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I was always told to live my life according to the word of God. It was always hard for me to figure out just what the word of God was though, until yesterday when I received a phone call from Him. I had always thought that Mike Huckabee was just playing a joke when he received that phone call from God, but I can assure you it was no joke.
In my conversation with God I was able to develop a personal relationship with him, so personal in fact that God even lets me call him by his first name now. God’s real name is Karl, and as you would probably expect he has been very successful in life. He recently finished up a job at the White House, where he helped to orchestrate a policy that allowed him to make fire rain from the sky on to a land called Iraq as punishment to the people who worship a different God.
I had a lot of questions to ask of God of course, after all I knew I was a sinner and I needed to learn how I could sin without slowly burning in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity. Thankfully God was able to provide me with all the answers I needed.
It turns out that God is not too concerned about certain types of sins. That “Thou shall not kill” stuff apparently only applies to the unborn and stem cells. You can blow anyone else up that you want to just so long as you say you are doing it to protect our freedoms. It turns out in fact that if you kill enough Iraqis you are actually bringing peace to their land, so kill all the people you want and you will be sure to be cheered by all the people who want to post the Ten Commandments in our courthouses.
Then there are all those sticky issues surrounding sex, we all know that God tells us that we should practice abstinence before marriage but it turns out that even the best of Republicans are not as good as practicing abstinence as they are at preaching it. Well lucky for us God told me a good moral solution to this problem, just follow in the paths of moral people like David Vitter and Bill O’Reilly. You see, Vitter figured out that if you wear a diaper when you go to see a prostitute you can be touched without engaging in immoral activities. After all no one thinks that changing diapers is immoral, if it were just think about how much stigma there would be in buying a box of Pampers. And Bill O’Reilly, well he figured out that you can still preach traditional values just so long as you remember to use falafel. God recommended that if you take O’Reilly’s route you should order your falafel without cucumber sauce though, because that can get a bit messy.
After I learned how to get lucky in the name of the Lord I thought it was important to learn about how we should go about helping the poor. Well it turns out that when God talks about poor people, he is really talking about all those poor CEOs who need to buy another fleet of yachts. How can anyone expect them to pay their employees a wage that puts them above the poverty line when that would make it so much more difficult to ensure that all the toilets they have in their home are gold plated? In order to have an effective system of trickle-down economics you need to provide the rich something to trickle down into and you need to provide them with cheap labor to clean up the trickle if they miss the golden throne.
Through my conversations with God I learned that it is OK to torture, it is perfectly acceptable to spy on people and then imprison them without charges, there is nothing wrong with denying children health care, you can ignore the plight faced by those who are forced to sleep on the street, you can completely ignore the suffering faced by millions of Americans just so long as you don’t ignore the suffering of the stem cell that is living in a Petri-dish.
You see God is very forgiving, and it doesn’t matter what kind of reprehensible acts you commit, just so long as long as you are obedient and continuously repeat Republican talking points. Those who cheer Iraqis being killed are sure to go to heaven if they accept the word of our God Karl, it is only those evil people who refuse to accept our God into their hearts who will burn for all eternity. There is simply no room for a heathen like Gandhi in heaven, when we need to make space for a man like Fred Phelps who prays every single day.
So sin all you want and God will forgive you, but don’t forget to tell everyone who doesn’t believe exactly what you believe that they are going to hell. God may be all forgiving, but that does not mean he is going to forgive all of those liberal heathens who dare call for such awful things as peace and helping those who are living in poverty. Forgiveness only comes to the obedient, so follow blindly and you will be saved, but forget to vote Republican and you will be sure to die a fiery death.
Amen.
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