I was almost sent to Gitmo today! No, seriously! Well, almost seriously…
About a month ago, a Canadian blogger had pointed
me to a
web site by Alex Kateberg, who calls himself a comedy writer and on the occasion of a French alpine skier winning a gold medal at the Olympics, wrote this:
“The Olympic downhill winner was France’s Antoine Deneraiz . It wasn’t really fair how they got the French guy to win. Before the race started they told Antoine the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain. “Maybe Kaseberg finds that funny, but I don’t. So I wrote a
comment or
two about it, and meant to email him directly. But I got busy, and I didn’t do it right away.
But I finally got some time to do it today! Boy, did that turn out into something!
So here is my first email to him:
I have read your “jokes” about the French being cowards.
So exactly what do you call someone who would not even let others post comments on what is supposed to be a blog?
You spit on the tombs of our dead, but you would not dare letting us respond!
Talk about being a coward! His response: predictable, since all French bashers
do it they accuse us of not having a sense of humor:
And they say the French don’t have a sense of humor . . Alright, maybe I don’t have a sense of humor. But since you find that so funny, would you do the same kinds of jokes about any other nationality? This is my response to him:
Since you find it funny to spit on the tombs of dead soldiers, I dare you to do this:
- Make a joke about the quick 1993 American “exit” of Somalia after an American soldier was dragged by a rope through the streets of Mogadishu, Somalia.
- Make a joke about the evacuation of American troops in Lebanon after they were bombed in 1983.
- Make a joke about the 2,300 dead soldiers in Iraq. As you mentioned in your blog, looks like you’re looking for an “exit” strategy there too…
We’ll see how courageous you are! At that time, it looks like he’s the one who lost his sense of humor. Here is his response. Warning: Alex has some colorful language…
Listen carefully:
Go fuck yourself up your shitty unwiped hairy asshole you motherfucking cocksucking French asshole dog cock licking brother ass fucking coward German blowing camel sucking puzz head. Told you… My turn:
And they say Americans don’t have a sense of humor… :) Alright, that’s when things got interesting. His response:
If you e-mail me again I will get a restraining order from the police that will go on your record.
We have a couple things cowards like you third world pussy country don’t have called freedom of speech and protection from harassment as a result.
Seriously, you are an ugly, ungroomed, smelly asshole fucking coward.
You email me again and see if I am kidding. Ouch, I’m scared! My response:
I see!
Looks like I touched a nerve… apparently, there are limits to your sense of humor. Happy to hear that. :)
And you’re either a complete idiot or you have no idea what it means to publish your email address on a public web site! Now the guy is seriously threatening. I don’t know what sort of web site he went to, but he comes back with that:
This was from the FCC. See, you win a couple wars, you got some power. I cut and pasted this from their e-mail:
“Gaoland.net at Boulogne-Billancourt 86.64.11 has just been notified by the United States to an agent at the Federal Communication Commission and will be sanctioned for International Internet freedom of Speech harassment, re: the FCC Internet Protection act of 1997. As a result, an investigation has begun and your Internet access will be suspended immediately until a judgment can be reached within three to six months. Any attempt at contacting Mr. Kaseberg again will result in further charges and a possible permanent suspension as well as possible a criminal charges.” My response:
Just checking if my Internet is still working…
Pfew! It’s still there :)
By the way, you know where Boulogne-Billancourt is, right?
LOL. OK, you thought it was fun up to now? You’ve seen nothing yet! He’s apparently checked my personal web site, and he tells me that I look like General Tommy Franks. He even attaches
this picture to the email.
Smiley face and an LOL and you’re French. You really have won the douchebag trifecta. And ironic that a Frenchman would bare an amazing resemblance to our brave general. And then:
No lie, the FCC Internet protection act was passed in 1997, but it was very weak, but after September 11th it was given teeth along with the Patriot Act to allow easier investigation into threats to people in the US via foreign e-mail to allow quicker pursuit of terrorists against the US. Now the chances of any serious prison or jail is remote or non-existent but after a filing of a report, as I have filed against you, and during the investigation into any and all terrorist-related threats, your internet access will be shut down completely for the entire investigation and it can also result in nasty legal fees. The more you email me the better the evidence against you. So keep sending the snippy letters. The investigation will begin next week so until then, get online as much as you can and check out all those teen porn sites you like so much. The reason I know this is my college roomate is a big shot at the FCC in D.C. and he owes me many times. My response:
I’m so scared! :) Now the real threats. I’m good for Gitmo. No, seriously:
Maybe now you’re not scared, but clearly you don’t live in post 9-11 USA.
