How can I help my sister? She's starting chemo on Tuesday...

[Flaxbee]

recurrent breast cancer, after 10 years cancer-free. I live clear across the country and will be visiting her in the coming months, but is there anything you wish someone had done for you while you were going through chemotherapy? Anything you wish they hadn't done or said? She's my big sister; she's always taken care of me and now I need to know what I can do to help her, even from afar.


Any thoughts, input, suggestions are more than welcome. Thank you so much.

[pecwae]

1. I'm terribly sorry ot hear about your sister.

After 10 years, too. In the back of our minds we who've had cancer know it can reappear at any time, but learn to go on with life normally as much as possible. Now she's a 'patient' again after being a survivor for so long and her world has become abnormal again.

I know you're living far from her, so some of these suggestions might require that you either pay for or contact someone that you know who lives near her to do. The very biggest thing is to stay in contact, though. Let her know you're there to talk with, to let her vent.

In my own case I had taken care of everyone around me for so long that it was very hard to unload my feelings about treatment, living with cancer and the possibility of death. I urgently needed to talk about these things, but everyone just glossed things over because they loved me and didn't want this to be happening. So, when she needs and wants to talk about anything just listen. At lot of times we don't need much beyond a sympathetic ear.

If you could afford it get a cleaning service to come in as needed when treatment starts to affect her. If you can't afford that maybe talk to family or friends in her area to arrange that if and when she desires. If she has small children having a trustworthy soul come to amuse them when she's fatigued helps. Meal preparation is a hurdle as well and she needs to eat good quality foods and may not feel like getting them together. Having an MP3 player, crossword books, portable crafts helped me immensely through chemo.

When you find out what her treatment reginmen is please post it. There may be more specific suggestions then.

Please take care of yourself as well.
:hug:

[Flaxbee]

2. thank you, pecwae...

she'd just found out, too, that she did NOT have the breast cancer gene, so she was flying pretty high, feeling very good. Then, boom! Rapidly growing lumps in both breasts turn out to be Stage 3 cancer, all a month before her 50th birthday. She has no kids, but an extremely supportive husband who has just been a gem ever since she found out - they've been together for 30 years, so he knows her probably better than the rest of her family. And a very good friend of hers had a double mastectomy after having been cancer-free for 13 years, so at least someone close to her understands what she's going through.

Great idea about a cleaning service; I'll look into that. I know she'll be having chemo for 16 weeks, every two weeks starting tomorrow; the balance of her treatment will be a combination of two drugs, followed by a third drug for the final 4-6 treatments, I think. She'll have her schedule finalized tomorrow, I believe.

I know she can handle the pain/discomfort, etc.; the thing that upsets me so much is that she's afraid and sad and scared. Goddamn I wish I could take that away somehow.

Thanks again. :hug:

[flamingyouth]

3. I'm keeping you and your sister in my thoughts.

I'm about to embark on chemo myself on Wednesday (for the first time).

I really feel for you because it must be hard being so far away from her. I've come to realize that in many ways my cancer has been harder on my family members than it has been on me. I hate seeing the worry on the faces of my parents and my fiance.

With regard to your question about "anything you wish they hadn't done or said?" - you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person, I just don't think that's possible. :D

Wishing your sister success in her treatment, and I'm thinking of you as well. :hug:

[Flaxbee]

4. hey, flamingyouth - thank you

I'll be sending you "good chemo vibes" for Wednesday and for all your treatments. This is my sister's first time, too, as with her first diagnosis 10 years ago they did a lumpectomy and radiation, so she (and you) are embarking on a whole new experience. I've read that the anti-nausea drugs are now much, much better than even 5-10 years ago, so I hope you have no (or very little) discomfort.

:hug: to you, too.

[pecwae]

5. Welfare check on your sis.

How did Tuesday go for her? The first session is very anxiety ridden.

[Flaxbee]

6. Hi pecwae -- thanks so much for checking in.

She had the catheter inserted Monday, and the first chemo on Tuesday went pretty well, so far as I know. No nausea or other yukkiness that I know of. She might not be telling us everything; her husband is there and being an absolute angel and really taking care of her. I think, because she is the "big sister", that she is STILL trying to protect us all.

She went to get fitted for a wig today (Friday). I really don't care if she has hair or not, but I can't stop crying. It's not about the hair, but I just can't stand the thought that she's afraid or sad or depressed. It's not about me, this is about her, but I fell apart today. She didn't call us today or email us, either, so I think the wig thing was hard for her.

Physically, I think she's OK. Did your family fall apart on you? I know my sister doesn't need to hear her baby sister sniveling over the phone, but I just haven't been able to keep my emotions in check.

[pecwae]

7. I only have my husband and daughter

and both were very strong for me. Even though they were both afraid and weepy the first day of diagnosis, as was I, we all came to realize there would be good and bad days and we would all get through them.

Yes, the wig was probably hard for her. It was for me. It isn't vanity, it's more the looking like a cancer patient thing. Our bodies are subjected to all sorts of medical procedures, cut, burned, poked, by the indignity of being bald on top of it is a lot to bear. And, yes, chemo anti nausea has come a long way and it's not the problme it used to be, thank goodness!

She still may be operating in the protection mode for you as you say. It's part of her normal self and she may need to hold onto normal bits to keep a sense of balance. The best you can do it to let her to do for herself.

It doesn't seem that hearing you crying over the phone would make anything worse. So go ahead and call her and if you break down, you break down. It's okay. Being strong and supportive doesn't mean you must control your emotions at all times and as you're the little sister she won't be surprised by it. Support means listening, being there emotionally, and tears are sometimes involved.

From what I've read here you're the best little sister anyone could possibly have! Whatever you do will be right. Be as you've always been with her and let her know you're ready to hear whatever she has to say.

Take care and keep us updated.:hug:

[ellie]

8. My big sister

was just diagnosed with uterine cancer. She starts her treatments soon and on Saturday I am going with her when she gets fitted for a wig. I still can't believe that she is sick. But I told her that me, my mom, and my other sister won't let her go through it alone that we will be there with her.

[OzarkDem]

9. Check in with her

Call her and let her talk, be supportive, let her lean on you.

Send her a nice gift basket with nice goodies like relaxation CD's, scented candles, aromatherapy items, crossword puzzle books, etc.

Here are some helpful links:

http://www.cancergifts.com/index.php?page=baskets_women.php

See if you can contact a local housecleaning service and give her a gift certificate.

Another good one is the old reliable - flowers or plants.

Its so nice of you to want to help!