She died too young.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

She died too young,
My baby Sister.

Chained to medicaid.
To the Government Dole.

Hepatitis and psychosis
ripped at her soul.

Her children watched her crumble.

Her mother, father, brother and sister
watched her fall
without thinking it was real.

And then we found her dead.
A tea glass resting on her chest.
A half a joint in the ashtray.

Her poodle crying in the corner.

She kept a journal
for most of her life.

One of the last entries
was an instruction
to tell her creditors
to go fuck themselves.

She lived good
and hit hard times.

She is an American
and suffered for it.

Medicine and Doctors could have helped.

She could have lived





If she had cash.


I love you, Chris,
I miss you.





TYJ

[TomInTib]

1. Man, that is strong...powerful...

Ain't that America

[lavenderdiva]

2. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Words don't seem adequate. Let me just say that my heart goes out to you after your sister's passing. Your words are beautiful, tragic, and powerful. I'm so sorry that her situation was so dire, and her circumstances so sad. So many are suffering in similar situations, and nothing seems to change.

You and your family will be in my prayers. Rest in peace TYJ's little sister. :hug: :cry: :hug:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

4. It took five years for this to come out in this way...

I have written a lot about her, but this is the only thing I have put out for public consumption.

I haven't cried while reading what I have written in quite some time. I felt this was the piece worth sharing for her.

Thank you.

[lavenderdiva]

15. five years...

and your heart is still breaking. But perhaps putting your pain into words can help you heal. Both of my parents died within 4 months of each other 10 years ago. I haven't been able to write about it, and still deal with the sadness and pain of losing them. When someone loses a family member, or someone close to them, you then understand this particular type of pain that then becomes a part of your life. I don't know if it ever goes away. But I don't cry all the time like I did. And I don't have to take anti-depressants for the major depression I was diagnosed with at the time. I don't cry every single time I smell my mother's perfume anymore (just sometimes). I can laugh about funny things they did, and smile most times, when I say I miss them. If that is any indication of baby steps in the progression of healing, then I am making headway. You will too. It just takes time, and lots of hugs, and knowing that they wouldn't want you to be sad.

Perhaps writing would help me too. I am so glad that it is helping you, and that you shared this poem with us tonight. Thank you. :hug:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

26. It took a while. I've written reams about Christina...

I never thought any piece was worth sharing until tonight.

With a bunch of veritable strangers, but so many who I hold dear, I guess it is time for me to bury yet another piece. Maybe lighten the load of what I try to carry.

Everyone is different. I write. It's what I do. You may be different. You will know when and what to do when the time comes for you to pass the pain off.

All my best to you.

[Anywho6]

3. Peace to you, TYJ

I'm very sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

C

[midnight]

5. Beautifully said.

A great message from one who has first had experience of what happens to those the government ignores. Can you imagine if the millions of dollars we spend killing people in the name of democracy, blah,blah,blah was spent on its citizens.

[Lin]

6. sincere sympathy for this all too common tragedy-hoping you find strength

[MadisonProgressive]

7. TYJ

My heart goes out to you and yours. I hope you take this in the way it's meant. I'm happy that she got to smoke half of that joint.

Bless her heart and soul. It won't be long before we all join her.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

9. I'm glad as well.

I smuggled her stash out of her apartment before her parents found it and got rid of it in an almost religious way.

I did burn one for her out of it (It was small, she didn't have much money and said it helped her with the discomfort of the Hep).

In my view of things, she's already with us. She's part of the air we breathe, the birds we hear and the Springtime growth you enjoy in these months.

There's a balance that is there whether we would like to see it or not and it's inescapable.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Divine Discontent]

8. my deepest condolences

for your loss! my brother is suffering under the reign of medicaid controlled treatment of where he can go, who he can see (his DOC is not even practicing at the HOSPITAL he has to go to!!!)

so I feel your pain,
My prayers fo blessing your family during such a painful time...

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

10. This happened five years ago.

It's something that I deal with practically daily.

