Hello fellow Republicans, welcome to class. Today we are going to talk about ummmmmm, ummmmmm, ummmm, ahhhhhhh, some really naughty things that will make you burn in hell if you think about them.
Yes, we are going to talk about things that we are not supposed to talk about, but that we are constantly forced to obsess endlessly about because of the evil-doers that are exposing our children to filth.
Us Republicans want to make sure that children don't have filthy thoughts. That is why we need people like Rick Santorum to speak to our children about man on dog action. We need people like John Cornyn to make sure our children never consider marrying a box turtle, because we all know that there would be a huge epidemic of people vocally expressing thoughts of very naughty acts with box turtles if we didn't have John Cornyn there to tell them it was wrong. We need people like James Dobson to warn us about the hot sponge on starfish action that is happening on SpongeBob Squarepants. And we need people like Ann Coulter, to make sure that every man who lays eyes upon her will never want to have sex again.
Yes, we need to talk about the man on dog action and the box turtles, because we can not have people focus on committed loving relationships of people of the same sex. It would be immoral to allow a child who has same sex parents to live their lives without seeing their parents attacked on television by our pundits. It would be immoral to allow someone of the same sex to visit their partner in the hospital when they were lying on their death bed. It would be immoral to apply hate crimes laws to attacks on gays, no in order to be moral we must make sure those who commit violent acts against gays get off without too hard of a penalty. In order to be moral we have to make sure that we are teaching our children that if they live with parents of the same sex they just are not as good as the other kids.
Yes, we need to focus on box turtle sex and attacking the same sex parents of children, but we must make sure we never talk about something else. We must never talk about safe sex. We can talk about Rick Santorum and his man on dog action, but we can not possibly talk to our kids about condoms because that would be totally inappropriate to suggest something that could protect them from God's will.
We don't need to teach them about safe sex we can just teach them about where babies come from.
We will teach them about the stork, we teach them about a how the stork delivers the baby right to the family's door step. We don't need to teach them about anything else, after all if our children get pregnant they will already be protesting outside the abortion clinic so it is not like it is out of their way to get help. As long as they step back outside and protest the next woman who goes inside after them God will forgive them.
That is the beauty of being a Republican, you can engage in all the filthy acts you want just so long as you are able to condemn others who do the same thing. God Bless Amurica.