Matthew Sheppard, the ultimate exgay?

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A pro LGBT group ran an add with that tagline shortly after he was killed and got bullied into taking it down. At the time I felt the ad might have been a bit over the top. Now, though, I honestly don't.

Being an ex gay isn't fun. The typical treatment includes aversion therapy which usually involves shocking the subject or causing him/her to vomit upon seeing images of homosexual sex. On top of being painful, it is costly. A typical treatment cost over $10000 back in the late 1980's so one can only imagine what it costs now.

Yet, thousands of gays and lesbians voluntarily enter such programs each year. Why would someone voluntarily do this to themselves and pay for it to boot? Simple, because their lives are so miserable they feel they have no other choice.

That, and only that, leads these people to oppose any and all things which might make the lives of gays and lesbians more pleasant. If it were really about the sanctity of marriage the amendments wouldn't target civil unions and contracts between gays and lesbians. If it were really about the sanctity of marriage it would explicitly target adulterers and fornicators, not simply gays and lesbians. If it were really about the children they wouldn't oppose adoption by gays and lesbians. If it were really about the children they wouldn't oppose anti bullying legislation. If it were really about the children they wouldn't target our school clubs.

It is about making our lives so miserable that we choose to take their voodoo cures. In the course of making our lives that miserable they often go to far. They empower the bullies who humiliate us in school, they empower the bashers who attack us in the streets, and they decimate our self image to the point that we kill ourselves rather than face our true natures. In a very real sense every gay man or lesbian woman who kills themselves are the ultimate ex gays. In a very real sense every gay man and lesbian who gets bullied in school is on that first stop to becoming the ultimate ex gay. In a very real sense every gay man and lesbian who gets bashed is an ultimate ex gay.

These people can't claim to love us and hate the sin when they behave like they have been. They can't claim to love us with one face, and make our lives a living hell with the other. They didn't directly kill Matthew, but they did create the climate that killed him. They don't directly kill the thousands of gays and lesbians who kill themselves each year, but they create the climate that makes them so miserable that they feel they have no choice. They can't profit from our misery and then take no credit for making us miserable.

[MadMaddie]

1. That's the thing these people hate themselves and that will

never change.

They are evil themselves and look for groups to project their hate on...they use religion as their tool....

They don't love themselves and they certainly don't love us!!!

[TAPat]

2. Nicely said - Thank you. nt

[InvisibleTouch]

3. Some years ago I visited a long-time friend...

...who had just come over from Germany to start working in a hospital in Chicago. We discussed, among other things, the Matthew Sheppard case, and I remember he said "When I heard that, I just wanted to turn around and run home." I thought he was just generally horrified, as I was, that there were attitudes and incidents like that in this country. I didn't learn that he himself was gay until after he'd been found dead in his apartment, an apparent suicide. I'd known him since first grade, and I have some doubt as to whether it was indeed a suicide, but if it was, he must have felt his life to be so miserable that he felt compelled to end it. He never gave me the slightest hint or clue.

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4. I am sorry to hear that

It must have been horrible for him to keep that secret. It is sad how far we end up going to deal with this issue.

[InvisibleTouch]

6. Very sad indeed.

If I'd known he was having such a hard time, I think I could have done or said something to help. Or so we always like to think, in any case. Of the two of us, I was always the one who ignored society's expectations and went her own way, while he had to be encouraged to climb over that fence, venture out onto the frozen lake, etc. I think I could have convinced him that, "Look, other peoples' opinion of you is irrelevant. Only you have the right to define yourself."

Like I said, I'm not totally convinced it was a suicide. I think he may have been self-medicating with the drugs available to him at the hospital - something to energize himself in the mornings, something to wind down and get some sleep at night. But even in that case, he must have been under a trememdous amount of stress.

[dsc]

8. I am close to six years sober

I was on the suicide by installment plan. I know that I used vodka to drown out feelings I didn't like having. Other people's feelings are irrelevent but sadly it often happens that those feelings become ours.

