A Reasonabel Conservative ... Take two

[Lester222]

Today I was browsing the freepers (lol, yeah I do that), and I found this rant by some dude who wanted to make fun of liberals. The topic of the thread was "This is a Reasonable Liberal"

Read it here http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1791317/posts

I was quite amused so I decided to "modify" it a bit. Since they didn't let me post it on their site (lol) I guess I'll have to post it here.

So here goes:

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I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm always right.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think we lost Vietnam because of the liberals.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm against illegal immigration (my grandmother is mexican and her husband was a cherokee)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm against being gay (that BJ the quarterback gave me in highschool doesn't count)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm against being gay (my gay son paid for my house but that is different)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I wish those damn n***ers would finally understand that there is no racism in america.

I'm a reasonable conservative
The O.J. Simpson trial prooves that racism is justified.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think the highschool kids should be allowed to have guns, as long as the teachers have bigger ones.

I'm a reasonable conservative
If we could only outlaw music, our crime rates would drop tremendously.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe teachers and professors are brainwashing kids (to believe in evolution, communism and quantum physics)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe teachers and professors are brainwashing kids (to believe that the earth orbits the sun!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe teachers and professors are brainwashing kids (to use their brains!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm against abortions (my daughter had two of them)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'll delete your liberal forum posts (but burning Anne Frank's diary is covered by freedom of speech).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'll delete your liberal forum posts and call you a backstabber if you don't believe that war solves problems (but saying that all americans should get guns and start shooting illegal immigrants in a radio programme is covered by freedom of speech).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm a Christian (who the hell is Ismael? Never heard of the guy)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm a Christian (central southern church of christ, by the way. Burn in hell you east southern baptist heaathen !!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I don't understand why those Muslim sects hate each other so much (Burn in hell you east southern baptist heaathen !!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate the way how Muslims view woman's rights (my wife deliberately chose to stay at home and cook. She better had, or else...)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate the way how Muslims view woman's rights (her on top? The Lord forbid !!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe in individual responsibility and personal freedom (you touch my daughter an I'll kill you!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe in severe punishment. (fifteen years for oral sex is about right)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe islamic law is babaric (but fifteen years for oral sex is right!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm a Christian. That one time I actually tried to read the bible I only made it to Deuteronomium (man that stuff is so boring). Then I decided that the rest is probably
not so important so I flipped all the way to Revelations and read the last chapter. Now I think I know all that's important.

I'm a reasonable conservative
The fact that the guy who was allegedly behind 9/11 is a former CIA agent does not reduce my patriotism.

I'm a reasonable conservative
Although Bush was in office when 9/11 happened, it was Clinton's fault!

I'm a reasonable conservative
The fact that the tyrant that was just toppled in Iraq, would have never become what he was without the help of the USA and western europe, does not reduce my patriotism

I'm a reasonable conservative
The fact that the USA still does business with people, that are likely to become enemies in the future does not reduce my patriotism

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe the Iraq war was not started over oil and money.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe taxes, social security and welfare make the rich richer and the poor poorer. I believe the corporate industry and the free market do the opposite.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think we will defeat the Shiites by killing the Sunnis (and vice versa)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think we will defeat the Shiites by giving guns to the Sunnis (and vice versa)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate socialists (except when Bill Clinton has a Socialist country bombed. Then I was on their side)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I've always been a Christian. (the times when I was an alchoholic and addicted to gambling were before I was saved)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm all against biology, stem cell research and genetic engineering (unless it is performed on my crops, cattle and tobacco).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm for tobacco (people are responsible for their own health) but against marijuhana (that's different).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe I come from Adam and Eve.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate rich people (unless they got rich through oil money and started a war to get richer).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think its okay to dump toxic waste into the ocean (Jesus is coming soon anyway)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm against things that take away my freedom, such as non-smoking laws or people that try to tell me I cannot dump motor oil in my own yard.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think evolution is a religion.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think its worse to lie about a BJ than about WOMDs.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think two witnesses are enough to hang someone (anyone who thinks otherwise is a conspiracy nut).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I never had sex before I got married (people who knew me as a teenager better be quiet now).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe condoms don't work (lol).

I'm a reasonable conservative
Abu Ghraib? Never heard of it! (but you're starting to sound like you support Terrorism)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe there is a difference between a jihad and a crusade.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe that the free market represents good and communism represents evil (and that Harry Potter is satanic)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe that anyone who thinks that dud cluster bomb bits laying around in an inhabited area are a terrible thing is an anti-semite and hates america.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think it is much better to make a wrong decision fast, than a right decision slow.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think that people who change their minds after realizing that something is not working, are inconsistent and should not be trusted.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think that anyone who has the slightest pity for palestinians is turning a blind eye on history (but burning Anne Frank's diary is covered by freedom of speech)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I don't think Jesus was a Jew.

I'm a reasonable conservative
Since no one who experienced slavery is still alive today, I don't see what all the fuss is about (being forced to sit in the back of the bus doesn't count)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I didn't read the patriot act but I like it because it has the word patriot in it.

I'm a reasonable conservative
The fact that you haven't been executed yet for reading this list proves that we are better than the Muslims and need to kill 'em all.

I'm a reasonable conservative
The reason why we are failing to win the hearts and minds of the Iraqis is because the Army is not allowed to shoot them all.

I'm a reasonable conservative
The Republicans have ruled unquestioned for six years now, but if we loose in Iraq it will be the Democrats' fault.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I don't believe in evolution (but the strongest will survive!!!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think everyone in Guantanamo is guilty.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I don't think naming an american military helicopter „apache“ is slightly cynical (a german tank named „Sturmjude“ probably would be, lol).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I don't care if I cannot find Iraq on the map as long as the marines can.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think General Patton didn't have a mental disorder.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think General Patton was eloquent.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think getting baptized/saved makes someone a Christian

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think a Buddhist does Vodoo and a Hindu does Shinto.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe too many foreign people will cause our cultural identity to dissolve (that's why I married my cousin).

I'm a reasonable conservative
I waited until I was eighteen before I married her.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate the Muslims because they make the women wear Burkha (Naked legs on TV are causing our morals to degenerate!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe scientific progress will solve all our enviromental problems (Dinosaur fossils are fake!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I believe scientific progress will solve all our enviromental problems (Intelligunt Desine!!!!!!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think the leftists are anti-semite (but the Jews murdered Jesus!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
Anyone who denies that Islam has always been a threat to the world, is turning a blind eye on history (white Christians have ever spread love, peace and happyness!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
If something doesn't fit, go get a bigger hammer.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think america was founded by americans.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think overregulation reduces our personal freedom (let's put cameras in peoples bedrooms!)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think no one will ever stand a chance against the US.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I know that america has never lost a war (Vietnam and that time we tried to conquer Mexico don't count, a**hole)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I hate liberals. (I don't even know what a liberal is but lets go hate'em)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I'm a Christian (but I overread those passages in the bible saying „thou shalt not kill“, „judge not lest ye be jugded yourself“, „love your enemy“, „don't say to your brother, let me pull the splinter from your eye, while you don't see the log in your own“)

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think a system in which there are effectively only two parties to vote for, is an exemplary democracy.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think the Europeans need to learn about freedom of speech from us.

I'm a reasonable conservative
I think I'm free.

I'm a reasonable conservative
Whose side are you on anyway, that you are actully reading this????
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All rights reserved to me ;-)

Feel free to add or comment. :-) Mail me at [e-mail] if you want to :-)

Regards,
Lester


(Its now PG-13 i guess. I'm not trying to be a troll so please let me know if you find anything else wrong with the thread)

[mr_ed2222]

1. lol, yeah...

...sounds like you've spent some time in the area where I grew up :-)

[LeftishBrit]

2. Good stuff!

If I had to choose just one, it would be:

'I'm a reasonable conservative
I think it is much better to make a wrong decision fast, than a right decision slow.'

I think this just about sums up conservatives in most countries nowadays (despite being incompatible with the literal definition of 'conservative'!)