My husband had a meds change that went south and he decided to leave me.

[EFerrari]

It's true. Just about two weeks after his meds were tweaked, he decided I was a bad person. He told me that I was a control freak and an anti - Semite (:wtf:) and not his wife but only his roommate and not his family but only his caretaker.

And because he was scared, he took all the money and of course, that means, he left me with all the bills. And he left me with 7 cats and our dying Lab who adored him. It was pretty horrible.

And I guess I needed to post this, I hope, not so much to get "awe, Beth" from you all but to mark how fragile some people really are despite their best efforts. To mark how tech doesn't really solve everything, to mark that our mental health is a process much more than it is a decision. To point out, our families really work hard and we need all the understanding and support we can get.

We are your teachers and your entertainers and your nurse practitioners and your printers. We are seniors and vets and we may not be very vocal but, we're here.

This post is to mark, that even if you and your whole family knows the situation and does its utmost to take care of it, things can still go drastically wrong and the community at large just doesn't seem to notice.

My soon to be ex, my oldest friend, will be fine, somehow. I'm not sure how. I'm cool although this has been painful for me and scary, too, because I have no idea how he is. I guess I'm trying to trust that there are enough adults around him to put arms around this. And, I can't be passive. I have to make calls that are uncomfy and to find out what is what. That's the job.

Families dealing with mental illness are tired, cranky, reactive and usually strapped. Oh, and many of us are are on the edge if not homeless because the illness broke our piggy bank. But, we're also by necessity, creative, thoughtful, patient and loyal.


As the rock song goes, for what it's worth.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[Sanity Claws]

1. I am so sorry

This sounds so painful. I don't know what to do but offer you a hug.:hug:

[EFerrari]

7. Thank you so much.

:)

[NMDemDist2]

2. my mother was/is mentally ill

made for an interesting childhood :crazy:

:hug:

[EFerrari]

11. And, we're still here, AZDemDist6

:toast:

:hug:

[mzmolly]

303. I can relate.

My "Momma" is a bipolar/paranoid schizo combo. Quite fun lemme tell ya. :hi: Thank the gods for lithium. ;)

[fleabert]

423. except for the kidney failure part...

:-( My mom is being pulled off of her miracle drug due to kidney issues. Damn side effects that make the con side of the list one too long. She has yet to find a replacement drug that works nearly as well as lithium. I say fuck the kidney, take one of mine and start over again, she won't do it.

[mzmolly]

428. Oh that's awful.

I'm so sorry. My mom has had issues with weight gain and such, but so far the kidneys are ok? She did become a diabetic however, and there is a link to the meds.

Lithium is really an amazing drug for bipolar, though I know that some are looking to CBT as an alternative/compliment to medications?

Best wishes.

[AnnieBW]

3. OMG!

I can sympathize with you. I also am married to someone on psych meds who has mood swings. Fortunately, he'd never leave me - at least not that I know of. I hope that you can get in touch with your husband's doctor SOON, so that s/he can get this problem straightened out.

[EFerrari]

Annie, I am in touch with the doctor. He's a great doctor -- unlike

99% if the people we've dealt with.

It's a good thing to have a professional that you can trust. :)

[Lorien]

305. Has the doctor ever suggested this? :

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=276&topic_id=1649&mesg_id=1649

I've been using it for well over a year now and it's significantly cut my depression symptoms. It doesn't do much for "circumstantial" depression, only clinical depression and bi-polar disorder. The success rates are higher with this device than with Prozac, but physicians are often not allowed to prescribe it due to rules imposed by their group practice. The device doesn't provide continued revenue for the practice, unlike prescription meds. Or so I was told by my GP.

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. :hug:

[EFerrari]

307. Not that I know of but he's such a great doc, I wouldn't be surprised

if he has talked about it with some of his clients. He's an indy and I'd go on teevee for him. :)

[Nickster]

4. So sorry to hear about your struggle. You have my sympathies. n/t

[Solly Mack]

5. ((((((sfexpat2000))))))

and lots of them

[illinoisprogressive]

6. This is terrible. I wonder where he got this idea...

I don't know you but, I am so sorry for you.
If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to send me a personal message. I will be happy to hold your hand and let you cry.
It is so shocking the way the people you think you know best turn around and so something horrible like this.

Your family here at DU are here for you.

[EFerrari]

20. Mental Illness can be that way. My theory (I'm no pro) is that the

change in meds disinhibited some anti-social behavior that is normally held in check.

My deal is, many of us are vulnerable to mental illness and the delivery system for the wonderful technology we have is pretty much not happening. :(

[KoKo]

41. ((((vibes and hugs))) there's so much these days that can "tip folks"

and with the added stress of some mental illness the fatigue of it all can be too much. Change in meds or just what's going on out there in combination...who knows.

:hug: and :grouphug: for you, the 7 kitties and the dying lab...who needs the last days of love.

So much bad stuff and angst out there over what was supposed to be "holidays" and the rest.

Hang in...

[EFerrari]

56. I'm not going anywhere. Except to DC later this month.

:hug:

:toast:

[tavalon]

231. Fuckin' A!

The "delivery system" of mental health care has been the second hardest thing to deal with. She has a highly incompetent doctor who has made things infinitely harder.

[EFerrari]

235. Fire her @ss!. I kept a diary when we lived in Los Angeles.

When I informed the head of the Edelman Clinic that I was publishing a book based on my journal, he went pale and tried to do better. But, he really couldn't do better. That place is dangerous and people are going to get hurt or worse. :(

I finally got Doug out of the public system down there and begged the money to see a competent doctor. That produced the longest period of stability he'd ever had in his adult life.

[tavalon]

247. He's her doctor

I can't fire him. As an example of his uselessness, she allowed me to come to one of her meetings with him and gave us carte blanch to talk about her situation. I had already figured out that she had another diagnosis (in addition) of borderline and I mentioned my suspicion to him and he said that he had already figured that out but that "there is no reason to dwell on that" and dismissed my concerns. And he just kept adding meds to her cocktail as she got crazier and crazier.

One good thing is that if she does move back up here, she'll need another doctor. Maybe this one won't be a dangerous moron.

[EFerrari]

248. Ah, I see now. He does sound like a dangerous moron.

There are really good docs out there. I hope your family finds one that is careful in prescribing and titrating. God, it's like wrestling with an alligator with one arm. :mad:

[tavalon]

249. Yep, I was going to say that the stories I could tell would amaze

and infuriating you but actually, more likely, they just wouldn't surprise you. There is no system at all when it comes to mental health.

[hunter]

294. It's worse than "no system at all," it's almost like racism.

This society actively resists dealing with mental health issues, and discriminates against those who suffer them.

[EFerrari]

313. Yes and place their families in social ghettos. That's exactly right.

Hey, let's do something about that. :)

[liberalhistorian]

415. No kidding!

That's the understatement of the year. Bad doctors tend to become psychiatrists, largely because they think the job is just sitting behind a desk prescribing more and more meds all day and not really actually DOING anything. And the few good, caring psychiatrists are unbelievably overwhelmed and burn out quickly.

I'm so sorry, sfexpat, this has to be so hard to go through. But, as you've recognized, there's only so much you can do for those you love before they have to start helping themselves as well. I hope you are able to go on with your life and find peace and strength in doing so. Mental illness often wreaks havoc on families and couples, and the lingering social stigma, which seemingly refuses to accept that most mental illnesses are biological and NOT a "character flaw" or weakness, certainly doesn't help.

I had several psychiatrists once my familial clinical depression was finally diagnosed, and they were all just prescription-pushers who saw you for five minutes every six months, then patted you on the head and sent you on your way with a new or renewed prescription. To me, something still just wasn't right all that time, even though I was fully aware of my family's history of depression, especially among the women (my grandmother, in particular, suffered terribly with it). But moodiness was also a part of their depression, and moodiness was a major, major part of my own personality. It took moving to a new city in another state, and finding an actually decent, caring, and COMPETENT psychiatrist before I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and not just depression.

The difference the resulting change of medication with such a diagnosis has made is truly remarkable! And the doctor actually penciled in an entire half hour for me and all of his patients, and really talked to all of us. He had come to South Dakota from Alabama twenty years ago to work in the Indian Health Service on a reservation, so he really was very caring.

HOWEVER, and very unfortunately, he died suddenly of a massive heart attack on Dec. 5, while vacationing in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. SIGH. And now, since I'm currently uninsured, I have to try to find a psychiatrist who will accept uninsured patients, which will be damn near impossible around here. I can't afford my medicine any longer, and the public mental health services here are almost non-existent. Fortunately, I have a strong support system, which is keeping me stable for the moment. But his death was a real blow and a shock, and I know that some of his more unstable patients are really suffering.

RIP, Dr. John Fox. You will certainly be missed!

[EFerrari]

417. Don't let it go, liberalhistorian. Beg, borrow or steal what you need

to be seen by a doctor. Don't let it slide. If there's something I can do to help you find resources, pm me.

This life is too precious and so short.

:hug:

[bobbolink]

291. I will hope to still see that book!!! ALL of this needs to be understood

by the citizenry!!

Did you ever see the movie "The Doctor"? I just rewatched it, and it speaks to me. What is needed is for the damned doctors themselves to go through their own "treatment", and see just how sane they are after that!!!

REALLY!! That's what I most want to see. A "Boxing Day" for mental patients... let them, for a day, week, month, be the "Doctor", and for the "professionals" :puke: to be the patient, and watch changes get made FAST.

Can we do this? :rofl:

[EFerrari]

312. I'm a trained method actress and I have a camera!

:rofl:

[jennygirl]

408. I am a psychologist with biploar

bobbolink,

I totally agree,for even as practicing psychotherapist and counselor, it took 10 years and over 50 different medications and 10 diagnoses for me to be finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And I had the most problems with psychiatrists and instead just privately paid for my own psychotherapist until he referred to one he worked with. It was then that I discovered the others had prescribed medication that exacerbated my symptoms making me more unstable.

Unfortunately, you are right about how our society treat mental illness. I am also a writer on mental health issue and I am a columnist for my local newspaper on this topic. But I have found that none of the major magazines want to touch the subject of mental illenss--I've queried
Redbook, O (Oprah's magazine), Glamour, Woman's World, Counterpunch, Alternet and several others -- only to receive rejections or no response at all. Still, I run a bipolar group and keep public awareness on these timely ignored disorders.

[EFerrari]

411. Welcome to DU, jennygirl and thank you for your work in our community.

:applause:

:hug:

[fleabert]

422. try Bust, if you haven't yet.

Great mag- and the editor is fantastic. :hug: to you for your work, professionally and privately. My mom struggles with her bipolar as well. It's really hard for me, but I know it's millions of times harder for her to deal with it.

[John Gauger]

211. I find that to be a touching display

of love and compassion. I simply couldn't let this act go unremarked. You are truly a model for the rest of us. I feel uplifted to know that such people as you are out there doing good works. I must commend you.

Love and Peace.

[dsc]

8. That is so sad

I hope you are OK. Mental illness can be such a total mess.

[undeterred]

9. I'm sorry.

I've heard of this happening when someone changes meds for a mood disorder. People don't realize how hard it is on the friends and family.

Hold on, you will get through it. :hug:

[ocean girl]

10. Wow, you are one strong woman

I've had similar experience in my life with a loved one, and I can appreciate what you're going through.

Unfortunately, the sick person is usually incapable of realizing the destruction they have left in their wake - they're just trying to survive (or not).

You just did the most powerful thing - you shared your pain in a non-victim manner and I send you my condolences and my admiration for your courage.

May your new path be more peaceful!

[EFerrari]

119. Right on, ocean girl. We deal in life, not in recrimination.

That's what we're here for. And, what a relief that is. :)

[niyad]

12. I can't offer anything but a hug, but know you have that.

[Horse with no Name]

13. awwwww

I am so sorry.:hug:
I don't know what else to say, except that you have been a remarkably strong woman through all of this.
I just hope that you know that the man that you married doesn't believe a word that the man that left you said.
My wish for you is peace.:hug:

[EFerrari]

94. Peace is a good idea.

:evilgrin:

:hug:

[Liberty Belle]

14. I hope you speak with his doctor about this.

He might not tell the doctor, but the physician should be aware that the medications may be causing this sort of bizarre thoughts and actions.

I am very sorry. I've had a family member go through this, and know how getting the proper medications makes all the difference.

There are also now some doctors having success treating mental illnesses with nutritional therapies instead of medication, as it turns out there's a strong link between things like depression and key dietary deficiencies or excesses.

[John Gauger]

215. I find it amazing that

people for centuries have believed that the diet is the key to proper behavior (the Romans the Greeks, medieval quacks (experts in the humors and vapors,) 19th century American dieticians, and the like, are actually being vindicated by modern science. Or at least their theory is accepted, if not their exact practices. Many other things can also cause depression, such as heavy metal poisoning, deficiency of omega-3, amino acids, vitamins b or c, or from taking antibiotics. There is a bacterium in the intestines that eat a yeast. When the bacteria are killed by the antibiotic, the yeast runs amok and causes depression.

[Nite Owl]

15. I'm so sorry this is happening to

you, to both of you. I hope somehow things will work out and you both will be well.


:hug:

[Joe for Clark]

16. I am so sorry to hear this.

[mike_c]

17. I went through a similar experience-- to the extent that any...

...of our experiences are ever really similar-- with my ex. It's pretty awful watching someone go through those changes. I'm so sorry, Beth. I wish there was something to say that would make it better. In my case, I ultimately broke it off for my own health and well-being, although that comes with a butt-load of guilt. Still, there is only so much you can do to support someone's personal implosion.

Hugs and best wishes. This too shall pass. :hug:

[EFerrari]

28. There was a moment when I could have courted him back.

But I decided not to do that. I decided instead to make a safety zone (my home) and to be available in other ways. Oh, and, I did that while uncoupling from him which just about killed me. The beach is just a block away.

When you love someone, it really does hurt when you are away from them. Isn't that something. I thought that was a metaphor but it's true.

The weird thing for me was how the community took his reports and chalked them up to a "he said, she said" deal when it's public info that he's dealing with seriously difficult DNA. Mental illness is the last house on the block.


Thanks, Mike. :)

[MADem]

103. Hey, your life is important, too. Don't feel guilty.

And no matter what, even if you get to a point where you can live together again, do NOT remarry. Keep finances separate, keep that distance. You can be supportive without being drained dry.

