Need some DU advice on Fundie Parents

[orion9941]

For the past few years I've had a persistent situation with my parents and I just can't stop thinking about the whole thing.

Here's the situation in a nutshell. I am a gay man who has been in a committed relationship with a wonderful man for over 6 years now and I have parents that are 'cool-aid drinking', super religious fundamentalists (which is odd considering they're Lutheran), Fox news watching, Republican voting, uber-conservatives.

Deep down inside...once you get past all the layers of dogma and repression...they are good people that care about me and love me. They even care about my partner even though they publicly refer to him as "my friend." <sigh> The real problem that I have is that they know they have an openly gay son, yet they continue to vote for people that try their hardest to make life for homosexuals even harder than it already is. They vote for people that try to take away the few rights that my partner and I have.
I once confronted them about that. I asked them how they could vote for someone that will try and make the life of their own child harder than it needs to be. I asked them how could they vote for a party that makes their own child out to be the political boogey man of the minute?! Their response floored me...they said that they are voting for the greater good of the republic and not just on one issue. To me thats a load of bullshit. Yes you have to vote for the greater good of the republic, but if the people you are voting for are directly trying to make life harder for a specific group of people and your child just happens to be one of those people...you shouldn't vote for them!!! Period!!

So now after being the political scape goat for the last 6 years and having parents that have helped enable that, I have reached a point where I have great anger towards my own parents over this. Their vote has made my life harder. Their vote has made an already marginalized group of people even more marginalized. It is because of their vote that my partner and I will never be allowed to get married in our own state because it has been out lawed. It is because of their vote that the state we currently live in is trying to prevent homosexuals from adopting as well. (Guess they won't be getting any grand kids from me now!)

How can a parent say that they love their child when they allow this to happen to their own child? How can a parent give their okay to allow this to happen?! How can a parent allow their child be turned into a second class citizen?!

I have reached a point where I really don't know what to do. Do I cut them out of my life? I mean in the past I have cut friends out of my life for the very same reason. However, when thats happened the parting of ways wasn't a matter of a fundamental disagreement between friends...that I can deal with. It was a matter of their political view directly effected my life in a negative way and there was no way of changing their minds. Currently that is what I have with my parents. They will never change their mind on the matter. They will always vote Republican. And now I have to ask myself, do I cut them out of my life?

Any opinions and advice any has is welcome. I have thought about this for many years and its been an emotional tug of war. So any outside words of wisdom are welcome.

[radwriter0555]

1. Stop taking it all so personally. Do nothing. As they have accepted you,

you must accept them, and as they love you in spite of their regard for your partner, etc., they accept you, and love you.

You can create a lot of drama, or enjoy the time you have left with some nice people who did a great job raising a nice man.

My parents were die-hard racists, bigots and republicans. I hadn't spoken to my dad since I was 20... he died about 5 years ago.

I don't know if my mom is alive or dead. She laid into me in 1994 because I chose to have a child out of wedlock with a man who wasn't white. I walked out of her house, and the only time I spoke to her since was when she called to gloat that my dad had died.

I wish I had parents who loved me unconditionally as yours do you. To use their votes as a wedge between you is a horrible waste of a lot of love.

Please reconsider your position. The world needs more love, tolerance and acceptance, not less.

Perhaps some sessions with a good therapist could help you recognize and refocus and diffuse that anger without damaging your relationship with your mom and dad.

Big hugs!

[JanusAscending]

2. You have my sympathy.

Can I ask you a few questions? Do you have siblings or are you an only child? Does your occupation, force you to stay in the same area, or your mates? If you adopted a child, would this be their only grandchild? These things are important to take into consideration. You may have options. Just because you love your parents, doesn't mean you can't have your own life, away from them.

[redwitch]

3. Have you said this to them?

Do they know that you are considering disowning them?

Are you sure there is no hope of changing their minds one issue at a time until you bring them into the light?

How will you feel if you cut them out of your life?

No answers here, I am sorry to say, this is really a sad place for you to be. :hug:

[Xeric]

4. my 2 cents

I wouldn't cut them out of my life. After all, they didn't cut you off like so many fundie parents do. Keep the lines of communication open. Make sure they know how this hurts you, but it's not worth pushing. As you say, they aren't likely to change. Many older people that vote Republican do so because that's what they've always done. They still think of Republicans as a party that had certain principles and don't realize just how far off track it's gotten. It's hard for them to admit that they've made a mistake in supporting a party that's become so corrupt and malignant. There's still a chance however that they will see the light and for that even faint hope I'd keep the door open.

[Ilsa]

5. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I bet that if they had a

choice for you and your partner, they'd give you the world and the rights you deserve. They are jsut brainwashed about the situation. I can only say enjoy them as much as you can, and pick your battles carefully. Know that many people are changing. I was brainwashed many years ago, but came around. :pals: Hugs to you and the love of your life.

[converted_democrat]

6. I'm not gay, but I have fundy parents.. I cut them out completely for 3

years, and then just started to let them in on a limited basis... (I don't think you'd have to go that long for desired effect..) Once they see their decisions have consequences, they change their tune real quick, or at least mine did..

