Are you raising your kids to stay abstinent until marriage?

[eyesroll]

Poll question: Are you raising your kids to stay abstinent until marriage?

(Or would you, or did you. You know what I mean.)

Inspired by the brazillion threads on virginity pledges and chastity balls.

I'm just wondering what the consensus -- if any -- here is.


As for me -- I don't have kids, but I'd be raising them to stay abstinent until they're ready, and to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs. I'd be a hypocrite to tell them anything else, even in a "don't make the same mistakes I did way," as I don't believe my decisions as a teenager were mistakes.

[Ian David]

1. I'm raising my kids to say no to Soylent Green

It's made from people.

Who are we kidding?

Sometime between June 6, 2006 and January 10, 2009 we're all going to be dead.

[mike_c]

2. I voted, but that horse left the barn a long time ago....

eom

[Notoverit]

3. Marriage and sex education make a bad mixture.

Anyone who still needs sex education by the time marriage is a reality has lived in a cave or extreme abuse.
And, at the time a young adolescent needs to know/decide on sex, marriage shouldn't enter their mind. So, I voted "when they are ready" - which is also the most realistic expectation/goal for a parent.

[LeftyMom]

4. I would hope my kid would keep it in his pants until he and his partner

were old enough and mature enough to handle birth control and the consequences of it's failure. Some people can manage that at 15, some can't at 25.

It'd worry me if he wanted to wait until marrage though, the tempation to marry the first idiot who comes along just to get laid seems to be a strong one in those situations and the older people I've known who were still waiting (admittedly all women) seemed rather miserable with the situation.

[Left Is Write]

5. Er, well, if I were...

it would be:

A. Too late for one of them
B. Hypocritical

[Mandate My Ass]

6. I raised him to be safe and respectful

So far I'm sure he's been safe. I'm not a grandma yet.

[novalib]

7. I Trust My Children

I hope I am raising them to respect themselves and others.

And I trust them to make the correct decisions for themselves.

And I will NEVER condemn them for the choices they make -- even if those choices are not the ones I would make or that I would want them to make.

[Coexist]

8. I thoroughly enjoyed pre-martial sex -

and I hope they do, too. I teach them about emotional issues that you wouldn't expect to surround a physical act, respect for their partner - and the respect they deserve, safety, and how they can expect others to react to their personal lives.

They know we have condoms in the bedside table and we don't count them.
The rest is up to them.

[HereSince1628]

9. I apparently raised my kids to abstain from marriage.

The youngest is about to turn 30.

[knitter4democracy]

10. It's complicated.

We're raising them to try to stay abstinent until marriage but to be safe and to decide for themselves. See, we were raised to save ourselves for marriage, and we didn't have sex until we knew we were going to get married. We dealt with a lot of guilt for what we did do, though, and we definitely don't want to saddle our kids with that. Guilt doesn't lead to healthy behavior, and I just want them to be happy and healthy. If they choose to have sex outside of marriage, I would hope that they would be safe and would feel that they could turn to me about anything.

My mom always told me to wait for marriage, but she and I have also always been able to talk about everything. Now that we're both old married women ( ;) ), we talk about our sex lives and ask each other advice. I want that with my kids--nothing off-limits.

[Beaverhausen]

11. Too late

Well, I only have sort of stepkids but it's too late, even for the 15 year old.

[meow2u3]

12. I don't have kids

Question does not apply to me.

[tularetom]

13. My kids are 44 and 40 but I remember discussing this

it hasn't been an issue for at least 25 years. Apparently it didn't get through to my daughter who had to get married a couple months after graduating HS. None of us would have bet this would last but it has lasted 25 years and produced two lovely granddaughters. My son was a totally different story. In and out of relationships since
college. Never abstinent I'm certain but finally got married at age 35. He seems to finally have grown up. My point is that I don't think my abstinence pleas got through at all but I also don't think any lasting damage has been done.

[Xithras]

14. Abstinence is the safest sex.

I chose the fourth option. My kids (my oldest anyway, the younger aren't at the age yet) are aware that abstinence is the preferred policy. Abstinent girls don't have to worry about abortion, and abstinent boys don't have to worry about child support. STD's don't infect people who don't have sex. I'm not coming out of the reich wing with this either...my wife and I were teen parents and know full well what the "worst case scenario" can be. We got lucky in that we ended up married many years later, but that's a pretty rare outcome.