I say take care of yourself for now, do something good for YOU. You certainly deserve it.

[John Q. Citizen]

224. It's an education, isn't it? The "system" doesn't look at the facts in a case, it

assumes all cases are equal. Family law an industrial process, not a human process.

I went through a simular education in my divorce. My kids mom was seriously over the edge, it was documented repeatedly. I was caring 24/7 for the kids, and yet almost every professional I dealt with wanted to treat the situation as "he said, she said."

Things are much better now. My kids mom is doing much better.

But the process generally made things much worse at the time of crisis, not better.

Hang tough. I know you will!

[EFerrari]

236. That "even handedness" can be very destructive, even dangerous.

I'm glad she's better, John Q. I hope you and yours get some peace this year. :hug:

[vote 4 democracy]

295. You're so right!!!

My husband is narcissistic and borderline. Meds have a very dramatic impact on his behavior and we're still trying to work through all of the issues after 13 years and 4 kids. His narcissism compels him to act like a good guy in public so people have an incredibly difficult time understanding what's so hard for me but life with him has mostly been an extreme rollercoaster ride. Even the people in the community who know about his diagnosis really have a hard time understanding it at all. Its very draining and difficult for those of us in the home who have to live with it day in and day out. Right now he is stabilized so I'm thankful for that but last year there were two affairs and unbelievable turmoil for the kids. Its exhausting. When he's been out of the house its been a blessing in disguise because there was time to take care of myself too . . . but I know how frustrating it is to watch someone you care about become someone else . . . and once they're that other person they don't understand the need to fix the meds or sometimes even to take them at all. I wish you the best. When you're with someone like that things are so wildly out of control that I know, I at least, do everything I can to create stability and predictability (though I used to love spontaneity) . . . and my husband called me controlling too. I hope you recognized that there's no truth in that. You need your boundaries, you need stability . . . its normal. Its just his way of shifting blame (which he can't handle) for his bad behaviors away from himself.

[EFerrari]

311. Welcome to DU, vote 4 democracy.

I have a little essay that I wrote some years ago about Borderline families. It's in the Mental Health forum somewhere. If you want, I'll dig it up for you.

I was a big fan of spontaneity myself. :hi:

[vote 4 democracy]

363. Thanks!! That would be great!!!

And thank you for the welcome!!

[EFerrari]

370. It's in this thread and you are so very welcome. :-)

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=276x1036

[vote 4 democracy]

381. Thank you. That was really powerful.

Its amazing/discouraging how few people in mental health really know how to deal with this. Meds are an issue. Therapy and support for yourself and the family member are a real challenge. It took 12 years to get this diagnosed accurately but even then his therapist's issues are being countertransferred far too much . . . .and we're still working through meds, etc.. You are a very strong person. No question. You have a lot more serenity about this than I do. I'm glad you found a good support network. You mentioned you were (for a while) in LA? Can I ask where? We are in Long Beach. Were you able to find much support in LA?

[EFerrari]

384. Los Angeles is a disaster for our families. If you want to, pm me

and I'll do my best to give you the resources I know of.

:hug:

[ray of light]

18. hey---hugs to you!!!

I'm so sorry. And you're right about the strains of depression eating up relationships and stealing money from the poor.

It's why we need national health care.

But I think the name 'mental illness' implies something evil when it's no different from high cholesteral or anemia. We need to make sure people know it's not any different or any reason to judge them.

[mmonk]

19. Sorry, I know its tough.

My best wishes for you.

[EFerrari]

59. Thanks, mmonk. My thought is trying to be for all us DUers that deal

with mental illness every day.

Let's see how we do. :)

[stonecoldsober]

21. I'm very sorry

I can relate in some ways...

[redwitch]

22. that is heartbreaking, I am so sorry.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

106. It will be okay, my dear redwitch.

We will make it okay. I am concerned for our families who are every day turned away fron getting the smidge of care they need to make life possible.

[tularetom]

23. You're a very strong and real human being

to see this for what it is and not take it as a personal rejection. Best of luck with those critters from a fellow animal lover (2 horses, 3 dogs, 5 cats).

[EFerrari]

I don't think we have enough animals, Tom.

:)

[SharonRB]

24. I'm so sorry, sfexpat

:hug:

It's so strange here on DU -- sometimes we all feel like family and that we know each other, yet often we know absolutely nothing about each other's lives and it's so sad when we find out about a fellow DUer having problems.

I know this must be a very difficult time for you, and I hope everything works out once you get through it.

[EFerrari]

380. DU is a very special place.

Thank you, Sharon. :hug:

[SharonRB]

432. It certainly is

And you're welcome!

[wakeme2008]

25. hope all works out

:hug:

[atommom]

26. Oh, no. I hope he gets back on the correct meds.

The human mind is so complex, and sometimes so delicate. Hang in there. We're all hoping for a good resolution for you. :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

27. Coming at this both professionally and personally, I can truthfully

and emphatically state that mental illness is the cruelest of all. There is sometimes no way a damaged brain can be repaired.

I'm so sorry, Beth. If I can help you in any way, PM me.

:grouphug:

[EFerrari]

32. My dear MidLo, this has been very hard. But I put it up because

you know and I know how many of us deal with it.

It will work out, somehow. But, we need to attend to this. We need not to leave it to other people.

I sure miss Doug but more, I sure hope that where he lands is a good place. And I have no confidence in that. It's hard to see one of your family members out there.

Life is life. Or as my niece says, life is not perfect.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[Disturbed]

39. I hope some of our fellow DUers can help.

You are brave for posting this. Best to you.

[EFerrari]

79. What would happen if we told the truth of our lives?

:)

:grouphug:

[w8liftinglady]

29. sfexpat..I'm right where you are

...and I totally understand.My ex dropped off the face of the earth...left me and the boys not knowing where or what happened to him(he was arrested).It is hard,but it helps to know there are kindred spirits out there.PM me if things get too bad for you...I've got your back.
:hug:
Beth

[EFerrari]

36. Okay.

Ditto and double ditto

:hug:

[me b zola]

30. ...

:hug:

[EFerrari]

418. Thank you.

:hug:

[spacelady]

31. Your oldest dearest friend has stepped into a place that is

unfathomable, yet you understand what happened & most probably why. This sounds so difficult. Any illness changes the dynamics of a relationship, my husband is going through cancer treatment & all the empathy in the world does not equal their experience. Illness of the mind is not so concrete, does not lend itself to pat answers - I feel for you & am sending my best healing thoughts to you.:hug:

[EFerrari]

38. Back at you, spacelady. You keep us posted. All best to you and yours.

:hug:

[papau]

33. I'm so sorry for you both. It sounds like the new depression(?) pills did not take

hugs and wishes and prayer and all the good vibes I can muster are sent your way.

:grouphug:

:hug:

[Warren Stupidity]

34. You hang in there sfexpat2000. We are your extended family.

And your soon to be ex should have a long talk with his doctor about his recent behavioral changes.

[EFerrari]

40. You know, it won't happen. As long as there is no police contact,

the doc won't even blink.

But, that's okay. This will work out. We've worked so long and so hard, hard as it feels right now, it will work out.

Thank you.

[Patchuli]

35. You are very calm and wise about this,

and incredibly strong. I know you will fine, I pray that your old friend will be properly treated and there will be resolution between you for the best.

Love the cat addiction, by the way. :loveya:

[EFerrari]

46. Give me the cats, man.

:rofl:

[Patchuli]

102. Cats always love us

and always keep us laughing while annoying the f out of us. They serve a purpose to keep us grounded. I haven't lacked feline company since I moved out from home 32 years ago. As a matter of fact, I've had cats outlast a husband and a beau or two! My most beloved tuxedo boy had to have a tumor removed in early December which thankfully turned out to be just a fatty tumor. It cost about $700. My friend said "You are too good. I wouldn't have spent the money." She has two Jack Russells and no cats . She doesn't understand the hold a cat can have on a person.

By the way, how long ago did you leave SF?

[EFerrari]

266. We were in HelLA for about three years but are back now.

Thank goodness! lol

[villager]

37. hang in there! My Ex didn't go on meds 'til *after* she left our family

after all the damage had been done, the lies told, the divorce inevitable.

If she'd done it sooner, maybe we'd still be married, I dunno.

But hang in there, be well, and let us know how it's going...

[EFerrari]

44. villager, sometimes we don't get a moment of clarity until

we've wrecked everything. :hug:

My best to you, your patience and to today. :toast:

[Cleita]

42. So sorry that this has happened to you.

:grouphug:

I hope things get better for you soon. :hug:

[EFerrari]

50. You know, Cleita, pain means you're alive.

I'm okay and appreciate your support.

Every day, I walk my new little puppy, who is not my Buddy, to the ocean and try to just take in the beauty of the water, the birds. A little better every day.

But the main thing is, our families are struggling, with all our might. We could use a hand here. :)

[Canuckistanian]

43. Jesus H. Christ, that sucks

You think you know a person and then he/she leaves when you KNOW they're not sane/balanced/centered.

It's hard to trust anything after that, somehow.

Loyalty, sure, that's hard.

But what do you do when the object of that loyalty disappears beneath you?

I feel for you.
:grouphug:

[bobbolink]

45. .

:cry:

:hug:

:loveya:

[EFerrari]

53. "Life is life, life is not perfectt". -- Rachel, 5

:hug:

[Jersey Devil]

406. Well, your response tells me a lot about you

You must be very patient and kind hearted. I wish you the best and hope that things work out for you.

[EFerrari]

412. Thank you, Jersey Devil. It will work out. Having support of the community

makes all this infinitely more manageable.

I can't tell you how much it helps.

[lonestarnot]

47. Damn sfexpat2000. I'm sorry to hear it. I hate meds. I swear there

is a conspiracy to destroy people that are weak by the pharmaceutical companies. Every other advertisement on the boober is for more meds and if you don't need that one they'll dream up something that could be wrong with you to sell you that one. :hug: hang in there. This too shall pass.

[EFerrari]

65. I could use a little somethng right now.

:rofl:

[lonestarnot]

84. Oh man, don't collude with the enemy.

:rofl:

[bobbolink]

288. To you, sfxpat

:toast:

OK, that doesn't suffice, but....

:pals:

[EFerrari]

314. Thank you, bobbolink and back at you.

:toast:

:pals:

[bobbolink]

287. I totally concur, and could give you "proof" about that.

However, I don't want to derail sfxpat's very important thread.

I hope you will bring this up again, because it needs to be discussed.

:mad:

[DemReadingDU]

48. So sorry to hear this

In a way, I can relate with my daughter. She's 30 now, but she's had major depression throughout her adult life. When she's down, she takes her meds, then gets better, stops her meds. Vicious cycle. It's so difficult to talk to her, her mind is so fragile, anything might set her off. I'm more at peace now, this is her problem to deal with. But being mom, I'm always here, when she gets down, again. Take care, and in a way, it's nice he left the furry pets for you. :hug:

[EFerrari]

416. It's so very difficult to keep supporting someone who sometimes

has no awareness of their own situation.

I have the utmost respect for you and for your efforts, DemReadingDU. And I hope you'll post in the mental health forum if you should ever need some support for yourself.

Hey -- staff should have equal access, right?

:hug:

[mod mom]

49. :(

I am so sorry to hear this, Beth. I know from your writing and perseverence that you are a strong woman. I hope that knowing you have many friends at a touch of a keyboard will help you through this difficult time. Peace, my friend.

[EFerrari]

90. It will be okay. If this is happening to us, it's happening to many.

We keep on, dear mod mom.

[WiseButAngrySara]

51. So sorry! Could you tell me what his meds were? You can

PM me if you don't want to post it.

[EST]

52. Your clarity and penetrating insight has often impressed and

left me nearly speechless. This appears to be another of those times.

What a wonder you are-I have no doubt your powerful approach to life and silky smooth understanding will serve you well yet again and aid you in this crisis.

We all salute you.

[EFerrari]

55. I remember from a Pound canto

"All will be well and all manner of thing will be well."

Which clearly leaves me off the hook. :)

[bleever]

66. You'll be good.

Still.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

96. . . .

:hug:

[porphyrian]

54. Well, you know where we are...

;)

[Gormy Cuss]

57. sfextpat, not too many words for you.

I've been reading your posts on this topic for a while and my heart breaks for you and Doug. :hug:

[EFerrari]

64. It will be okay. But, but, we need to get better support systems in

we need to know what we're looking at.

Some of Doug's friends take this as a break up of a romantic relationship.

And I wonder, will they take him in when his roommate gets irritated? He's not a kid. Where do aging, mentally ill, talented people go?

I guess I need to do a lot more work on this, because people are not getting it.

Some of us need support because we have mental health issues. That doesn't make us freaks and it doesn't make our families natural targets. :(

[bobbolink]

289. This damned society needs more support systems in *ALL* issues!

Our "rugged individualism" is killing us, literally.

What "more work" do you need to do?

Seems like it's time for you to have a well-deserved R&R, and let others do "more work"!

People aren't getting A LOT OF THINGS. :banghead: I've never used that emoticon before, but it is the only thing that fits here.

HOW to get people to listen... with their hearts????

Anyway, you are one incredible person, as all the testimony here proves.

:hug:

[sammythecat]

58. I understand your point and

it is well taken. Believe me.

I also realize you weren't seeking sympathy, but I can't help but feel very sympathetic to your plight.

I would feel the same no matter what the circumstances, but it just so happens your story is eerily similar to my own right down to the seven cats and an old dog. It's 8 + 1 for me.

My thoughts are with you.

[EFerrari]

221. Hi there, sammy. My dog and two of the cats that were very bonded

to my husband kept looking at me as if to ask, "what the heck is going ON around here?"

That was one of the hardest parts. They're better now. They were really anxious for a while. :(

:hug:

[stubtoe]

60. Hugs and support.

:)

-s

[fooj]

61. "to mark just how fragile some people are despite their best efforts."

Sharing your experience may make a difference to many who feel alone. Pure humanity at it's finest. Thanks for that.



May we all find peace.

[EFerrari]

69. May we all find peace.

:hug:

[salin]

62. (((sfexpat)))

:hug:

[EFerrari]

113. Thank you. This has been very painful.

:hug:

[NanceGreggs]

63. No matter what else happens in this world ...

... remember that you are never alone. We are all here with you.

[EFerrari]

70. Good idea.

:hug:

[NanceGreggs]

76. As the song so wisely says ...

... "We won't let go, until you're safe and sound."

