United States of America (Press Release) September 4, 2008
-- LEVI JOHNSON INKS DEAL WITH CSKA MOSCOW
by Pleated Chinos - Moscow
September 4, 2008
In a move that took both hockey and political insiders by complete surprise, CSKA Moscow, the Central Sports Army Hockey Club (better known in the U.S. ‘The Red Army Team’) announced the signing of Wasilla, Alaska High School senior Levi Johnson. Johnson, who has only recently become known to the American
public as the future son-in-law of Republican VP Nominee Sarah Palin was not expected to sign any professional deal of any kind until after his yet unscheduled nuptials.
CSKA head coach Viktor Shkurdiuk announced the deal upon his return to Moscow from Juneau, Alaska, where he had rushed to attend a hastily planned ceremony. He said he was “most pleased” to sign the young media (if not hockey) phenom to what insiders described as a “two-year tour with a club option”. Moments after the signing, Johnson was whisked off to St. Paul to join his glowing fiancée and her family at the Republican Convention.
Reached at a St. Paul trailer park last night, Mr. Johnson said he was “relieved” that in such a such a short period of time he has secured a job that will allow him to provide for his new wife and the child they are expecting in December, adding, “and at least there I don’t have to worry about the kid having health coverage”. When asked if his bride would be joining him in his new home, he echoed the sentiments of his new in-laws last week when he said, “That’s Bristol’s decision, and she knows that she has my full support and unconditional love.”
He appeared to become agitated with the press when asked if he thought his playing for the ‘Red Army’ club might stir up controversy at home. “Look,” he responded, “I have a wife and baby on the way, and not necessarily in that order. ‘Ice Road Truckers’ is on hiatus. How do you expect me to support my family? Besides, even if the NHL was interested, anyone in Wasilla will tell you that Russia’s a lot closer to home. As far as that Red Army stuff goes, I’ve been a proud member of the Redneck Army ever since the first time I sat in my mother’s lap and held a gun – so what’s the diff? Besides, Mrs. Palin has always treated me like family. Her son’s going back for another tour of duty in Iraq, so I figure she’s got me penciled in for Afghanistan. The Red Army? Been there done that. It’s one less thing I have to worry about.”
While the McCain campaign said that it had “no statement at this time”, a spokeswoman for Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, announced, “We are most pleased to welcome Mr. Johnson to our country.” She later went on to add, “We see this as the dawn of a new era. If this young man as even half as popular here as other American Levis, the result could be a new ‘Bridge of Friendship’ between Russia and Alaska.”
While hockey jerseys bearing Levi Johnson’s name have not yet been released, unofficial McCain/Palin merchandise is available at www.TheSystemStinks.com
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