On the other hand, we also make it clear that while we might be disappointed if they engage in promiscuous sex, we are strong advocates of safe sex once the abstinence issue is taken off the table. We're more "anti-premarital pregnancy" than "anti-premarital sex". They also know that I consider people to be adults once they become parents, and that I have no interest in supporting them once that happens. If they create a child, they lose their college funds (placed into a trust for the grandchild) and will be expected to immediately go to work and support it.

Our theory is to create a strong disincentive to have promiscuous unprotected sex. They know up front what the potential ramifications are, and we hope that will make them take their time and avoid risky behavior.

[TrogL]

15. When her boyfriend's living arrangements became untenable

I suggested he move in.

No, they're not married.

[seabeyond]

16. you did a good job with htis poll. reading thru abstinence, thinking

man, i am not even going to use the word. we talk about sex no problem and responsibility and so much more,.... but not abstinence. and sure enough, you had a place for me to vote

[wtmusic]

17. My kids must sign a pledge not to watch "Long Dong Silver"

or any other video recommended by Clarence Thomas.

[mondo joe]

18. I have 2 preteen daughters. My only real concerns about

sexual activity are unintended consequences (STDs, pregnancy), and them being pressured to do things they don't want to do.

The principles we're trying to instill are that 1. they need to take care of themselves and 2. their bodies belong to them.

My hope is that they are safe and doing what they want to do.

[PassingFair]

24. Try this: Men are like sheep...

...and its up to YOU whether you
are going to be the Shepherdess, or
the grazing material.

Nod to Tracey Ullman!

[mondo joe]

27. With nothing but love for Tracey Ullman, I'd rather my daughters

think of their partners as equals and partners - not sheep.

[PassingFair]

30. Did you ATTEND high school?

From my experience, and the observations of the experiences of my friends and acquaintences...
It is far better for the individual and for society when the female sets the limits.

[mondo joe]

32. Yup. And I'm not interested in perpetuating the same old crap.

My intent is for my daughters to own their own bodies and make their own choices - but not to regard men as "sheep" in doing so.

And who knows if boys will be the sexual partners of choice anyway?

[PassingFair]

33. "to own their own bodies and make their own choices"

That's all I'm saying.
NOT to get drunk and let the football team have
a go at them. Because they will....

Baaaaaaaaaa

[mondo joe]

34. Sure. We just think there are ways to do that without putting down

others - especially as an entire agenda.

"Men are sheep" is no better than any of the nasty things that are said about women.

And it's the wrong focus. Regardless of WHAT others are, you still need to be responsiible for your self.

:-)

[PassingFair]

42. It was a simple simile for...

...they will have sex with practically any female that
appears willing.

Maybe I should have said "Rabbits"

[mondo joe]

50. I don't mind the joke, and I get it, and it's funny.

But like most jokes it's funny because it hit on the worst, in both gender stereotype AND relationships between genders.

Not to make too much of it, but while I can laugh when Tracey says it -- I'm not using it as the basis for bringing up my kids. I'd rather they regard others as individuals, not genders. And definitely not as sheep.

[PassingFair]

51. OK, OK, I get it! I should have said...

TEENAGE BOYS are like sheep!

:) I kid, I kid.

(Kind of)

[KingFlorez]

19. I don't have kids, but

I voted to raise them to wait until their ready, but I would also like to say it's important that they find the right person first.

[sendero]

20. To do that..

... I'd have to believe that abstinence before marriage is a good idea. I don't.

I do think it is important for a teen to understand the possible consequences of unprotected sex, to understand how the human reproductive system works, to understand that it is wrong to create a child "accidentally".

[maxsolomon]

21. i did it at 16 & i'd do it again

my daughter is 17 and no dates yet, despite her natural blondeness.

i'm happy, she's happy, why make an issue out of nothing? she knows not to get pregnant. i figure she'll meet some guy her freshman year & have fun, like normal.

[kevinbgoode]

22. I don't have any kids. . .

but if I did, I'd tell them they can't have sex with a Republican ever because I want it to be an enjoyable, loving, fulfilling experience.

[bemildred]

23. I hope they fuck their brains out, safely, when they feel like it. nt

[bloom]

25. I know someone

who raised his daughter to be abstinent. She got married at 20 and got divorced in 3 months.