:hug:

[Sugar Smack]

82. Oh my God, that is so true!

:hug: :cry: :hug: So, so true.

[sojourner]

67. damn. and i was feeling sad that my year-old russel terrier went awol.

he's damn cute so somebody will likely take him in. he is adventurous and loves to check out the neighborhood. i feel bad tonight, but i have to say, sister, that hearing what you're going through sure puts things into perspective.

you've done a lot through your time here to teach about mental illness. hope somebody hears something tonight that will make a difference in their own lives. even if it just stirs their compassion for the mentally ill and their families.

god bless...............

[EFerrari]

77. How long has he been gone? Oh, no.

Do you live in a place where you can put up flyers? I'm so, so sorry.

((((((sojouner))))))


I still owe you a book. I still have the info and will get on it. You will get a good chuckle, reading the tone and knowing the outcome. That's okay. We do what we can.

[sojourner]

127. yes...i'll put up flyers in am. check the shelter. all the usual,

plus i've called my animal communicator friend. she's found lots of lost "babies". i'm hoping she'll have a clue 'bout Jack.

in the meantime........

(((((((((( beth )))))))))) .......... wow! look at how those ripples of love spread out to the corners of the universe. amazing!

[midnight]

68. sfexpat2000 here is a hug for you. I wish I could understand the

medical community, but I can't. I'm fighting my own battle for medical care that is being denied. It does seem to break the piggy bank though. I'm glad to hear that your can interact with a doctor who cares. Take care.

[EFerrari]

326. It's completely dysfunctional and after all these years of Republican control

has gotten really horrendous NOW. Clinicians do the work of three people AND they are losing support staff every day. Insurance companies -- well, you know.

Good luck, midnight. I hope you get what you need and I hope our Dem Congress restores the care we have lost.

[Hekate]

71. Damn I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks for reaching out

:grouphug:

Prayers and best wishes for your situation. :hug:

Hekate

[AtomicKitten]

72. I'm very sorry for all you are going through.

Hey, I'm in SF too. Please let me know (PM) if there is anything I can do. Anything. Seriously.

[faithnotgreed]

73. sending healing & loving thoughts to you and yours

incl your animal companions and your oldest friend

from the little you have said it sounds like you are surviving in some of the same ways you did before this traumatic turn happened
you have quite an amazing spirit and heart - i trust that you have someone(s) that you talk to about all that is going on in your life
even very strong people - like you - need a loving shoulder sometimes

your post strikes a chord for me - my dream is to live on an animal sanctuary so i have an especially tender spot for animals while living in the city keeps the dire needs of people squarely in my sights as well

i am sorry for what each of you are enduring
please do let us know how you and your little ones are

[EFerrari]

319. The animals do so much more for us than we could ever do for them.

When my girl died, I lasted about a week and just couldn't stand this place with no yellow dog. It felt a little crazy to get a puppy when I could still barely force myself to bathe and change my clothes. But, I'll tell you, this little hellion has been so good for me. And she makes people smile every day.

That's pretty cool I think. :)

[faithnotgreed]

387. very cool i agree. im really glad you rescued that little one

and as we know they rescue us all the time~

thank you for sharing that beth
i sure am thinking of you

[SeattleGirl]

74. Whoa, Beth. That's so sad.

Not only for you, but for your husband, and all who care about him.

I understand very well how those with mental health problems (and you who care for them) can be overlooked. Unfortunately, mental health problems are still greatly stigmatized in this society. People are uncomfortable about them (mostly because they don't understand them), and thus are uncomfortable with those who suffer from them.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope things will work out for you, and that your husband will be eventually be okay.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

101. It will be okay. We need to be aware of these situations.

Because there are so, so many families trying to deal with them.

:hug:

/oops

[Rainscents]

75. Hi sfexpat2000,

I'm so sorry. Here is a hug for you. :hug: You seems like a strong lady and in the end, you'll make it through,

[EFerrari]

318. Yes but next time I want to come back as a Labrador Retriever

and hold down the floor, preferably near a sunny window.

lol

:hi:

[Sugar Smack]

78. Baby-girl, I wish you all the best. Please know my thoughts are

with you. Your wonderful sense of humor is going to help you through this, you know?

Oh, nuts. I'm crying. :cry: :hug: Sorry about all this.

[EFerrari]

80. Woman don't cry.

We'll all be fine. We will. Watch.


But we really need to mind all these families. Because they are barely managing. :shrug:

[Sugar Smack]

89. We will.

I have my eyes on them, too. We'll pull thru it, so I'll try not to cry. Your story hits close to the bone for many of us. And it casts humanity onto situations so many are in but so few articulate in the manner you just have.

[bobbolink]

292. Your tears are OK. Really.

It shows you have a heart.

Take it from one who is *not* able to cry.

Your tears are a precious gift.

:pals:

[Individualist]

81. Damn, Beth

This has to have turned your world upside down. I'm so very sorry.
:hug:

[EFerrari]

86. It did. I couldn't walk by the ocean without feeling a pull.

But you know, life is more than that.

It's my local elections. It's my local Coalition for the Homeless. It's watching my two sons engage. It's bringing up trees on my defoliated block.

It was bad, is hard -- but, what can we make of it? That's where I'd like to go.

/oops

:)

[bicentennial_baby]

83. Yep

My gf is severly bi-polar, among other things...I'm with ya :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

95. I'm with YA'S.

I know about your situation. I think about you a lot. :pals: :loveya: forever.

[bicentennial_baby]

109. i've been missing you somthing awful, love...

seriously...thinking about you bunches tonight...you up? ;)

i wuv you :loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

115. Yes, I'm up, dollface!

And MAUDLIN! And I have a song I'm playing for broken-heartedness in general.

This is for y'all:

"Put a candle in the window, cause I feel Ive got to move.
Though Im going, going, Ill be coming home soon,
long as I can see the light.

Pack my bag and lets get movin, cause Im bound to drift a while.
When Im gone, gone, you dont have to worry long,
long as I can see the light.

Guess Ive got that old travlin bone, cause this feelin wont leave me alone.
But I wont, wont be losin my way, no, no
long as I can see the light.

Yeah! yeah! yeah! oh, yeah!

Put a candle in the window, cause I feel Ive got to move.
Though Im going, going, Ill be coming home soon,
Long as I can see the light.
Long as I can see the light.
Long as I can see the light.
Long as I can see the light.
Long as I can see the light."

-CCR
:hug: :loveya: Lemme know if you have any ideas about crying & drinking over the phone, loviebaby. I'm up for it at this point.

[bicentennial_baby]

117. Psssst, call me!

I'm up and about! Phone is on, and I'm here! :bounce:

And I'm drinkin' ;)

[Sugar Smack]

125. *could you pm me*

*yr number* *once more*? WILL CALL. :D

[bicentennial_baby]

126. doing right now...

and waiting :D

[cally]

85. I don't know how to offer support

other than to tell you that I empathize. I have a daughter that suffered from major depression and I know how hard it is for the care givers. I'm so sorry that you are suffering. :hug:

[EFerrari]

371. It gets a whole lot easier when the community get its.

For some reason, it's so important.

Thank you, cally. :hug:

[Maat]

87. I'm so sorry.

Sending healing energy your way!

:hug:

[Me.]

88. Goes Without Saying

I wish you well and for happiness to come a knock, knock, knocking at your door.

[EFerrari]

315. Thank you, Me.

:hi:

[mindwalker_i]

91. It breaks my heart to hear this

Just recently, I worked for more than a month on a really hard project at work which pretty much destroyed my emotional stability. Through all of this my wife has stayed by my side. I worry a lot that I'm wearing her out and even though she would not leave, I don't like doing it. Hell, having my mood change multiple times in a minute - from one extreme to the other - wears me out!

So to hear that your husband told you were a horrible person and left is just unbelievable to me. It actually makes me quite angry, even though these things affect people differently. So I'm sorry, and I hope he comes around to appreciating you as he should.

-mwalker

[EFerrari]

379. I think the deal is to work on balance, mwalker.

In any partnership, there has to be some kind of recognized balance. It can be asymmetrical but it needs to be there.

Easy to say, hard to do. Well, how do we get to Carnegie Hall?

My best to your family.

[AspenRose]

92. I don't know what to say.

So I will say a prayer for you. :hug:

[EFerrari]

93. Thank you, DU. You are my heart.

I posted but there are so many families dealing. Please keep them in your thoughts.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[madrchsod]

97. been there and gone through it

you got to roll with the punches and hope to god you stop standing up. you take one day at a time cause there is`t nothing you can do about tomorrow.peace be your friend

[EFerrari]

325. That's right!

Bob and weave, lol.

:hi:

[ninkasi]

98. sfexpat200

May I give you another persecutive? I had a brother three years younger than me. We were as close as twins, and had gone through an emotionally abusive childhood. He married my sister-in-law in 1967, not long before their daughter was born.

He was always fragile, always in danger of slipping away from us. My sister-in-law kept him going for so many years, but in the end, he had a love affair with a woman much younger than he, a woman who made a great deal of money, and who, in my opinion, was intrigued by the image of my brother as an artist, and thus anti establishment.

Although I could not break a confidence and tell my sister-in-law very much, he was in anguish at his divided feelings. His heart was with my sister-in-law, but the allure of a wealthy, attractive, much younger woman was powerful.

I talked to him several times about his love for his wife and daughter, and his attraction to to this younger woman. He was, as I have said, torn in his feelings. My sister-in-law was the one who truly suffered during this period of their lives. I always credited her with keeping him going as long as she did. She and I are close to this day.

If your husband was that insecure, and unstable, then it might be that the only thing you can do is to remain a friend when...not if, but when...he hits bottom. Regardless of the outcome, you do not need to sacrifice your own happiness, and well being, to someone who has that many problems. I am not trying to come across as cold, or unfeeling, but sometimes, we have to let loose of the ones who push us away.

My words are nothing, but my love, and prayers, are with you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[BeatleBoot]

99. What a sinking feeling that must be...

To know that the med change caused this behavior of rejection towards you.

All the while, you have been the stability.
You, trying to keep the whole thing together, because you care and you love.

And to think that he left while you know full well that he is not fully himself.

What a nightmare.

I am so sorry.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[EFerrari]

419. Yes, that's what seemed to have happened here.

It felt like nightmare.

But it's no more than many families tilt with every day.

We really need to do better than this. We need to stop building prisons to house mentally ill people and to just deliver some tech and to support some families.

It's a helluva lot more simple than waging fake wars for Halliburton. :(

[HeeBGBz]

100. I'm sorry sfexpat

[Oilwellian]

104. Best wishes to you

I know about mental illness all too well...I lost my mother to depression back in the day when there was no medication for it. One thing I've learned through the years, it is through tragedy that your most soulful learning experiences can occur. I'm sending peace and good vibes in your general direction, a few purrs for the kitties, and a belly rub for the Lab. Take care. Oh, and I'm so glad you have a beach to wander. :hug:

[EFerrari]

136. Thank you so very much.

And I want to hike that wonderful wish to all the families that are dealing.

:hug:

[helderheid]

105. Ah hon

I don't know what to say other than I'm here for you. :hug: :pals: :loveya: :pals: :hug:

[Nothing Without Hope]

107. Oh Beth, I am so very sorry to hear this. Here's yet another hug

coming your way. :hug: I don't have any words.

[EFerrari]

111. Thank you. I needed it.

We really have to do something for these families because they are sitting ducks.

I'm as you would expect but okay.

:)

[caligirl]

108. deeply sorry. you have posted here with me and others for a long time.

In the bay area it can seem kind of isolating when times are dark personally. Deeply sorry for what your experiencing now. just try to get up and move forward and go for walks if you can. Have some tea and treat yourself to a little pampering to nurture yourself.

[EFerrari]

169. I will be okay. This new puppy will make sure of that.

But let's send a thought out to our bay area families who don't have a bullhorn like me.

They go through so much when all they need is medical care.

We can do better than this.

:hi:

[williesgirl]

110. My heart goes out to you. My daughter's mental illness really surfaced when my husband passed

away suddenly and it's been a long, hard 6 years now. She's got a great psychiatrist who has worked with her and wiped out what was practically quarterly suicide attempts to zero in the last 2 yrs. I've seen the effects of many of the drugs they've tried in all combinations over the years. Most made little to no difference.

I hope your best friend wins in his battle with himself and is able to make your lives right again.

If you'd like to talk privately, PM me. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sons and critters.

recommended

[EFerrari]

112. We hang in, don't we, williesgirl, and invite the community to

do the same?

:hug: to you. And the DU Mental Health forum is a wonderful place.

[Pab Sungenis]

114. Gee, they're slipping.

It took them a full hour and a half to mock you at the other site.

Mental illness does strange things to people. Please try to understand that he probably didn't mean to hurt you, and don't let your own well-being be hurt by all this. Stay strong, you've got us to lean on.

[Sugar Smack]

121. She doesn't need to hear that.

My god, that's the LAST thing I would have come up with upon seeing this thread. Who needs to hear that about the "other site"? Nobody.

[EFerrari]

212. Maybe Mom turned out the light in the basement for a while.

lol

[Pab Sungenis]

233. Still, she has us.

We all need to stick together.

[msedano]

116. sometimes things find a way to fix themselves

spontaneous crap like this might mean a major leap out of the former state to something that may become fruitful and positive. at any rate, i wish you the best and offer a bit of solace: things always work out for the best if you make them work out for the best. for that poor bereft fellow, i hope he knows that at least one person in the world loves him, even if he's mucking up her life.

[EFerrari]

123. Maybe I just need more santos.

The mentally ill and their families in this culture are on their own. And that is just wrong.

[Gregorian]

118. How do we endure and be patient?

This has been an extremely turbulent month. We've all had loss and grief. This is terrible for you. But we're all together. We pull each other through these difficult trials. I'm grateful that you posted this. I think it's important that we come together. Be united in our lives.

This month has been so hard for me I can say that I understand. I experienced the first true loss in my life. And bitter disappointment just yesterday. In several ways. Perhaps the worst day of my life.

There is something so painful about these injuries. And yet so very much an integral part of our lives. It seems so unfair.

I can tell that you have what it takes to see this clearly, and to work with it. You are pretty damned amazing. That is, courage and strength. And nonjudgement.

Just remember that from one angle things look horrible. But there are other angles. And other solutions. We all see things from different perspectives. By sharing, we can learn the answers.