Thank you for your kindness, and I wish your Brother and those close to him well.

[Divine Discontent]

20. that is very kind of you to write back... peace... n/t

[NMMNG]

11. A testament to the way America cares for those with disabilities.

Poignant and heartbreaking. :cry:





Those who determine "benefits" should be ashamed of themselves.

[Punkingal]

12. Powerful and touching....

:hug:

[EFerrari]

13. I never met my sister in law.

She was Doug's only sib, the only girl.

The road I went down with Doug
no one went down with her.

She did that alone
until she didn't.

She was so young.

She was only 25.

Medicine and doctors
and a loudmouthed sister in law could have helped.
But that was more than ten years away.

For Marissa. For her life and all the precious lives.

Never again. Not on our watch.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

14. I read you.

Thanks and I so understand. Hugs to you and yours.

I'm staying up because I don't think this is finished yet.

[EFerrari]

16. Stay with it.

[alittlelark]

17. That half joint in the ashtray.........

at least she went out happy.

I'm so sorry, but it is hard to live in ones mind sometimes.:hug:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

18. Part two:

It was January.

A cold rain fell and we played Enya.

Her children rode with me to the cemetery.
I made Promises.

The crowd was strange.
Her parent's friends from church,
Her friends from the street,
And people in between.

The drugs had made her heavy
and the mud was slick.

I panicked thinking
I might drop her.

And fall into the hole.

Introducing her to the earth
moments too soon.

And maybe dying in the process.

It didn't happen.
Nothing did.

The service went as planned.









I left and made talk with wealthy people who remembered her from Sunday School.



But wouldn't have given her the time of day.


Until she paid her price.

[EFerrari]

19. . . . .

[alittlelark]

28. You did not slip.

:cry:



YOU did not slip.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

30. I did slip....

But I did not drop the casket.

[northofdenali]

21. ...

:hug::cry::hug:

[Lone_Star_Dem]

22. I'm moved by your words and humbled by your experience

I hope she numbed some of what she fought against with her final dose of self-prescribed medication.

Your words speak for too many Americans, far too many for this 'civilized' country. :hug:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

24. She died in peace. Her glass of Sweet Tea rested upright on her

chest when we found her.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

23. For readers of this thread from someone more talented than me:

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who prey upon them with IBM eyes
And sell their hearts and guts for martinis at noon.
There are men too gentle for a savage world
Who dream instead of snow and children and Halloween
And wonder if the leaves will change their color soon.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who anoint them for burial with greedy claws
And murder them for a merchant's profit and gain.
There are men too gentle for a corporate world
Who dream instead of candied apples and ferris wheels
And pause to hear the distant whistle of a train.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who devour them with eager appetite and search
For other men to prey upon and suck their childhood dry.
There are men too gentle for an accountant's world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And search for beauty in the mystery of the sky.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who toss them like a lost and wounded dove.
Such gentle men are lonely in a merchant's world,
Unless they have a gentle one to love.

James Kavanaugh.

[rwenos]

25. Do Not Ask for Whom the Bell Tolls

It tolls for thee.

Condolences. It's easy to see at times like this why Christians refer to our life on Earth as "this vale of tears."

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

29. I can't get past Hemingway when someone mentions "For Whom The Bell Tolls"

But have to think hard to remember Donne, who also wrote the wonderful "Do Not Go Gently."

PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill,
as that he knows not it tolls for him;
and perchance I may think myself so
much better than I am,
as that they who are about me,
and see my state,
may have caused it to toll for me,
and I know not that.
The church is Catholic,
universal, so are all her actions;
all that she does belongs to all.

