***DUzy Awards for week ending January 12, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring boisterous badinage, bilious bon mots and bracing banter from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

Feel free to add your own choices. Previous awards can be found in my journal. The glitzalicious DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

On a thread by IanDB1:

      Charlton Heston sued by neighbors over mudslide

response #1 by rfranklin:

      They better watch out...he has a gun!
He just can't remember where he put it.

GD, January 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3056886

On a thread by kskiska:

      Democrats Rename 5 House Committees

response #9 by jgraz:

      We really need a "Kick Chimpy in the Nuts" committee
They could just subpoena B*sh every Monday, take turns kicking him hard in the sack and then send him back home.

response #11 by jamesinca:

      But he will have a signing statement
One that says it is just a hateful kick in the nuts to a family man that likes to procreate, by family hating Dems. Not a kick in the nuts that has anything to do with policy.

response #13 by never cry wolf:

      Hell, that committee could solve the deficit problem
Charge muricans $20 a kick and de outlanders $50 a kick.... There goes the deficit.... A total win-win situation

response #15 by John Q. Citizen:

      Then they'd never impeach him. n/t

response #16 by jgraz:

      Hell, if we got weekly nut-kicks, I'd vote him into a third term
On second thought: not really...

Special thanks to Robbien for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

LBN, January 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2677506

OP by EstimatedProphet:

      Post your freeper jokes here!
Q: What do you have if you have 23 freepers in a room?
A: 1 complete human genome.

Q: Why don't freepers like to garden?
A: The tools keep outsmarting them.

If a freeper falls over in the forest, will he make sense?

Add your own!

response #6 by GreenJ:

      Why do freepers work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday

----------

What's the difference between Elvis & a smart freeper?
Elvis has been sighted.

---------

How does a freeper commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.

---------

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 freepers

----------

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.

response #9 by seawolf:

      What do you do if a freeper throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth.

response #15 by rknryd:

      I have a question
If a freeper's parents get a divorce...................

Are they still brother and sister?

And an honorable mention to all the other responses on the thread.

The Lounge, January 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6027254

On a thread by donsu:

      'Precocious Puberty' Is on the Rise

response #2 by TahitiNut:

      I think Mary Kay LeTourneau probably noticed this phenomenon.
:popcorn:

response #21 by provis99:

      saw the initial headline, thought this was a story about George Bush
precocious puberty pretty much describes George Bush's state of mental existence for his whole life.

GD, January 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3062983

On a thread by cally:

      LOL...CNN calls this Congress, "Do Nothing Congress!"

response #1 by WCGreen:

      My god, the republicans had cured cancer by this time
in their reign of power...

response #5 by Junkdrawer:

      It's been 2 days and no new Civil Liberties have been revoked...
Get on the BALL people...

GD, January 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3064389

On a thread by FitzmasAgain:

      What if Saddam's body double was hung instead?

response #1 by Bucky:

      Well then he's done a fabulous job and deserves a fat Christmas bonus.
Way to "hang in there," Abdul!

response #2 by ruggerson:

      The REAL Saddam was strapped to that missile that destroyed the Pentagon
You'll notice you've never seen pictures of Saddam at the Pentagon since that time.

There is also hard evidence that Saddam was on the grassy knoll.

response #12 by dogday:

      They told his double, this will be the last time we
will ask you to fill in for Saddam..... :sarcasm:

response #23 by BlooInBloo:

      That shit only works on white folks....
THEY don't think they all look alike.

GD, January 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3064169

OP by Philosoraptor:

      The next phase has everything but a clever name: "Operation _________"
"Operation Surge over Operation Together Forward", "Operation Escalate the Peace",
"Operation Crazy Monkey Shit", "Operation Leave it to the next President", "Operation Clusterfuck", "Operation I do whatever the fuck I want so fuck you".

And you just know they will come up with a childishly simple operational title for the next brilliant war maneuver, and whatever it is, it will make all of the above look intelligent.

response #10 by magellan:

      Operation Depends
For unfortunate little spurts.

response #11 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Operation No One Could Have Predicted
Seems to be their big fallback on clusterf*cks

:grr:

response #23 by soothsayer:

      "Operation Iraqi Freedom--now with 10% more surge!"

response #33 by Crabby Appleton:

      Operation Moonwalk
a la Michael Jackson, feet look like they're going one way, actually going the other.

And an honorable mention to all the other responses on the thread.

