The Iraq War Reloaded

[Skinner]

WOLF BLITZER: Good afternoon, and welcome to the Situation Room. It's exactly like being in the real Situation Room at the Bush White House, except on TV.

Today's top story: They call it "Operation Swarmer," we call it "Spectacular!" A joint "coalition of equals" made up of 1500 highly trained American troops and about a dozen or so Free Iraqi soldiers participated in the largest military assault since the highly successful liberation of Iraq back in 2003. The 101st Airborne Division led the attack against the terrorist stronghold of Samarra.

The Department of Defense did not permit any reporters from CNN or any other news outlet to join in the assault, but they were kind enough to provide us with an amazing full-color video, which really grabs you by the short-and-curlies and makes you feel like you're part of the action.

This is some truly compelling video, don't you agree, Jack Cafferty?

JACK CAFFERTY: Yeah, it's incredible. It almost makes me feel bad for harping on that ports thing for so long.

WOLF BLITZER: Me too. Well, from what I heard, the folks from Dubai are probably going to get to keep the ports anyway, so don't feel bad.

The Department of Defense did something extra special this time, and I'm going to point it out before we start the video, because I'm not sure all our viewers would recognize the voice. The DOD hired Academy Award-winning actor Morgan Freeman for the voice-over.

JACK CAFFERTY: Morgan Freeman? That guy sucked in "Deep Impact."

WOLF BLITZER: Me too. I was star-struck when I first heard it. Brilliant. It's called "Iraq War Reloaded." Roll the tape.


"IRAQ WAR RELOADED"

(Screen is empty, solid black, except for the date "2003" in the center. A few moments of complete silence.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: Remember three years ago, how good it felt when our brave men and women in uniform liberated Iraq from the clutches of the evil dictator Saddam Hussein? Remember the stirring images?

(Photo Montage: President Bush in Oval Office. American soldier placing American flag over the head of Saddam Hussein Statue. American soldier removing American flag from Saddam Hussein Statue. American soldiers pulling Saddam Hussein Statue down with a crane while a couple Iraqi men stand around smoking cigarettes and talking about the weather. President Bush in flight suit. Flag waves.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: You could feel it in your heart. Freedom was on the march. It was good to be an American.

(Screen fades to black. Grainy black-and-white photos of Islamic mullahs, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton and crying Iraqi babies.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: And then a bunch of stuff happened, and maybe you didn't like the Iraq war quite as much as you used to. The details aren't important, except for the fact that liberals tied the hands of the president and the military, and offered aid and comfort to Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden because they hate America. And for a few years, you felt bad.

(Silence. Screen fades to black again. The date "2006" is in the middle of the screen.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: As of today, you'll never feel that way again.

(Cue Music "American Bad Ass" by KID ROCK. Brief montage of explosions from KID ROCK video and from Iraq war.)

KID ROCK: (Rapping)
We've traveled this land packed tight in minivans
And all this for the fans, girls, money, and fame
I play their game, and then they scream my name
I will show no shame, I live and die for this
If I come off soft, then chew on this....
Are you scared?

(Music fades slightly so MORGAN FREEMAN is audible.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: The terrorists were scared, as the brave fighting men and women of the fighting 101st swarmed into Samarra, bringing along a tidal wave of hot lead and freedom in their wake.

(Video of American military maneuvers in Iraq. And KID ROCK.)

KID ROCK: (Rapping)
Devil without cause, and I'm back
with the Beaver hat and Ben Davis slacks
30-pack of Stroh's, 30-pack of hoes
No rogaine in the propane flows ...
I jabbed and stabbed and knocked critics back ...
And still they ill they wanna see us fry
I guess because of only God knows why, why, why

MORGAN FREEMAN: Morale is high. The terrorists are on notice: These colors don't run. All the problems of the last three years are a distant memory, washed away in a blur of red, white, and blue.

(A Humvee does donuts in the desert, kicking up a huge cloud of beige dust that billows in the bright afternoon sun. Soldiers and Iraqi children wave American flags. Slow-motion images of American soldiers with sweat and grime on their faces, high-fiving and giving the thumbs-up sign. KID ROCK in front of American flag.)