[phantom power]

7. I can tell you a story about my neighbors.

They are a pair of older, re-married(*) parents whose children (all from first marriages) are grown. They are hard-core Catholics. I was having a conversation with the mother one day, and she was telling me all about one of her sons, who is gay. It was a strange but fascinating conversation. She told me all about how they knew from the age that he was five, that he was gay. She told me all about how they love him a great deal. She told me that when he reached the age that he started to have a sex-life, they explained to him that they understood that he was gay, and that he was born that way, but that it was God's law that he must be celibate, and his sexual relations with other men were a mortal sin.

Not surprisingly, this son has cut off all relations with his mother, and the mother was expressing her confusion about why.

It's a very weird experience to listen to somebody who is a good neighbor, and "nice person" (yada yada) calmly spout that kind of religious insanity. I just smiled and nodded. We're still good neighbors. But I'll never forget the experience of listening to that kind of madness.

My story doesn't have any clever advice for you, except to say that (1) you aren't alone (you probably already knew that). and (2). It's quite possible that your parents will never ever understand.

I'm reaching the age where I realize that life is too short to not try and love the people in our lives, no matter how challenging it is. On the other hand, not all relationships work out. Relationships with parents aren't any magical exception.

There, was that clear as mud?

(*) I didn't miss out on the total hypocrisy that both of my neighbors considered it OK to violate the Catholic law against divorce, but obviously consider the law against homosexual relations to be utterly involate.

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

8. It's really hard

My relationship with my parents has been really complicated and difficult. I had cut them off at the point where my mother was haranguing me in a delusional way about not being a Christian. They both seemed to hate me and think I was some awful person that had no connection to reality. I felt selfish and guilty and terrible, but I don't completely regret doing it, since I felt I became a stronger, more well-balanced person as a result.

When we took up contact again 10 years later, we were all older and wiser, I guess, because I was surprised at how well it went. I had read this fictional book called "I Know this Much is True" by Wally Lamb. It is all about forgiveness and a guy who is dealing with the aftermaths of abuse and so on. I decided to forgive them and I think they had decided to forgive me too for shutting them out. We are now getting along reasonably well, if not terribly close, and we never discuss politics and religion, although my dad did quietly tell me he can't stand Bush or his policies, even thought he is an old-fashioned patriarchal-style Republican.

So, I don't know what to advise, except to say, if they don't damage you or do harm to your mental state or to your relationship with your partner, maybe try to forgive them and love the parts of them that haven't been given over to the kool-aid. People are so complicated and are made up of so many weaknesses and strengths, but forgiveness can do some interesting things to help a relationship, I have found.

Also, let me add on edit: It's hard when you realize that people don't respect you for who you are, but I have learned from dealing with them and my Republican in-laws, that it matters a lot more that I respect myself. I have realized I don't respect their values and morals, but we can still care about each other. I feel more pity now and less anger toward all of them since I care less about what they think.

[Infomaniac]

9. Only you can decide how much contact you want to maintain

I don't think separaring yourself off from your parents will deal with the legitimate anger you feel. Unfortunately, it's not just your parents that are voting this way, KWIM? I also, having some tangential experience with the fundie mindset, know that a complete estrangement may raise their martyr points within their own community. A sort of "God gave them a gay son who doesn't talk to them and still they serve the Lord." I have cut off, for the most part, one of my younger sisters who drinks pitcher after pitcher of the fundie Kool-aid. It only served to encourage her to redouble her efforts to "save" me. I see her on two occasions per year. I do not engage her in any discussions about politics or religion. Our longest discussion in years was about a relative's tupperware business. Mostly what influenced my decision on how much contact to have with my repuke sister was the impact it would have on other family members who don't buy into her fundie world view. If I didn't have sane relatives, I would completely cut off my insane one. So it comes back to your individual cirmcumstances as to how much contact to have with your parents.

[Smarmie Doofus]

10. I wouldn't cut them out; and I wouldn't yield any ground.

What is so intolerable about the status quo? Their world view, skewed as it is, shouldn't be the linchpin of your serenity.

I'd be polite but maintain a healthy distance, i.e. not so far as there is no dialog.

And don't yield any ground.

[BiggJawn]

11. Disown them.

Life's too short to have to put up with stuff like that.

Me, I got tired of my old man trying to force people to his POV by threatening to "go talk to my lawyer and change my Will", so I cut off contact with him.

Let me ask you this:
If your dad was in the habit of hanging around outside gay bars with a baseball-bat for "sport", would you give him a pass on that?

[electropop]

12. The thing is, all parents who vote Repug are harming their children.

Repugs are damaging our country and our planet so drastically that our children and grandchildren will suffer for decades to come.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

13. For what it's worth

my mother was shocked when I became a Sufi initiate, quit my job, and married and moved far away. She couldn't get over the fact that "Sufi" is defined as the "mystical sect of Islam". It took years for her to finally reconcile and reach some understanding. So have patience.