I gave you several chances to stop responding and you ignored them so I had no choice but to put this investigation into progress. Maybe to you now a United States Federal investigation into a foreign based abusive threat to a US citizen doesn’t seem like a big deal, but there is a island full of folks at Camp X-Ray full at Gitmo who would argue that point. Are you going to end up in a military prison? No, but I sure hope all of your internet connections and all of your emails as well as all the internet connections to you and your site have all been on the legal side, if you know what I mean, because these folks have Carte Blanche - a French expression, no? - to look into all of them.
Truth be told, I almost feel bad for you but I just have to remember that I warned you and then I feel a lot better. At that point, I could probably report him for making false threats. But this is too much fun and he is too pitiful:
Oh no… SuperFrenchie ending up at Gitmo! Will they torture me by forcing me to eat Velveeta? ROTFLMAO.
By the way, I do live in the US (much shorter distance to fly me to Camp X-Ray, wouldn’t you say.) Ah, but the guy is serious. And as he mentioned earlier, he has friends in high places. So he CCs me this email, which is addressed to a D.Willington@FCC.com:
To: Darren Willington, Internet Division
Dar-Dude:
Here is the email address I told you about. Is this guy a terrorist? Probably not, but as you can see by the harassing and abusive foreign based emails he qualifies under the I.I.H. act. Give him an extra thorough going over for your old roomie. He may not be a terrorist but, remember, he is French.
Alex Yeah, right! Except that there is no such thing as an FCC.com domain name. The FCC, like all government agencies, has a .gov suffix:
Hey Alex, it’s not just your history books you need to check. Your email address book is also a bit off the mark: there is no such thing as an FCC.com domain name.
FCC’s domain name is fcc.gov.
I have cced it to Darren Willington for you so you don’t have to resend.
And I also send him proof that there is no one by the name of Willington at the FCC:
Oh, and you may want to check here if your friend still exists…
http://www.fcc.gov/fcc-bin/findpeople.pl?person=willington
:) :) :) :) At that point, caught in a lie, he realizes that the gig is up and starts playing the idiot, complete with a 3-guys-are-in-a-bar type of joke:
FCC.Com is the investigative division.
Oh please, you didn’t really take me that seriously that you went to the trouble to look that crap up? Beeeeautiful. And they say the French are gullible.
International Internet Harassment act of 1997? Tied to the Patriot Act? Come on, that is some great stuff there. And Darren Willington for the love of decency? Dar-Dude? Please.
Have you heard this one?
French guy, a New Yorker and an Englishman are having a drink. The English guy says;
“Righteeoo, Chaps, I know of this smashing bar in London where you buy a drink and they buy you your next drink. Fancy that?”
New Yorker replies;
“That ain’t nothin’ I knows of a bar in Brooklyn what gives you two drinks for everyone you buy.”
Frenchman says;
“Mon ami, zees is nothing. Outside of Paris, there is a bar where zay buy your first drink, your second drink, your third fourth and fifth drink, zen you go in zee back and you have zee wild, wild, sex, no?”
The other two were so impressed they wanted to know when he went there and the Frenchman replied;
“Oh, I’ve never been there but my sister she told me about it.” Finally, he surrenders:
All kidding aside, you seem like a perfectly decent guy with a good sense of humor and a nice family - nice wife, vavavoom - and a very proud Frenchman. In retrospect that “Go fuck yourself up your shitty unwiped hairy asshole you motherfucking cocksucking French asshole dog cock licking brother ass fucking coward German blowing camel sucking puzz head” comment might have been a bit much.
So sorry.
Sometimes I do crack myself up.Sooo, Alex: see the title of that post? I already got my orange jumpsuit and I’m ready for your friends to come and get me!
Note #1: all text in bold is my emphasis.
Note #2: Marc Cormier of
Miquelon apparently already went after him a couple of weeks ago. Always at the cutting-edge of comedy-writing, Alex took the occasion to write… a
Jerry Lewis joke!Note #3: I emailed Alex to let him know that unlike his web site, mine has comments and that he was welcome to respond there.
Note #4: Bored today? Want to keep me company at Camp X-Ray? Here is his
email adress.
Originallly posted by Denis chazelle on his blog:
http://www.superfrenchie.com
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