March 3, 2006
It is time for our New Rules!
All right. New Rule: Hey, wild girls, when you're taking your shirt off, you don't have to stick your tongue out to prove you're fun! You're taking your shirt off. That's all the fun we need.
New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
New Rule, and this one is for the kids: Kids, if you're going to bring cocaine to class, make sure you bring enough for everyone. This week, a second-grader in Philadelphia brought 18 bags of cocaine to school and passed it around. Boy, there's a switch. Going in the sandbox and getting "crack in your sand." Then at recess, one kid tried to fly a kite, but he'd done so much blow, he couldn't get it up.
New Rule: Leave Jessica Simpson alone! She's not sleeping with that Maroon 5 guy or Jude Law or the cast of "Jackass." This little tramp is.
But Jessica Simpson is just an old-fashioned, gorgeous starlet trying to find her way in Hollywood. So hang in there, Jess. I'll be home around midnight.
New Rule: Stop giving free stuff to the Oscar presenters.
CARTER: Yes.
MAHER: This year, the Oscar gift bag is worth $110,000! Rich movie stars don't need that kind of clutter. Between the jewels, the shoes, the iPods and the skis, there's barely room in Tom Cruise's closet for Tom!
And finally, New Rule: If you look like this: and you marry this: , then you get this: . That's right. This week, Anna Nicole Smith went to the Supreme Court.
Now, if you don't know the story, back in 1991, a fairytale happened. Howard Marshall was an elderly Texas billionaire with everything Anna Nicole liked: a warm smile, a ready laugh and several major organs on the verge of shutting down. He met her at a strip club, and it must have been fate, because although she was pretty, she was too fat to work the night shift. And although he was horny, he was too old to be out at night. It was like Romeo and Juliet, only if Romeo was barely ambulatory and Juliet worked the day shift at Hooters.
Anyway, they began "carbon-dating," and fell "head-over-ventilator" in love. You'll catch on. Anyway, soon after they married, he died, and the man who has been fighting Anna for her husband's fortune all these years is Howard's son, Pierce. The poster boy for why we should never repeal the estate tax.
I don't get it. We tax everything in this country. They take it when you make it; they take it when you spend it; gas, food. But dying? Too soon. I think that's the best time to tax people, when they have less need for their money due to the whole "being dead" thing. Real conservatives should support Anna Nicole in this case, because she worked for it. Pierce just waited for his father to die. She took the initiative and screwed him to death.
She earned it. Night after night, she stroked his tiny, shriveled penis until little puffs of air came out the end. I mean, come on. Sex with an 89-year-old is like being on "Fear Factor." If you don't throw up, you get the prize money. I don't think I want to live in a country where young girls grow up believing that getting breast implants and becoming strippers is nothing but a dead end. Not only is it a man's right to be sexed to death by a gold-digger but I believe under the Bush energy plan, it's actually deductible.
And when you're — and when you're a rich Texas oilman, there's only two ways you want to go out: serviced by Anna Nicole Smith or shot in the face by Dick Cheney.
All right, thank you very much. You're a great crowd. I want to thank my guests, D.L. Hughley, Dana Priest, Graydon Carter, Bob Baer, Harry Anderson and Michael Brown. And thank you, Melissa Rivers. She'll be on the "Academy Awards Fashion Wrap this Monday at 8:00." Happy Birthday, Mom!! Thank you, folks.
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