Shadow's Medical Updates: So, I had to open my big, fat, pot smoking mouth

[shadowknows69]

And be honest to my social worker about my past and current drug use because that's what I thought you were supposed to be with your caregivers. Well now unless I agree to go through a treatment program for my "pot addiction" I won't recieve any further mental health help. The program is mandatory 5 days a week, at my own expense of course, 9am-2pm. Didn't seem to matter to them that it would be impossible for me to hold down any type of regular job because of this. So I guess I just get to go insane with the rest of the uninsured. Any cheap psychiatrists in NY here by any chance?

[Canuckistanian]

1. "pot addiction"

What a crock. Nobody EVER developed a physical dependence to marijuana. It doesn't work that way.

The medical profession knows this, but cave into the anti-marijuana zealots every time.

[shadowknows69]

2. Gotta rant more and keep kicked

I even told these people I suspect I might be borderline schizophrenic. Yeah, there's a real possibility of that unfortunately. I thought that might be a higher priority to diagnose than any substance abuse problems but I guess I'm wrong. So I need to be treated for a drug that doesn't make me hallucinate, meanwhile my own mind may be doing it for me. Ifit wasn't was expected of me I'd eat every pill in my fucking house right now, but I never like to do what's expeccted of me.

[Systematic Chaos]

3. Look at the bright side:

You can always drink a fifth of Jack every day and that would be fucking FINE since it's legal!

End massive :sarcasm:

I feel for you. I don't partake of herb myself but I completely support its legalization and I know damn well the stuff isn't physically addictive and does not cause people to get violent like alcohol or even nicotine. You need to plan how you're going to handle these little "meetings". I'd gather up research refuting every bit of their bullshit and show up with it every day, personally.

[shadowknows69]

4. Won't matter

I already had it right out with this woman on the phone and now I'll only ever be seen as adversarial there. I asked her what authority does the social worker and her, whose sole purpose is to get people into these treatment programs on a quota basis, have to diagnose me as an addict when I told her my usage was occasional and actually helped many other symptons I have. She gave me this BS about how no doctor is going to prescribe me psychotropic meds if they know I'm on pot. I said, "Oh, really?" because my regular doctor has me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and he knows I smoke. Problem is he's going to cut off my anti-D's if I'm not with a psychologist soon. I fucking give up. Time to become an alcoholic again I guess.

[Systematic Chaos]

6. Please don't even consider doing that.

When I talked about drinking it was nothing to be taken seriously. I was raised by an alcoholic mother but met some occasional stoner friends in high school who favored weed over alcohol by about 8:1. They were also the damn coolest bunch of guys I could have found to help bolster my self esteem and identity from the bullshit I had to put up with on a constant basis at home. I know it seems horrible now but I have faith that you will get through this if you focus on one day at a time.

[shadowknows69]

8. I favor weed over alcohol

it's only when depressing shit like this happens that I want to start pounding the beers again. That's what I tried to impart to these idiots, that pot actually helps keep me away from far more dangerous habits. I used to do coke by the Tony Montana pile and eat acid by the handful. Even smoked crack and did meth in the past. Beat them all. But I'm still a junkie because I indulge in a free growing plant of my mother goddess. I can't stand it.

[Warren DeMontague]

30. booze sure as shit isn't going to help you with your depression.

I would advise quite strongly against that.

[shadowknows69]

32. I know

I had my day sunday and did nothing but destructive things. Pissed my wife off, went broke and even fell off a bar stool, yep, and skinned the shit out of my elbow. Lesson relearned, believe me.

[Jackpine Radical]

7. Actually, challenging them will just piss them off.

I don't think Shadow has the luxury of doing that right now because they have ways of avenging themselves. It is not particularly smart to piss off the authorities when you are in a vulnerable position.

Shadow, I don't know how much you've been smoking lately, but here's what I suggest: First, get yourself clean. This may take a while if you've been using a lot, because THC is fat-soluble & persists in your system for up to a month. However, they probably use relatively insensitive detection technology, which means you could probably pass in a week or 2. Then, once clean, go to an ER & tell them about your hallucinations. Make it easy for them--pick an ER in a hospital that has a psych ward. This should at least get you some psychiatric attention.

And by the way, although I favor legalization of pot, I will tell you that it can amplify psychotic symptoms, particularly stuff like ideas of reference and paranoid ideation.

