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I had no idea Cindy was coming to Cleveland tomorrow. I found out only this morning that she was coming and that was from my local radio show. It's a conservative hate-mongering site (however it did have Springer in the morning on briefly until they canceled him for some new Rush-lite). I hadn't listened to this new sycophant yet because I've been on a self-imposed hiatus from anything political (with the exception of the recent Charlie Sheen announcement about 9/11, Thank you Charlie!) The stress was getting to me and I was fraying at the edges a bit, so I decided to step away before I did something stupid. (Case in point, I freaked out on a guy merely because he had a Bush/Cheney 04 sticker on his car. He drifted over into my lane and might have caused an accident if I hadn't been paying attention. If I hadn't have noticed the sticker, I would never have minded a bit. I'd have been happy to have avoided an accident and just waved "okay, retard" and forgot about it. I saw that fucking sticker and I completely wigged out and went all hillbilly on him. I was motherF'ing this and pointing for him to pull over. If he hadn't fled, I most likely would have started a fight. It ain't right to beat a person because they're ignorant evil drones, no matter how good it feels. After that, I decided it was time to take a break for a while.)
Anyway, I decided to turn on talk news this morning and I heard this guy talking about Cindy's protest tomorrow. He was trying to rally up opposition to her protest by asking the people to stage a counter protest. He was spouting all sorts of slanderous anti-Cindy hate speech and I got real mad. I just couldn't stand to listen to a war profiteer bash someone who lost a son to the war he was pushing. I'm not sure why but I snapped yet again. I can take a lot and the break from reading about politics leveled me out a bit but this just pissed me off and sent me right back over the edge. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He was such a smarmy, weaselly, shit-stain of a human being, I just had to do something to put an end to this nonsense. So I did... I called.
Now, I know that if I had called all outraged and argumentative, I would have either been ignored or made fun of, so I decided to try a different tactic. I called in not as Mike the liberal Democratic veteran. Instead, I called in as Mike, the neo-conservative Cindy-hating Republican KKK member and I emulated the bulk of the silent majority of Republicans in the country.
See, in addition to trying to drum up a protest to Cindy's march, they were also trying to drum up opposition to another march. This one took place today and was sponsored by Latinos who fear that our Republican masters might take this opportunity to figure out a way to exploit and harm millions of humans who happen to have a darker complexion than they do. I'm not as informed as I should be about immigration issues so I pretty much avoid the debate; but I do know veiled racism when I see it and this guy was digging for racists.
So I gave him one, an unabashed and open racist Nazi. Only he didn't know that at first. He didn't know it when he asked thousands of Clevelanders to take to the street to support my fictitious march nor did he know it when he thanked me for standing up for the Freedoms our fighting men are dying to defend. In his earnest to find a "patriot", he let slip a troll.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Mike from Cleveland, I understand you're staging a protest to counter Cindy's protest?"
Me(Me): Yes, that's right. About a hundred of me and my brothers are taking to the street to stand up to these Anti-American traitors who put our brothers-in-arms in harms way. And I like to welcome any support we can get from good people like you, we sure do appreciate everything you do for us.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Well, Cindy has a right to free speech and we don't want to take that away from her but I imagine hundreds, thousands or maybe even tens of thousands shouting out their support wouldn't deny her her chance to free speech but it would sure drown her out. Let me ask you... Did you serve in the military?
Me(Me): Why, yes I did sir. (And I did, I wasn't lying about that)
Talk Show Guy (TSG):See, it's people like you who've fought for our right to free speech that makes it possible for people like Cindy to undermine our country and put our troops in harm's way. I'm so glad there's patriot's like you who take advantage of the rights you fought for. (Oddly enough, I actually didn't fight a sole in the Army. I spent 3 years in Hawaii and I didn't give a shit about Free speech. The Army was just better than drinking myself to death in a dead end job. I had watched the movie Stripes and thought maybe the Army wasn't so bad after all. Truthfully, it was the best thing I'd never want to do again.) What is it about Cindy that has sparked this protest?
