, January 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3043138

On a thread by murdoch:

      BBC - Ronald Reagan's bizarre sex hangups

response #1 by mockmonkey:

      He would often look down
at little Ronnie and say, "There you go again."

response #10 by mitchum:

      Well, he certainly didn't hesitate to fuck the country

GD, January 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=3046243

[Kerrytravelers]

1. I love it!

:rofl:

[brer cat]

2. Very funny. K&R

[Spazito]

3. Great job collecting these!

I am still laughing! DUers are incredibly witty as shown by your great choices. I would have missed them all if you hadn't posted them and I hope you will continue to do this as it is a GREAT idea!

Thanks for this, recommended!

[JeffR]

5. Thank you

My intention is to do this weekly.:)

[catnhatnh]

14. Good Deal....Bring them on ...Whoops N/T

[babylonsister]

4. Who knew there were so many comedians on DU?!

:rofl: Thanks for the compilation, Jeff!

[Bjornsdotter]

6. Great job!

Very funny and a great end to the week!

Cheers :toast:

[lildreamer316]

7. Please

keep doing this.
Really needed right now
Thank you!!!!

[NanceGreggs]

8. This is just WAY TOO MUCH FUN!!!

K & R!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[corkhead]

9. What a great Idea. This should be on the main page.

[helderheid]

18. I agree!!

[KittyWampus]

10. Thanks for doing this. One can only imagine what a Freeper version would read like

[JeffR]

13. Their comedy is always unintentional

but they can be pretty funny in spite of themselves.

[malaise]

11. Great idea

:rofl: :rofl:

[HCE SuiGeneris]

12. Thanks JeffR -- I'll be looking forward to more ditties every

whenever-you-get-around-to-it day! ;) :evilgrin:

[mtnester]

15. "Dead guy on a stick day"

priceless...I just finished wiping the makeup off my face that ran down with the tears from laughing my ASS off.

Thanks you for the DUzy's...this will be a definite Friday weekly highlight for me!

[rurallib]

28. Broke me up too

I plan to (discreetly) use it this year. Should raise an eyebrow or two.

[SeattleGirl]

16. I'm lovin' the DUzy Awards!

Indeed, there are some incredibly funny, witty people on DU! Thanks for doing this, and please keep it going!

[hashibabba]

17. Thanks so much for these, JeffR. I do hope you'll continue these

threads on a regular basis. Its fun. This is a good year to laugh a little bit more!

[JeffR]

19. Keepin' 'em kicked

:kick:

[bigwillq]

20. I love the DUzy's.

Congrats to all the winners! :bounce: :toast: :party:

:woohoo:

[AlCzervik]

21. cool! hilarious.

[cwydro]

22. Go DUzys!!!

A fantastic idea!

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

23. Damn.

First they don't give me the Nobel. Now this.

Ah, well. There's always next week.

[JeffR]

29. The Academy has its eye on you, Bornaginhooligan

:crazy:

[crispini]

24. K&R nt

[AwakeAtLast]

25. Terrific!

And very welcome, what with the absence of the Top 10 this week.

Keep up the good work! :thumbsup:

:hi:

[annabanana]

26. (wow. . thanks!)

I never won anything before. .

[JeffR]

30. One suspects multiple wins in your future, annabanana

Keep 'em comin'. Apologies for the lack of a gift basket & a statuette, but we're on a tight budget.

[MsKandice01]

27. The one about the brush on Bush's ranch had me in tears...

Then I read it to my husband and he was laughed too. Then we started talking about Bush's brush clearing hobby (it's really disturbing when you think about it) and how we expect Bush to be out there on the ranch as an old man talking to the brush, wielding his knife, yelling, "I'm the decider!! You dare question me??" *whack* *whack*

LOL...Oh yeah, I'm drunk too.

[Wilms]

31. Thanks! n/t

[Lugnut]

32. Thanks JeffR

I hope you can get around to this every week. Priceless! :)

[SaveOurDemocracy]

33. What a treat!!! Thanks JeffR

My dogs are looking at me like I've lost my mind ... sitting here at 3:30am LMAOOOOO!!! :rofl:

So many clever, funny ones ... some already mentioned above. I also loved Buzz Clik's Rummy eulogizing Gerald Ford.

Congrats all you DUzy's ... thanks for the giggles. :yourock:

[donheld]

34. Best. Post. Ever!

:yourock:

[JeffR]

35. Kick for the Saturday crew

:kick:

[salin]

36. These are a riot!

[newyawker99]

37. xx

[JeffR]

38. Afternoon kick

:kick:

[mzmolly]

39. Great stuff, keep up the great work!

:toast:

[shireen]

40. a fun read!

looking forward to future editions.

this deserves to be front page material.

[Blue_In_AK]

41. Thanks, JeffR

We've got a bunch of comedians here, for sure. Love it.

[blockhead]

42. kick

:kick:

[Robbien]

43. My stomach hurts from laughing so much

thanks jeffR

Saw a post last night that had me in stitches, sending you a pm for possible inclusion into your awards next week.