Confused, and looking for answers.

[merwin]

I've been considering for the last 9 months or so about whether or not I have AS. A brief history... I've been compulsively interested in computer programming since about age 8, very intelligent, was a good student until junior high, until i dropped down to B-/C+ average. I have very few people I would consider friends, HATE (despise) social situations. I never feel like I fit in when I'm around other people, and tend to do better socially on the internet than in person.

I got my first girlfriend at the age of 19, and she is currently my wife (with a son who turns 1 in a week). I have a phobia of foreign countries speaking languages that I don't understand (I tend to panic). I found that out because my current job has taken me to Asia recently. I prefer to stay at home and be on the computer or with my family rather than go places. My wife's is a stay-at-home mom, while I'm a work-at-home dad. Her need to leave the house every day or two is a constant source of stress between us, as I can't comprehend that need.

I have a few odd things that make me have panic attacks, namely crunching, the noise that eating with your mouth open makes, snoring, and certain kinds of buzzing noise (like electrical interference). As a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression, which turned more to anxiety in the last few years. I've been taking anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication since the diagnosis.

As for self-diagnosis, I scored a 38 on the AQ. I've talked with my wife and some of my family about it, and they think it's ridiculous... however, I'm pretty sure that they are trying to equate it directly with autism.

Any thoughts?

[lumberjack_jeff]

1. I don't think it's ridiculous.

Given what you've described, especially the sensory problems, I would get a referral to a psychologist.

[hunter]

2. A diagnosis may speed things up if you switch therapists or doctors.

Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. It's a messy business. I like a practical approach, I don't worry too much about naming things.

Doctor it hurts when I do that, and the doctor says don't do that, and maybe we work out alternate ways of accomplishing something without so much trouble.

My wife has no trouble telling me when I'm an idiot, and I rely quite a bit on her good judgment.

It sounds as if your most immediate problem may be your marriage, and you might want to work on that first. A good therapist will know if a diagnosis matters all that much.

I'm afflicted with the computer obsession, I've never felt social, I don't get any sort of positive feelings being around people, especially people I don't know.

I don't think I had the slightest clue what people were about until I was 25 or so, and until then I thought that everyone was living by these very elaborate rules, and I couldn't figure out why a guy like me, who obviously had some mental gifts, couldn't keep it all the rules straight in my head -- why I was always so damned awkward. I didn't understand the rules were innate in most people.

Besides computers, my other obsessions keep me from staying in the house. I used to run long distances until I messed up my knees. I also love fieldwork in geology, biology, or archeology. I also like to be alone. Before I met my wife I used to go out in wilderness alone, sometimes for days at a time, and it was wonderful not to have to have words in my head.

If I'm writing code or building something, every language is a foreign language, even English. It takes me a bit of concentration to engage my language ability, and people get angry at me that I didn't hear them. I did hear them, but it was just people sound. (It's probably why me and a couple of my siblings had to have speech therapy as kids.)

I can also escape words by taking our dogs on long walks. No words in their heads, none in mine. I can simply think, and not have to labor about how to explain what I'm thinking about to anyone.

[merwin]

3. I don't care much about a professional diagnosis. I do mostly self-diagnosis,

and if medication is required, I go to a doctor. Unless it's something that I'm not able to figure out myself, I won't go to a doctor.

I feel that if I understand the problem, I can find solutions. And being that AS has a lot of documentation behind it, and a lot of people can share their experiences, I can learn from it.

And my marriage needs no work. We've been happily together for over 7 years now. I had a long discussion with my wife yesterday, and went through the AQ test with her (she took it and scored a 6), and it seems to have clicked with her.

I'm not really having too many problems in life at the moment... I have a wife that has been able to put up with my emotional deficits (most of the time), put up with my weird habits and needs, and everything else that is going on. I have anti-anxiety medication to deal with much of the random panicking.

Until I really start having serious issues, I don't think that professional help is necessary.

I hope this message makes some sense. I have problems putting my thoughts to paper sometimes, especially when it's about a subject that I haven't dealt with before :)

[hunter]

4. I'm a terrible judge of my own mental states or the states of my relationships.

I've been married about three times longer than you and your wife have been together, and it took me too long to figure that out. When I'm at my very worst is usually when I think I know what's going on.

I'm not really functional without meds. There's something compelling about getting sucked into the world of my own obsessions and compulsions and anxieties, some which are quite productive, but it's hell on my family and friends.

My best times are times are when I trust my wife, and I have a doctor and a therapist I can trust, and I've got my meds right.

My worst times I just want to be left alone, and I can always come up with all sorts of justifications for that -- I tend to think everyone else has become impossibly irritating and untrustworthy rather than seeing that my own perceptions have changed.

[merwin]

6. I'm lucky that I've found meds and a doseage that works well for

the anxiety. Then there's the other 2 meds that I take for my back (motorcycle accident a few years back). Those took longer to get a combination that wouldn't make me either always insanely drowsy, insanely out of it, or not work at all.

I'm lucky to have a wife that feels free to tell me when I'm not normal, and is always honest with me. Actually, posting on this forum was one of the better things I've done recently, as it gave me the courage to have that long talk with my wife... and start saying "I don't understand" when she talks about how other people feel, instead of just staying silent and confused. I'm no nearer to understanding yet, but at least she understands a bit better what's going on in my mind.

I agree about getting sucked into your own world where nobody else exists... I spent long spans of time like that before I saw a therapist and got medicated.

Thank you so much for sharing... it's nice to know I'm not alone :)

[hunter]

7. On the other hand, my family was probably too accommodating of autistic behavior.

So long as you were not entirely dysfunctional, banging your head against the wall, hitting people, etc., you were simply yet another odd kid in a family with a long tradition of odd kids. We had relatives who were never functional, who spent their entire lives living in their own worlds, and that was the low standard we were held to. Those prickly heart breakers were balanced by the engineers and doctors and other highly focused sorts of professionals. If you did better than living alone in a studio apartment all your life supported by parents siblings and disability checks, then you were successful!

I didn't do well in my first attempts at college, I was asked to leave twice, not for my grades, which were okay, but for my bizarre behavior, the sorts of behavior that my family did not find particularly upsetting. Swimming naked in the ocean at two o'clock in the morning, who hasn't done that? Arguing with professors and teaching assistants in inappropriate ways until they boot you out of the classroom, well, it happens... I was entirely unprepared for the "real" world.

My third go at college I was successful because I learned to value the opinions of people who were not afraid to call me on my behavior. If you fall back on your disability -- any disability -- as an excuse for your bad behavior, than you are lost, because the rotten thing is that there are too many people who will excuse you, and then you can find yourself in a place of stagnation.

[lumberjack_jeff]

5. Thanks

"If I'm writing code or building something, every language is a foreign language, even English. It takes me a bit of concentration to engage my language ability, and people get angry at me that I didn't hear them. I did hear them, but it was just people sound."

This board gives me many helpful insights into my son's world view. Your contributions especially.