Why I F**cking Hate Starbucks

[kurth]

Beverly Tan
Why I F**cking Hate Starbucks
Posted November 27, 2007

After all these years, I've reached a very important conclusion: I'm a simple kind of girl. I like my produce plain and unadorned. Most days, I only wear sunblock and lipgloss. I have never owned a blow dryer. I truly believe that sunshine and a long walk does more for your spirits than any self-help book. This, I suspect, is why I hate Starbucks. Oh, don't get me wrong. 3 out of 7 days of the week, you will probably find me at a Starbucks. I wish I could be more militant about it, and be one of those people brews their tea at home to bring to work. But I don't. I'm lazy. And Starbucks is so ubiquitous. Which brings me to my first point:

1. Number of branches
There are 7 (count them, 7) Starbucks on South Beach. Do you know how small South Beach is? You can never have a secret hookup with someone and not run into them at your gym thirty minutes later. I know all the homeless people by their smells. Gossip travels at the speed of light. THAT'S how small it is. So why are there 3 Starbucks on Lincoln Rd alone? Is it because we have all suddenly developed a taste for Javanese coffee roasts? No, my friends. It's called being a "loss leader." Starbucks doesn't give a shit whether they make money or not, because this is a publicly traded company with deep, deep pockets. Their only goal is to grow and expand as quickly as possible, so that eventually all mom and pop businesses get edged out of market share. The kicker is, the bigger something gets, the shittier the quality becomes. Like McDonalds. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Quality
A rose by any other name doth smell as sweet. Especially if you're on the Starbucks marketing team. Brazil Ipanema Bourbon? Joya del Dia? Guatemala Casi Cielo? Are you fucking kidding me, people? Your coffee SUCKS. The best coffee that I have ever had was at a lowly hawker stall in Singapore. It was rich, black and gleaming. It smelled full-bodied and robust, and it woke your ass up at 6AM , a full-on caffeine extravaganza. And it was called, simply, "coffee." Your Mocha Sanani Cha-cha-la-la by comparison, tastes like a cross between drain cleaner and flat Pepsi. The fact that you are exploiting Third World Countries and militia-led countries to harvest cheap beans doesn't make my cuppa joe taste any better.

3. Music
Enough with the lesbian folk singers and the Miles Davis already. We get it! We, your target audience, are supposed to be sophisticated and discerning connoisseurs of world music. So why is that that every time I walk in, some Jewel rip-off is warbling in the distance? Did anyone at the mothership do their market segmentation research? Are you guys aware that Miami is 80% Latin, and that you'd be better off playing Suenelo Sound System or at the very least, classic Celia Cruz? Must you subject the entire world to what sounds like the Dawson's Creek soundtrack? I have news for you - THERE ARE NO WHITE PEOPLE IN MIAMI. THEY HAVE ALL FLED TO BROWARD.

4. Pretentiousness
Of all the things that piss me off most, being pretentious tops the list. This is why it irks me to no end, when people do things like perfume their dogs and bring them to pet yoga. That's called "being an asshole." On this note, the "The Way I See It" ad campaign has raised Starbucks' asshole-ness to an unprecedented level. It is bad enough that self-help gurus and life coaches clog the airwaves. Must we now suffer the travesty of having dimestore philosophy on our coffee cups? And it's a "medium" chamomile tea, not a "Grande." You're headquartered in Seattle, not Florence. Oh, and you want me to TIP YOU for this holy annoyance? No thanks. Give me my change, all of it. The next time I'm feeling introspective and want to read someone else's rhetoric, I'll crack open my copy of Hume.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beverly-tan/why-i-fcking-hate-starb_b_74324.html

[MadMaddie]

1. I prefer Tully's myself....Starbucks gives me heartburn...

[TomInTib]

4. I walked into a Starbucks and bought coffee for the first time.

Maybe a month ago.

I was blown away by all the crap going on in that place.

Thank heavens, we do not have one in our town.

[MadMaddie]

6. Hey You...happy Holidays!!

Yea..it's overpriced...and they roast their beans to long....ach....

I usually buy my coffee beans from Albertsons, grind it myself and make it myself.

:hi:

[TomInTib]

13. I buy Tomales Coast Roast Organic Mocha Java.

It's roasted right up Hwy 1 and is as good as any brand of coffee I have ever had.

Let me know what type of coffee you like and I will send Tomales' version to you.

And Happy Holidays to you, too, sweetheart.

Unfortunately, mine are gonna suck. Big time.

[ellaydubya]

46. While you are at it, send some to this old girlfriend!

Seriously, you know how I like my coffee. That would be sweet. Thanks ahead of time.

