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Hello everyone! I posted this in another forum here, and would also like to introduce myself to you all. I have been a DUer since 2001, though I do more lurking than posting.
I'm a 55-year-old happily married wife, mother of 2 teens, and therapist. I've always been healthy and health-conscious (though there's always room for improvement in the nutrition area-- did my share of junk, esp sweets). I had been feeling very run-down since an awful sinus infection laid me low in March. My husband, who had been a "housedad" for years while I brought in the bucks, got a new job right in the middle of my illness , and I attributed part of my failure to bounce back to having to suddenly having to do most of the house and kid tasks he had been handling, as well as my very busy practice. But I just couldn't get my energy back. I started going to an acupuncturist, did some Chinese herbs, but I still felt I was dragging myself thru my day and everything was a huge effort. Started to think something was seriously wrong with me, but wasn't sure what kind of doctor would be appropriate.
Then Mother's Day weekend, it struck. I'm perimenopausal and had the "period from hell"-- huge amounts of bleeding. Took some herbs, but it didn't slow down much and by Monday morning I could barely walk. Went to the ER, they had to give me transfusions. Then my husband and I were told that blood work revealed I had leukemia- the ALL type. Shock, disbelief, the beginning of an utter nightmare.
Hooked up with a medical center not far away that is one of the cutting-edge places for treatment of this and related diseases. Was told that untreated I would quickly die, but that the disease was very treatable and probably curable. A lovely doctor that first morning told me that I would see my grandchildren.
So me, who buys organic whenever possible and was so proud of the fact that I never took any medications, was suddenly ushered onto the world of high-tech medicine. Current regimen is that I go inpatient for 4-5 days for intensive chemo, then go home, with frequent clinic visits, then they leave me alone for a week or two, then the cycle starts again.
Emotionally I can't begin to relate what this has been like. I have a very strong feeling that I will live and that I will grow spiritually from this devastating event. I am summoning up everything I have learned all my life about meditating, visualizing, staying in the moment. I feel I have to drop my old habits of anxiety, my judgments, my attack thoughts. The outpouring of love from friends and family has been like an intense wave. Friends I love but have slipped away from because of physical distance and our demanding daily lives have been there for me so incredibly. One friend, whose husband had lymphoma and had a successful stem-cell transplant in this same hospital, slept in my room nearly every night and is incredibly loving, supportive, plus knows a lot medically and knows all the ropes of this surprisingly well-run, well-staffed and comfortable hospital. She and her husband are angels on earth. My husband, whose new job is very demanding (tho thankfully right here in our town) is struggling with work and all the hosehold tasks. My kids are stepping up to the plate and learning to cook and wash clothes-- I know, I know, high time!
Battling the negativity has been intense. The shock, the fear, the intense envy of people going about obliviously healthy and on their way to Memorial weekend parties. The awful obsession, the inability to concentrate or distract myself with book or TV. The terrible nightmares, at first, about wandering lost, losing control of my bowels-- a symbol for loss of control of my life.
This week I had a reprieve of sorts. At clinic Wed the doctor came in beaming and told me my blood counts were returning to normal after being devastated by the illness and the chemo, and that I seemed to be bouncing back extremely well (a good prognostical sign, I have heard elsewhere). He told me I could go home and "forget for a little while that I had cancer". He took me off all my meds and dietary restrictions, and I no longer had to stay away from public places because my immune system was rising. We could take my daughter out to a restaurant for her 13th birthday on Sunday. I can even see a few clients next week in my abandoned office! I only have to go back to the grueling, anxiety-producing clinic once more until my next 4-day chemo inpt stay on the 18th. My family and I were elated-- I had been working on feeling hopeful but this gave me a huge infusion of the stuff. In fact, I felt I had risen from the underworld and returned to earth and the human race.
Since then my energy has been rising every day-- I'm puttering, hangin in the living room more instead of in bed, making myself little meals. Very concentrated on diet, I feel this is essential--the grains, beans, veggie, fruit route-- I crave this stuff, don't even want a sweet. I feel energetic and can finally concentrate on a book or movie.
I know there are many challenges to come. I need to stay very positive but I also need to cry and go through all my feelings. Everybody is bringing me books, which is so kind but rather overwhelming. Among them-- "The Secret", which contains a lot of ideas I've been using for years-- I used visualization to find my mate, develop my practice, etc. The part that doesn't fit for me is the part that doesn't let you have a negative thought-- I feel it's unhealthy to stuff down negativity and you have to feel it, express it, and move on.
Thank you all for listening to my tale-- it feels so good to write it down. Any light, suggestions or support you might be able to send me would be so welcome. Bless and keep you all.
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