Me(Me): Well first of all, Cindy goes down to that Chile or Argentina and shakes hands with that mongrel Castro and we don't abide real American's getting close with vermin like that. It just ain't right.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Absolutely, you're referring to Cindy's trip to Venezuela where she was consorting with the dictator Hugo Chavez who has openly called President Bush, 'the world's leading terrorist'.
Me(Me): That's it, that Chavez. She went down there and shook his hand, it was absolutely disgusting. It's just like that Jose Feliciato guy you were talking about. (This was the Latino Protest) We actually got together to protest that but we decided to stick around and come back out tomorrow to protest Cindy too.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):I'm glad you brought that up because I was about to. You're referring to the March supporting illegal immigration taking place this afternoon?
Me(Me): Yes, sir. We can't abide by these people coming up here taking our jobs, free loading on our health care like an infestation. These mongrels are clearly breaking the law and we think people just got to stand up and say enough is enough. They're called "illegal" immigrants for a reason, they're undocumented and pose a threat to our country. America can't handle anymore people as it is.
{I think it was at this point he began to realize he may have stepped in shit though he still had no idea.)
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Now, just to be clear, you're not against legal immigration, you're just against the illegal immigration that is draining our nation. We of course support legal immigration, this nation is a nation of immigrants, you're not opposed to immigration are you?
Me(Me): Well, I ain't got no problem with European immigrants but those people from Mexico and Chile and Uruguay don't have no reason to come up here greasing up our country. It just ain't right.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Wait a second... Wait a second... Are you opposed to the illegal immigration or immigration from just a select group of people? Say, Latinos.
Me(Me): (I paused for just a second as if allowing the question to sail out in front of him like a dove, only to watch it crash into the ocean and drown.) Well, yeah... aren't you? I thought that's what we were talking about. You can't have these kinds of people coming into our country and overrunning it. I thought that's what we were talking about with Cindy and Chavez.
Talk Show Guy (TSG):Well, sir. That's where me and you part ways.
He then hangs up on me and launches into a tirade about how "people like Mike" are just bigots and says "Good job Mike, you just handed them a justification for their march." What the idiot didn't know is that was my intent from the start. He had been working on whipping up the people against Cindy and the Latinos for about an hour before I talked to him. He had on repuke after repuke who simply enjoyed hypocritical Cindy bashing and civilized bigotry. He was feeling good about himself and the job he was doing for his masters and then a fake Nazi had to go and screw the whole pooch. His show fizzled out quick after that, I guess he didn't want people to think that he supported racists because he kept referring to "people like Mike" the rest of the show. What he didn't realize is that the only difference between him and me was that I was pretending to be a bigot and a vile human being. What difference does it make if out of hatred or greed I support laws that I'm sure will be written to exploit as many people as possible? When I pretended to hate Cindy and called for thousands to drown out her voice, what difference does it make if I hate her because I'm a racist or if I hate her because she wants me to stop killing people. Hell, I'd rather be one who advocates for legalized bigotry than someone who sells illegal murder, any day of the week. I see very little that differentiates talk show hosts like that guy from the despicable Mike.
I know this was a bad thing to do but it did serve a purpose. I set out to derail his rally cry and I effectively accomplished that. In his earnest to find an ally in his campaign (devoid of hatred yet ironically headed in the same direction), he allowed a troll to trip him up and sucker him into allying his cause with that of an unpopular hatemonger. Whose gonna show up at a rally with the "Racists against Cindy"?
I must say that I really enjoyed manipulating that creep, it felt good to use the dark side of the force for a change. But what I did was wrong. The Pukes use manipulation to win. We have chosen Truth as our champion. So I probably won't do that again but hopefully they won't lead me into temptation. My faith isn't what it used to be.
Rock on Cindy, I love ya girl.
P.S. That's not an official transcript btw, but it's pretty close.
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