Here's a crazy theory about Claude Allen

[Ian David]

What if Claude Allen did something so reprehensible that even Bush knew he had to fire the guy?

I mean, something worse than drowning an entire city. Something like getting caught receiving a blow-job from an intern. The kind of thing that is anti-family, you know?

So, then Bush and KKKarl are stuck with a dilemma. If he "leaves to spend more time with his family," people will get suspicious.

They need a cover story and a distraction.

He can't shoot a guy in the face-- Cheney already used that one.

So, they tell him to go get caught shoplifting or something.

And so he does.

He goes to Target and steals about $5,000 worth of stuff. Sometimes items worth as little as $2.50.

So now, we "know" why Claude Allen resigned. He was caught shoplifting.

The media, the bloggers, and the late-night comics have a field day and stop looking for other possible reasons.

Meanwhile, nobody tests Claude Allen's leisure suit for Jeff Gannon's semen.

Nobody wonders why he rented a storage unit filled with giant Rubbermaid bins.

Nobody asks if his Filipino maid had a green card, or why she mysteriously disappeared.

All anyone is talking about is, "Bush's chief Domestic Policy adviser was shop-lifting at Target while he was working in The White House."

Is this the real reason why he did it?

Did Claude get caught shoplifting as a cover for the real reason Bush wanted him to resign?

Some people say.

All of this is absolutely pure speculation.

You don't need evidence if you have the right inflection.

[Canuckistanian]

1. Hmmmm...

Yeessss, a little TOO cut and dried, I'd say. Besides, there are much worse things than theft.

You may have something there. We'll probably hear about the real story in 25 years when the documents are declassified.

[Ian David]

4. Of course, it could be a pathological "cry for help"

Maybe he's so guilty about something-- like drowning a city, or cheating on his wife with a gay male prostitute named Jeff Gannon-- that he felt compelled to shoplift, rather than carefully crafting and calculating it as part of a master plan.

Folks are saying.

[Canuckistanian]

5. That was my first thought.

But I think it must be something else. Something dark, that respectable people don't discuss openly.

At least, that's what the folks are saying.

[Ian David]

7. It must be something gay. It's the only thing Republicans bother to hide

Their theivery, lies and financial scandals are all right out there in the open-- hidden in plain sight.

The only things they actually try to hide are their closeted little Brokeback romances.

"Jeff Gannon, I can't quit you..."

[MissWaverly]

8. Maybe he just wanted out of the GITMO Party

[tularetom]

2. Wow - That's really tin foilly!

I'd have to give them credit for coming up with a diabolical scheme to cover up the real problem but after the way they've screwed up Iraq, War on Terra, Katrina, Social Security, and every other thing they've touched, I doubt they are smart enough to dream up something this convoluted.

[harpo]

11. yeah that's pretty out there...no offense

[NYC]

3. Two things. One is that he started this shoplifting/refund fraud

months ago (at least). If they wanted to use shoplifting as an excuse, it could have been a one day extravagant event, caught redhanded, large dollar value item.

The other is that I think this all seems weird, so I suspect this is more of a RICO situation. Maybe it was Claude Allen and others in some kind of organized shoplifting ring. So, we are satisfied with the shoplifting allegation while there is much more going on underneath.

Shoplifting may be only a small part of it.

It just doesn't seem right that the man was so desperate for money that he shoplifted $5,000 from Target over the course of a year. How would that improve the financial situation of a man who has a $985,300 house? I think there is more to this.

[Ian David]

6. Maybe he was mad because Target was attacking Christmas?

Sure, Target refused to carry emergency contraception...

...but isn't it more important to say "Merry Christmas" in all your advertising than to protect the un-born anyway?

Maybe we can blame Henry Ford and Bill O'Reilly?

Yes, this was going on for months.

That could have been part of the plan all along. To make it look more like he was sick.

Here's another theory:

Maybe all those things he was stealing were being diverted to a "Kept Woman" (or "Kept Man") at his secret Love Nest in Georgetown?

Some people say.

[NYC]

9. Secret love nest could explain it easily.

Whether he could afford the items or not, he would want to conceal the expenditures from his wife. That would explain long term shoplifting.

[SmokingJacket]

10. sorry, wrong reply!

[SmokingJacket]

12. He could be a genuine kleptomaniac...

if he is, the government's story could make sense.

But for some reason... I don't buy it.

I think there is something else to this story, but I can't imagine what it is. Your theory is as good as any.

It's like they wanted this guy gone, no questions asked (shoplifting is one of those shameful crimes that you don't want to talk about, but you can't get worked up about either). Buh-bye!

Watch for a new scandal to start leaking out pretty quick here....

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

13. It's crazy and doesn't make sense. If that were true, it'd be easier and

draw less attention for dude to just resign to "spend more time with the family" etc. and hope people didn't notice and that whatever other scandal would not be found out or go away quietly.

To be arrested for shoplifting guarantees some attention, all negative, and news coverage. It would merely increase the likelihood of a more serious scandal or crime being discovered simply from scrutiny of the man.

I don't think this guy was that high profile, I'd never heard of him prior to this, I'm sure many of the political junkies here at DU were well aware of him, but it's only the shoplifting, not the resigning, that brought him onto my radar screen.

[NYC]

16. Bush nominated him for 4th Circuit Court of Appeals judge.

He worked for James Baker's Baker & Botts from 1991 to 1995.

N.O.W.
http://www.now.org/issues/judicial/allen.html

P.F.A.W.
http://www.pfaw.org/pfaw/general/default.aspx?oid=12690

P.F.A.W.'s general address. Type "allen" in search box.
http://www.pfaw.org

He kept a pretty low profile, but he's been active.

[hang a left]

14. I have been so busy trying to read between the lines on all the

other stories out there I hadn't thought about his one yet.

You know, you are probably right. We should find out pretty soon I would guess. Any sleuths out there digging?

[politicat]

15. It was his EEE-vil twin brother, dammit.

It's the only real answer.

(and yes, they may try to fly this.... NPR, All Things Considered, today, 13 March.)

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

17. Um, do identical twins have identical fingerprints as well?

Of course, I am assuming that he was fingerprinted when he was picked up for shoplifting. Or maybe that wasn't done because of his position in Bush's cabal...

[politicat]

18. No, ident. twins only have similar fingerprints.

But it works on Passions!