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Well the year is coming to a close, and you know what that means; it is time for all of the pundits to test their psychic abilities and predict what is going to happen over the next year. And so today I am going to test my pundit abilities and predict the stories which our media will view as the most important events of the next year.
1. There will be yet another international crisis, but it will be overshadowed by a far more important story. Britney Spears will be continuing to try to regain custody of her children. We will easily be able to look away from the bloodshed in the Middle East , because during her custody hearing Britney will do something really stupid and our media will give her nonstop coverage.
2. The political world will erupt in scandal when John Edwards gets yet another haircut.
3. Right when our candidates look like they are about to begin discussing real issues during the campaign yet another poll will be released and we will be able to look away from the issues to discuss what Gallup just had to say.
4. The cost of Hannah Montana tickets will continue to be very high and our media will be so outraged by it that they won’t have time to discuss how much each of you are paying for the war in Iraq.
5. There will be a new contestant on American Idol who will win the media’s hearts and be talked about endlessly on our evening news broadcasts.
6. The Presidential nominees will use words like “hope” and “optimism” and the media will give us insightful analysis on what those words mean rather than talking about the candidate’s actual platform.
7. We will be reminded once again that we were attacked on 9/11.
8. Another celebrity will be arrested and we will get nonstop coverage of their legal troubles.
9. A new must-have product will be released and be hyped endlessly by the very news networks that the product is advertised on.
10. Our government officials will continue to lie to us, kill civilians, send people off to secret prisons, torture, make under the table deals with corporations, spy on American citizens, and expand their own power while undermining democracy. Oh wait, what am I thinking? That story isn’t going to get much coverage. Oh well, at least I was able to predict nine big news stories for the next year.
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