[shadowknows69]

10. I can't play the game, I know I'm fucked but I won't do it

My herb use is also very closely tied to my spirituality, I even tried to explain that to them but only christians have true religious freedom in this country after all. I even tried to tell them that I don't care if I'm on meds. I primarily need a therapist. I yelled at this woman that my problems were more closely related to the fact that I ahave nightmares from soldiers telling me how they've had to gun down children and shit. "Well this is our reccomendation, you can refuse it if you want"
Fuck you. I'll just make sure that if I go violently bat shit crazy I remember what floor you're on honey. Didn't say that but probably should have. Would have gotten me some therapy anyway. :eyes:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

28. Hey. Don't allow your 'rebellious' side destroy your well-being.

Read below and take advantage of all opportunities to keep yourself "kicking".

Please.

I know what it's like,...to be treated as something less than a valuable human being. But, I ask you, kindly, to take advantage of anything and everything available to sustain yourself because,...YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Don't allow your pride or independence to get in the way of taking care of you, please.

:hug:

[shadowknows69]

31. This goes beyond "rebellious" for me

If they can promise me that if I do this program that it will grant me instant SSI/Disability status then I'd do it. It's so obscene though. Pot is also a nearly religious sacrement for me and it helps other things, like arthritis that I'd rather not have to replace with a handful of painkillers everyday which have never worked. I need to live in California don't I?

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

34. There are no promises,...in life.

You know that.

Are you a 'victim' or a 'fighter'?

Do you want to get through this challenge or give in to a 'nearly religious sacrement' and a single social worker as if the two rule your life?

You're stronger than that. I hate to say, "quit whining" and take care of yourself and your life but I'm going to say it: "quit whining and take care of yourself and your life"!!!!

'kay?

[Madspirit]

37. Funny

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, technically a psychosis, PTSD and major depression. I have had more then ten psychiatrists, in my long and troubled life, recommend pot. One of the psychiatrists was when I left Austin for a while in my hippie youth and lived in Boston. I ended up on a psych ward at Beth Israel Hospital, a Harvard teaching hospital and one of the finest hospitals in the whole world. (It was such a remarkable contrast to the state asylum I spent two years at in Texas.) Dr. Jeffrey Gellar, the psychiatrist who then ran the psychiatric wing at Beth Israel, absolutely thought pot was a beneficial drug for folks suffering from major mental disorders.

Almost all drugs have side effect when you are first starting. SLIGHT paranoia can be one of the ones with pot, as can giggling, munchies, etc. These effects go away with time. Whereas major psychiatric drugs have much worse side effects, for a longer period of time and some can cause PERMANENT problems that never go away, such as tardive dyskinesia...something I thankfully don't have. When I first got on Depakote for my bipolar, the Dr. said it was one of the drugs that could cause side effects as devastating as anti-cancer drugs can cause. I used to vomit on myself as I was driving down the street. In other words, all substances have side-effects. I will take pot's side effects any day over some of the ones I've had from shrink drugs.

I love my weed. My head would fly off my neck and zoom around the room without it.
Lee

[shadowknows69]

39. Thank you Lee

would you hurry up and get that med degree and be my shrink sister?


<edit to add> once again the idiot Shadow has forgotten to check a profile and I've been under the assumption that my new friend Lee was of the male species. I hope I haven't talked any locker room trash with you that offended you darling but nice to meet you again lol.


Bad Shadow. Lol. For a guy with 130+ IQ I really am a fucking dunce sometimes lol.

[Madspirit]

40. Shadow Shadow Shadow

You keep getting my sex wrong. I've waited and said nothing because I thought you would eventually notice the "lesbian" stuff that I often talk about. <g> I love you dearly dude but I'm a woman. You have an ol' lesbian hippie friend.

Lee

[shadowknows69]

41. Yeah I just figured that out

lol. I notioced the "gay" stuff you posted and I guess I assumed you were a gay male. Must of missed the L word. My apologies again my friend.


<edit to add> it really don't matter who any of us are. We be friends.

[Madspirit]

46. No Worries

..and no apology needed. I thought one of THE coolest people here was a woman because of the sensitivity of his posts and he's a gay guy.

I think your posts are extremely sensitive but "hippie guy" comes through loud and clear with you.

