becoming a teenager

[mzteris]

..... my son just turned 13 a couple of months back.

He's always been "quirky". Usually fairly delightfully so, IMHO (but then I *am* prejudiced as I'm him mom. :D) A little annoying at times, but overall - ok.

Lately, though. I dunno. The mood swings. The angry outbursts. The absolutely totally mind-numbingly over-the-top SILLY behaviour (especially at bedtime. Sometimes at dinner.)

I used to try and 'coach' him through some of the more difficult issues (friends - or lack thereof, etc.) and he used to listen - at least some of the time. But now, no. I'm just an OLD MOM and what the heck do *I* know! (about anything!!) and he's driving some kids who he was sorta getting along with away.

He's developed a 'mean streak', too. This from a kid whose empathy quotient worked overtime for most of his life.

I'm thinking he needs to 'see someone' - maybe some meds (major anxiety disorder) - but hubby. Well - hubby is in denial :sigh: he refuses to consider there's a "problem" - it's just teenage angst. He'll grow out of it, etc.... (Of course he refuses to recognize the fact that son is on the 'spectrum', too.)

So, is this just a TEENAGE thing? Will it pass? Will it get worse? Any advice out there?

[goddess40]

1. I noticed the same in our 13 year old

it just seemed like the weight of the world caught up to him. What most people blame on hormones is actually the changes taking place in the brain so I'm guessing it could possibly affect our kids more.
My son see's a therapist and a psychiatrist, partly due to the tail spin he's been in since our Springer died - the dog was not only his best friend but really his only friend.

[mzteris]

2. when you add in the facts

that we moved to a new state just a few months ago, I'm trying desperately to come out of a depression, and Dad and I don't agree on much of anything anymore :( - then I think on top of puberty it's a recipe for disaster.

He's bored. He's lonely. He's confused. He wants to be "normal" while at the same time he's terrified of being "average" and 'just like everybody else'.

He doesn't get along with the "typical kid". He gets along okay with other quirky kids - and adults. He *seems* very personable to the casual observer, but he really isn't - not with his peer age group.

There's a girl at dance who's very AS - almost more in the autistic range - (her brother is autistic) - and it's like he's desperate to separate himself from her to the point of being mean. I'm really beside myself about it. He's never been 'mean' to others (except his little brother) before.

We've always been very close and able to talk about anything. And now he's like 'whatever' about anything I say to him.

[citizen snips]

3. I was the same way

but I eventually cooled down.

[mzteris]

4. how long did it take?

Any advice for me, him?

I mean, if you could go back and tell your parents or your younger self anything that might make it better - what would that be?

[citizen snips]

5. until I got to high school.

you mentioned something about meds I use take concentration pills i.e Attoral and Concerta but that just added on to my stress. If I could go back and give my past self some adivice is to be less reactive and stop and think.

[hunter]

6. Teenage things...

My teenage kids are extremely volatile. Nitroglycerin. Not nearly so bad as I was however. They don't break windows or punch holes in the walls. They don't get into fights at school.

I remember being very stable, even sure of myself when I was twelve or so. I knew I wasn't like other kids, but I didn't care much about what people thought about me, and I was happy with my obsessions -- computers, electricity, etc., having dealt with my crisis of weirdness in the third grade, and deciding it was okay to be different.

Then all the sudden I was someone else. It was as if all my memories had been transfered into the body and mind of an insane person. The well honed precisions of my thinking processes evaporated and my head was filled with noise. I didn't achieve any sort of stability again until I was 24 or 25 years old, and that stability was very hard won -- being asked to leave college twice, being estranged from my parents, brief periods of homelessness, eating disorders, useless obsessions, compulsions, etc.

I'm not sure how I would have responded to modern meds. I'm even less certain how much of my recovery was due to my chemistry settling down, and how much was due to my learning coping skills of various sorts.

I do know physical exercise was very important to my survival. I biked, ran, and swam, and when I didn't have jobs involving heavy physical labor (loading trucks, furniture moving, etc.) I'd work out in the college gym.

I'm very fortunate that even at my very worst (and there was one psychotic episode precipitated by a change in meds that was a real screamer!) there was always someone there looking out for me. But it seems my guardian angel is a great believer in pain as a teacher. He'll let you fall of a cliff past midnight into an angry surf, smash you around on the rocks, but then he'll distract the great white shark who hears you thrashing and smells your blood until you've climbed out of the water.

[gratefultobelib]

7. Two of my grandsons are on the spectrum (different daughters, no less).

One is 3 and the other is 10. (They're both delightful, I must add!) The 10-yr-old is on Concerta, and it makes a huge difference as to his "silliness quotient." His pediatrician prescribed it, and my daughter was very hesitant to try it, but is now very thankful for it.

I know what you mean about the denial bit. My daughter's husband and her in-laws still don't think there's anything wrong with my grandson except my daughter is "too lenient" with him. Oh please....

I think you should look for some professional help for your son. There is so much more knowledge and info about the autism spectrum available. My daughter just basically ignored her husband and went out and got a diagnosis, medication, etc. without him.

[hunter]

8. Kids suffer this denial immensely.

On the other side of the coin is the expectation that drugs will make a kid's behavior closer to normal and more manageable. That's another kind of denial.

There are problems drugs won't fix, and schools and families have to accomodate those. Certain kinds of "silliness" are a creative adaptation to these problems.

Left to their own devices I think pre-adolescent kids are remarkably tolerant of many kinds of silliness. They are not tolerant when bad attitudes percolate down from adults. If an adult acts like some kid is possessed by demons that need to be drugged or beaten out of the kid, then the other kids will pick up on that too. If an adult accepts the problem with good humor and grace, the kids will pick up on that. Maybe that's true for teenagers too, even though they are a different sort of creature.

I was most disruptive in the classes where I irritated the teacher the most. I could get ...is a pleasure to have in class on the very same report card as ...classroom behavior is unsatisfactory, the difference being that one teacher could accommodate a certain level of silliness, and the other could not.

At one point I decided to teach like Welcome Back Kotter (Internet Movie Database), but the only way I could keep my classrooms in order was to be a strict disciplinarian -- probably because I was blind to much of what goes on between kids. I don't think that was good for the kids who were like me, which was sort of disappointing. I'm much better in situations less structured than classroom teaching or sports, where the group can accomodate everyone's differences in a relaxed manner.

I love field work, running around with a mob of kids and teaching them something about environmental science.

[sam sarrha]

9. he needs to learn to meditate or take lessons to learn to play an insturment

i did both, meditation is best for me.. you can learn to not get hooked and stray mentally and not to attach emotions to thoughts, words, things, people.. you learn to stay and focus, 10 min a day for the first month.. i like pema chodrons stuff, book; when things fall apart, and her new one,Hooked, or Shenzen youngs cd's, best book is Rob Nairn amazon has em used for $9, Jack Kornfield and sharin salzberg at insight meditation.. http://www.dhamma.org

[mzteris]

10. funny you should mention that -

he used to meditate daily. However, when we moved to WI last August, he got out of the habit.

Also, I just recently read an article on teens/anxiety/ and the brain chemicals that "calm you down" - for many (most?) teens - the chemical has the OPPOSITE of effect of making you more anxious and crazy! Great. . .


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