U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar (The Onion)

[kpete]

U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar
March 13, 2008 | Issue 44•11


U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar

USS STENNIS, PERSIAN GULF—U.S. Iran War Czar Gen. Glenn Jacobs, the general director of the U.S. Center of the Invasion of Iran, announced Monday that neither the United States government nor the 30,000 troops aligned along Iran's border have any plans to invade the "dangerous and belligerent" Middle Eastern country. "We're simply taking every precautionary measure we can to maintain the peace between the two countries, such as making sure we have enough cruise missiles to carry out that peace, taking comprehensive aerial photographs of Iranian bombing targets, and calculating how many lives would be lost if we did invade Iran, which we're not going to do," Jacobs said while studying a video simulation of what a wide-scale assault on Iran would look like. "We don't even have the manpower for that kind of operation yet." According to a statement from the White House, the recently reopened position of U.S. Cold War Czar will be filled soon.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/u_s_not_planning_to_attack?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

[uppityperson]

1. The Onion really hits it sometimes. k&r for The Onion

Edited to add another article

Republicans Mount Campaign To Rename Alzheimer's 'Reagan's Disease'
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27646

Republicans have already honored Reagan by naming or renaming hundreds of public works—including highways, libraries, parks, hospitals, and federal buildings—after him. In 1998, Washington National Airport was renamed Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. The following year, construction was completed on the Ronald Reagan International Trade Center, the largest government building in Washington.

"When someone drives past the Ronald W. Reagan Federal Courthouse in Santa Ana or Ronald Reagan High School in San Antonio, they are reminded of the contributions of this great man," ARRRG spokesman James Andrusko said. "How fitting it would be to name this disease after Reagan, who has so valiantly battled it since the early 1980s." (etc)