GD, January 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3061878

On a thread by CatWoman:

      Give me a reason (or two) to support Joe Biden in 2008

response #18 by VancSouthpaw:

      Give me something easier
like removing my own spleen with a staple puller or something.

response #35 by Telly Savalas:

      If he were elected president, it would free up spots for other people
to occasionally appear on TV on Sunday mornings.

GDP, January 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3045724

On a thread by DeepModem Mom:

      NYT/AP: Four Bush Judicial Nominees Withdraw: Concession to new Democratic Senate majority

response #7 by onehandle:

      Freepers will pee themselves.
Welcome to The United States of San Francisco, bitches.

LBN, January 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2681373

OP by liberal N proud:

      Fundraiser for monument to George W.
Dear Friends:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George Bush could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Member, George W. Bush Monument Committee

ps...The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

response #1 by Ninga:

      I demand to know who gave the $1.35 !!!!

response #6 by BOSSHOG:

      results of a six month long fund raiser at free republic, they broke all their goals

response #7 by aint_no_life_nowhere:

      My dog built a statue of George Bush this morning in the front yard
after seeing Bush on TV. Amazingly, it looks just like him. Now I'm showing my dog photos of Cheney and Condi and telling him to get to work, with the help of triple servings of Alpo. My conservative neighbors are flocking to my front yard, turning it into a holy shrine.

GD, January 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3077087

On a thread by Philosoraptor:

      What do YOU want to hear from the president tonight, cnn asks.

response #1 by oldtime dfl_er:

      "Dick and I are resigning....
....effective immediately, Nancy Pelosi is your new president."

response #6 by yellerpup:

      I just shot the VP...
and you'll never take me alive.

response #7 by Deep13:

      I have come to realize what a sham my life has been and will...
...try to make amends by rubber stamping everything the new Congress does for the next two years.

response #9 by Solly Mack:

      Ever seen the movie "Scanners"?
Just saying....

response #14 by tenaciousradical:

      My Daddy
made a big mistake for messin with my Momma....

response #21 by Tierra_y_Libertad:

      "I'm resignering".

response #30 by spanone:

      I'm rejoining the Guard to finally fulfill my required duties. I have requested a tour in Iraq.

GD, January 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3081651

OP by BushOut06:

      What to do instead of watching * on TV tonight?
Since * will be pre-empting network TV tonight, some of us might need something better to do. Here are a few suggestions, feel free to add your own.

Trim your fingernails
Watch free porn preview clips online
Start that addiction to World of Warcraft you've been putting off for so long
Have sex with your significant other
Renew your Pinko Commie Homo Tree-hugger registration card
Review escape route from US for when * assumes complete control and abolishes Congress
Have sex with your significant other again

This is just a short list, there are many other useful things to do with your time tonight.

response #3 by acmavm:

      "Watch free porn preview clips online"...
I tell you what, I'll have my 14-year old son get on My Space and he can tell you how the movies turned out. He charged up $513.00 worth of porn on my cable bill. He is in soooooooooo much trouble.

He didn't even care if he understood the movie. He ordered one in Spanish.

response #12 by soothsayer:

      lol! Teach him to just look at the free stuff.

response #13 by BushOut06:

      Yup. Just set your media player to 'loop'
Can make those 30-second clips last as long as you need.

response #4 by lilymidnite:

      Practice witchcraft, become a lesbian

response #5 by walldude:

      Root Canal... it'll hurt less. n/t

response #8 by DearAbby:

      Picking cat turds out of the litter box with twizzers
Those disgusting jobs now appear to be much more appealing, no?

response #10 by Neo:

      attend the secret gay agenda meeting
and further plot to take over all the schools and ban all churches.

response #23 by Kurovski:

      Destroy heterosexual marriage.
Thanks for reminding me.

It's so easy to do, I often take my awsome, god-like power for granted.

GD, January 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3084958

OP by Hubert Flottz:

      How many more coalition troops will be joining the American surge?
Don't forget Poland. Will the UN be sending troops and peace keepers? Will Exxon be sending troops?

response #2 by CrazyOrangeCat:

      eleven

response #6 by Hubert Flottz:

      OMG, the bad guys ain't got a chance!
I think Bush needs to turn John McCain and Joe Lieberman loose on Baghdad in their bomber jackets.

response #5 by Tierra_y_Libertad:

      Isn't the Pentagon in contact with Tonga and Andorra for major deployments?
Maybe Estonia could pony up 2 or 3 if bribed sufficiently.

