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Hello all! Every year I write a number of parody Christmas/holiday carols based on whatever I'm interested in at the time. This year is super-special because we have a big election coming up next year, so I'm pleased and proud to present to you my
Presidential Primary Holiday Spectacular!
(to the tune of Jingle Bells) Hillary, Hillary, That’s all I have heard Even the Republicans Can’t stop saying that word!
Hillary, Hillary, Goes by her first name But that isn’t sexist Because Rudy does the same.
Back in Ohio, In 2004, We’d not lose again, Democrats all swore.
But the pundits sing, “She can’t win this fight,” Never even mentioning The name of one who might.
So, Hillary, Hillary, You know that I care If you are the nominee I’ll fight for you, I swear!
But Hillary, Hillary, Please just tell me true That you know that, like that dress, Real Democrats are blue!
(to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town) Oh, you better not shout You better not cry Or you’ll get punched out By this crazy guy John McCain is coming to town
He’s got a short fuse We saw it the day He found out the news His sweaters were “gay” John McCain wears nothing but brown!
He sees you there, al Qaeda, He knows you’re in Iraq. So don’t tell him it’s time to leave Or he might just attack.
Oh, you may be a Dem, But vote for the man, Cuz “Holy Joe” says He’s bipartisan. If you don’t, he’ll have a breakdown!
(to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Dennis, the red-faced hopeful Had a very tiny chance Cause when the pundits saw him They laughed so hard they wet their pants
All of the other hopefuls Trying for 2008 They’d never let poor Dennis Have a say in their debate!
When he met Ron Paul online Dennis had to say, “Ron Paul, your fundraising’s great! Won’t you be my running mate?”
Then they went off together To a place where tall they stand. And they were just elected Presidents of Munchkinland!
(To the tune of Hannukah Oh Hannukah)
Monica, oh Monica, Come back to the fore-ah We’re so sorry that we ever Called you a whore-ah
Now we’ve got a deficit A war in Iraq We’d give Bush a BJ Just to get your boss back!
Monica, oh Monica Wherever you are-ah We miss when our leader’s sins Involved a cigar-ah
We long for the days when Our troubles were less We will even give you gelt To buy a new blue dress!
Then of course there are such classics as “Jingle Barack,” “Rudy Got Run Over By a Scandal,” and “Mitt! The Hired Aliens Sing…” but never mind them.
here is the piece d’resistance…
The 12 Days of Campaigning (or, An Iowa caucus-goer reflects on the primary experience)
The first ‘08 candidate I happened to see Was a mayor named Giuliani
The second ‘08 candidate I came here to see Says she’s in to win She’s a lady they call Hillary
The third ‘08 candidate I could (barely) see Was Ron Paul (He’s a little strange, But the Internet thinks he’s funky.)
The fourth ‘08 candidate I wanted to see Was a Mormon—that’s L.D.S. (No, he has one wife) And his name is the Mitt-ster, Romney.
The fifth ‘08 candidate I’m lucky to see OPRAH endorse! Obama’s here too, but who cares? She’s someone who has More power than the presidency.
The sixth ‘08 candidate I’m yawning to see Fred “Forrest” Thompson— He talks so slow! Doesn’t make much sense, Seems so bored, He should go back home And continue to act on TV.
The seventh ‘08 candidate I’m dying to see Is Johnny Edwards He’s running again God, he’s so cute! Loved him in ‘04, He’s moved left— He would surely win If he gets to be the nominee.
The eighth ‘08 candidate I’m crying to see Hates all abortion, Never cared for science, Thinks we’re all Christians… First in the polls!?!?!? How’d he manage that? What the hell? Mitt’s blowing his top But the Far Right just (hearts) Huckabee.
The ninth ‘08 candidate I’m laughing just to see Wants to end the drug war Get our boys back stateside Do a bunch of weirdness I’ve nearly forgotten (Where’d this guy go?) You remember him? Mike Gravel, Sure that he would win But we haven’t seen his face lately.
The tenth ‘08 candidate I’m burning to see Tends to go bonkers Thinks he’s a mav’rick Lieberman loves him Doesn’t want torture But he likes bombing? Can’t catch a break! Maybe if it was Five years back He would have a chance But McCain is too senile for me.
The eleventh ‘08 candidate I’m flipped out to see Loves to hear himself talk Just ask any colleague He can say a mouthful Without even breathing Kind of like I’m doing Now I’m gonna stop and Name Joe Biden! Seriously, he Won’t shut up. If you watch C-SPAN I have no doubt that you will agree.
The other ‘08 candidates I’ll mention briefly: Richardson: great ads; Kucinich: tiny; Tancredo: dropped out; Brownback: yeah, ditto; Colbert: was joking; Chris Dodd: he isn’t?; LET’S DRAFT AL GORE! What a crazy time, But great fun… Can’t wait till ‘08 But for now, enjoy the primary!
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