KID ROCK: (Rapping)
Ohhhhh, they call me cowboy, I'm the singer in black
Throw a finger in the air, let me see where you're at
and Say HEY, HEY
Let me hear where you're at and Say HEY, HEY
I'm giving back so Say HEY, HEY
Show me some metal and Say HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

(Photo montage of great moments in American history: George Washington crossing the Delaware. Lincoln at Gettysburg. Marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima. Martin Luther King's "I have a Dream Speech." The Moon Landing. Kelly Clarkson winning American Idol.)

MORGAN FREEMAN: America, be proud. Hold your head up high again. We're fighting the good fight, and spreading good old fashioned American values.

(A woman in a red, white, and blue American flag bikini straddles the barrel of the big gun of an M1-tank, and waves a cowboy hat in the air like she's riding a mechanical bull.)

KID ROCK: (Rapping)
I'm an American Bad Ass
Watch me kick, you can roll with Rock ...
Fuckin sack to share, bringing flash and glare
Got the long hair swinging, middle finger in the air
Snake skin suits, 65 Chevelle
See me ridin in sin in the rebel yell

MORGAN FREEMAN: We're going to stay until the job is done. Look out terrorists, Uncle Sam is comin' to getcha!

KID ROCK: (Rapping)
I'm a cowboy, Bad Ass in black singing HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
From side to side from front to back Say HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
I put Detroit City back on the map by Singin HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
Kid Rocks in the house and thats where I'm at!

(Image of "Marlboro Man" fades to black to show the words, "Dedicated to the men and woman who gave their lives for the cause of freedom, 2003-2006." Then another fade to Calvin peeing on Iraq.)

WOLF BLITZER: What a thrilling ride. And you can download free Kid Rock ring tones at Army.com. Coming up after the break: Kid Rock is in the Situation Room. He's going to tell us why the liberals are all wrong; America is still the greatest country on the planet.

[stop the bleeding]

1. dude you are too much

I love the comic reliefs

[walldude]

2. This is a joke right? Please tell me this is a joke.

If it's not I vote to send Kid Shithead over to Iraq TODAY. Minus the body armor of course...

[file83]

16. It's a joke. But I still think sending "Kid Shithead" over to Iraq is a

good idea.:thumbsup:

[PurpleChez]

19. The scary thing is--if this WERE real, the CR frat bots and war fetishists

would LOVE it. Just add an element of NASCAR and you'd have the ultimate masturbatory fantasy for the khaki shorts 'n' timberlands crowd.

[Swede]

3. Man,Skinner,you have been prolific lately.

It's good to see ya worked up some.

[byronius]

4. Mock or Real? Mock or Real? I laugh. But it's real, sorta. Isn't it?

Hold me, Skinner. Losing reality -- everything going -- red --

[DoYouEverWonder]

5. You're a hoot

Hidden fires?

[DrDebug]

6. the folks from Dubai are probably going to get to keep the ports anyway

nuf said...

Kid Rock, you suck!

[johnnie]

7. Hey! I searched all over

I didn't find any Kid Rock ring tones at Army.com x(

[Marnieworld]

8. Skinner! You big sillyhead!

Whatever you are smoking lately I want some! Excellent work. Though I know Morgan Freeman wouldn't be caught dead narrating that, not my Easy Reader, it was otherwise perfect. :applause:

[Lochloosa]

9. ....

:rofl: :toast:

[WildEyedLiberal]

10. "Calvin peeing on Iraq"

:rofl:

[Neil Lisst]

11. and that's why humor makes points better than speeches

Humor allows over-the-top exaggerations that make the point better than compelling, well-written paragraphs arguing the logic of the same point.

That story encapsulates the Bush handling of the war, where a few flashy war videos are used to distract and excite a too-willing major media.

[Batgirl]

12. This clever parody has a certain poignancy

The "American Bad-ass" mindset it captures was shared by a large portion of the population back in the early days of the invasion. And when compared to now, you realize how much of the stuffing has been knocked out of the average American over the past few years. You don't have people swaggering about basking in reflected the machismo of those who were actually in combat. Most of us have been beat up pretty bad by this administration that has made it way too obvious they hate democracy, the constitution, and the average working Joe. Casualties have gone up abroad, paychecks have gone down at home, we're regularly lied to about how great the war and the economy are proceeding -- and all of these things have become obvious to everyone except the most diehard ignorami.