[PassingFair]

26. I am HORRIFIED at the idea that one of my girls would

...marry the first guy she slept with OR waited until after
marriage to find out he liked "baby talk" or something
equally repulsive.

I am raising them to be responsible for themselves, and
to CHOOSE not to be exploited by men in ANY way.

I am NOT encouraging them to believe in romantic
"swept away" fantasies that wind up like Brittney
Spear's marriages.

Clear-eyed choice is my goal for my daughters, so
they will have no regrets and no one to blame
but themselves if things go south.

No Victim-hood, please!

[knitter4democracy]

37. It's not necessarily either-or.

I know many people who were waiting for marriage who didn't lower their standards just so they could have sex. My husband and I waited for each other and waited until we were sure we were going to get married before any sexual activity. No, we didn't wait for our wedding night, but I don't know many who do (and we went to an evangelical college). I don't regret not waiting, and I don't regret any of my relationships prior to marriage, as I learned a lot about myself in each one.

I like your term "clear-eyed choice." That makes a lot of sense. I noticed when I taught high school, though, that there wasn't enough of that--until after the fact, anyway. That would be a great goal, though.

[PassingFair]

44. I agree, Knitter.

:hi:

I would like to think of them having relationships
based on great expectations. They won't always pan
out, but I would hate to see them become users OR
usees.<--------is that a WORD?

[Left Is Write]

46. I know someone very dear to me who waited...

She was married at 31 and waited for her husband. Whether they waited until their wedding night, I don't know for certain, but I doubt it. Still, she didn't meet him until she was 30, and she slogged through a lot of toads to find the right guy. She just didn't sleep with any of them.

Interestingly, I also met my husband at 30 and married at 31, but I was a little...er...experienced by then.

[stepnw1f]

28. Heck... I'll Put a Leash Around Their Necks Too

Why the hell not? It's the Neo-Christo way.

[ncrainbowgrrl]

29. My kids have 4 paws. No intention of having human ones so... no,...

.besides... they're all spayed or neutered.

[Yollam]

31. Of course not. What a ludicrous idea.

They'll have condoms when they want them and hopefully, they'll wait until they're ready. Telling your kids to stay virgins until marriage or whatever age is a good way to get them to be defiant and to use their sexuality as a weapon against you. It teaches them a very childish way of looking at sex - perpetuating the whole "dirty" and "shameful" notion. It's best to teach them that it is perfectly normal and natural to do it, but that one has to be ready to deal with all the emotional crap that goes along with being that intimate with another person. It would bother me if they started at it age 14, since that seems a bit young for sex with anyone but one's own hand, but I would also hope that they didn't wait until age 19 like I did, for no reason but agonizing shyness and a lot of hangups. The late teens are a good time for sexual exploration.

[knitter4democracy]

38. How is waiting connected to shame?

I know that it is for some, but I was never taught that growing up. I feel no shame for waiting to know we were going to get married, and I don't regret that I have only had sex with one man. It's not because I think sex is dirty or shameful but instead that it's safest in a committed relationship.

It makes sense for a woman to wait until she knows that the man, the father of the potential baby, will be around to help out. It makes sense to limit sexual partners, if just to reduce the chance of STDs and unintended pregnancy with the wrong partner.

I'm not trying to pick a fight, but your post was quite inflammatory, and I'm curious why you think that teaching abstinence is so bad.

[Yollam]

39. You seem to be implying that I would teach promiscuity.

I agree that keeping the number of partners low is a good thing, but I don't think abstinence for its own sake is natural or even desirable. If it worked for you, great, but I'm glad my wife and I knew each other intimately before marriage. I'm glad I sowed my wild oats in my early 20s and don't feel the need to sow them now.

Condoms and non-penetrative sex also do a very good job of preventing disease. I will not teach my kids abstinence because I don't think that abstinence is a natural behavior for human beings. If they choose to wait until marriage, I'll respect that decision, just as I would if they decided to be celibate for life. But I don't expect either of those to happen.

What you chose to do is great - for you - but please realize that it is not the experience of the vast majority of the population who are not virgins when they marry.

[knitter4democracy]

41. Umm . . . no. I was just asking for clarification.

There are many things we teach our kids to do that aren't natural human behaviors, like washing our hands all the time, picking up after ourselves, and doing our best to avoid violence. You're right that the majority of the human population has chosen to have sex before marriage, and that does seem a more "natural" course. I'm just not convinced it's the right one.