LA

[JuniperLea]

11. Now you've done it!

They've heard you and you will have your very own Starbucks within a month!

[TomInTib]

16. They cannot. Every business in our town is independently owned.

Except for the banks.

Tiburon was not chartered until 1975, and we had already witnessed the carnage reaped by the Chains.

We also do not have a gas station or a pharmacy.

And we make our own decisions, unfettered by some bullshit corporation.

[JuniperLea]

20. Good luck with that

I hope for your sake it stays that way. I felt the same way about my home town, which now has two Starbucks, and the three local grocers have been closed and replaced by big chains.

Money talks... I hope you keep the earplugs firmly in place.

[TomInTib]

25. The chains are excluded by Charter.

No kidding.

We even have the only independently-owned Tommy Bahama Home (ugh...) store.

Tiburon is one of the coolest small towns on the planet.

Here is the view from Sausalito. My house is directly over the finger of the Belvedere peninsula. I look directly across the Bay to San Francisco.

And I love it. I am also probably the poorest guy in town. But I do not care, this place is great.

[JuniperLea]

33. Awesome!

I've almost always been the poorest person in a neighborhood... I can relate.

Stay ever vigilant! The Chamber of Commerce in my home town was adamant about small business... not sure about the charter, but now I'm curious and will have to do some research~!

[IntravenousDemilo]

42. Oh my, what a beautiful vista! You are so fortunate! It's cold, wet & grey in Toronto right now. n/m

[ccpup]

2. "... tastes like a cross between drain cleaner and flat Pepsi"

I disagree. Drain cleaner MIXED with three-day old lukewarm Pepsi (or Coke, if you prefer) tastes better than the concoctions they're peddlin'. Plus the Jell-O they give you as you recuperate in the hospital the following three days is really good.

I go to a small, neighborhood coffee place owned by a friend of mine who really, really appreciates the business.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

3. How I Broke My Starbucks Habit, by Viva...

I made my own Mocha Syrup. I can drink one every day for 2 months for the price of one Grande 4-shot Mocha (extra syrup).

:)

[Bobbieo]

I have never been to a Starbucks. There is only one in Yuma and it is new!!!

[JVS]

17. what's the recipe?

[Viva_La_Revolution]

27. oh, it's easy...

3 cups boiling water
2 cups sugar
3/4 cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder
3/4 cup regular cocoa
1/2 cup imitation vanilla

1. Boil water
2. Measure Sugar and Cocoa (I run it through the sifter after measuring, helps with lumps) into a two quart heat resistant pitcher (like tupperware- this helps the transfer to a more user-friendly container later).
3. Once the water is boiling, measure it into the pitcher and beat with a wire wisk until everything is completely dissolved.
4. Add the Imitation Vanilla; Mix thoroughly.
5. Let mixture cool, and transfer into some pourable/squeezable container (old ketchup bottle, old creamer container, etc--).
6. Use 2- 3 Tbsp Mocha Mix for a large cup O' mocha- Enjoy!
Makes approximately 32 oz.

PS - you can add a cup of Vanilla syrup, like Torani's if you really dig Vanilla Mochas. I just add the Vanilla when I'm in that mood. :)

[JVS]

31. Cool. I'll make some for the Xmas season to share with guests at mom's house

[Viva_La_Revolution]

35. You'll be a star!

A little hot milk and whipped cream, if you want to go fancy.

ooohh. a little bottle of peppermint syrup would be handy too. yum!

[JVS]

38. peppermint schnapps

tis the season

[Whisp]

43. Dutch processed.

I'm supposing that is a system adopted from the country famous for chocolate?

anyway, when you mentioned good cocoa I ran for my tin to suggest one I use. cocoa Camino, a fair trade product from the carribean and SA that I buy from a store called 10,000 villages that is run by the Mennonite Central Committee. This is like hugely good cocoa, best lip smackin' ever. Fry's is pure junk compared.

So I read the label again and now notice Dutch-processed. I thought I was had there for a minute. heh.

[McCamy Taylor]

5. Their coffee sucks. Pretty simple if you ask me.

Try Cafe Bustelo expresso grind in a drip coffee maker. It makes a great cup of coffee!

Best coffee I've ever had anywhere was in San Cristobal in Mexico in the Chiapas. Coffee heaven!

[yellowdogintexas]

47. I scored some Chiapas fair trade coffee at Central Market last winter

man was it good. I bought it several times, then it was replaced with a Bourbon (not bourbon flavored) roast which was awesome, then a peaberry and then something else. It is a line called 'Pete's Picks' and it is bought in small quantities and once it is gone, it is gone. But that Chiapas was awesome.

