Jesus is back, and guess what? He's running!

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Mon Jan-22-07 06:09 PM
Original message

Jesus is back, and guess what? He's running!

Edited on Mon Jan-22-07 06:49 PM by JeffR

(AP - January 22, 2007) The American political establishment was stunned by the appearance this morning of Jesus Christ, Whose absence from the scene for almost two millennia seems only to have increased interest in Him. In a brief appearance at the Washington Hyatt, He issued the following statement:

"You people have made a mess of everything. What were you thinking?

Everybody just shut your pie-hole. I'm back. Furthermore, I hereby announce my intention to seek the office of the presidency in 2008."

As He made his way out of the hotel conference room, a reporter shouted, "Which party are you running for?" One observer claims to have heard Christ's muttered response. "He rolled his eyes, said, 'The Democrats, dumbass,' and kept right on walking," said Virgil Meadows, an attendee at the Water Buffalo convention. "I went to the wrong conference room - little hungover, you know - and there He was. I've never voted for a Democrat before but He's got my support."

But Meadows' sentiments were not shared universally. Reaction from the pundits was swift, and largely derisive. Rush Limbaugh devoted half an hour of his show to the topic, describing it as a "political stunt". Limbaugh noted, "I think I can say without fear of contradiction that America is just not ready for a Jewish president. Don't get me wrong, folks, I have nothing against the Jews, except that they killed, uh, hmm... Anyway he's just too swarthy. Like a half-minority. America is just not ready to elect an octaroon. And the whole stigmata thing? I don't buy it. He's just trying for the sympathy vote."

Chris Matthews commented, "He has an almost godlike aura, but the anger in His voice is going to turn off a lot of the security moms. 'You people have made a mess of everything'? Voters are looking for a little optimism these days, not this kind of guilt-mongering."

Sean Hannity's assessment was equally blunt: "Any Democrat voter who thinks He will bring the troops home is dreaming in Technicolor. Didn't He say, 'I come not to bring peace, but the sword'? It's right there in His Father's book; you can look it up. And the whole moneychangers incident is not going to make Wall Street too happy. So where will he get his funding? The Internet? The Guy's two thousand years behind the technological curve."

Among rival Democratic candidates, criticism was more muted, but equally unmissable. A spokesperson for Senator Clinton actually used the word "carpetbagger" in reference to the newly-announced Candidate, adding, "The announcement was decent political theater, but we didn't hear anything very substantial today. What's His position on violent video games or flag-burning? No-one knows."

Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, an early contender for the party's nomination, spoke to reporters at a campaign event at the VFW hall in Skokie, Illinois, saying, "If He wants to throw His halo in the ring, I welcome His candidacy. But I don't see how He can satisfy the citizenship requirement."

Republican presidential hopefuls, too, weighed in on the Christ candidacy. Kansas Senator Sam Brownback expressed indignation over possible tax increases under a Christ presidency. "Render unto Caesar? Unless He's flip-flopped on that stance, voters won't take Him seriously. The Democrat Party may think voters are receptive to His "tax-and-save" position, but He'll be crucified at the ballot box."

As to what the voters' reaction will be, polling firms are already hard at work trying to gauge public sentiment.

In Statesboro, Georgia, a local TV news crew conducted interviews with customers at Uncle Jimbo's BBQ Shanty. Over her grits and bacon, LaRia Tilton, a retired hairdresser, mused, "He's my Savior. But He's a Democrat. It just doesn't sit well with me. I might not vote at all." Bert Yuggams, a local gym teacher, was less ambivalent. "Who does He think He is? He disappears God-knows-where all this time and thinks He's just going to be the anointed candidate?"

How Christ's announcement will change the dynamics of the 2008 presidential race is still unknown. But it is already clear that His presence is generating keen interest both inside and outside the Beltway. Politicians, it is said, work in mysterious ways.