I teach my children that their bodies and their decisions are theirs--I cannot force them to do anything. I want them to respect themselves and their decisions and try to live without guilt and shame being overriding factors in their behavior choices. That said, I don't mind teaching them that abstinence really does make the most sense overall, just as many other things that we don't think of doing make sense in the long run.

I was responding to the rhetoric you chose to use--saying that it's always about sex being shameful and dirty to people who choose to wait. It often has little to do with those ideas, in my experience.

[OzarkDem]

52. Sowing wild oats

I recall so many parents (including my own) during the 60's began having extramarital affairs, primarily because they had been raised during sexually repressive times and married at fairly early ages.

Many didn't have to opportunity to "sow wild oats" and never had a sex partner other than their spouse. Extramarital affairs were a way to satisfy their curiosity and boredom. Many also married because they were in serious relationships, wanted to have sex and marriage was the only avenue available. Unfortunately, many weren't well matched and ended up divorcing later.

The whole purpose of relaxing strict rules about pre-marital sex was to allow people to know more about their partners before getting married and hopefully avoid divorce in the future. I still think that's a valid argument in favor of pre-marital sex.

[Left Is Write]

47. I respect your POV, but age 19 isn't what I'd personally consider waiting.

I was 17, and I think I was too young. Maybe some people aren't too young at 17, but I was.

[IndianaGreen]

35. They know more about sex than I did when I was their age

and I am a member of the 60s generation!

Teens of Republican parents are the most obsessed about sex and the most active.

[BigMcLargehuge]

36. Other - I'm not raising the kids

we're letting them grow up "free range"...
























:hide:

[Jack Rabbit]

40. None of the above

I have two sons, both of whom are now adults. They were both born in the early 1980s.

When each boy was a freshman in high school, I did something I would not have contemplated doing when each was born: I gave him a pack of condoms with the explanation: "You are supposed to go to my funeral some day, not I to yours."

One may raise a child to be aware that abstinence until this or that time is the best way to avoid the complications of a sexual relationship, but we all know it doesn't work that way in the heat of passion. I had no intention of being in the back seat after the junior prom.

So the best I could do was to inform them that, while sex has obvious immediate rewards, there were certain consequences of which they should be aware. These days, that includes death. Beyond that, there was nothing I could do.

[Jigarotta]

43. I raised my kid to trust in her own judgement. nt

[noamnety]

45. I don't assume she'll get married

That's one of the things that bothers me about those chastity balls, or the silver ring things - they approach life as though it's a given that people will want to spend the rest of their lives with one person.

[TexasLawyer]

48. I'm mostly just trying to keep them

alive, fed and in school.

[conflictgirl]

49. Definitely not

I'm raising them to remain abstinent until they feel ready to handle it emotionally and physically - and that they're fully aware of the consequences of sex and are prepared to face them. I lost my virginity too young, mostly because I was desperately seeking male approval and validation. My self-esteem was terrible. I don't want my kids to make that decision.

My husband waited until he was 18 and had very few partners, and was always very cautious about condom use. But I knew before marriage that we would be mostly compatible sexually. I have a family member-by-marriage in the situation where he and his wife were both virgins until their wedding night for religious reasons. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but the fact that his wife is adamantly opposed to any form of oral sex has been a big problem. Because they felt it would've been immoral to even discuss the topic before marriage, they're now in a marriage where they have some fairly major sexual incompatibility. That's not something I would have wished for myself, or for my kids. Beyond that, I don't feel that their sexuality is much of my business. I'll teach them to respect their bodies and the bodies of their partners, and about birth control and STDs, but to remain virgins until marriage? Personally, that's not my approach. I'll teach them that abstinence until marriage is an acceptable choice, but more than anything I'm going to teach them that communication before and after beginning a sexual relationship is key. Even if they opt to stay virgins until marriage, I want them to be able to have the kinds of conversations that will help them decide if they're likely to be sexually compatible.

Then of course you have my parents, who were Christians and told my grandmother (Mom's mom) that they wanted to get married so they could "become intimate". Grandma never set that guideline for them; it was self-imposed. And luckily for them the marriage has turned out well. But that's definitely not something I want to hear my kids tell me. I'm responsible for instilling my values and trying to keep them safe until they're legal adults, but beyond that I completely do not feel that their sex life is my business, any more than mine is any of *their* business.