I do buy Starbucks occasionally, often when I am on the road, esp iced coffee in hot weather. Or when I am in the mall, I will grab one before I go to the pedicure place. Mostly I brew my coffee at home, but with excellent beans

[proud patriot]

7. It's Peet's Coffee & Tea here in the Bay Area

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peet's_Coffee_&_Tea

Peet's Coffee & Tea is a specialty coffee roaster and retailer. Founded in 1966 by Alfred Peet in Berkeley, California, Peet's has a devoted following, sometimes known as the Peetniks due to their strong customer loyalty to Peet's wide range of varietals and signature blends of coffee and tea. Peet's is especially known for its strong, dark-roasted coffee.



I was raised on Peet's :evilgrin:

[LittleClarkie]

8. Well, gee, I rather like it myself

If the other coffee shops in town could manage to make a strong enough cup, I wouldn't keep going back. But they don't, so I do.

My favorite: Sumatran.

[Evergreen Emerald]

9. I heard they treat their employees very well

with full benefits and good wages.

[JuniperLea]

12. My oldest worked his way through college working at SBucks

They did good by him.

Not their fault that there are so many loons who will pay $4.00 for a damn cup o' java!

I'm a loon, but only a couple of times a month... I loves me some nonfat mocha and some frappuccino!

[DesertRat]

14. Great company to work for. Full benefits if you work 20 hours a week

Many people work there parttime just for the insurance. I've known several people who work or have worked there. They are a "blue" company and treat their employees well. That's one reason why I go to Starbucks. And the sugarfree hazelnut lattes. :)

[LittleClarkie]

19. Indeed. Partner benefits and everything

plus they promote from within. I've heard nothing but good things from the employees.

[neutron]

22. another reason to hate them

and their left wing leanings.

[zehnkatzen]

10. I'm amazed this has no recs yet...

...so I gave it one.

Seriously, Starbucks house coffee tastes burnt. To them, dark roasting means burning the bean. Do I drink Starbucks? Yes. Only if nothing else is available. And since I'm lucky enough to live in Portland, Oregon, I can choose from an amazing range, from cheapo greasy-spoon coffee (bad, but a comfort, and still better than Starbucks) to whatever you can name.

Nicely said. Nicely said.

[rucky]

15. Great rant. Totally agree.

I get my coffee on the inside.

[Bennyboy]

18. You'll LOVE this....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xz4CMtAv2kU

[JVS]

36. Have you seen this one?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lGx0cVv4d0I&feature=related

[CoffeeCat]

21. There's nothing like Starbuck's coffee...

I buy the grounds and make it myself. I love the flavor...and I'm addicted.

It's an excellent product and I drink it daily.

Call me a sell out, but I loves the stuff.

[neutron]

23. I'm addicted to their Mochas

But their lattes wax bland. They need more of the smokiness that you get from a real Italian latte.

[russian33]

24. am I the only D&D fan here?

love the whole article btw, especially number 2, had me laughing out loud

but i've had better coffee at the airport in paris, than in US chains...and of course, the little cafes had some great stuff too...fortunatelly, you can still find those in new york city

[RebelSansCause]

26. i only buy from fair trade places, does starbucks engage in it?

i know two places by my college in NYC that do for sure and i am proud to buy my hot chocolate from them. (i don't drink coffee)

[killbotfactory]

29. Yes, they sell some fair trade coffee

They are the only place in the town where I live that sell whole bean fair trade coffee. Otherwise I have to order it on the internet or travel 80 miles.

[RebelSansCause]

34. that's good to know, even though the trendy condescending attitude combined

with the sheer ubiquity of me starbucks does leave me nauseated. maybe i can patronize them 1/10 times. the other place i go to does support liberal causes though...hmm. as in being very active in the radical community. thanks anyway for the info.

:hi:

[LittleClarkie]

39. Who's giving you a trendy condescending attitude? The baristas?

Mine are mostly very nice.

[RebelSansCause]

44. it's not the people, it's the architecture.

and the fashionable styles of those who inhabit it. and the way they look at me when i walk in. i like my radical bookstores/coffee places.

[wundermaus]

28. Far and away, the best coffee I've ever had...

Was in a http://ochistorical.blogspot.com/2006/09/remembering-villa-sweden.html">Swedish Smorgasbord. They brewed Lingle Brothers coffee and the waitresses would run the coffee through the grounds twice...

[2bfree]

30. I like their coffee and lesbian folk singers!

So there.

[ileus]

32. Starbucks serves that hot brown crazy priced crap right?

coffee....the devils drink, that's why it hot.

[davsand]

37. I go to Kaldi Coffee.

They are Fair Trade certified, shade grown, and organic. They are actually a coffee roasting company and they hand roast.

