Aspies - isn't it annoying when people tell you you're just shy or just to ask someone out?

[Deja Q]

We all know it's rather more significant than the suggestion we're indolent, freaks, or anything else we're typically called because our 'social aspect' just isn't fully there.

[hunter]

1. Embarrassing story time!

When I was a twenty-something virgin, and apparently always going to be a virgin, and all my siblings were either married or in long term relationships, my sister-in-law took it upon herself to get me started dating. Mind you, a whole lot of other people had failed in this, including my grandma, and my friend-who-happened-to-be-a-girl, who'd thought maybe we should step away from our sometimes destructive death spiral of a non-sexual relationship by dating other people.

So my sister-in-law and my brother took me to get an expensive haircut (I HATE getting my hair cut) dressed me up in fancy scratchy uncomfortable clothes and took me to the hottest club in the city, a place where, if you couldn't find a girlfriend, at least you could get laid.

It was a noisy place full of colored lights, loud music, and writhing people. I couldn't understand a single word anyone was saying in there.

We were sitting at a table drinking, and my sister-in-law kept pointing out the women who were checking me out. In between my sister-in-law smooching with my brother (she was all over his lap) she'd nudge me, glance over at some woman, and say "She's checking you out!"

I'd look at the women, and I felt like, "Huh? How do you know she's checking me out?"

As far as I could tell they were looking at me like I was a misplaced nerd, which I was, or they were looking at my brother.

My sister-in-law eventually got exasperated with me, and before she and my brother went off to dance, she told me to get up and dance by myself, and then I'd really know who was checking me out.

After a few drinks I got the courage up to do that and I was doing my usual twitchy thing out on the floor, my version of I-couldn't-keep-a-beat-if-my-life-depended-on-it dancing.

Oh well, I thought, my dancing had always amused my friend-who-was-not-my-girlfriend and some of the elderly women I'd escorted for.

So there I was twitching and swaying, and this woman kept brushing against me, and I figured I'm just clumsy and not staying out of her way. Then I catch a glimpse of my sister-in-law who is smiling, nodding, and gesticulating "Yes! That one!" in every way she can.

So I finally acknowledge the woman, and she brightens all up and grabs my hand. I got even clumsier, but she didn't seem to mind. Pretty soon we were dancing close, trying to talk, and she's got her hand on my butt. I'm not so brave to put my hand on her butt...

And here's where it all falls apart. I finally discerned that she wanted to kiss me. So I leaned down to kiss her, our lips touch, and I feel her tongue! Aggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!

I didn't even make any polite pretense (I've always hoped I muttered "I'm sorry") and I simply bolted out of the club.

I hung around outside trying to be invisible until my brother and his wife came out. My brother thought it was sort of funny, in a "See, I told you so!" kind of way, which only irritated my sister-in-law more than she already was. She drove me home and dropped me off without saying much of anything, and I could tell she was pissed, like I'd been a total waste of her time and money.

[Deja Q]

2. I'm sorry.

:hug:

Was it because she was that forward to you or because you did not know how to communicate conversation with her?

Under that scenario, I'd have bolted too (the cacophony alone would have broken me). But you were brave to have attempted. :thumbsup:

[hunter]

3. It was that I didn't understand half of what she was saying...

... and she was listening to me babble on about myself like maybe she enjoyed it, but I couldn't really tell and I had no idea where we were going. I didn't feel like we had any real connection, except that she was a woman and I was a guy. But we hadn't hit upon any common interests besides that. And then, PANIC!, whatever sense I had of what was going on between us was so obviously faulty that I became utterly confused and overwhelmed. I felt just like the school kid I used to be -- the skinny little seventh grader who would run away from teachers as fast as I could whenever they tried to lecture me about my behavior, because I simply couldn't absorb it.

I still don't understand noisy places full of people like parties, clubs, dances, etc.. People enjoy this????? Why? I'd much rather be in a place where people can quietly talk.

[siligut]

5. My husband doesn't like noisy places.

To have you explain your feelings allows me insight into my husband’s behavior, he needs my understanding, but doesn’t/can’t always communicate in a way I can comprehend. We are good together because I am social, despite scoring relatively high on the quizzes myself.

[hunter]

6. I probably depend upon my wife too much for her social insights.

Sometimes at parties, especially the kind we have to attend for work, she'll shoo me away and I'll end up in a corner somewhere with another odd person out discussing Linux distributions or ant behavior or LED lighting or something similar.

[siligut]

7. I know about that.

My husband can be so perplexed when I describe what is going on under the surface of things, he can be resistant to believe until evidence he can perceive comes into light. He has learned to trust me on social matters, but you know it is a real sharing for us as he has some amazing computer and financial skills. I know you have strengths your wife relies on.

[Deja Q]

8. So Aspies can actually find someone and marry?

Cool.

LOL, I can't even do that right! :spray:

[siligut]

9. You have your qualities!

Let her find you. Something that you may not recognize is that we all have our stuff. My husband is the strong silent type and I approached him, my family tree has plenty of strong silent types, so I was familiar with Asperger’s growing up.

[Deja Q]

10. Let's hope so.

Let's just say I probably wouldn't understand the signals, or at the very worst misinterpret them as signs of... something that happened to me 21.5 years ago...

[hedgehog]

4. LAst night we were watching TV, and a typical liquor ad came on-

you know, people dancing the hootchie kootchie, drinks in hand, loud music, flashing lights and a bartended surveying it all. I turned to my college age daughter and asked if people really did that kind of thing. She told me yes, they do, but she hasn't the foggiest notion why.

New Year's Eve, my kids had a bunch of friends over and they spent the night talking, putting together a jig saw puzzle and playing video games. From time to time, one of them would wander off to a corner to read a book. That sounds plain, but I assure you that the last thing these kids are is boring. You wouldn't believe how much fun they had just talking.

Hang in there hunter, you sound a lot nicer than the rest of the people who were at that club!