And a president who was once immortalized with an action figure doll has been uncloaked as a world class fuckup.

But it's strange how today's satire was yesterday's reality.

[Maddy McCall]

13. Did you author this?

Fucking brilliant. :thumbsup:

You couldn't find more juxtaposed people in real life--Morgan Freeman and Kid Rock--one a true artist and the other an exploiter of the basest of human nature.


I think that's why this gripped me by the proverbial nads when I read it...Freeman is one of us, a good guy. When he plays an asshole on movies, well, you know he's playing an asshole. But this--this....

Brilliant.

[IsIt1984Yet]

14. Ha ha ha

And... :puke:

[file83]

15. Some one's been smokin' the "funny" cigarettes....SWEET!!!

:thumbsup:

[Hubert Flottz]

17. Wolf Blitzkreig is the Barney Fife of cable TV Snooze!

The shakiest suckass in the West...Wing! "Operation Swarmy," is a fig-newton of KKKarl's and Wolf's homogenation! A made for TV daytime Drama, depicting the struggle of the little guy and the white devil slave masters, from political Hell and back. A totally political concoction, dreamed up in the bowels of the new White House/DoD propaganda ministry, to save the GOP from disaster at the polls in November.

I can't believe KKKreepy KKKandy KKKrotch KKKrawley, wasn't riding the skids of the lead chopper in her Marine Corps desert cammo thong and her spit shined high heeled combat boots. This was the biggest political photo op in Iraq since operation Rubber Turkey, where the CiC single handedly served up the vinyl chow to the troops and saved his political career. So many political objectives in the never ending war on terra and so little time till November. Political WAR is Political Hell!

I wonder how much this latest Political Production cost the taxpayers? I wonder if Bush will ask for another 80 billion dollar supplemental WAD, to pay for production costs in the Pentagon's political war flicks? They need to Make KKKarl the Secretary of Propaganda at the DoD's new Department Of Homeland Propaganda/Bullshit!

[xultar]

18. I've been dreaming you'd start posting more actively.

I'm glad my dreams came true!!!! DU needs your voice.

[formercia]

20. Shawshank Redemption will never be the same. n/t

[dipsydoodle]

21. Satire at its best

and brilliantly composed. Shades of being English and writing in the mid -'60s which I think is the best compliment I could possibly pay you.

[derby378]

22. Well, now you actually have to create the video...

You big tease!

[Dora]

29. I completely agree with you. He must make this manifest! n/t

[bigtree]

23. that's some smart stuff

funny

[kentuck]

24. Skinner has found his niche....

:) He has a knack for capturing in words the environment of the news.

[Beelzebud]

25. ROFLMAO. At first I thought it was real. Good job. :D

[muchacho]

26. wow

..you made me hate Kid Rock even more.

Nice work....

[DemExpat]

27. What's up with you, Skinner?

Great, funny stuff.

:thumbsup: :D

DemEx

[Dora]

28. Is there a goddamn producer in the house?

We absolutely must have this produced. It's magnificent. It's soooo worthy.

I don't know the first thing about doing such a thing. Are there professionals among us? What needs to be found, and who? Does anybody know Morgan Freeman? :-)

Oh, yes, please do make this. We must make fun of them. We must mock them and laugh at them.

You are so on a roll, Skinner. Ride, Skinner ride.

Oh, and dude, thank you very much.

[Swamp Rat]

30. kick ... pass the popcorn!

:popcorn:



edit: well, I tried to recommend it. :)

[New Earth]

31. Morgan Freeman isn't a Bush supporter is he?

please God, tell me it's not so :cry:

[Skinner]

32. I'm pretty sure he's a lib.

I just thought he was a funny choice for the narrator.

[juajen]

33. Bravo!

I see this on broadway, titled "Iraq War Follies". BTW, do you do your own editing? My compliments. T'was superb.