When she baptizes a child,
that action concerns me;
for that child is thereby connected to that body which is my head too,
and ingrafted into that body whereof I am a member.
And when she buries a man, that action concerns me:
all mankind is of one author, and is one volume;
when one man dies, one chapter is
not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language;
and every chapter must be so translated;
God employs several translators;
some pieces are translated by age,
some by sickness,
some by war,
some by justice;
but God's hand is in every translation,
and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves
again for that library where every book shall lie open to one
another.
As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not
upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come,

so this bell calls us all;

but how much more me,

who am brought so near the door by this sickness.
There was a contention as far as a suit (in which both piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled),

which of the religious orders should ring to prayers
first in the morning;
and it was determined,

that they should ring first that rose earliest.

If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer,
we would be glad to make it ours by rising early,
in that application,
that it might be ours as well as his,
whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth;
and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that this occasion wrought upon him,

he is united to God.

Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises?
but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out?

Who bends not his ear to any bell?

Which upon any occasion rings?
But who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this
world?

No man is an island, entire of itself;

every man is a piece of the continent,

a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less,
as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

it tolls for thee.

Neither can we call this a begging of misery,
or a borrowing of misery,
as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves,
but must fetch in more from the next house,
in taking upon us the misery of our neighbours.
Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did,
for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it.

No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it,
and made fit for God by that affliction.
If a man carry treasure in bullion,
or in a wedge of gold,
and have none coined into current money,
his treasure will not defray him as he travels.
Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it,
but it is not current money in the use of it,
except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it.

Another man may be sick too,
and sick to death,
and this affliction may lie in his bowels,
as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him;
but this bell, that tells me of his affliction,

digs out and applies that gold to me:
if by this consideration of another's danger I take mine own into contemplation,
and so secure myself,
by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.

John Donne

(Formatted by moi)

Better known:

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

[EFerrari]

32. The good doctor did well, but Will did better:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters where it alteration finds.
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, no. It is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is a star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.
Love is not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending syckle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ nor no man ever loved.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

55. Thank you!

*chills*

I still love the Bard.

[EFerrari]

63. No impediments, baby.

:hug:

[Stephanie]

27. wow!

those are some wrenching words.

all the best to you. stay strong.

[me b zola]

31. "If she had cash"

More and more people are waking up to the ugly fact that we are locked out of medical care because of lack of cash.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, but am very grateful that you shared it with us. May peace be with you :hug:

[usregimechange]

33. kick for sis!

[Swamp Rat]

34. .

:hug:

[Bozita]

35. I fear I'm on a similar road with an adult bipolar daughter on Medicaid

She takes a dozen different kinds of pills. Lets say she's supposed to take them.

What she takes, the quantity, and when she takes them are always subject to instant revision.

Her Medicaid HMO is a fucking joke.

Getting her to an appointment on time is a major challenge, every time. The bi-polar thing is not caretaker-friendly.

I fear we're in a downward spiral. Her diabetes problem is now compounded by extremely erratic eating habits. That changes her mood and ?

I'm very sorry about the loss of your little sister. I see some similarities and I don't want to continue down this road.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

36. That all sounds so familiar. I'm sorry, Bozitra.

[Mnemosyne]

37. Tom, I am so sorry for your loss of Chris, even though

five years have passed I know the pain will linger for many more.:hug:

This is such a loving thread I feel blessed to even read it. There is so much I can relate to in it also.:grouphug::cry:

Thank you Tom for sharing this piece of your heart.:hug:

vickiss






Medicaid sucks. They torture and often kill those that cannot fight back. :grr:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

48. "They torture and often kill those that cannot fight back."

That is it in a nutshell. Thanks.

[Mnemosyne]

59. You are welcome Tom. It is personal for me, I've been trying to

fight them a long time and am losing my energy. It's been a long hard battle and I am tired. They should all rot in a special hell for the torment of Chris and anyone that has suffered from their torture.

38. you have a way with words - thanks for sharing the poem

Young boys run back and forth from the gold brick wall to the green fence, Johnny come back.

[lapislzi]

39. Powerful stuff...

You have chosen a powerful medium for your expressions. Keep it up, keep writing.

Your heart shines through like shook foil.

[Suziq]

40. I Am at a Loss . . .

for words. What country am I living in . . .