We just had a cafe open locally this last Fall (not even listed on the corporate website yet!) and their product kicks Starbuck's butt at a comparable price. I am way impressed and it is my treat to myself sometimes.

http://www.kaldiscoffee.com/index.aspx



Laura

[Blue_In_AK]

40. I prefer Kaladi Brothers

roasted right here in Anchorage. Much, much better than Starbuck's.

http://www.kaladi.com/

[Tektonik]

41. Their coffee is terrible

The only time one of their drinks tastes good is when it's mixed with a couple pumps of whatever sugary syrup they give you. Their coffee is always burnt and hell I've had better coffee at fast food joints than at Starbucks.

[goodgd_yall]

45. This is a Dupe

[NMMNG]

48. Mmmmmm, Venti Quad Soy Latte

:9

[pansypoo53219]

49. pfft

the coffee sucks. BURNT BURNT BURNT. and now everybody has to follow them.
shit. make my own coffee. 8 o'clock columbian is fine and dandy and if you must, caramel ice cream topping is great or even maple syrup.


and and and i was wearing flannel YEARS before grunge.

[Der Blaue Engel]

50. I don't understand the "Starbucks coffee sucks" comments

I'm beginning to think the decaf tastes completely different from the regular, because I only drink decaf, and Starbuck's is the only "coffee bar" whose decaf doesn't taste burnt and bitter. Or maybe I'm lucky and live in the only area with the good Starbucks?

:shrug:

What I do find annoying is people who drink Starbucks 3 out of 7 days and then do nothing but complain about not only the coffee but the "lesbian folk singers" and the atmosphere. I happen to like the music and the atmosphere. I find it very relaxing. But if I had a bug up my butt about having to hear music that wasn't to my taste and be surrounded by people I think I'm better than and pay ridiculous prices for coffee I thought was swill, I'd STOP GOING THERE and shut the fuck up about it.

And then she has the gall to boast about refusing to tip people who serve her.

:puke:

[Tektonik]

54. I only drink straight up coffee with usually little cream or sugar

and near where I live there are five Starbucks (sadly I've been to all of them), Peet's, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and a donut shop with some good coffee, and I have to say Starbucks is my last choice to get some coffee.

Now if I want a coffee flavored milkshake, I'll go to Starbucks, oh wait no Baskin Robbins does that better as well :P

[Skittles]

51. you are correct that Starbucks coffee sucks

I banned it from our work gourmet coffee club - nasty, NASTY aftertaste

[BreweryYardRat]

52. Location and hours makes it a decent choice in my case.

If driving to a Starbucks takes 5-10 minutes, and driving to the Borders-franchised "Seattle's Best Coffee" (which is pretty good) or the local indie shop takes 15-20 minutes, and Starbucks is open 3.5 hours earlier than EITHER, and only out-closed by the indie shop on Friday and Saturday, I'm going to Starbucks. More study/writing time, on the whole.

Now, you put a 5:30 AM - 11:00 PM "Seattle's Best Coffee" somewhere close by, and I'll go there instead.

[Milo_Bloom]

53. Mmmmmmmmmmmm... Starbucks

[Cobalt-60]

55. Make no Mistake : Starbucks is a big business

And it acts like one, right down to out sourcing. (Not Off Shoring, not yet)
Those elaborate lattes are mostly milk by weight, by the way.
Indeed starbucks moves more milk than liquid coffee.
They do apparently support non fascist causes today.
How long will it last?
Like all other big business, a few changes in the people at the top
and it's the Limbaugh Latte and the Hannicano.

[Matariki]

56. Today, NPR interviewed brand guru Leslie Bielby about Dunkin' Donut's new ad campaign

It focuses on the 'working class', 'unpretentious' appeal of "Dunkin'" as she put it - in a deliberate contrast to Starbuck's more 'creative class' appeal.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16650411

I'm almost suspicious that 'Beverly Tan' is employed by that agency.

[tammywammy]

57. She hates it so much she goes there 3 times a week

I think Ms. Beverly Tan should invest in a decent coffee or espresso machine and save herself the headache.

[Raine]

58. I used to dislike Starbucks and avoided them but

after trying several independents and other small chains (in the Los Angeles area) realized that Starbucks was one of the few places that consistently is capable of making a cappuccino with a decent head of froth on it. I've been to so many places and ended up with nothing but a teaspoon of milky froth on top and them claiming that "it's supposed to be that way" when I've sent it back. x( I'm not real fond of the taste of Starbucks coffee it more CHARbucks but if I want a cappuccino with decent froth it's where I go.

Edit: spelling