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Recessions and Depressions are always caused by the consumer.
Unfortunately consumers over the last 30 years have not taken advantage of all of the cheap goods and Wall Street investment opportunities that have been provided them through Globalization and outsourcing. Instead folks have been having a lovely time buying things like food and gasoline on their credit cards, running up massive medical bills for unneccessary procedures like angioplasties, or student loan debt for frivolous degrees and certificates.
Even though our economy has experienced unprecedented growth, most consumers were simply not willing to get the education and make the connections necessary to take advantage of all of this wealth. You were all too busy playing Pong and watching the NFL to bother sticking your hands out for the money raining down from the sky.
What's even more sickening is that we've tried so hard to help you share in the prosperity of this great nation! We've increased your average work week by 10 hours, we've allowed many of you to have TWO jobs, and we've let all you ladies come and work for us at the same time. Unfortunately though, you lazy slugs just don't want to work hard enough! Management has had to pick up the slack causing a massive rise in productivity, and we tried to nudge you in the right direction by decreasing your vacation time and politely asking you to work through lunch and work off the clock even. But despite all of this you still can't seem to pull it together.
Well we're willing to give you one last chance. We're going to take OUR hard earned cash and make it available to you at a reasonable rate. We've worked hard with the Congress to set a reasonable limit on Credit Cards, and we'll even start you off somewhere around 8% before we bring it up to 29%. We've also quite thoughtfully made the bootstraps you need available! We've worked out a deal with a factory in India that will provide you with cheap affordable bootstraps that you can quite easily finance!
So what are you waiting for? Get out there and buy those bootstraps you slags!
We're sick of carrying you lazy bastards around with us... it's time you picked up the pace and made something happen for yourselves. I for one am sick and tired of paying for all of this plastic surgery to smooth the wrinkle lines I get from looking at you sad lot in disgust. Afterall I need that money to loan back to you. Don't you want us to have money to lend you?
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