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April 18, 2006
The Seattle Weakly
Mercer Island, WA - President Hu Jintoa and his posse were hosted by Bill and Melinda Gates at their lavish Fortress of Doom in the ridiculously over-privileged suburb of Seattle, Medina. 100 other guests from across the country were invited for a stupendous night of goodwill, networking, and fellatio.
The menu featured traditional Northwest cuisine including sweet and sour whale blubber, moo-shoo software engineer, and chow mien with money in it. Much of the dinner was spent being offended, yelling, realizing one of them screwed up a word, and then nervously laughing about it. The entertainment was local Seattle recording artist Kenny G who lulled the audience with his hypnotic brand of "boring white-guy" jazz. This was followed by a relatively new Northwest tradition, 'feed the Kenny G to the ravenous Grizzly', another one of Washington State's endangered indigenous creatures.
After the dinner and entertainment, in a show of solidarity thinking that it was tradition after the incident with President George HW Bush in Japan, President Hu enthusiastically projectile vomited on everyone at his table and then proceeded to spray many of the people in the near-by tables. Initially shocked, the crowd was silent, but then realized the misunderstanding and went into the traditional awkward high fives of businessmen with only 47% making direct hand to hand contact.
To commemorate the triumphant evening the Seattle City Mayor Gregg Nickles announced today plans for a new health facility to be known as "The Hu Jintoa Sweat Shop Yoga and Vomitorium". Hu was described as "feeling honored", an emotion that he is predicted to express at least 110 times throughout the rest of the week.
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