It's just not always easy to tell. It's interesting.
Lee

[shadowknows69]

50. Yeah apparently I've put a lot of effort into that image for myself

lol. Even letting my graying hair grow long again after having a corporate "cut" for almost 8 years. Note to self to buy hair ties.

[librechik]

5. enjoy your therapy

what a crock! Coffee is an addiction too, did you mention that? It's just as correct to call that an addiction. Jerks!

But psyche lessons are always helpful, somewhat, even if misguideed.

[madokie]

9. you'll be much better off if you forget about the pot addiction

and spend your time, efforts and money on getting the best herb you can find and afford. imho

fuck them pills they want to give you for depression too, lots of problems with them that you really don't want to become a part of.

but I made the mistake of telling my doc about my pot smoking and it was a big mistake on my part and what ever you do don't tell them you even know what ethol is, they'll find it to be the reason for all sorts of things, even things that you never knew was wrong. I shit you not

[shadowknows69]

12. I don't know what Ethol is lol

maybe you shouldn't tell me. I didn't want to be on anti-D's in the first fucking place but I've been down the prozac road and I know it can get bad if you just dump them cold turkey. My fucking mind is unravelling an nobody fucking cares about anything except the blessed "war on drugs" which has only failed for what 25 years now?

[madokie]

15. alcohol

I feel I can relate to what you're going through as I recently quite the glass bottle, couple years now. even though I do occasionally have a beer or a glass of wine but now at least I feel I have a handle on it. Trust me when I say I am much better off today than I was two years ago, physic wise that is.

I've had anxiety attacks my whole life but I've learned to live with them and as my doc won't prescribe a xanax or Valium because of my past alcohol use.

Hang in there you'll be ok

[shadowknows69]

16. No, I'm really not ok.

and much as being able to dump on DU helps immensely I have some serious issues to work through or my marriage, mind and life are all forfeit.

[madokie]

18. lots of truth to the old saying the first step is admitting something

you've got that down pat so I would give you a passing grade at the moment.
We'll always be here for you :hug:

[soothsayer]

17. Lucy's friend?

[shadowknows69]

19. Eh?

as in "in the sky with diamonds?"

[OregonBlue]

11. Yah, you blew it. NEVER, NEVER tell the truth. My suggestion is that you find another program.

If you know where there is a free clinic, go there and find out who they use for their mental health services. They usually refer to programs that are used to dealing with drug/alcohol addicted patients. Do not tell the new program that you have already seen someone else and DO NOT tell them that you use pot. Don't give up. There is more than one way to skin a cat. I have a son who is ADD and Bi-Polar and it has taken me years to find the right services. He used to use meth. He no longer uses so when they insisted he be tested, he was clean for the meth an was accepted into treatment.

[shadowknows69]

13. fuck it fuck it fuck it

and again I say fuck it. Can't do it. I wish I could lie and play this game because I need the help but I can't make myself utter the lies.

[shadowknows69]

14. I'm taking two vicodan and calling a priest in the morning

the catholics won't piss test me. I'll convert and use Father Fellatio as my shrink lol.

[Lilith Velkor]

24. Well, since they push religion on the self-medicating mentally ill

...you might as well choose your own.

I was in your same situation, and took up voodoo. It helped a lot.

[Truthiness Inspector]

22. There is an immediate situation

and that is that you need help. Yes, lying sucks, but if the only way you can get the help you need is by downplaying your pot use, then do it. You would not be lying to defraud or hurt anyone, rather to get possibly life-saving help. Your family needs you too.

I'm a big fan of "choose your battles." Your battle now should be getting help and living. Your battle later can be to work to change the red tape you are facing now.

[shadowknows69]

25. I still wouldn't get the help I need

I have friends who have been through this BS program. The whole focus is your drug abuse. They don't take it as maybe a symptom of your problems but the absolute cause. Doesn't matter that I've fended off my depression for a decade without their little pills but now that things are escalting it has to be my pot use that causes it right? If I was on any other psychotropic medicine/substance for 10 years it would be medically dangerous to make me quit it cold turkey. What are they going to give me methadone for my pot withdrawal symptoms lol? As I've said before, meanwhile I have doctors prescribing me all kinds of lovely addictive pills but that's cool because it's "real medicine".