[cally]

14. I know that I wouldn't be able to vote Republican even

if it was in the best interests of my child. I'm not faced with that dilemma but I thought about your question by turning it around. I imagine my child having some deeply personal reason for me changing my politics and I'm not sure I could. I may choose to not vote, though.

I'm not gay so I don't face the same schism with my parents that you do. I share having parents that are Republicans and advocate policies that affect me. They won't vote for candidates I'm know personally and are friends of mine let alone those on the national level. I'm a lifelong environmentalist and I believe that the Republican policies are destroying our planet and yet my parents support those policies. I have maintained a close and loving relationship with them by never discussing politics. I think family is more important than that.

[dysfunctional press]

15. i'm not gay, but i've cut my fundie parents out of my life-

it's very liberating for the psyche, believe me.

you won't feel like a complete grown up until you put an end to the guilt trip they keep you on.

[marions ghost]

16. I relate to your situation

I have family members who merit disowning. In your case with parents it is esp tough. Keeping up a wall of resistance is a hard thing to do though. It takes a toll on you. I have seen one friend do it --in her case being gay with fundy parents--it was the right thing to do, but it cost her a lot in lost time and much psychotherapy. She has had no contact with her parents for years but keeps up with her sister. Her life was not worth much until she made this decision. But in her case the parents were completely insane and not even close to acceptance. It sounds as though your parents are a little better than that at least. You are tolerated and even receive some affection.

I have greedy and narcissistic conservative relatives ("fiscally conservative" in their book means --We deserve everything because we're Repugs and you deserve nothing because you're a Liberal...and God obviously loves us better because we have more). I avoid them as much as possible, but when thrown together I give them no opening, no place to throw their bait. No engagement. I am impervious to their barbs, which they still continue to toss out. They never learn. All their faithful churchgoing has produced no generosity, no change of heart, no epiphanies, no Jesus-like behavior.

At the same time I keep working FOR those who DO support my views. I put my energy where I can SEE it making a difference. So one thing you might try is just stepping up your attention to the positive things that sustain you, and let go of any and all expectation that your parents fulfill that role for you. If they do not see how you feel betrayed by their voting against your basic rights then there is not much hope of true understanding there. I would seek to drop any perfectionist tendencies with regard to this relationship. Not asking that your parents emotionally sustain you is difficult as it involves a process of grieving for what might have been. But there is freedom beyond the sense of loss. You no longer have to bear any responsibility for being their moral compass. Lower your expectations. Just let them be them and don't expect anything more and it becomes easier to just interact on a casual level. Avoid clashes, never bash your head against a brick wall. Don't respond if they make crass or insensitive comments. Show that you do not need them for emotional support anymore. At the same time, you can preserve whatever respect and love there is left, without dwelling on the negatives. I think of this as paring down to the essentials of your relationship. Don't make a big deal out of this with them, just put it on new terms in your head and stick to that. This has worked for me. Good luck.

I guess this is the psychic containment method of survival rather than the total cutoff.

[JVS]

17. You say your parents love you, so love them back.

Do your parents mean little enough to you that you can banish them from your life because you disagree with what they do maybe once or twice a year behind the curtain of a voting booth? Unless your parents were both on the supreme court, their two votes make little difference in how the country are run.

[leesa]

18. Exactly what do they think they are doing that is for the greater good of

the republic? Destroying the middle class? Waging endless war? Destroying the US economy? Destabilizing our government?

I'm sure they think they are practicing that horrible thing called 'tough love' with you so that you will come to your senses and stop being gay. Your parents are stubborn and selfish...don't know if you can change that, you might have to just accept it and do what you've been doing if you want to have any kind of relationship with them.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

19. Can you try for a moment to walk in their shoes?

As conservatives, having a gay child must have been frightening and there is no road map for them. These things in our generation (I'm 55) were just beginning to be talked about. Just beginning. You can't separate your parents from their upbringing. They were hardwired a certain way, and they have taken a big step in meeting you halfway. You know, a person's political views, their vote, used to be considered a very private thing. Not up for discussion. They have a right to vote as they choose and you need to not blackmail them into voting the way you think best. Just as they aren't trying to talk you out of your life. This is the great challenge of the parent-child relationship. Acceptance. We can't change each other. We shouldn't be able to. In the blink of an eye, you will be old and your parents will be gone. Before that happens you are going to become the parent to them, and make decisions for them, take care of them, and you are their heir...heir to their belongings, what is left from their earnings, and heir to their genes. You can't just "divorce" them even if you want to. You might feel like a "big boy" if you do, but it is a false sense of freedom and comes at great cost.

Stop having political discussions with your parents. There is more in life than politics, views, opinions, etc. I think you are letting "the world" into your life a little too much. Just love them the best you can, the way they love you. Agree to disagree. The time you will spend without them will be long, God-willing. Cherish these moments.

I would give five years of my life to spend an hour in my parents' presence, and as parents go, they were a long way from perfect.