I hope you find your way through this.

[EFerrari]

128. Gregorian, I don't know what happened for you

but I hope to know.


Not today but another day, we can talk about turning what has happened into something we and others can use.

:toast:

:hug:

[calimary]

120. Aw, man... I'm so sorry to hear this.

Just what you need - more upheaval.

I'm so sorry to hear this!

Imagine how many more families will be ripped apart like this - when the mental deterioration and battle-stress sets in with those of our veterans "lucky" enough to survive Iraq. SHEESH. I wonder if people really appreciate how debilitating mental illness is - not just to the patient him/herself, but to all the friends, loved ones, and colleagues in his/her orbit. Heartbreaking all around.

Shit. I'm so sorry... I hope he'll be okay. I hope YOU will be okay, too. Sending my love...

:hug:

[EFerrari]

130. You and I need to talk about this, calimary

I had to threaten to sue Los Angeles County and wave all our stuff to get him any care AT ALL.

Our families are stessed out and tired and we're encouraged to break up even as ws're asked to hold all of this. :shrug:

[calimary]

139. Now that's just plain wrong. NOBODY should have to go through that.

NOBODY. NOBODY needs such added, unnecessary grief. That's just nuts. You should NOT be up against shit like that, TOO.

Something else intriguing to start making a stink about, methinks... I wouldn't mind a bit - brainstorming about it with you.

[EFerrari]

258. We should. I've been waiting to get my brain back before writing about it.

But you know, I have a pretty complete day by day record of the whole thing. Enough to scare the pants out of a few clinic administrators and practitioners.

[seashorelady]

189. Mental health coverage is the place to begin.

This probably isn't the correct time to mention this, but there is only one politician thus far, that has come out and said he will include mental care in his health care plan. To be covered just like a medical condition. We have to hold their feet to the fire. You should not have had to wave all of your stuff to get him any care at all. That's just plain wrong. Please take care of yourself. People forget that the care takers are in pain too. I too live near the ocean, and a walk along the beach can sometimes help to heal a wounded heart.

Shar

[EFerrari]

263. And families. The way families are handled in this so called "system"

is insane, literally.

We are constantly told we should disband AND we are expected to do most of the real work.

:crazy:

[Boxerfan]

122. Damn .....May I suggest a change of med's or is it too late for that???

Frankly I'm happy & lucky I never took the pain/arthritis meds doc's offered me...Half of them are proven dangerous now. Mota is my medicine...
Damn sorry to hear that you had to bear this unnecesary pain...I for one believe the medical system needs far more than just an economic overhaul....

[Pastiche423]

124. Beth, let me add

my hugs and healing thoughts to the many you have already receieved. We all know how strong you are, but please lean on us when you can.

I care.

:hug:

Victoria

[EFerrari]

129. I feel a little overwhelmed by the response on this thread and silly too,

because this is DU.

Thank you, Victoria. Let's please see what we can do for these families.

much gratitude,
Beth

[Hissyspit]

133. Beth, I am living alone with 9 cats and it takes a lot of effort.

But I would not give them away for anything. As the old cat poster used to say: Hang In There!

[EFerrari]

147. Cats? There are no cats here. There are 7 people

who keep me on my toes. :)

[LynnTheDem]

152. 7 little people in furry suits?

I have one of them lives with me. Bossy little person in a furry suit, too.

[Swamp Rat]

131. .

:hug:

[EFerrari]

134. . .

A nuestrss familias. To our families.

:hug: my dear Swampy.

[BurtWorm]

132. I'm very sorry to hear that.

In case white light works, I'm sending you some.

[windbreeze]

135. Heartfelt sympathy to you and yours

hoping you remain strong...how sad this is...just take one day at a time...
windbreeze

[merh]

137. ((((( my friend )))))

:hug: much love :loveya:

m.

[EFerrari]

140. Dearest merh, we keep moving.

And we keep moving for our people, too.

You know I :loveya:

Hope the thread wasn't a mistake.

[merh]

144. we keep moving, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time...

And you know I :loveya: and you are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

How could this be a mistake? How can it me a mistake to reach out for some understanding and love, and to ask to be reminded that you are not alone and that folks care?

The mistake would have been to let it eat at you with so many of us out here willing to listen and care. :pals:

[EFerrari]

151. I think that being real is important.

More than anything, let's be real.

:hug:

[merh]

157. lol, sugah, they can accuse you and me of a great many things

but they can never accuse us of "not being real" - we are too real for our own good. ;)

You know where to find me if you need an ear and a voice of sorta, sometimes, every now and then, of reason. :silly:

:hug:

[CoffeeCat]

138. Beth...

I just read your post and I wanted to let you know
that I see a woman with tremendous courage and grace.

You have amazing insight.

I know you are hurting right now. I know it must
be so difficult. You will get through this. Please
remember to pay value to yourself. Please remember
how strong, resourceful and clever you are. You have
a very big heart. You are light years ahead of most
human beings on this planet, and that says a lot
about you. You see the big picture, and I think
that's the key to being resilient.

I think you're an "old soul".

I just wanted to share my thoughts and to let you
know that I hope the best for you. If this is
a med-induced reaction--I assume that there is hope
that things could change for the better--as quickly
as they went South. Is that right?

[EFerrari]

146. He will not be back because

he doesn't know what happened and because he might feel shame about not knowing. There are things that happen for him that he can't know or they would be too terrible.

But, tonight, my main thought is, if I am dealing with this, how many families are?

We have every means to help these families - if we only had the will.

:hug:

[renate]

174. I admire you so much for your compassion and strength

...and forgiveness and understanding.

Bless your good, kind heart. :hug:

[elehhhhna]

191. You've always had my respect and admiration --

will bounce love and peace vibes from Sugar Land tonight in your direction.

oxo,
E

[EFerrari]

283. Thanks. I hope the Tubes are clear today.

:)

:hug:

[mitchum]

141. I am sending love to you and yours

[EFerrari]

403. Thank you, mitchum. We need it just now.

:hug:

[redacted]

142. Hey Beth hang in there. I know you've been through this before with him.

All you can do is what you need to do to take care of yourself.

If you need anything, my phone number is on the back of the New Years card we sent you -- or you can PM me.

[GenDem]

143. My thoughts are with you.

Prayers of endurance and strength being sent your way.

Depression runs rampant through my family, and didn't pass over me. I sympathize. :hug:

[Patsy Stone]

145. I don't think you're a bad person

For what it's worth.

Sorry, Beth.

:hug:

[VelmaD]

148. I am so sorry

:hug:

You do what you need to do to take care of you. And if that means posting about it here...you know there are a lot of us who will listen and talk to you if you need it.

[EFerrari]

153. My thought was, Velma, that if it's happening to me, it's happening.

Our families are only together because of spit and gum -- I know you know that. :hug:

[VelmaD]

162. I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice...

if you don't already have someone who you can really talk to about how all this is making you feel...consider talking to a professional...a counselor or social worker or something like that. Someone who is trained to listen and help you cope with everything. Even just letting it all out with a good friend who will listen and be non-judgemental is good.

I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. So I worry. I'm a worrier. You know that. :)

And I think it's amazing that with everything happening to you personally...you've can see the big picture, you can tie it all in to the serious deficiencies in how our society deals with mental illness. Wow. :)

[EFerrari]

278. In a funny way, everything about this relationship helped me learn

how to manage its ending. Isn't that something?

My little support group of Borderline families has been splendid, from the early days when I felt shattered and then to the goofy days where I couldn't figure out what to do with myself. Our families deal with these situations often. (((((Our Families)))))

Thanks, VelmaD. :)

[LynnTheDem]

149. Stay strong, my dear friend!

We're here for you; vent, rage, scream, cry...whatever you need to do.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

:hug:

[EFerrari]

154. Lynn, liisten. I'm making travel plans for my mom and me and my son

to go moon Junior on the 27th. lol


But, it is true that families dealing with mental health stuff are screwed.


Thank you, my friend.

[Hissyspit]

155. I'm planning to be in D.C., too, at this point.

The 9 people in cat suits here will have to spend a night without me.

[LynnTheDem]

158. So if we see moons on the front pages of the newspapers...

how will we know which is yours so we can give a standing ovation?

Need some kind of *ahem* BUMper sticker.

:D

[EFerrari]

165. We should all just plan to moon him at the same time and let the press

titutes sort us out. :evilgrin:

[anitar1]

186. Old song. I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you.

Seriously, I am surrounding you with loving , positive thoughts.

[EFerrari]

343. Hey, I've been playing Django Reinhardt's "Tea for Two" over and over.

I defy anyone to be sad AND listen to Django at the same time. :)

[medeak]

150. oh shit...

and you are so beloved to me on this site...always love your posts and am so sorry.

If it is any help...father went on beta blockers and did same thing in one week...

Husband has Parkinson's and from week to week it's bipolar land re me...

Understand! It's nutsville and can only suppose that with mental illness you have been dealing with this for some time. Hope you have great friends and family to support you.. and now think of this new time
as your time? Obviously you have been a caretaker for a long time? Hope and pray you will have a new adventure and it's about YOU! You all the time 24/7...just think.. me me me! It's about time!

many hugs to you...

[EFerrari]

159. The thing is, I'm not all that interesting.

:rofl:

[lonestarnot]

202. You just stop that now you hear!

:hug:

[Sapphire Blue]

156. ..

:hug: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olRcPZvfj7Y :hug:

[EFerrari]

160. I can't access video right now.

:hug:

And :hug: to all our families that are trying their hardest to deal with mental illness bare handed in their living rooms without trying to upset their neighbors or, their familhy, or without police contact.

:hug: for our families.

[RevolutionStartsNow]

161. Beth, just know that you are not alone

We've chatted a bit and I know you have been through a lot, over the years.

I have a friend who is going through something very similar, more related to addiction than mental illlness and meds but it can be very painful to have your relationship and your family torn apart due to something completely out of your control.

I've been on the other side of that myself, being the one hurting others, and am grateful for my own sobriety and recovery, but it's always fragile. So fragile.

But know you are loved and respected here, and many people are thinking of you tonight. It's okay to come here for comfort.

[EFerrari]

167. Any of us who have lived on this small planet have hurt someone.

And if we learn better, we do better.

I'm grateful for DU, so grateful. And I hope we can become a little more open to know the wages of mental illness. Because I don't want to read in my paper that a mom committed suicide because she was overwhelmed by caring for her adult son.

There is no reason for these tragedies. None.

[Rhiannon12866]

163. Jesus, Beth, I am so sorry...

You are such a good person and did not deserve this. I'm sorry if you're getting an "awe, Beth" from me, but that's how I feel. But, as always, you're stepping up to the plate and dealing with this. You'll be just fine, despite the pain, and I can only imagine how awful this must be for you. I've had to deal with some unstable members of my family before, was just discussing this with my therapist, today, as a matter of fact, but this is my mother and my brother, so I can distance myself, and have. You can't. Your point is well taken, since I was wondering today how other people can't notice and what they must think... Please know that I'm thinking about you and am sending you what strength I have and a hug, as well. And I am so sorry about your dog... I've been there, too. For what it's worth...

Rhiannon:hug:

[WritersBlock]

164. I am so sorry to hear this.

I wish you and your family strength and peace through this awful time.

[G_j]

166. I hear ya

guess I share a bit of the experience, when I was younger I thought certain ideals could overcome all. Such as love.
Though love is still the absolute bottom line of all that turns out good, it may take terrible and difficult routes that we never imagine. I had to face finally the mental illness of a person I loved and married a very intelligent and creative person.
Her brilliant denial of mental illness had us both fooled. We were in supernatural and spiritual realms where 'angels' spoke.

The experience shook me to the core. I hope/trust I am the wiser.
I wish I could have expressed the wisdom you reflect in your outlook when it was needed most.

[uppityperson]

168. Aw Beth, I am so sorry and hope you are doing ok and ex will be too.

I have been wondering if you were ok but have been dealing with stuff and cranky here, thought it was just me. so sorry and hoping this yr is a better yr. Peace to you.

[EFerrari]

320. How are you, up? I've been on automatic when I'm "on" at all.

:hug:

I hope this year brings us all peace.

[NorthernSpy]

170. I'm sorry this happened.

Mental illness can be so unpredictable. Because there is no end to what the brain can come up with -- bad things that suddenly screw up life all to hell (but also good things that save the day just in time).

I hope things will be better for you soon.

[EFerrari]

171. Thank you, DU. This community is amazing and humbling.

I didn't know you would get it. Thank you.

[Rhiannon12866]

173. You're always welcome, my friend.

You have been there, always, so it's time that DU is here for you. We are always here, and understand.

Rhiannon:hug:

[area51]

172. I"m so sorry.

:hug:

[Ellipsis]

175. Hey you

I watched this thread grow to 2000 views in two hours. Lots of cyber love and concern and you wouldn't get it if you didn't deserve it.

:hug:

Been there.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.


Now, how 'bout a puppy picture?

[EFerrari]

345. What about this one?

:evilgrin:



:rofl:

[Ellipsis]

374. ...live from the derriere vortex

Why... am I... always the straight man?


I have found a sense of humor is the most important survival tool one could ask for.


You're a bad ass you know that?


Peace to you my dear

[EFerrari]

376. She's about to get stuck, any SECOND now.

:hug:

[Trajan]

176. A ring of familiarity ....

Ten years into our marriage, by wife was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder, and began meds, which she eventually stopped taking .... I am now 20 months into a separation which I did not choose, after a 20 year marriage which, while certainly having the normal ups and downs, did NOT seem anywhere near separation ....

Even with the Bipolarity, I had no idea it was coming, as there were no outward signs of a steady degradation in sentiment, and there were seemingly genuine feelings of affection between us ... then BAM ! .... a complete turnaround out of nowhere ....

I was heartbroken, but I knew I had to stay upright and keep my head above water, for my kids depended on me to be solid and secure ... It was so hard sometimes, but Im feeling better about it as the months go by ....

In the end: I will not suffer a one-sided relationship and waste precious time following a dead end path .... I wish her well, and share the kids readily with her .... But we are done ...

I attribute her behaviour at least in part to her untreated Bipolarity, but I also had to face the reality that people do change over time, and perhaps our affections were unwarranted, and perhaps this is ultimately the most positive result which will place us on more fulfilling paths in our lives ... Her medical issues are now her own, and I will not remain enmeshed in concern by sharing those issues any longer ....

