difficulty with eye contact

[Aspy in Bend]

One of the issues with Asperger Syndrome and other Autism spectrum disorders, is the difficulty making eye contact or keeping eye contact.

The frustration is that NT's keep telling us that it is polite to have eye contact, and that you should try to do it, even if it is hard. As if we need a constant reminder that we're rude when not making constant eye contact.

Here's a different point of view. Maybe it is time for NT's to accept that people with Autism really do feel uncomfortable with making eye contact. Over the years I have been able to make eye contact for longer periods of time. What I have found as well is that it is a good gage of where I am in regards to anxiety.

If I'm totally relaxed and comfortable with the person I'm having a conversation with, I can hold eye contact for long periods of time (almost as long as what NT's would think is normal) Now, if the conversation veers off in a direction that may be uncomfortable with me, my amount of eye contact will diminish or disappear all together. That is a signal of an awkward situation developing: how do I change the subject without being rude? How do I excuse myself from this situation? Too many social questions, with too few answers...

If the person you're having the conversation with, is a good friend (or family, or loved one) it would be good to let that person in on this tidbit of information. When they see that your eye contact becomes less, then maybe they need to evaluate the situation, and 'help' you get past the awkward zone. It will probably take a few minutes, but it is worth it for both parties involved.

I understand that some AS / Autistics have hardly any eye contact at all, maybe a few split second intervals. Well that is at least a start, maybe that is their base line. In their case, maybe if you're used to seeing a few split second eye contact moments, and all of a sudden there are none and you notice that the AS / Autistic is looking away and starts facing a different direction ever so slightly, then step back and 'help' them through the awkward zone.

I don't know if what I tried to describe made any sense, but it does seem to work for me. If you need any other explanation, let me know...

[BlueStorm]

1. I've have that problem

I actually had well meaning teachers throughout my life get on me about "eye contact." The thing is that I just don't think about it. I tend to look around when I am talking and/or when someone is talking to me. Being hearing impaired doesn't help either. My mom gets on me when she is talking and I tend to look away and then a few minutes later go "What did you say?" Oh! It actually irks her. But the thing is, I really never look people in the eyes, it's just not comfortable.

Blue

[bloom]

2. I read somewhere

that Aspies, etc. tend to look at the mouth of the person talking - lip reading really.

That is what I am most comfortable doing. I do try to force myself to consider a persons entire face and their eyes, esp. in certain situations where I know that people expect it.


I've noticed my husband has a habit of not looking at people at all - looking all over the place and then every now and then looking at the person he is talking to. Esp. people that he is not as familiar with. I don't think that he thinks about it.


There are all kinds of "rules" that people who consider themselves socially "adept" make for the rest of us. I think it's a dang nuisance.

Yesterday - I was talking with someone who was concerned about a relative, a young woman, who tended to say "off the wall" - what could be considered "rude" things. The person I was talking to - also thought that she was overly self-absorbed. I suggested that the person might have Asperger's. It's funny how that affects how people might think about someone's behavior. Like if you expect everyone to be this rigid, conforming, particular way - then anyone different can seem "bad" (or something). And if you think that some people just have different approaches to the world - (like that they say what they think) - and there is a particular filter (like Asperger's, that describes such behavior) - then other people may not think as badly about them. Or maybe some people would. Like people who want to think that anyone who is different is "bad" anyway - label or not.

[thedeadchicken]

7. I was hoping to find a post on the lip-reading thing...

I rarely make eye contact, even with very close friends and relatives (this brings the question, why didn't somebody else notice this prior to my 20s, but that's another issue entirely...). Part of the reason is I do get really uncomfortable--I'm not sure if it's a perceived intimacy thing on my part that I'm trying to avoid or if I just get bored focusing on one thing for too long (probably a bit of both)--but another very important part of it is that I do look at people's mouths because, quite frankly, I can't understand what they're saying. My hearing's fine, it's just that for some reason anytime a person talks it sounds like they're mealy-mouthed or something. It seems to get better if the person's diction is very good (actors and anyone who speaks publically, often) or once I adjust to the individual. Suffice it to say, first conversations are often awkward, with me asking "pardon?" and "what did you say?" over and over again.

But, hey, at least I can watch TV with the volume muted.

[hunter]

3. My language abilities go right out the window when I look at people.

English? It might as well be Martian. Even though I speak English I know what it sounds like as an unintelligible foreign language, especially when I'm interrupted unexpectedly, or I'm looking at someone's face. I can almost look at people long enough to be polite, but it's hard for me to remember what someone is saying when I'm looking at them. On television if the closed captioning is good, say like on Studio 60, I watch that, and it's wonderful.

I had a teacher in eighth grade who took it upon himself to make me a "polite listener" and a "good man." He was convinced he could. A couple of times he'd take me out of the classroom to lecture me after I'd done some especially stupid junior high school stunt.

"Look at me!" he'd say, and I would, and it would be like "blah, blah, blah, blah...BLEH LOOK AT ME!" and pretty soon I'd just have to run away. He'd be in the middle of lecturing me, and away I'd go. The first time he got really angry, but after that he'd just go back into the classroom and call the office.

I spent a lot of time on trash duty at recess for things like that, and I actually liked it, because all I had to do was pick up trash, and that made some kind of sense to me. No worries, I didn't have to be social, I was just picking up trash.

[lumberjack_jeff]

4. The other POV

I'm pretty much neurotypical, but I have two sons who are, to varying degrees, on the spectrum.

I'm very aware how difficult it is for my youngest to maintain eye contact, I've tried to help him by suggesting he look at my nose or my eyebrows or something that is less challenging.

Although difficult, eye contact is an important skill. It would be nice to be able to train neruotypicals to interpret a darting glance, fidgeting and conversational discomfort in a benign way, but nt's are hardwired to interpret these things as physical manifestations of dishonesty. Although it's not an issue in a family situation or even among friends or teachers, an inability to manage this skill will prove a significant hurdle in situations like a job interview. I wish it were otherwise.

My experience with my son has made me realize a lot of things, not only about ASD, but also about nt's. We have our own hardwired predispositions and social expectations that are built in, not learned. Un-learning them is no less difficult.

[KamaAina]

5. How do you think I ended up out here in the first place?

Among the various Asian and Pacific Island cultures that make up about two-thirds of Hawai'i's population, too much eye contact is not considered a good thing, even among NTs. Locally it is called "stink eye"!

[Aspy in Bend]

6. I like the 'stink eye'

I chuckled reading your post about how different cultures view eye contact. May I ask what 'stink eye' is in the native language. I might have to use that next time someone is trying to have too much eye contact with me. Hehe...

[hunter]

8. Mexico is like that too.

I live in a place that is very Mexican, and that may be one of the reasons I'm more comfortable here than in the place I grew up which was 99.44% ivory soap white.

[Pithlet]

9. Very intersting.

Maybe I and my family should move to Hawai'i. My son makes very little eye contact, and I've never been much good at it. I have to consciously remind myself to maintain eye contact when talking with people face to face. I remember a teacher had my parents send me to get my hearing evaluated because she thought I was reading lips. I was probably trying to mimic what I saw others doing during conversation by looking at faces, but not realizing I was supposed to look at the eyes. I'm not diagnosed with aspergers, but I've always felt I was different from most people, and going through the process with my son makes me think I may fall on the spectrum somewhere, too.