Of course, we can count on all of our allies in the Middle East....

GD, January 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3083934

On a thread by Skinner:

      OFFICIAL BUSH SPEECH THREAD #4

response #78 by Babsbrain:

      Brilliant Strategy Change!
Old Strategy: Imbed Iraqi troops with US troops.

New Strategy: Imbed US troops with Iraqi troops.

response #81 by smb:

      Four-Word Summary
"This Time, For Sure!"
--Bushwinkle J. Moose

GD, January 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3089080

OP by darkstar:

      Not 20,000 nor 25,000. Not some easy 22,500 or a nice round 22,000.
But 21,500. That right there proves a lot of hard work went into this plan which, by the way, will work.

Carry on citizens.

The Lounge, January 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6043866

OP by soupkitchen:

      Sure, bush is like Lincoln, if Lincoln had said
that the Civil war was fought so "That government of 28 percent of the people, by 28 percent of the people, for 28 percent of the people shall not perish from this earth."

response #1 by Vickers:

      "'Bout a hunnerd years ago, these fellers came over here and ..."
"...made up a country *hitches pants* and said we're all gonna be free, see, and all the men-folk *smirky molar grind* are gonna be pretty much the same, heheheh."

GDP, January 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3051484

OP by bklyncowgirl:

      Barney reports from the White House--Bush consults with Congress before last night's speech
This is Barney, the White House Dog reporting from under the desk in the Oval Office.

Look, I know what you're thinking, he's Bush's dog but just between you and me, I can't stand that Son of a Bush. Making it sound like I support his stupid war. Well a dog can't choose his owners but we do have ways of getting even.

The other day Karl Rove lost his cell phone. It's pretty cool. Does video and voice recording and it's so easy you can work it with your nose. I deleted all those pictures of naked men in army uniforms and now I'm ready to rumble. Here come the Congressional leaders now.

Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the House and Senate Minority Leaders.

Bush: Just a minute, I'm working on my cool, determined stare.

Reid: Mr. President. I think...

Bush: Waddya think, Pruneface Red tie or Blue.

Reid: Mr. President I believe that your policy of escalating the war is doomed to failure. We have to start redeploying...."

Bush: (sternly) RED TIE OR BLUE.

Reid: Blue sir.

Bush: I'll wear red.

Boehner: Red is an excellent choice, sir, it makes you look strong and determined.

Bush: (dangerously) Does that mean I wouldn't look strong and determined in blue?

Boehner: (nervously) Of course not, Sir, you're the DECIDER, whatever you wear you will look stub... er I mean stupendous.

Bush: Heh heh, thanks there Brownnoser. You had me going there for a minute.

Boehner: Thank YOU Sir.

Bush: Thank you Gentlemen, gotta run.

Pelosi: Mr. President

Bush: Sorry there, Teacher Lady, didn't see ya. Like that thing you did banning smoking in the Speaker's Lounge. Got old Brownnoser's panties in a twist. Heh Heh.

Pelosi: Mr. President. I strongly urge you to start talking to Iran and Syria....

Bush: Right, we'll talk to 'em. Heh Heh.

Pelosi: SIR...

Bush: Gotta go. Condi's waitin' for me in the gym.

This is Barney the White House Dog signing off from the Oval Office. Now how can I get Keith Olbermann's e-mail address.

response #1 by Cobalt-60:

      If Chimpy doesn't feed him to the Chinese
We'll grant him the canine medal of freedom for this.

GD, January 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3093156

On a thread by Blackhatjack:

      Why Did Bush Allow No Photos After His Speech? What Was He Hiding?

response #17 by global1:

      He Didn't Want Anyone To See That He Had His Pajama Bottoms On....nt.

GD, January 12, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3104837

On a thread by spanone:

      Was Robt. Gates LYING when he signed the ISG report, or is he LYING now?

response #1 by Tierra_y_Libertad:

      Lacky. Lap-dog. Ass-kissing opportunist. Shill. Yes man.
Oh, wait...I was thinking of Lieberman. Still, he seems to be earning his dog-biscuits.

response #2 by Jacobin:

      He love you long time
tweny dolla

GD, January 12, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3106643

On a thread by Benhurst:

      Is it just my imagination or is Tony Blair starting to look like Bush?

response #1 by IDemo:

      They say pet owners and their lapdogs often resemble each other

GD, January 12, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3106415

[Philosoraptor]

1. JeffR you're out standing in your own field.

[wakeme2008]

2. A kick and nom from boring me

:rofl:

[sakabatou]

3. .