I grieved this like one would grieve a dead parent ... But the grieving is over, and I am moving forward, independently and successfully, and as optimistically as I have ever been ....

I know you can rise up from this .... You will ....

[EFerrari]

316. Impulsivity is so hard to deal with, can be so damaging for everyone.

You sound very clear, Trajan. :toast:

[emlev]

177. My thoughts are with you. I'm touched by your compassion and

ability to put this into context of how poorly people with emotional disabilities are served (ha!) in this country. I have a family member in prison right now who might not be had his issues gotten the proper attention. Through that and other experiences I can identify with your situation. I hope you have in-person support as well as the support here on DU.

Take good care,
Emlev

[EFerrari]

217. Prison seems to be our preferred way to deal with mental illness.

Los Angeles Co Jail, the world's biggest provider of "services".

:hug:

[ribrepin]

178. Hugs

My mother had a brain tumor for years before it was diagnosed. Made for some interesting times. She eventually packed up and moved to Las Vegas where her life continued to disintegrate. Left my 17 year old sister to fend for herself.

It was really painful to watch. I couldn't do a damn thing. She was of age and if she didn't want to take her medicine, so be it.

[roguevalley]

179. I am so sorry. This world is not for the hurting. May you be happy

and find your way again. (((HUGS!!!)))

[mogster]

180. I'm sorry to hear this, Beth

You're such a good gal! :hug:
Tell me if there's something I can do.

[Maraya1969]

181. I can identify with this from both sides. And I can't help but think this is temporary

and he will be back once his meds are straight or he just comes down as a new cycle begins.

I've had episodes, (many) where my thinking became so fucked up that it is hard for me to believe it when I look back. And I know I put a terrible burden on my family. But the one thing that has always happened is I have always gotten back down to sea level after a while, (sometimes a very short while, other times longer.)

And my last X :) had a manic episode and I had to have him removed from the house and then he somehow divorced me without me even knowing it! I know that sounds so weird but he was acting so crazy for so many months and I forgot to reply to the divorce papers so he got a "default" divorce. And then he said he did it on an impulse to get back at me.(a divorce on an impulse?) and he wanted to get married again.............

At least you don't' have two nuts running around in your marriage.

I am really sorry for the pain you are going through. I hope you talk to the doctor and that you can get him back on the right meds so everything will be OK again. If you have been together for a long time I don't see why that can't happen. I was only married for a few years and we had no kids so it was different.

You are not alone. If I can be of any help please PM me.

Bless you a whole bunch. :hug:

[EFerrari]

259. I hear the papers will be filed this week. My impression is that

having more or less smeared me all over the world when he was tipped over, he now has to follow up or it would be just too shaming or something.

Well, :grouphug: Let's see how we do. :hug:

[spiderpig]

182. I can only echo the sentiments already expressed by others...

...and admire your spirit during such a difficult time.

DU's an amazing support group, isn't it?

[Bluebear]

183. Oh honey...

I am so sorry, I had no idea. Did this all happen tonight, this week, recently??? Whatever we can do let us know, even if just to vent. And from one who grew up in a house with mental illness, remember my saying. Just when things look the blackest, and you think there will be no dawn, remember it will probably get even worse still. :eyes:

Just kidding, or half kidding. You understand.

[EFerrari]

214. August and ongoing. The scene continues.

One day I woke up and my life was Beeteljuice. lol

I do understand. :hi:

[tavalon]

241. Wow, August is when the second suicide attempt

happened with the running away following shortly after. It was amazing how quickly everything went down the toilet. She wants our partner to cancel the divorce she started. Not happening. It should be wrapped up by next month and if she does end up coming back, she won't be getting that piece of paper/entanglement back.

[donheld]

184. So sorry, I'll keep good thoughts for you

:hug:

[mhatrw]

185. You are a wonderful person whom I respect deeply.

I'm very sorry to hear this sad news, and I wish you and your loved ones the best possible resolution.

[Jeanette in FL]

187. Oh Beth, so sorry to hear this

There is not much to add to all the well wishes that you have received from this "family", You have been there for so many others in the past, now it is your turn.

You have had so many up and downs in the past months and I thought that things were leveling out for you guys.

Just know that you have so many here that have your back and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Lots of hugs for you and all your babies.

See you in DC on the 27th.

[EFerrari]

222. Yes. See you there.

:)

[malaise]

188. Very sad

No doubt he'll be back.

[dddem]

190. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

My mother is bi-polar, so I understand how difficult it is to be the family of a person with a mental illness. Nobody can appreciate what you go through, sometimes on a daily basis (depending on what cycle you're in!). People with a mental illness don't behave the way they do out of hate, or vindictiveness or plain meanness, but sometimes it hurts just as much as if they did. And you gotta love those medication adjustments!
I don't mean to sound snide, but in my family (we put the FUN in dysFUNctional!), you learn to laugh or you'll explode.
My prayer for you is that you'll be able to laugh, and you'll someday be able to look back on this part of your life and be able to appreciate what a strong, compassionate, kind and exceptional person you are! My father stayed with my mother through all of her episodes, her hospitalizations, her recoveries, her depression, her mania, etc. etc., and there were times when I didn't get why he put up with all of her crap, but as I got older, I began to appreciate that when you love someone, and when you make a commitment, that's just what you do. He became my hero. I get the feeling that you understand what he did. God Bless you.
Peace.

[EFerrari]

435. Your family is your family.

:hug:

[bonito]

192. I'm sorry to here this as well

I can tell you are a good person from your post, hang in there kid.:grouphug:

[Kurovski]

193. I love you.

You are so magnificent here.

I wish you strength, I hope the best for you.

I grew up in a household where there was mental illness.

You will, I hope, seek out all the financial help that you can. I seem to recall that others here have had one-time threads seeking personal assistance. I may be recalling incorrectly, perhaps someone has a better memory.

:hug: :loveya:

[EFerrari]

265. Don't look at me.

I love you, too, Kurovski.

:hug:

[Vidar]

194. I'm very sorry. I've had personal experience with meds screwing up

one's perceptions & life.

[EFerrari]

218. Depending on meds is really something else, isn't it.

The time it takes to find something that works, the constant need to tinker. So many points at which things can go ka-boom.

I guess that makes us optimists. :)

[sendero]

195. I'm so sorry ..

... to hear of your troubles. I know you are tough and you'll make your way but I also know that the grieving process is difficult.

None of us knows what tomorrow might bring so we are really all in the same boat.

[EFerrari]

219. That's very true. We really don't know.

Thanks, sendero. :hug:

[progressoid]

196. Consider this K/R a cyber-hug.

:hug:

[smoogatz]

197. Been there--

and frankly, after a few years, couldn't handle it. My ex was bipolar/borderline, with occasional psychotic, paranoid breaks. She declined to take meds most of the time. Lovely woman four days out of seven--but the other three were hell on wheels. You are very, very good and brave to have hung in there so long. But you know, as empty and worried and desperate as you feel right now, there are other, happier ways to relate to people. So, peace to you in the short term (you've earned it), and a calmer, richer, happier future down the road.

[EFerrari]

348. Well, it seems to me that the job is to relate to the person in front of us

not the person of our illusion. Not that I am willing to let go of mine.


It is hard to have your life exploded. And, it's a good idea to try to avoid that. But, relationship is risk at bottom, isn't it?

:)

[smoogatz]

355. I don't know precisely what you're dealing with, of course,

so I can only speak to your situation with in a general way. In my ex's case, it was often hard to know who the person in front of me was going to be from one day to the next. There was also a lot of destructive, out of control behavior that I ultimately couldn't deal with--and enormous, hostile resistance to any kind of treatment--this from a woman who'd twice been hospitalized in the midst of severe psychotic breaks. In the end, I just ran out of gas, emotionally. The hard part at that point was making the break--the guilt-tripping was incredibly intense. She's "fine" now, of course--four years and several failed relationships later; still unmedicated, still struggling, but not institutionalized, which is a kind of victory, I guess. What I learned is that I'm a crappy caregiver for the mentally ill--particularly for borderlines, who love/hate you alternately (and sometimes simultaneously), but who require your unswerving, abject devotion--not to mention your undivided attention 24/7, and full access to your bank account. Not exactly what I signed on for--when it was finally over I found that mostly I felt relieved to be done with all the grinding, demoralizing conflict. I'm married to a lovely and only mildly neurotic woman now (less than I am, I think); we have an extremely handsome two-year-old son. And we actually have fun together. Imagine that.

[EFerrari]

357. So good to hear. Good for you!

:toast:

[smoogatz]

362. Thanks.

Really, I couldn't have imagined a better outcome. I could say something not very helpful about how your partner's mental illness is your partner's, not yours, but you already know that. Instead I'll just wish you the outcome you desire, and long, plentiful moments of unadulterated happiness however things turn out. Best to you, truly--

smoogatz

[EFerrari]

367. Thank you, truly.

Beth

[BoneDaddy]

198. Stay strong

Sounds like you have a great deal of strength. Lean on others if you need to and you certainly have a tremendous amount of support from your DU family. Keep us posted.

[wicket]

199. I am so incredibly sorry

:hug:

[EFerrari]

332. Oh dear.

Thanks. I hope this becomes stone soup or I'm going to be really, really mad.

:hug:

[formercia]

200. I can appreciate where you're coming from

A Year ago, my wife collapsed at work. They took her to the hospital and for days I watched her blood pressure slowly dropping and her pulse rate going up as she lay in a coma from a ruptured brain anyurism. Two weeks later, after surgery, she was on her way to recovery and after two months, she was able to return to work. That little episode put us $250K in the hole. Right out of the blue---Bang!

Life is fragile. It streesed me out so bad that I wound up sick and in the hospital as well. Our 6 year old son came close to losing both parents.

Hang in there.:hug:

[EFerrari]

309. Wow, that's so frightening. I hope things are better now.

You, too. :hug:

[formercia]

425. We were lucky

she completely recovered except for a minor memory problem. Our debt load is manageable now with help from family. I still have a lot of health issues but we do it one day at a time.

Having children late in life can be problematic. I was 54 when my son was born and I worry about being there for him as he grows up but, on the other hand it keeps me determined to beat the demons that come with advancing age.

Kids do keep you young.

[EFerrari]

427. Do they? I had both boys really young and when they went into

their teens, recall checking my head for gray hair pretty often. :silly:

[formercia]

429. You make a good point

Age is a good part attitude.

I was thinking yesterday that I didn't feel 60, although my body was trying to tell me otherwise. :)


I hope you get through this and are the better for it.

There are those who say that there is a reason for everything.

[intheflow]

201. I'm sorry, sfexpat.

Mental illness is very hard to deal with, and what a blow to you after being such a good wife and caretaker (which is not a neutral term, as your soon-to-be ex seems to think). I don't know you in person, but I've known you for years on this board, and I know you to be an exceptionally caring and compassionate person.

Keep the faith, Dear Heart. My thought and prayers are with you. :hug:

[EFerrari]

341. It'll be okay. Our families lead interesting lives.

Thank you, dear heart.

:hug:

[raccoon]

203. I'm sorry to hear that, Sfexpat.

You were really brave to share that with us.

I'll be thinking about you and your furry relatives.

[EFerrari]

227. Please hope with me that the puppy outgrows the cat door SOON.

:)

[Strawman]

204. Your understanding of and compassion for human frailty is both profound and uncommon

"how fragile some people really are despite their best efforts"

Thanks for sharing such a dificult experience. You are clearly a profoundly intelligent and empathetic person. I have problems being empathetic and patient sometimes and that line of yours I posted above in quotation marks really brings clarity to some issues I have tried to deal with.

I hope you and your soon-to-be-ex can find peace and happiness. You've clearly got the whole wisdom and understanding thing down already. And I hope you will find your way back to one another in a way that works for both of you as individuals. One's oldest friend is a treasure. I know would be devastated if I thought I might possibly lose mine. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Hang in there. :grouphug:

[Brewman_Jax]

205. I'm sorry to hear

my condolences. :(

[Kadie]

206. .

:hug:

[The Count]

207. Been there, done that....

:grouphug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

208. I'm so sorry, Beth.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

223. Yeah, it's too bad, isn't it.

We had five whole years of relative peace after 8 of nonstop fighting for care.

But, it was a fight that mattered, so there's that. :hug:

[Irishonly]

209. I am so sorry

You are very strong.

[Lost4words]

210. And the times we live in now arent helping either, My support to you!

Hang in there, many of us are in a slow motion crash.

[qanda]

213. Sorry for your pain

I hope your husband and family will one day be whole.

[John Gauger]

216. I guess you're not here for pity,

so I won't say 'I'm so sorry for you,' but you have my condolences. I wish I could offer some advice, but all I can think of is to speak with his doctor, which I would assume you have already done. I hope everything turns out okay.

Love and Peace.

[dogday]

220. When one door closes, another opens..

Understanding is the hardest part of mental illness sometimes... :hug:

[Karenina]

225. (((BIG HUG))) and another (((BIG HUG)))

:hug::loveya::hug:

[librechik]

226. apologies, but this may be a good thing

you have a chance to escape The Cycle.

As someone who has strung along for decades with a very sweet and well-intentioned (but mentally ill) partner, I wish you good luck in your new life. Hope you can make it stick. Mine keeps coming back and giving me honeymoons and hope. And I love him, so it's easy to keep on renewing the same ol passive aggressive shtick over and over. We've tried everything, meds,children, other meds, therapy, incarceration, rehab, separation--nothing works.He won't give up on me, Reconciliation is always good. But eventually The Evil One comes creeping back.

Sometimes I just wish he would go away for good. Part of me envies you.

But we're on a honeymoon right now. Maybe this one will really take! (Guess I'm mentally ill too--it happens)


:loveya: hang in there sfexpat!

[EFerrari]

230. I think the only "escape" from this cycle is the long quiet one.

Mental illness isn't contained in one body or under one roof. And all those models of relationship that try to blame one person for being themselves and then, turn around and blame the other person for holding a family together -- well, they sound sort of like Republicans to me. lol

Take good care. :hug:

[npincus]

228. so sorry

:hug:

I understand what you are going through; a member of my immediate family was hospitalized (involumtarily) this summer. I myself did the research, found a suitable program, and made the phonecalls on behalf of her spouse, who was dealing with a lot. When she was symptomatic, she was angry and attacked us all verbally. Obviously, this situation was horrible for her children and husband. She's well now--more or less 'her old self', as she was prescribed a new treatment, which she resisted initially. Getting her on board to accept all this was very hard, and her well-being depends on her willingness to continue indefintely withh this treatment.