[OregonBlue]

45. I know how frustrated you are because I have been through this for many years now

with my son. He was using because he was not getting treatment but he couldn't get treatment because he was using. Finally he just lied. Because he had used meth and told them about it, he was tested for meth and he was clean.

I'm sorry this is so hard. It just makes you want to lay down and cry. I've done a lot of crying myself over the years. Mental Health treatment is so inadequate in this country.

Really, I know it's hard to start over but there are other programs out there. You can start again and this time just DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU SMOKE ANYTHING. Tell them that you used to drink a little for relief but now are taking so many legal drugs you don't need alcohol.

I know you can do it and in the long run it will be better. My son is finally getting treatment. It's not the very best but he is getting couselling and anti-depressants and anti-anxiety and he is better.

I wish I could be there to help.

[shadowknows69]

48. I don't think I need any chemist crafted crap personally

Just need to be out of society for a while and talk to a therapist once or twice a week and write my ass off on here which has been the best therapy I've had in a decade anyway.

[OregonBlue]

53. Agreed. Not everyone needs those chemicals but some people really do. My son was

in such a depression he could NOT pull himself out and the chemicals helped. You do need another clinic that offers real counseling. They are out there. I suggested the free clinics because in all my son's years of treatment, he has gotten the very best care from low income street clinics that are used to dealing with people who have serious problems. They're not in it for the money and the enrollment and they have really good counseling services. They LOVE to get the occasional client that can actually pay.

Even though I have insurance, I go to a clinic in a community 45 miles from my house that primarily serves immigrants and low income people. They are just wonderful. They are so happy to get someone like me who is only slightly crazy and can actually pay. They are what true healthcare is all about.

You need human contact. DU is great for talking with like-minded people but it's not the same as getting out and it sure doesn't help the depression when you read about these crooks and liars day after day.

[donsu]

20. 5 days a wk. 5 hrs. a day for something that is NOT an addiction!

boy, some neo cons are making bucks over another program dealing in unreality. names?

hang in there Shadow

[spanone]

21. Reefer madness may NEVER go away. such a phony society we live in.

[alkaline9]

23. not sure how far you are from jersey, but...

...anytime you need to talk, smoke up, chill, get away, I'll burn with you :o)

I told my therapist about my occasional use and she didn't seem to care much either way. Maybe you just got a piss poor social worker, or maybe the legal hurdles differ by state. Either way, if you need help, continue to seek it out, and maybe just maybe you'll find a therapist who can actually help. I think the problem with a lot of "professionals" in this country is that they really don't know shit, nor do they care.... but some do.

Best of luck to you, and please rise above the destructive drugs (no, I'm not talking about pot, blaze on!)

[shadowknows69]

26. Actually Jersey is looking pretty good right now

My beloved, supposedly liberal and progressive NY State is really sucking lately for me. Besides one of my favorite filmakers, Kevin Smith hails from Jersey. He wants me on the View Askew team. He just doesn't know it yet lol. Last vacation I took my wife on was to Kevin's comic shop in Redbank. That's how you know you've found a good woman, when you can take her to Jersey to see a comic shop for a vacation and she doesn't divorce you immediately for it.

[OregonBlue]

55. Maybe you should ask your therapist if she knows where to go in NY. Which clinics are good?

Sometimes when people get this depressed they're just not capable of looking any more.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

27. Find yourself a social security disability attorney ASAP.

BUT FIRST, go to a mental health clinic that has a sliding-scale treatment program (as a former, REPEAT, FORMER attorney some many years ago,...I helped people just like you).

There are mental health clinics in every single state that offer assistance based upon need. Those clinics are quite generous and, your social worker SHOULD HAVE REFERRED YOU to such clinics which offer substance abuse programs for little to nothing. Heck, maybe, the treatment program s/he referred you to does have a sliding-scale option.

Have you called that clinic?

[shadowknows69]

29. This is the clinic

as I said they've basically ordered me to enter outpaitient rehab for 25 hours a week. Doesn't matter that I've tried to tell them part of my problems is I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO GO OUT AMONG PEOPLE. Much less do some fuzzy group sessions where I have to lament about my pot addiction to coke and heroin addicts who will probably want to kick the shit out of me after class.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

33. So, go to the clinic,...tell the in-take counselor your story.

Your honesty may SEEM to screw you at this stage. However, until you go to the clinic and go through the initial evaluation,...you do not know the outcome.