:hug: :cry:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

51. It's not the one that I grew up in.

Greed and hate seem to have grown here in monumental proportions.

[Coexist]

41. .

[sinkingfeeling]

42. Beautiful words. I hope that writing them eases your pain.

[mdmc]

43. worthy

[mdmc]

46. thanks for sharing

[Just Me]

44. Sad.

:(

:hug:

[dave29]

45. beautiful

n/t

[Brazenly Liberal]

47. Damn them. DAMN THEM. DAMN. THEM. ALL. TO HELL. NOW!

Forgive me, my anger makes me inarticulate near to the point of indecipherable, but DAMN THEM ALL TO FUCKING HELL AND BACK!

I wish I had words that could comfort you, but I'm consumed with anger at the FREAKING SHITHEELS.

"She could have lived if she had cash"

Civilized nation, my ass!

[area51]

49. "Civilized nation, my ass!"

Well said. I agree w/your anger. It's absolutely insane that for the amount of taxes we pay that we are a barbaric nation w/o universal healthcare.

Re: the OP: I'm so sorry for your loss, TYJ.

[EFerrari]

67. Mine, too.

We really need to look out for each other. We really, really have to know that.

[Solly Mack]

50. Powerful!

k/r

[Frank Cannon]

52. Good Lord. This is so sad.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. This is a heartfelt, powerful post. Thank you for sharing it, no matter how painful it is for you.

[Blue_Tires]

53. ttt

very touching

[HeeBGBz]

54. That made me tear up

Because it seems like it may be a future for many of us who live one day at a time, paycheck to paycheck, one illness away from total disaster.

[WinkyDink]

56. Peace to you, TYJ, and to your beloved sister.

God bless you.

[spooky3]

57. my deepest condolences--and please take care of her dog

her most loyal friend is grieving and frightened too

[VOX]

58. Wow. TYJ, I am dumbstruck. Any one of us could be your sister...

And I hope you understand that I do not mean to diminish or appropriate her suffering and death in any way.

What I mean is this: It's not all that hard in this society to fall on hard times, then harder times, then desperate times. Only a paycheck or two stands between most of us and homelessness, for starters. We are also cursed to live in a country that, for the most part, doesn't really give a damn for those less fortunate. Well, we're trying to change that.

All peace to you, and may your memories of your sister include many happy ones. :hug:

[laruemtt]

60. that is so beautiful, TYJ.

i know her spirit is wrapped around you, wanting to give you peace. :hug:

[Cobalt Violet]

61. Did she die of Hepatisis C?

Am I reading this right?

"She could have lived" ??

Why if doctors and medicine could have helped did they not? Was it just a question of cash?



I'm really sorry about your loss. I'm affraid of this. It's like a time bomb that will go off someday. Am I'm reading this right?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

64. Hep B

You get crap care if you can't pay the bills. She also had other problems that ate up her funds.

I'm afraid it's going to become more and more common.

[Cobalt Violet]

68. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel just terrible for her too.

Your right about crap care. You get no care or crap care if you can't pay.

It will get more common. Especially if republicans remain in any position of power. I don't think they are even fit to be dog catcher.

I know that I am priced right out of health care. I can't afford the $300.00 bi weekly to buy it from work. I can't afford to go and pay either with the outrageous prices. I have hep. C and it's only a matter of time. This is why what happend to your sister realy struck a nerve with me. Otherwise I do a pretty good job of just ignoring the fact that I'm ill.


I believe that this is an intentional plan to lower the life expectancy in this country to save on Social Security.

[KT2000]

62. Oh my........

I am so sorry.
I think we can accept that there is illness and early death. What we cannot accept is the unnecessary and seemingly intentional injustice. That is what sears our souls.
As her loved one though, you softened those hard edges for her. Maybe there is some peace in knowing that.

[Vadem]

65. Tom, you had me crying! I cry for your sister.......and wish you...

and her peace in heaven.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

66. Thank you.