I am so so sorry, and wish you all the best. It sounds like the tweaking has been very destructive. If you want to PM, I can share more if it'll help.

:hug:

[tavalon]

229. While everyone's situation is different

I so resonate with what your talking about. My bipolar family member went off the deep end twice last year (2006, for me, sucked big time) and in the second time, after she tried to kill herself, she decided we were "holding her back" and moved back to Texas, leaving her child who is, when she is in her right mind, her greatest beloved. Now, she wants to come back and can't understand why we won't just let her waltz back in. We're expecting her to have a plan, including a plan if things go south and we want her to get a place of her own and a job. In other words, bipolar or no, it's time for that 37 year old to start acting like an adult, you know, fake it until you make it. It is so hard to treat her like the adult she is supposed to be when the illness seems to rob her of that. And yet, we do her no favors by treating her like a child.

As I said, I don't know the particulars of how you are feeling but as a fellow member of a rather exclusive club of family members of those with mental illness, I just wanted to give you a BTDT and a cyberhug. I do wish more poeple, including the mental health "system" had a clue. It wouldn't make certain aspects of this any easier but it could make other parts easier.

[EFerrari]

232. It's difficult to support someone who is at times a functional, bright

adult and who at times, isn't. :hug:

And the mental health system seems to be there to perpetuate itself more than anything else. It's truly shocking once you really get to know it. :wow:

We need t-shirts that say "Get your clue here!"

[Time for change]

234. So sorry to hear that, and thanks for sharing it

One book that helped me when my dad died was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". Can't remember the author, but it helped me put things in perspective.

It is hard to imagine how difficult this must be for you to deal with.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

238. Hi there, Time for Change.

I haven't read that one and will check it out.

:hug:

[Batgirl]

237. your posts emanate grace and generosity of spirit

an attitude I will keep in mind when dealing with my own struggles.Good wishes to you and your family in getting through this.

[IronLionZion]

239. Beth, I think you could you could use a few more hugs

:grouphug: :hug: :pals:

Stay strong and I'm sure you'll get by on "creative, thoughtful, patient and loyal" which are very powerful qualities to have.

[EFerrari]

253. Well, it sounds better than sneaky and stubborn.

lol

:hi:

:pals:

[Melissa G]

240. Ay, Hermana!! That sucks Big Time!!! So Sorry...

:hug: I grew up with that kind of fun..Manic Depression is such a lovely rollercoaster...Never saw any meds that worked in my family situation..oh well...we perservere and are stronger for it.

Call me any time...check your inbox for numbers. It was my friends that got me through it and yours will gladly do the same.
:toast: to you, Chula...All the best!...You deserve it!:kick:

[Caoimhe]

242. How heartbreaking, my thoughts are with you

I had a long term relationship (before I ended up marrying an old HS sweetheart) with someone I thought was IT. He was european, intellectual, liberal, gorgeous and had a wonderful family. He also had a problem with depression and control. After 7 years of trying my best to make him love himself and me, I couldn't go on. I had gone to college, moved, gotten a great job, was upwardly mobile, and always *buoyed* him along with me. Yet he was sinking further south each day, unwilling to commit, unwilling to work, unwilling to even get out of bed. He picked at me constantly, each day was a toxic series of viscious words. He accused me of cheating on him, of using him, etc.

I hated going home, I hated spending time with my family with him (they felt he was just sponging off me since he refused to get a job and didn't understand depression), I hated my life and I hated what I had become in terms of my personal life. I gave him 3 months to find a place and move, and the next day he disappeared, taking none of his possessions. For a month I searched for him, desperately worried that he had killed himself. I found out that police don't get overly excited about a 35 year old missing man with a history of depression. His family was also involved in the search, but were hampered by the fact they were in Europe. Every day I had visions of his body washing up on some river bank, or found hanging from some tree.

Thankfully, he finally showed up at a VA hospital a state away, unwilling/unable to account for where he'd been. I drove up to see him and he was resigned and tired and indifferent to my presence.. He said he knew he'd lose me eventually, but he couldn't help how he is. I still love him to this day, but a person can only take on so much of another person's mental illness before it weighs a ton on your every waking moment AND your dreams. He is still unemployed, still suffering from depression, still worrying the hell out of his family. Still alone. I had to get his parents to rent a storage unit so I could move all his stuff into it since he refused to come get any of it. After he'd been gone from my home for about 6 months, he sent me an itemized bill of all the money he said I owed him. I'm not talking GENERAL stuff, he had receipts for meals we'd eaten, for things like antifreeze he had bought for my car, down to the penny. It wasn't much, but he viewed it as income, and it was his way of getting by without working. He also sent itemized bills to several of our mutual friends for stuff like wine he had brought to parties, etc. It was truly awful. His scam has always been to keep receipts for everything, then when he's low on money, try to get refunds, even if he's used the hell out of the item. He even saved and froze dead fish that died in the aquarium (some were several years old), and would take them to Walmart for a refund. It became embarrassing to go anywhere with him when I COULD get him out of the house.

I know this sounds terrible to say at this time, in your situation, but perhaps he did you a favor. You can start to rebuild your life now. You deserve a life with hope and goals unhampered by hidden, viscious demons. I know I've never looked back and wished for those days.

[BluePatriot]

243. Hugs and good wishes

Having dealt with mental health issues personally and before with my family, heartfelt hugs are being sent your way!

[knitter4democracy]

244. I know it was hard when my mom went over the edge. Many hugs

More hugs, more and more hugs.

Not a thing is harder than the brain getting sick. The body is one thing, and often hard to fight and deal with, but the brain can trick itself into thinking it's well. It's horrible.

My mom is scared of the meds but scared to go off the meds. Hubby's depressed and yet not taking his meds properly. I'm trying to keep track of everyone and help Mom know when she isn't sounding right and hold Hubby accountable for his meds. *sigh* It's so hard.

I hope he heals and comes home to love and support, but if he doesn't, may he always be surrounded by love. You, strong woman that you are, I hope you are gentle with yourself and have the ability to take some time for pampering (think cheap cashmere and massage :) ). It'll help get you through.

Heck, I'll send ya the cheap cashmere and money for a massage. PM me your addy. Let someone else help you, too. :)

[EFerrari]

252. Cheap cashmere sounds great this chilly morning, knitter.

lol

:hug:

[Helga Scow Stern]

245. Am keeping you in my prayers.

You have been such a tireless giver and fighter, I am praying that you have all the support that you need and so richly deserve.

Be watching for it coming to you!

[ProfessorGAC]

246. I Sympathize and Empathize

My wife has a diagnosed disorder. However, with one exception, her med adjustments have always made things better. The one exception was horrible for her and hard on me. I can't say i know what you're going through, but i can certainly understand the circumstances.
The Professor

[EFerrari]

251. We learn to mark the intervals, right? 24, 48, 72 and two weeks.

This came out of the blue after five stable years. Well, life is risky.

Happy New Year, Professor. I hope it's a good one for your family.

[ProfessorGAC]

262. Yeah, You're Right

She got the task that life hands out. She has a husband with MS. Yep, life is risky.


Take care of yourself.
The Professor

[Mnemosyne]

250. ...

:hug:

[denese]

254. So sorry

Been there, done that and it totally sucks.
It is like living a terrible nightmare.
I wish you and Doug too, all the best.
Healing and love to you.:hug:

[Debbi801]

255. Oh Beth, I am so sorry....

Mental Illness sucks. BTDT on many levels with my ex-husband. Would tweaking meds back do anything?

I'm here if you want to talk.

:hug:
Debbi

[EFerrari]

257. Thanks, Debbi. I don't know how things are going for him right now.

I'm hoping that if something goes seriously wrong, someone will have the sense to ring me up.

Life, it keeps changing.

lol

:hug:

[Wanet]

256. I just wanted to offer you my support

Dear ExPat -- Your husband is truly blessed to have had you as a support all these years. Those who haven't had to deal with this situation cannot imagine the unbelievable stress, frustration, worry, and grief that go with having a spouse with serious mental illness.

My ex-husband Dan is bipolar and we were married for almost 23 years, and during that time had several serious episodes requiring hospitalization. We were divorced last year, and soon after that he had his worst episode ever, was placed under conservatorship, and his affairs are now being handled by our county public guardian's office. He is in a psychiatric nursing home and is now doing much better.

The one piece of advice I would offer is to try and find a way to shelter your money. I wasn't able to do that effectively until we divorced, but maybe a checking account and credit cards only you can access would work for you.

I know you've done everything in your power to help him. Please take comfort from that and try to take care of yourself too. -- Wanet

[Dorian Gray]

260. Oh, SFexpat...

I am so very sorry to hear about your pain, your confusion and your awful circumstances. People tend to sympathize with the mentally ill and forget about the families who are affected by their illness. I'm so so sorry that you've been suffering through this topsy turvy life, and it's resulted here. Your strength and positivity in the face of adversity are really admirable.

[EFerrari]

267. Because our "system" treats the mentally ill as isolates.

That's pretty bone headed, when you think about it.

:hi:

[Bronyraurus]

261. Is insanity really the culprit here?

A man leaves his wife, and she goes to a very public forum and calls him nuts. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

[EFerrari]

268. Welcome to DU and enjoy your stay.

Our story is public record. Has been since we headlined CNN ahead of the Pope and the Boy Scouts in 2000.

lol

[Bronyraurus]

285. Shows you what I know

I missed your appearance on CNN. What is in the public record? All I know is that spouses and lovers often publicly accuse their former mates of being bonkers and this looked like one of those situations.

I have a fairly intimate knowledge of real insanity and the effect it has on people and their families, and I'm a little sensitive to this sort of thing.

[EFerrari]

322. Sure -- I understand how it looks. Here's one link for you.

Sorry if I was brittle. This board has seen lots of interesting accusations and I apologize if I overreacted.

I used to joke with some friends that everyone in our families tend to get really reactive and we all sound exactly the same and you can't really tell at times who has the diagnosis and who is just, um, sharing it! lol

:)

http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/08/29/newsstand.ferrari/

[Bronyraurus]

358. That's a helluva story

Sounds like he did you a favor, SF.

Oh, and P.S.: it looks like insanity was the culprit after all. Sorry for the skepticism.

[EFerrari]

359. It's not a good thing to see someone in your family go in a destructive direction.

It is quite a story, isn't it?

[Bronyraurus]

360. No, it's not

It never is. But how much can you give? It seems like you've given a lot. Besides, there are plenty of lovable, sane dudes out there to be with, even in Frisco.

[EFerrari]

361. I don't know, maybe this whole deal has turned me gay. In fact

if anyone has a copy of the Gay Agenda sitting around, I need one right now.

Also am available for Newcomers meetings.

:rofl:

[Dora]

269. Neither is it the first time for inappropriate criticism.

Didn't you learn? If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

If you want to argue, go into a thread that's seeking discussion. This is not that thread.

Take your bad feelings elsewhere, you. The OP has enough to deal with.

[EFerrari]

272. The poster does bring up a good point, regardless.

I respect my husband's decisions. Just because his brain messes with him doesn't mean he deserves less respect and support -- on the contrary. He's fought long and hard through this whole experience. I hope he has people around him who appreciate that.

:hi:

[Dora]

276. And I've not seen any disrespect here.

I do think you were inappropriately criticized. I'll chalk it up to unfamiliarity.

I hope for the best for you, your husband, and all your family. I can relate - I was motivated to end a relationship as a result of a switch in meds. That med change and my chemistry gave me the gumption to make the change I thought needed to be made, but I was missing the mechanism for determining my own wants, needs, and consequences for my actions. I lacked the ability to discuss, and I was going to "make up" for my inaction by rendering decisions. This provided me with sorely-wanted definition in an amorphous time.

:hug: :grouphug:

Good health to you and to your husband.

[EFerrari]

279. Thank you, Dora.

:hi:

[hunter]

301. Heh, a little note here, Bronyraurus...

If I leave my wife and she calls me nuts... believe her.

:eyes:

[Bronyraurus]

302. Ha!

Then cheers to you and your wife!

[EFerrari]

328. Lol! Hunter, I love you.

God knows, I'm nuts in my own way, too!

:rofl:

[rhiannon55]

264. I am so sorry

Mental illness is so damned cruel.

My 27-year-old daughter has struggled with mental illness her whole life, so of course, our family has struggled, too. Recently, she got tired of being a mother and left her two beautiful babies with me and my husband and just took off. She stops by now and then to visit. I'm not sure if she is on her meds or not. Her toddler's favorite words these days are "Mama go?"

:hug:

[EFerrari]

271. Oh, no.

:hug:


Well, my mom was ill for a number of years and somehow, my brother and I did okay. Actually, not somehow. We are okay because we knew we were loved by our family. And after she went through treatment that stuck, we have nothing but the highest admiration for her.

[rhiannon55]

281. Thank you--that's encouraging

I am determined that my grandchildren will grow up okay, even with a mentally ill mother.

You must be a very strong person. You have dealt with a close family member's mental illness for your whole life, and you're still able and willing to encourage others.

Here's another:hug:

Peace to you and your furry ones.

[nashville_brook]

270. i wish i could bestow some wisdom from dealing with mental illness

in my family and in my marriage. but i'm not sure i have any. all i feel qualified to do is share my experience...

i've dealt with unreliable, mentally and emotionally ill people ALL MY LIFE (bio-mom left me at the hospital as a days-old infant). the grandmother who raised me, at best, had a fleeting relationship with emotional stability. my last living blood relative is an aunt with pronounced OCD with bipolar affect, that's left the family a frenzied blur where there used to be a wonderful person. last year my partner/husband of 20+ years left the marriage in a spectacular and humiliating break with reality.

in every case, i tried to pick up the pieces and WASN'T rewarded for the effort. there comes a time when a door opens and you have to walk thru it without looking back. seize the day...

without the bio-mom i escaped a childhood of abuse. without the grandmother i was able to flourish in school (living with the aunt). in college i had made the final emotional break with the family, forming a tribe of friends. when the husband broke up the marriage, i lost the old tribe, but have formed a new one.

people betray us, whether thru mental illness, lack of understanding or lack of compassion. if there's a lesson, i think it pertains to self-protection (which is difficult for caregiver types). in my case, the break with the EX was only the beginning of a world of hurt that continues today. the good news is, i don't have to cater to his unending needs anymore. and i will never endure a one-way relationship ever again. life's too short.

mental and emotional illness robbed me of being cared for, so i became a caregiver in order to have some form of CARE in my life. the really awful thing about this is that NO ONE appreciates it... no matter how much they demand it, your caregiving is eventually resented.

i had to pick up the pieces and learn to ACCEPT care from others... i was surprised how difficult (and wonderful) that can be!