Let me put it this way,...if you can't afford treatment, the best advocate you will EVER find is someone in a mental health clinic.

Meanwhile, find a clinic that will help you without regard to your ability to pay. You have phobic problems that are debilitating. Get help for that. Fuck all the 'dictators' in your life,...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! I am absolutely CERTAIN you can locate help IF YOU WANT TO FIND IT.

Listen. We are all victimized by life's hard knocks but choose whether or not we live our life as victims. Does that make sense to you?

[shadowknows69]

35. I did my intake at this clinic

they are the ones refusing me help unless I go to rehab. I told them I think I might be schizophrenic but this was a more important diagnosis apparently.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

42. If you can't pay, you can't pay. If they refuse to help you, go somewhere else.

Do YOU KNOW what you suffer?

Maybe,...you don't know and need help in figuring that out. Go to a place where someONE will help you figure out,...you.

I will say this: you suffer from being a victim and MUST get over that.

:hug:

[shadowknows69]

43. I don't know if you have health insurance sick, I hope you do

but it's pretty easy to feel victimized in this fucked up system. I'm strong in some areas more so than in others. Thus my problems.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

56. No. I have no insurance. My sister is struggling with a rare form of cancer and I told her,...

,...if I suffer from cancer, I'll die because I have no avenue to health care.

She HAS NO vocal cords, today, and ADMONISHED ME more loudly than any person ever could!!! "THERE IS HELP!!!", she told me.

I've mostly lived my life without health care. There is 'help' out there. You have to be willing to receive it, though, my friend. You have to be willing to receive.

:hug:

[catmandu57]

36. What the fuck kind of social worker did you find?

I've got a BS in social work, confidentiality was drilled into us over and over, it's number one on the code of ethics, it must have been someone who didn't pay any fucking attention or just some kind of intake person that calls themselves a social worker.
I've got to agree that you should go to the mental health clinic and talk to the counselor there, there isn't anything they haven't seen or heard and I don't think smoking weed is something they can't get around.
Getting on SSI these days is a real pain, I've heard that there was a waiting list that stretched to 09, and they'll always turn down your first application just to try to discourage people.
Good luck Shadow, how did your other problems turn out I didn't see your post.

[shadowknows69]

38. cat this social worker says if I get therapy or not

I don't go through their BS program and I don't get a psychologist to talk to. my only other option is to go completly loony and have them admit me. If I wasn't married I'd consider it at this point just to get help but N still insists she wants my useless crazy ass around.

[shadowknows69]

44. BTW folks

I know I'm whining. I'm dumping. I wish it didn't have to be this way and feel free to ignore me until doomsday but y'all are all I have right now and it's this or I have to start throwing things and that would scare my dog.

[OregonBlue]

47. Any New York DU'ers who could lend a hand and help Shadowknows69 track down a good clinic with good

providers who make good referrals to good mental health treatment?

When you're really depressed and frustrated it's so hard to hang in there and deal with the system.

[shadowknows69]

51. I can't even process informtion right now

I felt like a moran at my SSI interview yesterday. Maybe it's because they asked me the same 20 damn questions 3 times over for three different applications. So much for efficiency in the intake department.

[OregonBlue]

54. I know. They make it so hard. Most people just get discouraged and give up. That's why you HAVE

to find another clinic, different counseling, etc. When you get a really good doctor and therapist, your whole life will change. I can't tell you what we went through before we finally got my son to the right people and it was so worth all the hassle!!!!

You could get a SocSec lawyer like some recommended but I think they usually deny you the first time so you might want to wait and get one for the appeal. They take a portion of whatever you get when you finally get a settlement. On the other hand, they probably know which docs and which clinics are the best to deal with in your area.

Good luck!

[HCE SuiGeneris]

49. write and publish

you have a gift

[shadowknows69]

52. Too depressed to seek out an agent.

someone get one to call me and I'll make us all rich.

[Habibi]

57. It's true.

It's pretty frukin hard to rise above depression in order to get yourself outta depression. Without help. Sending good and healing and helplessly hopefully helpful vibes your way, Shadow. FWIW. I've been reading your taxicab reports and marvelng at the gift you have so freely given us. May it be returned to you a hundred fold.