[sakabatou]

4. LMAO

[graywarrior]

5. You are my idol

[JeffR]

20. You gotta get out more, graywarrior

;-)

[graywarrior]

28. Ha ha ha

[underpants]

6. Great work

but come on Flottz gets mentioned and I don't ????

[Hubert Flottz]

15. I'm working hard at winning the coveted DU Maytag medal!

Agitator of the year award.

But the DUzy award is a great honor...I'm getting all moist!

Edit...I couldn't spell my award, but that don't mean I'm not very pleased.

[JeffR]

19. Please! No moisture in this thread.

We're going for the family values audience.

[JeffR]

18. Results have been certified by our auditors:

Diebold, Diebold, Pierce, Fenner, Smith, Emerson, Lake & Palmer. You'll have to take your grievances to them, I'm afraid.

[Nimrod2005]

7. Excellent, thank you......nt

[jgraz]

8. haha -- DUzy'd for a nutkick joke

My mother would be so proud.

[JeffR]

21. Best one of the week, IMO

:toast:

[blm]

23. hey, you deserve it - I laughed my ass off at that one.

.

[quiet.american]

9. Good stuff!! n/t

[proud patriot]

10. LOL

Good ones

[northofdenali]

11. K&R -

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Bookmarked the freeper jokes.

[tandot]

12. K & R.

HILARIOUS! Thanks!!!

[NanceGreggs]

13. Having been away from DU for a week ...

... this is especially delicious!!!

Although almost impossible to pick a favourite, THIS one is an all-time classic:

"Give me a reason (or two) to support Joe Biden in 2008."

"If he were elected president, it would free up spots for other people
to occasionally appear on TV on Sunday mornings."

:rofl: THANKS Telly Savalas!

[yellerpup]

14. What great fun!

This is a very entertaining compilation. Feels good to laugh over and over. Thanks. Kicked. :kick:

[Blue_In_AK]

16. JeffR, you continue to rock. :-)

[JeffR]

24. Thanks

I do, in a middle-aged, mid-tempo kind of way...

[Hubert Flottz]

17. JeffR I'm going to nominate your picture at the bottom of the OP

for the DUzy. ROTF...And BTW, thank you.

[JeffR]

22. And thank you!

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

25. Outstanding Jeff, outstanding.

Can we count on this every week??? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[JeffR]

26. Indeed you can

:thumbsup:

[ariellyn]

27. *Nice* (think Borat) n/t

[LeftishBrit]

29. Those are great!

I especially liked:

On a thread by Benhurst:

Is it just my imagination or is Tony Blair starting to look like Bush?

response #1 by IDemo:

They say pet owners and their lapdogs often resemble each other

[EstimatedProphet]

30. Oh, thank you! I really wasn't expecting this!

I want to thank all the little people that made this possible! Without their efforts I wouldn't be where I am today!

[JeffR]

31. We like you! We really like you!

:rofl:

[Pithlet]

32. I remember you when...

We were both mods in the hot tub back then. Those were the days, eh? Wild bunch we all were :)

[EstimatedProphet]

34. Yeah, those were some racy times...

[nini]

33. This is great - thanks for the laughs

:thumbsup:

[Just-plain-Kathy]

35. This was great, thanks!

:rofl:

[Lugnut]

36. Congrats to the winners!

Thanks Jeff. :applause:

[mzmolly]

37. Great, once again. My personal favorite:

Sure, bush is like Lincoln, if Lincoln had said that the Civil war was fought so "That government of 28 percent of the people, by 28 percent of the people, for 28 percent of the people shall not perish from this earth."

:rofl:

[JeffR]

38. kick 4 the nocturnal set & the west coast

cheers!

[JeffR]

39. morning kick

:kick:

[annabanana]

40. kick!!. . . . . n/t

[dogday]

41. And my Mother said my sarcasm would get me in trouble

Thanks JeffR for all that you do.. This is a great idea.. I find myself looking forward to reading it on Fridays :hi:

[JeffR]

43. Thanks, dogday

Your quip was priceless.:hi:

[Robbien]

44. Your nut sack kick routine had me in stitches

Perfect.

[newyawker99]

42. x

[Solly Mack]

45. I DUzy'd

:)

[mdmc]

46. thanks Jeff

Love It!

[Buzz Clik]

47. Thanks, JeffR.

I can die now.

Errrr. No I can't. It's my turn to fix dinner.

Shit.