:hug:

one little practical thing that helped me in the divorce was to read everything i could resonant with my situation. the best books were ones i picked up at the book store thru chance and free-association. this gave me a vocabulary and a conceptual framework that has really come in handy.

i'm so sorry this happened... be strong (it sounds like you're already there!).

[EFerrari]

274. Yess -- the caregiving elicits resentment.

I used to try and frame the situation as "ours" -- and in fact, it was ours. Family dynamics don't go away just because someone has an Axis II dx. That helped a bit to keep things moving in both directions but at bottom, that is a persistant problem.

It also used to help to think of what I did as facilitation, not the dreaded "caretaking".

In the US, that is a bad word. In other countries, "carers" doesn't have that negative valence. Those Puritans are still messing with us here. :)

[Arugula Latte]

273. ...

:hug:

[Beam Me Up]

275. I've gone through some of this, too, with a partner, sfex --

so I understand some of what you're going through. You have my deepest appreciation and sympathy. As with a death in the family, words fail -- it is very much like that in lots of ways, only it is also very different. A death has a finality about it but a break up, especially one stemming from a deeper psychological problem, isn't so clear. My last partner first disappeared and was missing for weeks before he was found in San Diego -- and then only because he'd overdosed in an apparent suicide attempt. I'll spare you the details -- suffice it to say, I've been there, in my own way and I know how hard it is. All you can do is keep on keeping on and get what support you can from friends, family and professionals just to keep your own head on straight. :hug:

[EFerrari]

280. That is so true. I'm deferring big decisions, like the rest of my life,

until my system settles down. There was no violence this time, but my body didn't seem to know that and well, there were consequences.

:hug:

[KansDem]

277. sfexpat2000, for what it's worth, my sister is considering divorce after 41 years of marriage.

Her husband is suffering from alcoholism. He has tried support groups such as AA and Al-Anon. He has tried treatment, including a 30-day stay at a treatment center. He has taken medications for his mood swings...and violence. Right now he's in jail for the second time due to assault (on my sister). Now, before we judge consider this: He and my sister lost their 28-year-old daughter seven years ago. Her death was alcohol-related. He started his plunge into hell shortly after that. First his drinking increased, then he lost his business. Then his violent behavior emerged.

My sister has had it. The first incident last year put her in the hospital. She's not taking any chances with the recent assault this year and had him arrested. This time he'll be in jail for a few months.

It's all very strange to me. He's 63 years old; she's 60. They started life together full of promise and hope. They married, bought a house, and had two children. He had a good job and they were even able to purchase a cabin at a nearby lake community for weekend retreats. It seemed like they were living the American Dream. But now, with only a decade or so left of life, they are at their lowest point emotionally and financially. I used to think life got better as we grew older--I don't think that anymore, and I suspect she doesn't either. Our mother died at 73: comparing her age to the age our mother died, my sister has mentioned many times in recent months "I've only got 13 years left."

I think she has given up...it just isn't worth it to her anymore.

I'll keep both of you in my thoughts.

[EFerrari]

282. I have felt that way for months, on and off. But my last deal with

life is, I really don't know enough to come to that conclusion -- do I?

My mom's later years have been much, much more satisfying for her than the first 40 turbulent and painful ones.

Thank you, KansDem. My best to you and your family.

[Bronyraurus]

296. People go south

It seems like your sister's husband went south big time. You can't accomodate someone like that, especially someone who is violent!

[faithnotgreed]

390. many hugs to each of you as well kansdem

there are so many forms of terrible illness that people suffer and pretty much everyone has something they are "fighting"
i am sorry for your family - has your sister been to (or does she go to) support groups for her?
as you know they can be immensely helpful for so many emotional and practical reasons so i hope that she has found a good network in some form

please give your sister a hug for all of us (and of course one for you too)

[KansDem]

434. Thanks...

Thank you for your thoughts...

She has sought help. For awhile, she attended several meetings a week (Al-Anon). I don't know what she's doing now, though...

I had a distressing call from her just last night. A couple of nights ago, I unplugged the phone. We have a 14-year-old daughter who has attracted the attention of one kid who doesn't seem to mind calling her late at night. She's usually asleep but the call wakes us all up. So until this young admirer moves on to another target of late-night affection, I've just been unplugging the phone. Well, it seems my sister called late a few nights ago and wanted to speak with me. She was terribly upset. Apparently, only two people know about this recent incident: me and and a co-worker of hers. Even her 40-year-old son who lives in Alaska doesn't know...yet. But when she couldn't get through to me, she became even more upset and despondent. Anyway, she really read me the riot act last night...she really wanted to talk with me about this. I think I'm going to leave the phone "on" at night for awhile.

I guess we really don't know how we touch others until confronted with situations like this one.

[PlanetBev]

284. I've been there, Beth

My mother went crazy seven years ago this month, and out of nowhere, accused me of stealing a sweater of hers. She had misplaced the sweater, but when she found it, she still accused me of stealing it, even though it had never been removed from the house. What's so weird is, I hadn't been to my parents house for weeks.

My mother had always been a violent, abusive, frightening woman, and would take Valium at the drop of a hat. At the time she accused me of stealing, she was mixing Valium and Halcion. She went on a rampage for the next six and one-half years, trying to separate me from my father and my siblings, and get me cut out of the will. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my father cry in the last several years. It was terrible watching him go through this, as he was already seventy-nine years old when this occurred. My mother had pulled this same thing on my dad's mother in 1951, and tried to keep my dad from seeing his parents. Consequently, I only met my grandparents twice. This time my dad really stood up to my mother, instead of enabling her and papering it over, like he always did in the past.

Things are a little better now, partly because my mother is off Valium and having been diagnosed with mild dementia, I don't think she understands or even remembers what havoc she wreaked. The silver lining in this is that my dad, sister, brother and myself have all gotten a lot closer. Also, I am a lot stronger person now, having freed myself from the residual guilt and fear left over from growing up with a mother like this. I have really found my way home, so to speak, through this experience.

I think everything happens for a reason. Best wishes to you Beth, for an even brighter future.

[EFerrari]

308. Yep. The fearfulness can result in some really nasty stuff that

may not even be remembered later. Or, people buy in and think all kinds of things that they never check out. It's especially hurtful when someone you love does this. And, fwiw, the projection goes both ways. My husband can't really hurt me without hurting himself at some level. Oh dear.

(((((((((Your family))))))))))))))

(((((All of our families))))))))))

[Straight Shooter]

286. I'm going to approach this from another perspective.

Believe me, I feel for you, having been married also to a mentally ill person long ago. He was violent, though, so there was little incentive for me to stay.

But for now I'm going to ask if you've done research on the new medication your husband was placed on. How recently has it been introduced into the market? What does the PDR say about it in its black box warning? Who is the manufacturer of this new drug your husband is on? What is their track record when it comes to side effects of medications they put on the market? What kind of clinical trials were conducted, and what were the results of those? You can find abstracts online which will offer a clue maybe as to why your husband reacted as he did. In clinical trials, people can be pulled out of the trial if they exhibit extremely detrimental side effects. This is why I don't trust them, no matter how well-intentioned the trials are, because the results can be skewed.

Also consider your husband's physical characteristics, weight, age, et cetera. Maybe it wasn't the medication, maybe it was the dosage. Drug manufacturers tend to recommend dosage based on an average; perhaps your husband is extra-sensitive to a component of the drug and he needs less of it.

Have you talked to a pharmacist? They can't make recommendations, AFAIK, but they can offer some insight perhaps as to whether one of the meds is interacting with another, or the lingering effects of one med in your husband's body is interfering with the new med or vice-versa.

Finally, are there rumblings in the legal community about lawsuits? (Remember the Halcion debacle?) That will tell you if your situation is unusual, or if the severe side effects of this drug are affecting many others. The acne drug Accutane helped a tremendous number of people, but its side effects were extremely serious in enough people (including suicide) that a class action suit was brought against the manufacturers.

You're one of my favorite DU'ers. My heart goes out to you, but I know you're a fighter.

:hug:

[ProfessorGAC]

290. Boy, That's Good Advice

Sometimes the wrong meds can make someone worse instead of better. I should have thought of that, too.

Good one, SS.
The Professor

[Straight Shooter]

293. I forgot to mention diet, also.

Some foods interfere with medication. I think grapefruit juice interferes with some drugs, but cannot remember which.

In researching that, I came across this article, which deals specifically with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and I'm guessing sfexpat's husband was on at least one of them. Very good info here: http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/topic946.htm

<snip from link:>

"History: Serotonin toxicity is most likely to develop following the initiation of a new serotonergic medication or the increase in dosage of a previously prescribed SSRI.

Symptom onset from SSRI toxicity presents within 2-8 hours after acute ingestion, or it may occur over several days if SS develops from initiation of new therapy or addition of a second serotonergic agent.

History of mental illness, particularly affective disorders, and prior suicide attempts, should be elicited.

Serotonin syndrome (SS) represents a constellation of signs and symptoms that manifest in the neuromuscular, autonomic nervous, and GI systems in which concentrations of 5HT receptors are the highest. SS represents the most severe end of a spectrum of serotonin excess. Diagnostic criteria were developed in 1991 by Sternbach et al to assist in diagnosis. The Sternbach criteria include the following:"

[Pacifist Patriot]

299. My first thoughts. Great questions you've asked.

[EFerrari]

373. The thing is, in reality, a family member has about a 30 second window

to engage the doctor or therapist when we get a window at all.

I was separated from Doug for about a year, and they wound up flying him down to stay with me when I was in Los Angeles. His jaw was clamping shut because he was being overdosed on one of his medications. No one noticed. Not his doctor, not his therapist, not his roommate, not the dear friend handling the transition.

I couldn't cheneying believe it! And there we sat, with no team and no nothing. So, I had to hop on the internets and do my English teacher best to figure out which of his six meds was doing that WHILE I looked for a doctor and WHILE I tried to support him in the terrible shape he was in. I kid you not. That happened.

And that little episode is typical. It could be a little cameo of how our families have to fly by the seat of their invalidated pants all the time. When it comes to mental health, this is a third world country without the native healing lore and rituals. :shrug:

/oops

[Pacifist Patriot]

391. Your last sentence is oh so painfully true!

:hug:

[EFerrari]

394. We can do better and we will.

:hi:

[EFerrari]

330. My husband was also violent after the onset UNTIL THEY GAVE HIM

THE MEDS I BEGGED FOR FOR FIVE YEARS. ARGH!

The tipping over happened when the doctor increased one of the anti depressants by a very small amount. Ka-BOOM.

The trade off for people like my husband is sedation v. anxiety-->fearfulness, impulsivity and so on.

I have respected his wish and have not contacted him or his doctor so, I really don't know what's going on. This isn't finished, though, and at some point I will be back in the loop. I don't know why I know that, but there it is.

Thank you, Straight Shooter. We get through because the alternatives are just not very attractive. :hug:

[Straight Shooter]

346. Sweetie, you are respecting the wish of someone not in his right mind.

Contact his doctor anyway. You are still your husband's wife and best friend. I understand about intruding on someone's space, but he is not capable of making rational decisions as to what is best for him right now.

I do not give the above advice lightly, but from what you've described, there was a dosage error. What would you want your husband to do if the situation were reversed? He isn't thinking clearly now, so you must absolutely do what needs to be done in his best interests.

And I forgot to mention, I am so terribly sorry about your Lab. That must hurt as much as anything else, watching the confusion and misery of a dying companion who feels abandoned. Please give that sweet baby lots of hugs from me.

And one more for you. :hug:

[EFerrari]

351. Oh, I've been in touch with the doc. He's great.

We are in the twilight zone right now. Because he's functional enough to go under the radar if you know what I mean. There will come a point where I might be useful again and I'm just trying to keep up all the peripheral relationships for that eventuality.

By all accounts, he's working and doing okay -- although I'm pretty sure that most people around him don't know "how to look". This is a waiting kind of situation. Believe me, I stopped being shy or correct many years ago. Life is too short to be shy, correct or deferential when your loved one's life is in the balance. "Respecting their space" only ever got us more years of hurt. Not this camper, no way.

And sure -- when my Buddy died, I was devastated. She was my helper for 14 years and the whole family is still grieving her. She was some piece of work, that Princess Buttercup aka "Buddy". :)

[madisongrace]

297. It can happen to anyone. n/t

[EFerrari]

342. Yes, it can. Welcome to DU, madisongrace.

:hi:

[Rex]

298. Sorry to hear that.

Our brains really are fragile little things; physically and mentally. Maybe he will come around eventually. If not then his loss. I had a very similar thing happen to me; we weren't married, but lived together for years and when it went south it happen real fast.

:hug:

[rosesaylavee]

300. You are in my prayers.

Be strong and remember to take care of yourself too.
:hug:

[mzmolly]

304. I'm so sorry.

I wish you both well, and I hope he's REALLY ok, and that you can move on peacefully. :hug:

[CrazyOrangeCat]

306. I'm so very sorry.

My wife of eighteen years has severe bi-polar disorder.

After the first few gut-wrenching months, we are clearly better off, and better friends for having split up.

The money situation . . . I can relate.

I hope with all my heart that things improve for you . . . and I truly believe they will.

God bless.

[EFerrari]

375. This life. Can't live with it or without it.

Thank you, COC. :hug: to you

[hlthe2b]

310. sfexpat2000, I can't fathom why this is happening to you now...

I'll never forget all you did for our Andy and so many others in the DU community. For that alone you surely have earned enough good karma that this must surely be a lesson your husband needs to learn...You,unfortunately, must be along for the ride.

It breaks my heart what this is doing to you. I must admit the description of your dying 10 year old lab, lost and forelorn now that your husband has left, absolutely just broke me up.... My own little girlie dog gets "overhugged" when I hear of things like this...:cry:

All my thoughts are with you and I can only hope that there is a silver lining in all of this for all involved. Hugs to you and mega support from your cyber community.