[Faygo Kid]

5. Great post. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the most grease.

Those smug SOB noisemakers get way too much attention. Don't forget about the rest of us who often too quietly support our gay etc. friends. I have never understood what makes people be mean to one another because of their race, sexual orientation, etc. I guess it's just a way to impose power on groups or individuals with less power. Please don't be miserable. Life is too short. I have to remind myself of that so very often as I grow old, while the world does not improve as I had hoped.

[MuseRider]

7. Well said.

Bookmarked to read again since I have to go.

Very nice, K&R

[dsc]

9. thanks

[Rowdyboy]

10. Believe me, I understand self-hatred. As a kid, I was literally TBLBITW

("The Best Little Boy in the World" by John Reid in case you haven't read it). His parents expected him to be "golden" and he was. He was well mannered, smart, quick and attractive while living a nightmarish secret life of denial and severe insecurity.

Self acceptance is serious business. I came to my senses at age 25. 10 years later my partner, aged 39, finally admitted it to himself. He had been married for 18 years. But we both, finally, came to our senses and found each other. How horribly sad that these people never find the strength to embrace themselves and accept that their sexuality is neither good nor bad-it simply IS. No shock-therapy or torture or psychoanalysis would have made a damn difference to me. I'm homosexual. It was simply admitting it, accepting it, and getting on with life. I'm sorry these guys don't trust themselves enough to try.

[dsc]

13. it is sad

I am so glad you found someone and in MS of all places. That means there is hope for me in NC

[hunter]

17. You will be loved.

:hug:

[Rowdyboy]

21. If the intelligence and wit you show on-line are any indication of your

real personality, then its only a matter of time. My time was a boring Monday night when I reluctantly went out to a bar. I had no idea I was changing the rest of my life. You won't either at first. I wish you all the happiness I've known. You're "good people" as we say down here.

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22. Thanks

I have been working on other aspects of my life for the past few years but intend to soon work on this. It is hard in a smallish town but not impossible. As you point out, when I least expect it is when it will happen.

[ComerPerro]

11. And yet people still contend that being gay is a choice

[Nikki Stone1]

15. K&R #5

:kick:

[Cats Against Frist]

12. It's really very sad

I am horrified by "ex-gay" programs, and despite the fact that I believe in the social constructionist theory of sexuality, no one should be forced, or force themselves into mind control programs to win the affection of a bigoted populace.

I believe that many more people are gay, or have gay tendencies than the conservative records of the wingnut-preacher crowd show. I also feel terribly sorry for those who hate themselves because they are homosexuals. They are the people who are entering these programs. I believe tolerance would go a long way to stop it, but, I do believe there would still be people who felt "gay feelings," and wished that they did not. If we broadened our definitions of "straight" and "gay" to include a healthy range of sexualities and genders, I think those people could find some self-security, as well.

[Deja Q]

14. Mind over matter. You don't need expensive $cientology crap to do it.

But money being the ultimate impetus, it becomes quite a catalyst for the vultures... and the wasted roadkill they feed upon.

[JudyM]

16. So well put: "If it were really about the sanctity of marriage

the amendments wouldn't target civil unions and contracts between gays and lesbians. If it were really about the sanctity of marriage it would explicitly target adulterers and fornicators, not simply gays and lesbians."

But how could they be targeted? Our prisons are already full beyond capacity...

[stevedeshazer]

18. I think this title is exactly right

Matthew Shepard IS the ultimate ex-gay, as far as the American Taliban are concerned. I believe that a substantial number of these phony so-called Christians are quite happy that young Mr. Shepard was hung on a fence.

As to applying aversion therapy and paying a load of money for it in order to make yourself someone you're not is ridiculous. I can only imagine that the amount of shame and rejection required to make someone submit to such psychological abuse must be enormous.

I got beat up once simply because someone thought I was gay. I'm not, but I can sure understand what it must be like.

We've got a long way to go here, my friends. Equality belongs to everyone.

Good post.

[dsc]

19. That is horrible

I am glad they didn't kill you.

[NMMNG]

20. Fundamentalists, the ultimate bullies?

:shrug: