Ode to the Coultergiest

[flamin lib]

One of the people on “the list” insists on emailing me Ann Coulter articles (in their entirety in violation of copyright laws). This person has referred to Coulter as “a great author”, “well researched”, beautiful and worth a tumble. Great author and well researched perhaps if you appreciate lifting entire pages of material from other people’s work without even a college freshman’s change in punctuation and beautiful only if one is taken by a flat chested anorexic with an oversized Adam’s apple. Worth a tumble? Only if you enjoy a Blind Pirate (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blind+pirate)

So I said to myself, Self (that’s what I call myself), I should return the favor by sending him the Left’s equivalent to the Coultergiest. It turns out there isn’t an equivalent. I couldn’t find a single plagiarizing, mean spirited, evil, bigoted, name-calling-for-the-sake-of-name-calling author who writes for the liberal/progressive/democratic view. I found sophisticated humor, pointed wit (as opposed to pointless $hit) and erudite commentary but no writings by a left wing transgender plagiarist bent on creating more heat than light for the sake of making money at the expense of the marginally literate.

There is only one thing to do, I said to myself, I must take on the mantle of responsibility and create the Anti-Coulter. It won’t be easy but with the help of cheap vodka and a tendency to be a mean drunk I’ll give it my best. Here goes . . . . .


Republicans are bent on the destruction of all living things with a personal wealth of less than a half billion dollars. That would include kittens, puppies and children with dark skin. Forget the idiocy of telling people without shoes to pull themselves up by their bootstraps or the fact that they believe in the ownership of slaves, just consider the dire warnings of job losses if the minimum wage is increased regardless of evidence to the contrary for the last forty years. Remember what the noted economist George Bush said about the budget, “It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.”

Republicans want mass unemployment and huge CEO bonuses for laying off employees. In fact Republicans hate America and they hate the American worker more than they love tax cuts. If it were only legal they would line up all the workers and shoot them on the spot. Unfortunately it isn’t legal yet, so they just have to be starved to death by sending jobs off shore and cutting big holes in the safety net.

Nothing makes Republicans happier than looking at pictures of starving children in Darfur and pretending they’re the children of union workers here at home. The only thing worse to a Republican than a sniveling starving child is a worthless wounded soldier who can’t be sent back to some third world country to steal their oil and kill their families after converting them to Christianity. Republicans see them as a bad investment. The Pentagon spent tens of thousands of dollars teaching them to kill and now they’re damaged so they should just die and hurry up about it.


Aww, crap, I can’t do this anymore. Even in an alcoholic fog with an expansive distaste for the Coulter wing of the Republican Party I can’t rise to the level of mean spirited spittle flinging vitriol Ann Coulter does so easily. It’s just as well. The left leaning audience wouldn’t buy into a hate based philosophy anyway so any effort I put into emulating the Coultergiest would be wasted anyway. That’s one of the things that differentiates us from the Right. We on the left think. I mean really think. We can see when somebody is blowing smoke up our @ss for the sake of making a buck off ignorance because we aren’t ignorant.

When the likes of Andy Coulter, Rush Limpballs, Sean Insanity and Bill O’Liely lose favor with Republicans I’ll have some respect for them. Until then may they feast on the product of my nether bifurcation.