[EFerrari]

331. Look at this damn thread! I sure love me my moonbats.

:)

Who knows? I literally have been going back in the tablets of my memory to find the horrible thing I did that brought this on. But, I don't think it really works that way.

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe we needed to be shaken like a milkshake out of complacency and into more vigorous action. Maybe there's some greater good that we can find. I don't know.

Hope so.

Btw, is there such a thing as overhugging?

:)

[Swamp Rat]

317. ..

:hug: :hug:

[Catherine Vincent]

321. OMG, I'm just now reading this!

Please stay strong, Beth. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers. :hug:

[EFerrari]

333. Thank you, cat_girl. Isn't DU amazing?

I'm crying a little because you guys are so cool.

:hug:

[MonkeyFunk]

323. I'm sorry

that has to suck. Hang in there.

[Rude Horner]

324. I had almost the exact same experience, sfexpat2000

About a year and a half ago, my wife, who was on medication for depression, felt that her medications weren't working well enough. Her doctor talked her into a study for a new medication that was being done. Unfortunately, to get on this study, she had to be "clean" from her old meds, which involved two weeks of going cold turkey - no depression medication at all. By the end of that two weeks, she had left me and was living at her mothers house, and talking divorce.

I was lucky. Her family likes me, and told her not to make any important decisions during this time. We agreed that we would see her shrink (a different doctor) together, and when her shrink found out what happened after going cold turkey from her old med's, she IMMEDIATELY called the other doctor and reported what happened, and made damn sure that my wife started up on her old meds immediately.

Within a week or so, my wife moved back in with me. We took a long weekend vacation together, and it literally took months to get our relationship back and healing.

I wish you the very best. I know how difficult this is for you.

[EFerrari]

334. A witness! My husband didn't have anyone like that around him but me.

And his therapist takes his reports literally although she is a smart person and should know better.

The last time he decompensated, she asked me, "And what was your contribution?" as if I could reach into his brain and change it. :shrug:

His mom seems to be somewhat autistic so when he called her to report that I was a crazy alcoholic control freak anti-Semite (:wtf: he's Christian!), she just stopped talking to me.

Yikes on wheels.

But, we deal with the family we have, don't we? He called two people in my family to tell them that I needed to go into rehab immediately and they came to check me out. That's when they realized that he was going through a decompensation.

We were all saddened, because we tried hard for years to make all this work. My own family went from being actively hostile to him to working hard to "get it" and to support his efforts. I love them to death. They are the best people I know.


We were always a bad meds adjustment away from this. Somehow, I managed not to know or think about it. Oops. But you know, I don't regret any of this except the really stupid parts. My husband taught me so much about myself and about relationships and about the world. I will always be in his debt for that. Those are precious lessons.

I hope you and yours are enjoying some peace.

[ronnykmarshall]

327. Damn Beth, that sucks!

Will cat pictures help?

:hug:

[EFerrari]

335. Did you adopt her? That's awesome and yes

lol, it helps so much.

:toast:

[ronnykmarshall]

337. Yeah we adopted her last week.

The boys are getting used to her. No fights yet. Just a lot of chasing each other!

[EFerrari]

339. She looks like one of my guys, Sweetie Darling after the AbFab expression

[ronnykmarshall]

340. Fantastic Sweetie!

[smartvoter]

329. Well damn it all to hell.

SF, this sucks. I hope it gets straightened out -- for him as well as you because at some point he's going to realize what he lost.

I will definitely keep my fingers crossed and thoughts in your direction.

[EFerrari]

336. Yeah -- it's like that chapter in "Little Women" where Jo turns Laurie down.

lol -- you just want to say, you're not serious? I think when I got to that part, I restarted the whole chapter because I couldn't handle the disappointment.


Thank you, smartvoter. I'll take all the help I can get.

/oops

[Chorophyll]

338. Wow, you have a wonderful attitude.

Sending hugs and good energy your way.

[EFerrari]

344. DU must be the most compassionate place on these here internets.

I can't even take in what happened on this thread.

You all fill me with hope.

Thank you.

Beth

[sweetheart]

347. .

.

:dog snarfle:

[emdee]

349. I'm so sorry...

my family also deals with mental illness - it is a roller coaster lifestyle that is -as you put it- so tiring. The family hits a brick wall on every side. I hope that everything will be ok for you and him. It's tough. Many, many people don't understand mental illness - I guess that just means they haven't faced it and should be eternally grateful.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,
emdee :pals:

[derby378]

350. I am truly sorry

I hope the transition will not be crippling for you. You have my best wishes.

:hug:

[flamingyouth]

352. Hey, friend

Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you're going through.

We have no safety net for the mentally ill in this country. It is a crime, IMO. Those of us living with chronic illness can relate.

My sympathies to you right now - you'll be in my thoughts. :hug:

[EFerrari]

354. Thank you. No, our safety nets have been eroded by Republicans

who think like St. Ronnie that people who are ill should just shut up and disappear.

It's their family values, you know. :)

:hug:

[nosmokes]

353. good thoughts and prayers anat for you

and your ex and the cats and the lab.

[Lost-in-FL]

356. ((sfexpat2000))

Take care chica!
I really wish the best for you, that things get better with time. :hug:

[WinkyDink]

364. It is not the real man speaking those words. God bless you both.

[Quakerfriend]

365. So sorry, dear. I do understand, as my beloved mother was

bipolar and went undiagnosed until age 76.

None- Not my mother's doctors, her lawyer, the center for the aging, judges, county officials, state legislators (Yes, we asked them for all for help)- did a thing for us or my mother.

Her doctor's and lawyer could have done a great deal but, were afraid of being drawn into a lawsuit I suppose.

Luckily for the six of us- her loving daughters- the local police went above and beyond the call of duty to help us keep her safe. And, in the process protected others in the community from her.

The mentally ill might as well be invisible in this country, right now. Let's hope things turn around soon. There are so many in need.

Please, let us know how things work out for you.:hug:

[EFerrari]

368. Quakerfriend, you must have some stories.

My hope is that we keep the majority and can begin to do right by our mentally ill.

:hug:

[Bjorn Against]

366. I can relate to that situation

My girlfriend recently left me, and she had mental health problems as well. I got an e-mail one day and suddenly she was refusing to talk to me ever again, I am convinced it is because of her illness. It really hurts to even think about her because even though the last time I was able to talk with her she insisted she was doing good, I just don't believe it. When you are around someone who is constantly sad, and then they are suddenly insisting they are doing a lot better the moment they tell you they never want to talk to you again without any real cause then it is not too easy to take their word.

Our relationship was very stressful, and in some ways I think it is for the better that I move on. Yet at the same time I think this was the worst way our relationship could have possibly ended, because I am left worried that she is sitting in her apartment in horrible shape with no one to talk to. I still do care for her and it is just difficult for me to imagine what is going through her head.

So believe me I feel a great deal of sympathy for you because I have spent the last couple months going through a similar ordeal and I know just how difficult it is. We all experience difficulty sometimes, but we need to remember that there are many more opportunities awaiting us in life. I wish you and your ex-husband the best.

[EFerrari]

369. It is really hard not to have some kind of civil resolution when you've

felt close to someone. And more when there's a worry about your partner's ability to navigate this world.

Be well, Mn Against Bush.

:hug:

[yorkiemommie1]

372. Sending hugs to you

and best wishes that you and he get the help you need.

My sister is a ward of the State of Hawai'i but I have been denied access to her by my fundy brother/sil so I do not know how she is doing. I have given to my HP my concerns for her welfare.

[EFerrari]

385. Yeah, that's one channel no one can obstruct.

:hug:

[Missy Vixen]

377. I am so sorry to read this

I wish I had any words of wisdom. All I have is how sad I am that this is happening to you.

All I can think of right now is the photo you posted of your husband several months back -- the one where he's standing on the beach with the inside-out umbrella.

I know you will get through this. I can't help but believe he will bitterly regret this someday.

Julie

[EFerrari]

383. This one. It's very lovely. It won the AP portraiture award that year.

He's very handsome in it although, he's always been very photogenic. It's a great shot. :)

[depakid]

378. BPD is very difficult to deal with

and from what I have read over the years, you've been doing an admirable job. I recently had a person close to me go into an acute manic phase, where she became quite paranoid and hostile. People in the online community she belongs to noticed this, and cut her a lot of slack, and will be there for her when she gets out of the hospital.

Hopefully, this is just a phase as well, and he'll come back to his senses, so to speak.

[EFerrari]

382. We do today, right?

It's funny how these situations remind us of the obvious. lol

[JerseygirlCT]

386. Oh I'm so sorry!

That must have been world-shattering, truly.

I've a dear friend who is dealing with a great deal of mental illness in her immediate family. The stress on her is unbelievable. And I think it hurts even more when she bumps up against the realization that she can't DO anything to fix things. All she can do is continue to take care and to worry and to have it eat at her -- because she loves people who are sick, and because we don't have enough help to offer them.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

[EFerrari]

410. Thank you, Jerseygirl. It is very stressful to be in our families.

As in, hair losing kind of stressful.

But, if we're going to make it, we have to learn how to manage that stress. We have to.

There are many good tools for us. We just have to find a single second to be able to focus on them.

It's like ballet in a way. lol

I hope your friend finds the peace and support she needs to manage. I hope we all do.

:hug:

[JerseygirlCT]

424. I do too,

I'll be thinking of you.

(edited to take your first name out of the title... just in case that's not your preference.)

[Geek_Girl]

388. My EX Husband was Bi Polar

But he wouldn't acknowledge it or doing anything about it. In the end I left him I couldn't take the roller coaster ride. I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband and I hope things work out for you.


:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

389. I went there once when I was manic. :^( I hope things will work out for the best for

both of you. *hugs and prayers*

[EFerrari]

404. Thank you, comrade. Let's see how we do.

Here's to all of our families dealing with this stuff. :toast:

[bleever]

392. Still thinking about you, sending good vibes.

((((((((((((beth))))))))))))

[Melissa G]

397. ((((((((((((((((( ( ( ( ( ( ( Beth ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )))))))))))))))))

and lots of warm fuzzies!:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:loveya::yourock::loveya::yourock::loveya::yourock:
:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::
loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:

[EFerrari]

401. LOL! Look at THAT!

LOL!

THANK YOU.

:loveya:

[Melissa G]

398. ((((((((((((((((( ( ( ( ( ( ( Beth ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )))))))))))))))))

and lots of warm fuzzies!:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:loveya::yourock::loveya::yourock::loveya::yourock:
:loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::
loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:

[EFerrari]

405. Look at this thread. So many people dealing with this stuff with no support.

Thank you, bleever. It's been a pretty rough time.

[autorank]

393. That's a total shame. I'm very sorry to hear you were treated this way.

We've known each other for a fair amount of time and you've always been great with me, even if we
didn't exactly agree on an important point. This is a real shock and a lot to bear. The business of taking money, posessions may give the other party temporary satisfaction but it does not last long. Judges really hate this nonsense and it comes back to bit the other person pertty hard. Hang in there.

He's the loser here.

:hi:

[EFerrari]

400. It's a shame, autorank. But, what are we to do -- life is risk.

It has been very amazing to listen to DU stories and to read them.

We're very lucky, you know.

:hi:

[OregonBlue]

395. Oh My! I wish you every blessing. I too am dealing with extreme mental

illness. My son and his wife are both bi-polar and they have two small children. It is so exhausting, so depressing, so demoralizing. I really feel for you.

There comes a time when you have to stop worrying about how he is and to start worrying about how you are. As someone who has been going through it for many years I know that you two must be at the breaking point.

Please find someone to talk to. Please reach out to those of us here who know how you are suffering. Feel free to email me any time you need to talk. Without friends, it can truly overwhelm us and make us CRAZY.

Love and Bless you.

[EFerrari]

402. I think that "crazy" is a benchmark I passed long ago, OregonBlue.

I have a great support group and also, apparently, DU.

Read the stories on this thread. We are all here in some way.

Strength and love to you.

Beth

[OregonBlue]

431. Glad you have people to talk to. From your post I would say you are

very very sane, just stressed to the MAX. I wish you all of the best!

[truedelphi]

396. Well that SOoo totally sucks

Can't these bad things happen to Bush's darling daughters or to Cheney's wife or to somebody other than the best people in the world?

>>took all the money

So you are now without your Sweetie, and you're left without the everyday moolah that expresses your worth (YOUR ONLY WORTH!) to the outside world

Well to us you are WORTH EVERYTHING

Tell us what you need and how we can help (and yes, we will consider the plight of the mentally ill as well -as we are all just one slip in the shower stall away fromn being totally mental ourselves)

[EFerrari]

399. In all honesty, I'm just glad the last few months are history and

that I get to read you guys. That's such a gift.

I'm okay. And, that's a lot, isn't it? That means I get to eat and have heat in January and can feed the animals and can think about what might be a good project. That's everything, when you think about it.

:hug:

[carolinayellowdog]

407. You are SO loved

That's the message friends and family give us when we're bereaved, to help us through, and what your DU friends and family are giving you now. Whether or not the love of one has been lost, the love of many is forever yours. Remember that.

[EFerrari]

409. I am so grateful to you all.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[truedelphi]

430. Heat in January

In California, are we even supposed to need heat for extended times in January?

We needed an ice pick up here in the hills the other day

[EFerrari]

433. I think this is what other people call "winter"!

I've needed gloves on morning walks for most of the last week. It seems to be warming back up a little.

[Richard Steele]

413. That really sucks. I know you've been dealing with this for a long time now.

I have no words; I'd be an idiot if I offered any.
I suspect there are none.

So, I'll just offer :hug:

[EFerrari]

414. Thank you, my friend.

Let's upset Bin Reilly again and soon. :evilgrin:

[timtom]

420. I don't usually reply to posts of this nature

but this one makes me feel like crying. (I'm a pretty emotional person.)

For what it's worth, I'm so very very sorry that this is what life dealt you after your obvious show of good faith.

I truly hope that it is merely the opening of a door to a richer, more fulfilling life.

[fleabert]

421. I'm so sorry.

For you both, and your family. My mom is going thru a manic phase right now. It's incredibly hard, I know I can't understand exactly what you are going thru, but I think I am in the same ballbark, or at least the same sport. Mental illness just tears up everyone it touches. :hug: I am really sorry.

My offer for coffee sometime still stands- pm me anytime. My treat.

[EFerrari]

426. fleabert, I'm sorry about your mom. Darn these big brains

and all the trouble they get up to.

:hug:

/oops